VHS For The Win: Bounty Hunter 2002

Putting a year in a title almost never works out.  Either you dramatically-overshoot your goal (1995's Caged Heat 3000) or look stupid (1992's Amityville 1992).  Is this the case today?  Well,....yes.

That's...just sad.  Where to start?  How about the two stars that need a film role listed under their names to establish that they're stars?  How about the generic pose?  Hell, how about the fact that their tag-line 'A Future Unknown' is obviously not true?!?

Next up, a movie that challenges every other horror series' supremacy.  Why is it named after a bad Schwarzenegger film then?  Stay tuned...

Living Dead and Deader: Dawn of the Living Dead

What can I say?  This movie is called Dawn of the Living Dead.  It's not related to Dawn of the Dead.  It's not related to Night of the Living Dead.  It's not related to any zombie film ever.  Some schmuck named David Heavener saw himself as the next Joe Dallesandro and made a film where's the 'big hunk of a man who sweeps the woman off of her feet.'  As such, he made himself the third lead and gave himself top-billing!  Second (and the only other one on the DVD box) billing goes to Todd Bridges, who plays a super-small role that is just embarrassing to himself, black people, the mentally-handicapped and the human race as a whole.  The film also stars some lady I don't feel like looking up (the actual lead) and Joe Estevez, the star of such films as Soultaker, (Arizona) Werewolf and Deathbed.  This is not going to be pretty, is it?  The story does involve zombies, but even that proves to be a giant disappointment as a whole.  Get out your shotgun for my painful review of...

The story involves a young woman with a past history of drug abuse moving into a house in the desert with her fiance (Estevez).  Yes, this 30-year old woman is clearly engaged to this pasty, middle-aged guy!  She begins to see visions of a family being murdered.  As a side note, I'm sure that they'd be allowed to sell this house where an entire family was killed very recently.  There's no such thing as a crime scene in this state, I guess.  Her visions appear randomly and without any clear rhyme or reason.  If you're looking for logic, look elsewhere.  Speaking of which, a glowing, purple moon appears in the sky.  Nobody ever really comments on it- it just happens.  This doesn't make the news anywhere, huh?  In fact, at one point, the woman notices it and points it out to Estevez, who looks at it and says nothing.  Really?

In a sub-plot that serves no purpose, a biker-looking guy, his lady and some illegal immigrants wander through the field.  What's the point?  To have the woman tease some nudity and for some zombies to appear and kill everyone.  Thanks for that movie- it explains a lot.  Our heroine goes wandering off into the fields and meets a pair of workers.  One of them is Heavener and the other is *sigh* Todd Bridges playing a mentally-handicapped man that makes Simple Jack look like Forrest Gump!  It's horrible, offensive and completely-pointless.  After this meeting, the couple has Heavener over for dinner and, after a fight with her fiance, our heroine engages in a heavily-edited sex scene with the man.  Gee, who wrote and directed this movie again?!?  Meanwhile, our heroine continues to met with bizarre visions of the family's death, the multiple moons (they end up with 3 or 4 by the end) and a cornfield appearing in the desert.  When she goes to show Estevez, nothing is there.  He goes off later that day in the mid-afternoon, only to be killed by a group of zombies that appear at dusk!  Man, that's a long walk to his car!

The final act of the movie makes even less sense than everything that led up to it!  The zombies show up and finally try to attack our heroine.  Thankfully, Heavener shows up with a shotgun to save the day.  Gee, his wielding of that weapon looks just like the way it was used when that family was killed.  Given that the cast consists of about seven people, he's obviously the guilty party- no matter how little it makes sense!  He aids our heroine in putting the bodies to rest, thus ending their cycle of rebirth, murder and death.  Afterward, he threatens to kill our heroine for no clear reason.  Unfortunately for him, the pregnant zombie mother gave birth *sort of* to her zombie baby, which he holds in front of his face for no good reason.  It turns him, causing another threat after everything seems safe.  Thankfully, Todd 'Stop Mentioning That I'm In This Movie' Bridges saves the day with, what else, a shotgun.  In the aftermath, the zombie baby is a zombie kid and kills off an adoption counselor that comes by.  The freaking End.

