Holiday Death: The Night Train Murders

Eli Roth can suck it!  For those of you who don't know me or my writing that well, I'm not a fan of Eli Roth.  In fact, his appearance was one of the few real complaints I had about Piranha 3-D.  He got a lot of his heat from me for a pretentious list he gave out in an interview for a website (I think it was Rotten Tomatoes, but I forget).  The topic: 5 Horror Films That Nobody Has Seen.  While I can say that I've seen a lot of films that few else probably have (shit like Star Wreck, for example), I don't brag about it or make a point of 'how cool I am.'  Besides, I wish I hadn't seen most of them myself!  The point of mentioning this list is, as you may have guessed, this film is on it.  Looking back at the movie though, it's easy to see why Roth likes it- he's pretty much been ripping it off for years.  The film involves a pair of American exchange students terrorized and molested by crazed locals.  Other than being on a train or other little details like that, how different is that from Hostel?  The reason I'm reviewing it today- it's set around Christmas.  While it wasn't jumping on the 'Holiday Horror Bandwagon' per se, it's plot is set around that festive holiday.  Is it a lost Silent Night, Deadly Night or just another Christmas Evil?  Get out your barely-hidden blackmail for my review of...

The movie begins with possibly the most obnoxious opening song this side of Dracula Rising.  It juxtaposes this with one important credit- Music by Ennio Morricone.  Don't worry- the rest is better.  The point of this is to show our two main villains running through the crowd and causing mayhem.  To fulfill the Christmas quota, the pair rob a 'Santa' taking donations- in front of a bunch of people no less.  Subtle, guys!  In a separate plot that will eventually join up, two co-eds are going home for Christmas break.  I don't see how this will possibly connect to the other plot!  The movie pads out the run-time a bit with a sub-plot involving the dad at home being a control freak, as well as a scene where the parents waiting at the arrival city go out shopping for a bike.  Is it important that they're buying a bike this year when they said that they wouldn't last year?  No.  As the train prepares to leave, our local thugs attack a random woman and run into the train station.  They jump onto the departing train, which is not noticed by anyone.  On the plus side, we have a plot now!

Unlike the train, this movie still takes a little while to get going.  We get a number of quick scenes to set up the characters on the train, but many of them amount to nothing.  What's the point of the Bishop with a nervous twitch, seeing how he only has one other cameo in the film?  Oh right- there is none!  The important one is a woman on the train who accidentally drops a picture from her book.  That picture is of her living up to the girl from Chasing Amy's nickname.  I'll let you Kevin Smith fans in on the joke- tell the rest.  She ends up running into one of the two thugs in the bathroom on the train, where he proceeds to molest her.  It's okay though, since she gets into it, proceeding to have a five-minute long (roughly) sex scene with the guy, all while showing zero skin.  Your actress will agree to do a few of these scenes, but dresses more prudish than Diane Keaton. Logic?  Our heroines stand outside the door and see no problem with this, since the lady is moaning.  You're terrible people!  Through a series of events, they end up trapped in a room with the woman and the two thugs.  Due to her being a slut and her rape/sex scene, the woman is now on the thug's side.  That's...random.

What follows is a long bit of the girls being threatened and molested.  If you want to see where 'Torture Porn' got its origins, this is a good place to look.  At one point, an older man comes by...and just stares at the sexual activity.  He's eventually invited in, has sex with the one girl and leaves.  The point of this: to have him call the cops later...which amounts to nothing.  Eventually, the one girl is stabbed to death What Have You Done to Solange? style, while the other runs...without her pants on.  She jumps, but hits some rocks and dies.  The criminals freak out, but regain their composure.  At the stop, the doctor/father character is called to help heal a wound on the woman's leg and ends up inviting them home.  The news eventually breaks about the girls' deaths and they figure out the one man is responsible, due to him wearing a tie bought for the dad.  He meets a violent and bloody end after trying to shoot up.  Speaking of shooting, the dad chases the other guy with a gun.  The wife begs him to stop, but he kills the man anyways.  Meanwhile, the real guilty party (the woman) just sort of stands there.  The End.