This movie sucks in all meanings of the word!  The writing sucks, the acting sucks and the production values suck.  There's almost no redeeming value here.  There are zombies, but they are utterly generic.  There are crazy effects, but they serve no purpose.  The whole thing is just weird and painful.  In fact, I'm done talking about this movie myself.  In lieu of anything else, I'll direct you to this video review of the film: http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/teamt/phelous/23927-dawn-of-the-living-dead 

Up next, Forgotten Sequels brings us the final tale of a killer doll.  Well, it's the final tale before everything got, well, weird.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Midnight Movie

Never let it be said that I have a problem with good or clever ideas.  There never seem to be enough of them out there, so I applaud any time that I see them.  However, when you use the same clever idea, my reaction is not quite the same.  While not as disingenuous as actually stealing ideas, copying an idea and then acting like you've not heard of the original use is just insulting.  Take, for example, the makers of The Last Broadcast, a really well-made movie with a shit ending.  The whole thing is a pretty blatant copy of Cannibal Holocaust- one that would also show up in The Blair Witch Project and Welcome to the Jungle- so, naturally, the makers acted like they've never heard of Holocaust.  Yeah, I buy that!  You self-funded your own 'lost footage' horror film, but you've never heard of the most famous film to do that?  I cry 'bullshit' on that one!  This brings me to today's film: Midnight Movie.  For all intents and purposes, this movie is Lamberto Bava's Demons, if the film-within-a-film was Three on a Meat Hook.  Not the most original idea for a movie,- obviously- but it could have promise.  Do they deliver or just leave you wanting some Italian horror?  Get out your evil film negative for my review of...

The film begins promisingly enough in a mental asylum with a crazy patient and the world's worst therapist.  His patient is a film director who's gone crazy and thinks that he's a character from his one and only film.  Naturally, the guy thinks that the best therapy is to let him watch the movie!  Why don't you just hand him a loaded shotgun or a box full of dynamite, dumb-ass!  Sure enough, the guy does some sort of weird ritual and kills the doctor with a P.O.V. shot.  Man, those are always deadly!  Throughout the credits, we see that the hospital staff was killed in a bloody manner and we see the first glimpse of our 'Dr. Loomis,' played by a cop here.  Don't worry- it goes nowhere.  We cut to a movie theater playing the movie made by the crazy director.  They address the fact that the guy killed the staff of a hospital five years ago (nice time jump, by the way), but they're playing the movie anyways.  They explain that the theater owner is too cheap to buy new movies.  Um, wouldn't the film by a famous serial killer be a collector's item worth hundreds or even thousands- especially considering that it only exists in film reel form?!?  My logical reasoning aside, the theater fills up.  By fills up, of course, I mean we get four people and a pair of bikers.  The film begins and, boy, is it something...

 The film-within-a-film is a really generic slasher movie full of hippies.  They didn't really make those kinds of movies in the era where you would have hippies, but, whatever.  Our 'teens' are laughing at the film, which annoys the biker guy in the back.  Yes, don't interrupt this shit.  The cop also from before also shows up, joined by a psychiatrist from earlier.  I sure feel safe now, don't you?  The movie starts to become real as the killer from the movie kills the concession guy in the basement.  For no clear reason, once the guy is killed in the basement, he appears on the film and is pulled into the film's basement.  You want to explain how this works, movie?  No?  Okay then.  Just to note, this happens when our lead heroine is outside due to some sort of traumatic event from her past.  Don't worry- nothing really comes from that either.  This happens again with the 'annoying movie nerd' character.  Hey, movie- not cool!  The 'teens' finally realize that something is up, but they think that it's a gag.  This makes for an interesting plot point until you actually think about it for three seconds.  They go to check out where he was and find blood on the floor.  They still think that it's fake until the cop instantly identifies the blood.  Wow, who needs a science lab when you have a plot point.  The people try to leave, but find that the doors are bullet-proof.  Explain, movie- explain!!