This movie sucks and you suck too, Roth!  The plot is as basic as can be, which is why they try to focus on everything but it.  Random characters, filler sub-plots and distractions abound.  For example, during the long section where the girls are trapped in the room, we not only cut to the dinner party held by their parents, but we also get to see them bicker before hand.  I can excuse the former- as it is used for a bit of forced irony- but not the latter.  Again- why do we have to see the parents go buy bikes and even get back-story on how this is a new thing?  The actual story on the train is so brief that they pad the lead-in to it, the events surrounding it and even the ending.  This movie has more excess accessories than Imelda Marcos!  We're skipping the obvious too- this is a Last House on the Left rip-off.  Made about three years after Craven's film, the movie was even marketed in the U.S. at some point as both Last House- Part II, Second House on the Left, New House on the Left and The New House on the Left.  We get it, American distributors!  As far as being a Christmas film, there's no snow and Santa only makes a cameo in the beginning- despite another alternate title being Xmas Massacre!  Beyond all of that, here's my biggest- and most semantical- gripe: there's only one murder on the night train.  The girl jumping to her death doesn't really count.  Everything about you is a lie, so feel free to return to obscurity.

Next up, I cover a movie that has never, ever been released on DVD.  It involves a little monster, Christmas and...'Grizzly Adams.'  Stay tuned...

Film Face-Off: Marvel's Thor vs The Asylum's Thor

Marvel is putting all their Iron Man credibility behind the new Thor movie.  Will it continue the success?

Well, the answer is tricky when you consider that they have competition- from The Asylum.

First in the Face-Off: The Poster (Teaser, anyways)

Marvel

 Asylum

Okay, that one's an easy call.  Next up: Odin vs. Odin.

Marvel

 Asylum

Yeah, I don't see how this is a tough one.  Finally, the big one: Thor vs. Thor.

Marvel

 Asylum

Case closed.  I think it's clear which one is going to be better.

The Asylum all the way!

Holiday Death: Xmas Tale

What happens when a director suddenly hits it big?  The most obvious thing is that their older films get more attention than they had originally.  This is not always the case.  Case in point: Paco Plaza.  After suddenly hitting it big with ORec in 2008, many of his earlier works are not that famous.  Hell, I didn't even realize that he was the director of Werewolf Hunter until I did research for this movie- and I saw that movie!  Speaking of obscure, here is a Made-for-TV horror film by Plaza from 2005.  As a bonus, it also features Ivana Baquero aka the girl from Pan's Labyrinth.  She's gone on to do...nothing of note in America, so let's just move on.  The film is a period piece (although good luck guessing why) tale of children facing down a killer.  It should be a joyful event for all.  Get out your rare VHS films for my review of...

The film begins with...a different movie.  Yeah, it starts out with a parody of cheap '80s zombie films.  Hey, I...take no offense to that- they deserve it.  After a long opening meant to built up some subtext, we meet our heroes.  They're...a bunch of kids in the 1980s.  Okay- I didn't see that coming.  Incidentally, this film is set in 1985.  Why?  So they can have a character obsessed with the Karate Kid movie.  No, really.  Other than that, it serves no purpose.  After some character set-up, they wander into the nearby woods and find someone fallen into a trap.  It appears to be a woman in a Santa suit.  Kudos to Spain for gender equality, I guess.  One of them runs to get a rope, only to catch the Conveniently-Timed News.  As it turns out, the woman is a bank robber who escaped in a Santa suit.  Let that one sink in for a minute.  In a strange moment, the kid meets with his friends and they agree to keep her in the pit until she gives up the dough.  You're hardcore, Spanish kids!

They continue to give food and drink to the woman, although there are some problems.  For one thing, all the food they bring is junk food- since they're kids.  When they drop a soda can in for her, it hits her on the leg, injuring her.  Swing and a miss, kids.  The woman continues to get more upset at her confinement.  The only girl in the group (Baquero) begins to feel bad and brings more actual food to the lady.  She begins to feel friction from the others about the plan, especially as more time goes by and no money shows up.  Eventually, the woman gives up the goods.  Where was the $2 million stashed?  In the lining of her jacket.  That's...a silly idea.  What was her plan if she was caught exactly?  All seems well for the group until they finally decide to turn in the woman.  The cop isn't happy because he thinks they played a prank on him.  Why?  Because the pit is empty.  That lady is loose, limping and not happy!

Despite how it sounds, the chase between a hobbing woman in a Santa suit and a bunch of Spanish kids is pretty dramatic.  It's still a little silly, but I kind of dug it.  The group runs for their lives for a bit before hiding.  Remember that zombie movie parody from the beginning?  The whole point of that was to set-up a plot point where the lead kid plans to kill the woman in the same way, since he thinks that she's a zombie.  I don't know- just go with it.  All of this leads up to a long, dramatic chase in a closed down (due to the Winter) amusement park.  They manage to stab her through the eye like in the movie, but that doesn't work.  Time for Plan B!  After some tension, they lure the woman up to the top of one of those rides where you slide down on a carpet.  This also brings us to the (silly) Chekov's Gun established with The Karate Kid.  Yes, they kid does the 'Crane Kick' and knocks the woman down the slide!  You go, Spanish McLovin!  Our heroes go home to celebrate that everything will return to normal.  One of the kids goes missing, however, and the girl decides to check out the pit.  She finds 'McLovin' dead (although, they don't show it- pussies) and the axe-wielding lady Santa there.  She lets our heroine go, but still plans to kill the others.  The End.

This movie is actually pretty good.  The plot is certainly out-there, but it works for me.  The kids are decent actors, especially Boquera.  Obviously, she has the bigger resume to point to than the others!  I still don't get the point of this being set in 1985 other than for the Karate Kid stuff.  It's not a terrible thing- just odd.  I may be the only one that cares about that, so I guess I'll let it go.  The film's big hit-or-miss aspect is making it about kids so young.  This gives it greater drama (to most people), but also limits it.  When you cast 'teens,' you can kill a couple of them off.  Here, you really can't.  The subject of killing children is so controversial that a cult movie was named after it- Who Can Kill a Child?  I think Plaza makes this one work though.  If you can accept that it's more about the idea of people being killed than actual murder, you can enjoy it.  The kid actors do their part and it mostly comes together.  I question the whole 'zombie' aspect a bit and the ending, but it's otherwise a good effort.  Check this one out, guys.

Next up, I'm forced to skip a 2008 slasher film that's Christmas-related.  In it's place, a Christmas horror film that Eli Roth insists that we see- hurray.  Stay tuned...
  

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Superman/Shazam- The Return of Black Adam

It's so rare that cartoons provide me fodder for this segment.  Here's the exception...

The film (actually a short) begins with a couple sitting in their car at 'make-out point.'  They're distracted by a shooting star...that gets bigger.  Faster than you can say 'I don't think Geico will cover this,' their car is blown up by the fiery object.

That object is, of course, Black Adam making his titular return.  He wreaks a lot of havoc, but doesn't actually kill anyone else.

Of course, these people are still dead, despite the fact that our heroes unite to beat the villain.  By the way, nobody ever addresses this scene either.  Nice.

Next up, a holiday horror film of tiny proportions brings us a trio of Poor Bastards.  Stupid teenagers- horniness will get you killed.  Stay tuned...

Holiday Death: Wind Chill

Baby, it's cold outside!  Mind you, I love in sunny Florida, so that's pretty relative.  We get frost on our strawberries, while you get snow/sleet all over.  Either way, we can all find a time when we're freezing our balls off!  Speaking of freezing, it's not so much the wind that does it, but the wind chill itself.  Hey, that's also the name of the film I'm reviewing today!  I'm just full of coincidences today, huh?  This low-budget film was made Direct-to-DVD, but it does have something more going for it.  As an Independent Film, it has about six Producers.  The two to note: George Clooney and Steven Sodebergh.  Yeah, does anyone really think that they watched a single frame of this movie?  I thought not.  The film tells the tale of road travel, awkward conversation and ghosts.  They find their way in eventually, but you'll probably not guess how.  Get out your randomly-locking door for my review of...