When they finally figure out the truth, it's a bit too late.  The killer manages to take out the rest of the theater staff and chases our heroes upstairs.  One of the women gets her hand stuck in the window when it closes and the cop makes a stand.  Yeah, he gets killed after putting up almost no fight.  You suck as our 'Dr. Loomis,' mister!  The body count rises as the biker guy gets killed, as does his lady friend.  Man, I'll miss you, guy who looks like Bass from 'Dead or Alive.'  Eventually, the crew gets whittled down to just our heroine, her boyfriend and her brother- who was supposed to not be there.  The boyfriend makes a big show about how the guy can't hurt you when you don't fear him.  About ten seconds later, he walks into the room & gets a drill thrown into his face and dies.  How amazingly-pointless.  In a bit related to the remaining characters' past with an abusive father, they do the Lord's Prayer and aren't afraid.  This still gets them knocked out and thrown into the movie.  We see many other people from the asylum and the theater, apparently establishing that the film is some sort of limbo.  Yeah, I don't buy it or care at this point.  Our heroine makes a big show of fighting back, runs out of the film house and finds...the ending credits appearing.  The brother manages to get out and the police have no evidence to support any murder claims.  They also take the film reel with them, setting up a sequel that will probably come soon enough.  The End.

This movie kind of sucks.  I wanted to like it a lot, but I heard nothing but bad things about it.  I put off seeing the movie for a while for that reason...and boy, I should have.  The plot is nothing to write home about, basically playing as Demons- just with less logic.  I get the whole 'the movie becomes real' thing, but how does it make the doors bullet-proof?  How does it make the windows invulnerable?  How does it randomly go from the movie to reality to the movie again?  How do the individual negative have sentience and the strength to turn the projector back over and restart themselves?  How exactly does this purgatory state work?  The problem is that the movie is so generic that you have nothing but time to think about stuff like that.  You can get away with plot holes like that in a movie that's entertaining, since you'll be too busy laughing/cheering to care.  In this film, they stand out like sore thumbs.  Actually, that's not direct enough.  The only thing that would stand out more is if the movie just stopped at one point and had to be restarted a la Return of the Killer Tomatoes.  Seriously, this movie could have just been a decent Demons knock-off and been passable.  Instead, they had to just pull stuff out of their asses and ruin it.  I can only hope that maybe Midnight Movie 2 will be better.

Up next, the 'Living Dead' theme wraps up with the granddaddy of them all.  It sound like two different films that it's not even in the same league with!  Stay tuned...

Delayed Reviews: New Gladiators

Italy is a land that never met a film idea that it couldn't rip-off.  Part of it was due to a lack of creativity in the people that ran the movie studios.  Luigi Cozzi has spoken about this, making the famous quote- "Their first question wasn't 'what is your movie like?' and was actually 'what movie is your movie like?'  Can we place all of the blame on these nameless, faceless men though?  I think so, but let's play the devil's advocate for a moment.  In 1984, Lucio Fulci made New Gladiators, a movie that simultaneously rips off both Deathrace 2000 and Deathsport.  All he needed was to work in enough swordplay to rip-off The Warrior and Sorceress and he could have gotten the hat-trick!  The film is known by many varying titles, including Rome 2072 A.D., Warriors of the Year 2072 and Rome 2033: The Future Centurions.  So, which year does it take place again?  Basically, it's the future, there's an evil corporation and death equals ratings.  Will this movie bring in something new and different?  Get out your disinti-bracelets for my review of...