The film begins with shots of a college campus, leading to a girl in class on her cell phone.  Ignoring your work to text your friend- a realistic portrayal of students for once!  She gives texting exposition by explaining that she is going to take the bus (plug for Greyhound!) to get home this Christmas.  Instead, her friend suggests that she seek a ride on the board at campus.  She does so, accepting a ride from an oddly-intense guy and his station wagon.  Yeah, he seems safe.  She goes anyway, leading to roughly ten minutes of awkward staring, bad dialog and shots of the road.  Wow, it's like a road trip...with complete strangers.  They stop in a gas station, where our heroine goes into the bathroom.  Some weird lights flash and noises sound, but nothing actually happens.  That's a good replacement for plot!  The guy goes off on a side road, claiming that it's a shortcut.  Eventually, he crashes into a snowdrift to avoid an oncoming car.  Please be dead, you two!

No, they're alive.  However, they're situation is not good.  They can't start the car, nor can they get it out of the snow.  Oh yeah, nobody is nearby to help either.  While the two sit awkwardly in the cold car, the truth comes out.  The guy is not from near where she lives.  Instead, he's an admirer from her class who spied on her texting, set up the sheet and waited.  Apparently, he's both a stalker and The Flash!  The man goes off for help, while the girl stays behind.  He returns quite quickly, but simply says that nobody was near.  This is apparently a key plot point, in case you care.  The radio pops out to a random station and song, leading to a cop arriving.  The guy turns out to be kind of evil, pulling a gun on our heroine.  Suddenly, weird effects flash on the screen and the scene didn't happen.  Huh?  They will sort of explain this later, so hold your horses.  Things continue to look bleak, as frostbite begins to set in.  On the plus side, our creepy hero finally gets to touch the girl, if only to keep him from losing his hand.  Win-win!

Basically, we learn that this stretch of road is haunted.  I'll give you a moment to stop laughing.  Now then, we see that a cop patrolled the road and abused his power, raping and killing people at his own whim.  Eventually, he had a car accident himself on the road, his car burned up and he died.  Now his ghost haunts the strip and attacks anyone nearby.  This leads to a silly scene where our heroine has to take a phone over to the telephone pole and hook it up.  It's silly because the drama is built around whether she can do that before the song starts up again on the radio.  That's real drama, people!  She calls for a lift into town, but the young guy is dead.  The trip back is stopped by the evil, ghost cop who witnesses his own death again and...time resets.  They set this whole plot event up, but it's too stupid to get into.  Our heroine makes her way back into town safely, but the guy is still dead.  Well, it's a happy ending for one of us- this movie is over!  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is stupid and padded to the brim with filler.  Do we need so much inane dialog between the two?  No!  This just makes them both unlikable and me bored as hell!  I have no issue with you setting up characters, but that's not what you did here.  The entire thing feels like it was put together on a dare.  I mean, just look at the elements of it.  Reincarnation, a haunted highway, a ghost cop and random ghosts.  This is a Funny or Die horror film!  I seriously can't believe that Clooney and Sodebergh let their names be attached to this.  Of course, they did make Ocean's Thirteen.  Quite frankly, I've wasted too much of my time on this Direct-to-DVD drivel.  There are some good moments here, but you have to endure a lot to see them.  My advice: don't bother.

Up next, a Christmas horror tale comes to us from another country.  It's by the director of Rec, so maybe there's hope yet!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Alien

Alien- why have you led to so many weird posters?  It would be one thing if they were different forms of aliens or something, but they're not.  Case in point...

Send in the clowns?  What's going on here?  Who green-lit this?  Seriously?!?!?

Up next, a famous vampire film gets the LiT treatment.  Given that the whole film is a metaphor, I'm sure that the foreign guys will get it right.  Stay tuned...