The movie begins with some long, lingering shots of some model buildings.  Actually, it begins with the Troma logo (they bought it), but I was hoping not to mention that- oops.  We learn that 'Killbike' is the most popular show on television.  It's basically a bunch of people getting killed on motorcycles.  Wow, this movie is just oozing originality and subtlety, huh?  The big star of the show is a wrongfully-convicted man who is forced to fight in the games.  I look forward to seeing this plot point again in Death Race.  A problem has arisen though: a rival network is doing better.  They have a show where people are put into virtual reality and faced with near death experiences.  If they panic, they lose.  That's...a weird idea for show, don't you think?  In order to get the ratings back up, the studio is forced to put on an even bigger show.  In one week, they are going to make a group of convicted, death-row felons fight to the death...on bikes.  Um, if the other show is not working, why will this one?  In the story's context it does, so, go figure.  The group of inmates are a rag-tag group that include a bunch of generic white guys, an Asian guy and Fred "The Hammer" Williamson.  You really couldn't put on a bad Italian film from the 1980s without him, could you?

Unfortunately, this movie suffers from one serious problem: a plot.  You see, this movie is much more than a pretense to string together action sequences on bikes.  No, the plot involves intrigue, deception and robots in space.  The network head is a mysterious man you see only on a monitor.  Gee, he's definitely a hologram or anything.  On top of that, there's a strange, wounded man who has a history with our hero.  We get to see how the men are training, which consists of them standing in a room and fighting off ninjas that randomly teleport.  If you want a good laugh, watch Fred make his dramatic, fighting faces!  The only guy who ever made sillier faces while fighting was Steve James (R.I.P.)!  Oh yeah, the Japanese guy knows kung-fu too.  We get some back-story with our hero too.  Apparently, his family was killed and he was blamed for it, thus ending up here.  He has an ally in the weird, wounded man, who provides him with a device to escape from his cell.  Along with the group, he escapes to the roof through some tunnels, finding themselves face-to-face with a really obvious matte painting.  Unfortunately for them, they get captured and hung over an electrified floor.  One poor bastard (copyright pending) falls and gets shocked, but manages to live when Fred and our hero help him.  Hurray!

As the intrigue and plotting continues to build, I continue to not understand a damn part of it.  From what I can tell, the evil person behind the corporation has plans that will come into play after the big show.  Speaking of which, this part is actually interesting!  It starts out with a chariot-style action scene involving our heroes facing off with some other inmates.  Who are the people they're fighting?  Um, that's a good question.  During this surprisingly-decent scene, we learn the evil plans of the corporate saboteur.  No matter who wins the big fight, the bracelets on their wrists will disintegrate them.  Why?  To make the head of the network look bad and allow him to take over.  The second phase of the fight involves more bike riding and more death.  The lady scientist shows up to tell them the truth and...they just leave.  That seems easier than it should be.  In the process, they kill the lead person that was torturing them- bonus!  They make it to the control room, but the token Asian guy gets killed.  They fight their way further and kill the saboteur, only to learn that he's not the real culprit.  The actual villain is the face on the screen- whose actual body is a computer terminal in space.  The drama of this scene is ruined by the choice to have flashing strobe lights running constantly.  In the end, they kill the wounded man, learn that he's a robot and use a code from a flash drive embedded in his eye to blow up the satellite.  For no reason, Fred Williamson vanishes before the credits.

This movie is not that good.  You would think that the combination of Lucio Fulci and arena combat would be golden.  Sadly, the plot is just not up to snuff.  There's plenty of it, but it takes too long to get going and doesn't really deliver.  In addition, the budget is definitely not up to snuff.  That matte painting in the roof scene would only be more obvious if they put up a sign in front of it saying 'This is not real!'  The acting is not too bad here- that's a surprise.  The star does a good job in this underwritten role and Fred Williamson is, well, Fred Williamson.  The two big action scenes of the movie are pretty entertaining, the latter more so.  If there could have been one or two more of them, I might actually recommend the film.  Fulci felt the same way apparently, since he allegedly left once shooting was over and put zero input into the post-production phase.  It's a shame that Fulci has yet to really make a great film that I've seen.  He's got more though, so there may still be hope.  In the meantime, enjoy this melting face shot.

Next up, Blockbuster Trash brings you a movie that rips off Demons.  As long as this doesn't involve Haitian zombies, this might be salvageable.  Stay tuned...

Immediate Response: Piranha 3-D

I just shelled out $13 to see Piranha 3-D in a theater slightly-full of people.  Was it worth it?

The Bad

* The acting is...well, mostly terrible.
* Jerry O'Connell can be very annoying (even more so than he's supposed to be)
* At times, the 3-D is pretty obvious and silly.
* The copious nudity is going to keep it from getting a mainstream market.
* Eli Roth shows up in the movie.  Although, to be fair...

The Good

* Eli Roth gets killed in a violent manner.  I can't see enough of that.
* The whole thing feels like a camp classic.  For the most part, all the notes it hits are strong.
* Jerry O'Connell does play his part to perfection.
* The 3-D is a big selling point here, as it is used in a very campy and fun way.

As a whole, the movie is certainly going to make it's original creators- Joe Dante and Roger Corman- very proud.  It is full of bloody death, lots of nudity & a story that's a combination of Jaws 2 and 3.  If you don't like nudity or death, you have no reason to see this movie.  I think that's kind of obvious though.  If you want to see porn stars (they have to be) torn in half or see the most blatant combination of 3-D and nudity, this is for you.

It's everything we hoped it would be.  We have nobody to blame but ourselves for how well it does commercially now. 

Combs Away: Snide and Prejudice

Philippe Mora is just a crazy man.  Born in France, he's made films for many countries.  Amongst his films are The Return of Captain Invincible, The Howling III: Marsupials and the soon-to-be-reviewed Communion.  All of his movies are weird and usually obscure.  I tell you all of this to discuss a weird and obscure movie he made in 1997.  With the title of Snide & Prejudice, you know that you're going to get something off-kilter and strange.  Basically, a therapist (career character actor Renee Auberjonois) has a bunch of patients in his asylum that think they are Nazis.  So, for some reason, he has them act out the history of the Nazi's rise to power.  No, really.  The cast includes a slew of character actors including Richard Moll, Brion James, Mena Suvari and, my man, Jeffrey Combs!  The starring role belongs to Angus MacFadyen, who plays the lead crazy person/Hitler.  The Film has almost no real plot to it, so this should be an easy one.  Get out your imaginary guns for my review of..

The film begins with a woman interviewing a therapist (Auberjonois) about his work with the mentally-unbalanced.  For some reason, this interview segment- as with the others- is shot in black & white.  Does this mean that the guy is part of the nWo?!?  Anyhow, we see MacFadyen acting out a scene where Hitler is giving a speech.  Additionally, he's only in the full regalia once here until after the first hour ends- weird.  Things get weirder as we see him act out Hitler's suicide in the bunker.  So, he knows he's not Hitler and that he's not really dying...but he also thinks he's Hitler.  Either this movie is really 'meta' or just stupid.  I can't quite decide just yet.  To add to the weirdness, Angus comments to Auberjonois about how the new 'Eva' is better than the old 'Eva.'  My head is hurting.  He also engages in a fictitious affair with his cousin (Suvari).  If you ever wanted to see the bad guy from Warriors of Virtue romance that cheerleader from American Beauty- this is your film!

After setting all of these events up, the movie pretty much just tells Hitler's rise to power.  It takes place in a series of short playlets set-up by the Psychiatrist.  Apparently, they're so crazy that they ignore his explanatory narration and act out the part.  In lieu of attempting to explain the film's non-plot, I will amuse you with this slide show of Angus making really, really weird faces.  It's what Philippe would want.