Holiday Death: Silent Night, Bloody Night

Andy Warhol can suck it!  The guy has been dead for about 23 years now, but I stand by my statement.  While I don't really hate 'his' horror movies per se, this film is not good.  Mind you, he didn't produce or write this film.  It is, however, full of his buddies and serves as a film that he 'endorsed.'  For all that he did in his long, impactful life, this is probably a feat that he wanted to forget.  The plot involves a woman, a mental asylum and...John Carradine.  I love you man, but you really needed to say 'no' sometimes!  I know that you did so much of that to pay for your theater troupe, but you should have just let them skip a season!  Let's get this over with.  Get out your non-talking star for my review of...

Okay, I couldn't make much sense of this movie.  Why?  For one thing, the movie relies on a lot of narration.  Now consider the fact that this movie has one of the worst VHS transfers I've ever seen.  The only one that's worse is The Dragon Lives Again.  With all that said, here's what I know (as shown in pictures)...

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A killer on the loose- okay.  John Carradine walking around and not talking.  Weird flashbacks.  There's got to be something more, right?  Anything?  How about a man on fire?  Some death.  Walking in the snow, maybe.  Okay, not so much that last part.  The End.

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This movie...sucks...sort of.  The plot is...well, I don't really know.  I honestly watched this movie from beginning to end and couldn't follow it.  It is due to a combination of overly-relying on narration (show, don't tell!) and a transfer that makes it hard to follow.  Even if you could burn in Subtitles, I don't know how much that.  By the way, Carradine's only 'dialog' is a grunt- not done by him!  I really want to see how they managed to scrounge up the exact amount of money to get him to appear, but not to talk.  What is that dollar amount exactly?  Maybe I'm too hard on this film.  Maybe I should stop being a Grinch.  Of course, I've never made a bad horror film.  Until I do, I consider myself to be free from hypocrisy.  If you want to watch a Christmas horror film, check out the more famous Silent Night movie.  This one is about as forgettable as...what was I just talking about?  Ha ha- obvious joke.

Next up, a low-budget film proves that someone other than Shymalan can make a film about scary wind.  As a bonus, this film credits an Oscar winner as it's producer...although I don't think he ever worked on it.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Operation Warzone

Another over-dramatic action movie poster?  If you insist.  This one is known for it's inexplicable choice of name...

'Who wants to sign up for my mission- Operation: Warzone?  No takers?  It's just a recon mission.  Why don't you...oh, it's the name!"

By the way, nice Reb Brown impression guy on the box.

Next up, in the aftermath of the Christmas weekend, we check out an action movie pairing for the ages.  With a rowdy man and a workout guru save the day?  Stay tuned...

Holiday Death: Tales from the Crypt (1972)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale.  A tale of a fateful crypt.  That started with an anthology film based on comic strips.  

Yes, this is the original Tales From The Crypt film.  It all started with EG Comics and their dark, horror tales famous for putting decapitated heads and zombies on the covers.  

Way to help bring about comic censorship in the '50s, guys!  

Seriously though, these comics have been a boon for films, leading to this one as well as the Creepshow series (minus the piece of shit third one).  

Why does this Anthology Film make my Christmas Week Review List though?  

You'll see.  

One thing to note is that this movie features a half dozen or so tales, as opposed to the standard 3 or 4.  The result is that all of them are shorter.  

That makes them more condensed and concise.  

It also means that subtlety goes out the window in order to set-up, play out and close a tale in roughly ten minutes.  I just thought that you should know.  

Get out your unwanted Christmas presents for my review of...

A group of tourists visit a Catacomb of sorts.  Why?  

I'm guessing that they want to see the inbred, pig-mask-wearing killer there.  

Anyhow, they linger about like idiots and get split up.  They end up in a secret room with Sir Ralph Richardson dressed like a Druid and sitting in front of a skull background.  

Wrong turn, wrong turn!  

He orders them to sit and tells them each a tale.  The first one features Ms. Joan Collins (ladies and star-power first) at Christmas.  