Given that I put his name in the title, I should mention that Combs plays a small part here.  Yeah, I was hoping that he would be in this more.  Even so, if you can survive an hour and fifteen minutes of the film, you get to see him.  In addition, you get to see Richard Moll play a General in full military attire...save for pants.  Instead, he's wearing plaid sweatpants.  Sure- why not?!?
 In the end, the film's only actual plot point- the escaped prisoner on the loose- comes to a head as he confronts 'Hitler' and the psychiatrist...and gets caught.  Yeah, that went nowhere.  'Hitler' kills the Doctor for being a Jew...only to learn that it didn't happen because his gun is imaginary.  After that, the film just kind of ends.  Seriously, just like that.

This movie is incredibly-weird, incredibly-silly and incredibly-pointless.  The film has almost no actual plot after the first ten minutes or so.  The whole thing lasts just about two hours and just features the actors playing crazy people that act out the Nazi Party's rise to power.  It's very detailed...but why would I watch this movie for it?  There's this place called The History Channel, you know!  That said, Angus is great in this thing and he's the only continuous reason to watch it.  People like Brion James, Richard Moll and Jeffrey Combs have small parts and do great in them- but they're just small parts.  The whole thing just feels long and tedious when he's not around.  If you've seen his silly performance in Warriors of Virtue, you've seen his role here.  This time, however, he's dressed up like Hitler.  The film does some things well, like blurring the lines of reality at times.  The problem is that it does so rarely.  One great bit has a Hitler-led dinner interrupted by 'Picasso,' leading to an argument about whether or not 'Picasso' can have a cookie.  It's great, but fleeting.  Most of this is played completely-straight.  Yes, they play this thing straight!  If the movie was forty-five minutes or so, it would be an easy sell.  At two hours, it's just long and ridiculous.  You can have some fun here, but only in short bursts.  Sorry, Philippe.  At least it's better than The Return of Captain Invincible!

Next up, Lucio Fulci's work returns here in a Delayed Review.  Who wants to see Fulci rip-off Deathrace 2000?  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Heavy Metal 2000

What's old is new again, eh?  Well, more accurately, what's old is new...ten years ago.  In 1981, a movie got famous for focusing on three things: bullets, bombs and boobs.  Wow, it's the movie that Andy Sideris never made!  Whoever gets that joke...really needs to get out more.  The movie was Heavy Metal, an overrated (sorry, but it is) anthology film that centers around a magical orb.  Aside from featuring John Candy doing 600 voices, the movie got popular with teenagers by letting them see bodies get into pieces and boobs all over the place.  In the year 2000, the people behind the original- including Kevin Eastman, creator of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- got together to update the story.  What's changed in ten-odd years?  The movie is no longer an anthology, but, instead is a straight-forward story involving a man possessed by the orb.  Okay, that's a little weird.  They do get some interesting people on board to do voices including Julie Strain, Billy Idol and Michael Ironside.  Okay, that's a little better.  Will this movie be the second coming of BBB or will it remain as obscure?  Get out your FAKK2 (whatever the hell that is) for my review of...

Our story begins with a group of miners on a spaceship digging into some rocks.  Apparently, this is a more low-key form of mining where you get rocks taken to you inside of your ship and work on them there.  One of the miners uncovers the magical orb and gets possessed.  The effect of this possession is that his hair grows out and he seems to turn into Henry Rollins.  He kills his partner with his giant pick and takes over the ship.  How many people are on this ship again?  He takes them out into deep space after blowing up the rest of the rock and causing the credits to appear.  On a nice planet, a brunette is wandering around while another woman is taking a shower.  Yeah, between that and the man getting killed with the drill, the tone of the movie is set.  The woman in the shower is the other woman's sister and a schoolteacher.  Nice of you to give us the porn-style introduction and then make her have that job, movie!  All is nice on Eden (subtle) until our villain and his crew of about three people show up.  We get a lot of CG ships flying around and shooting holes in the citizens of the planet.  They blow up the school building in which our heroine's sister is in...but she survives.  Yeah, more on that later.  A big showdown occurs as our heroine's father in his spaceship and...um, some alien guy.  He dies and our heroine is pissed.