All is well in the house as an older man sits down to read the paper.  Oh yeah, that and die...

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Joan kills him and hides this from their daughter upstairs.  

What's the long-term plan, Joan?  

She hears a radio report about an escaped lunatic wearing a Santa suit being out there.  

Uh oh, Lobo is free!  She locks up and hides when he passes by.  Wow, genuine tension.  That goes away quickly, however, as she closes the blinds and begins to arduously clean the scene up.  

She goes to check on the daughter, only to find her missing.  

She goes back downstairs and learned that the girl let in Santa.  Ruh roh.  

He chases her to the fire and kind of chokes her.  It's mostly a massage, but whatever.  We cut back to the group.  Happy Holidays.

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That's only the first fifteen minutes or so of the film, mind you.  A lot more happens.  

They rip off 'The Monkey's Paw' (and reference it in the tale!) along with other stuff.  

It all ends with one guy falling into Hell.  

Got to love 1970's rear-projection effects, huh?

This (part of) the movie...is okay.  The plot is simple and concise.  

Unfortunately, the terror comes and goes due to its nature.  The evil, lurking 'Santa' is a great menace, but he's literally forgotten about for a few, long minutes there.  All you had to do was cut back to him lurking, guys!  

The trade-off is that his sudden reappearance is more dramatic this way.  It's also a bit silly too.  

Was he just sitting on a bench or something until the girl saw him?  When you don't show it, I have to assume.  The acting is decent, although it's solely Joan's show.  The husband is just there to say two lines or so and die.  

On the plus side, he was paid for it.  

I wish this was a longer tale and played more off of the girl's love for/eventual fear of Santa.  You have some real tension and drama there. 

 I suppose it's a bit late to give notes for a film made 11 years before I was even born though, huh?  It's just a thought.  

The biggest selling point of the whole film for me is the irony that The Cryptkeeper goes from being played by Sir Ralph Richardson here to a pun-spewing puppet in the TV show.  What a segue!  Enjoy your death massage, Joan!

Up next, I attempt to cover a long-time cult classic.  Unfortunately, one of the worst VHS-rips ever may hinder the whole thing.  Stay tuned...

A Review in Pictures: Robo Geisha

Simple, two word movie titles can be very effective.  Movies like Star Wars, Prom Night and Violent Shit just lure you in with their simplicity.  That's the case with today's import film: Robo Geisha.  What's it about?  Robot geishas.  That's simple enough.  There's so much more to this movie though.  It features scenes freakier than most people could have ever imagined.  Of course, you have to look at the people behind it.  It's a co-production by Noboru Iguchi and Yoshihiro Nishimura.  For those of you who don't know, Iguchi is the man who brought us The Machine Girl.  Nishimura, meanwhile, is the man who brought us Tokyo Gore Police.  Those two people came together to make something that matches the theme and hyper-violence that you expect from them.  How is the actual movie though?  Get out your armpit blades for my review (in pictures) of...

This is a tale of two young women- one a geisha, the other not.  Fate aligned in a certain way, however, that would change their lives forever...

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After all of that, our heroines have a divide.  Things turn bad for one, while good for the other.  This is where things get really crazy...

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Who can stop the giant robot?  Why the titular Robo Geisha, of course.  As she'll learn though, this is not an easy fight to win.  Who triumphs in the end?  Whose (violent) cuisine reigns supreme?

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This movie is absolutely freaking nuts!  The plot is bizarre and it takes many twists and turns.  So much of this movie is played for comedy, however, so it's best not to analyze it too deeply.  Hell, I can barely even explain it- let alone with a straight face!  Don't bother trying to make sense, people!  The action is the selling point and you'll either love it or hate it.  This movie is probably going to have no middle ground.  It's silly and ridiculous- so I love it.  Others out there may say 'It's silly and ridiculous- I hate it!'  Nobody, however, is going to go 'eh- I've seen that before.'  If you've seen mouth saws, machine gun breasts and AssSwords before, you need help!  Incidentally, I'm sure we'd have a great time discussing this though.  If you love Japanese Gonzo cinema (if it has a different/more applicable name, let me know), you have to see this movie.  While not as iconic as TGP (what is?), it's easy to put on your shelf alongside The Machine Girl and Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl.  Will other releases like Mutant Girl Squad, Yoroi: The Samurai Zombie and Big Tits Zombie 3-D do the same?  Only time- and proper DVD distribution in America- will tell.

Next up, we get right into the Christmas season with a week of theme films.  First up, a not-so famous segment from a very famous horror anthology film.  Stay tuned...

Instant Rare Flix Trash: The Man Who Fell To Earth

Why remake a classic?  This question has lingered about for many years and nobody can really answer it.  Some say it's to update the material for a new audience, while others says 'shut up- I want to make money!'  As I write this, we are about to see the release of the Coen Brothers' remake of True Grit.  I guess it's fitting then that I review the 1987 Made-For-TV remake of The Man Who Fell To Earth.  It's amazing when my own convenient logic helps me out.  What you need to know is this: no Bowie.  There's one off-hand reference to him in the movie (he comments once that humans aren't 'dancing in the streets'), but that's it.  Instead, the movie stars...um, some guy I don't know or care about.  The film was a back-door pilot for a series, which never saw the light of day.  I would ask why they bothered, given that we had already tried to turn Starman into a TV series and had it fail, but whatever.  Get out your gem ex machina for my review of...

The film begins with a meteor crashing into the Earth.  Fun fact: the explosion effect was the same one used in Trancers 6.  Of course, that film was made in 2002, while this one was made in 1987.  Ouch.  It actually turns out to be a space ship carrying our hero.  His other comrades die, so he buries them and attempts to do a sad exclamation.  Yeah, you're about as convincing as Tommy Wiseau.  He instantly changes clothes and throws away his space suit, thus robbing the film of any iconic imagery.  Smooth move, guys.  He hitches a ride with a trucker, but she passes out and crashes.  Using his magic gem, he heals her and drives the rest of the way.  He ends up in a diner where he's waited on by Annie Potts.  Oh, how you had to wait until they made Ghostbusters!  He eats about thirty different meals, which ends up costing him about $32.  I hate you, inflation!  He trades her a bunch of diamonds for his meal and her car, thus ending her minuscule plot thread about going to Hawaii.  Wow, that was pointless.  He goes to the city and basically sells a trio of unused patents to fund 'his research project.'  Yeah, just throw those out there.  That worked out really well in Star Wreck!

Despite his earlier statement about only wanting to work with one guy, he randomly goes downstairs when a guy forgets his hat.  He runs into a single mother (Beverly D'Angelo) and her punk rock son.  He makes friends with her and intercedes to help her son.  Mind you, the son is in danger because he was running from our hero, but whatever.  While waiting for his money to come, he goes out to a party with her.  He doesn't get drunk on 12 beers, but tomato juice does the trick.  He starts dancing like an idiot and...yeah, I'm done.

The part of this movie I could watch sucks!  The plot is stupid and barely works.  I get that it's a remake of a book and a movie, but the plot feels cliche by this point.  As I mentioned earlier, Starman was both a film and show by this point.  You guys were just retreading that movie...badly.  The film suffers from a forced injection of bad comedy.  The guy even has a catchphrase: 'I don't have any money, so there is no point in mugging me.'  Laughing yet?  They use it three times in ten minutes, so you'd better!  The acting is...not so good.  Our hero is just so terrible that it hurts.  There's a line between being dull and being 'alien.'  Guess which side of the line he ends up on.  He's not funny or someone that I can relate to.  Were you really going to build a show around this idiot?  This movie is not available on disc anywhere, but you can watch it streaming via MGM's site (see the logo on the above picture) or Netflix.  As much as I'm sure the Bowie film can bore me with it's obsession with minute details, I'd still rather watch that.  If you really love obscure films, this is one of them.

Next up, I bring you another Review in Pictures.  This time, it's a crazy Japanese film with robots, geishas and vomiting robots.  Stay tuned...