The villains get upset when they don't exactly find what they're looking for.  However, when our porno-school teacher emerges from the rubble, they capture her.  The secondary henchman tries to protect her and gets left behind, but only after the villain shoots 'FAKK2' into the wall.  Anyone care to explain that to me?  Our heroine finally arrives and, naturally, beats up the henchman.  After some bantering and arguing, they fly off after the villain and track him to a big space port.  An excuse to show random, weird aliens and boobs- why not?  After a random aside with a robot sex doll (don't ask), our heroine unloads a ton of bullets into the villain.  Unfortunately for her, he's got an immortality potion.  There's kind of a flaw in having a potion that restores your life if you have to die to use it, right?  Following a big explosion, our villains flee.  Our heroes manage to latch onto their ship before they make a 'jump.'  This drives our villain to send his ships out...which causes them to get pulled into the portal and explode.  This works so well that he does it twice.  Eventually, both ships crash on an abandoned planet.  Don't worry- nobody important dies.  The villain makes his way to a group of lizard-men and promptly challenges them all to a fight.  Yeah, he's a little crazy at this point.

Plot-wise, this movie really picks up by the half-way point- um, yea?  Our heroine- now just FAKK2- meets up with a Yoda-stand in named Thor (Billy Idol) and his rock man friend.  He refuses to let her kill the villain since the 'big picture is more important.'  She still tries, mind you, but they just keep interrupting.  They wander out to the middle of nowhere to find a temple that houses some magical fluid.  Oh, I hope it's Liquid Satan!  Now controlling the Lizard Men, our villain sends his army in Two Towers-style.  The defenders of the fluid (catchy) hold them back for a bit, but start to get overwhelmed.  Even our heroine's seat belt-style outfit fails to turn the tide!  Eventually, they manage to beat down and kill Ironside's madman in gruesome fashion.  This sets up...RANDOM HEEL TURN by Thor, revealing that this was all a plot to get him to the fluid.  Oh yeah, he also turns into a really-obvious CG creation too.  His sudden and unexplained turn fails as the fluid is sent away with the rock guy and he is locked up.  See you in nine years!  The End.

This movie...is kind of a hot mess.  The plot is interesting, but really drags for a bit when it can't seem to go anywhere.  It keeps hitting the same notes and plot holes appear frequently.  Why does the villain not recognize our heroine when she tries to seduce him, despite him seeing her shoot him about two days earlier?  Why does this evil force only manifest itself in a weird potion obtained by draining people with some sort of radiation in their blood?  Oh yeah, the random villain reveal at the end is pointless and stupid.  Seriously, you thought that was clever, didn't you?!?  The voice acting and CG effects make this film much better than it has any right to be.  I like the mixing of old and new here...to a point.  The fully-CG space battles clash a bit with the very dated-looking pen and paper art.  You could have animated it in full-CG and made it look hand-drawn, you know.  Look at Viewtiful Joe!  This movie could have been really great, but proves to be fun for a moment...but ultimately forgettable.  Old-school fans will either love or hate the changes.  As for me, I'm not a bigger fan of the series than I was before.  Sorry, I just don't care about it that much.  Still, you could do much worse with direct-to-video animation.

Up next, I take a look at a film so weird that I can barely even describe it.  Angus MacFayden, a sanitarium and Hitler- oh my!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Hydra

Another day, another monster movie with a poster that promises more than it can deliver.  This one features a more fantastical creature though...

That's...direct.  There's no question as to what the monster is or what it's intentions are.  Plus, it leaves to eat Photoshopped-in women.

As a side note, I love that the thing looks like a puppet even on its own poster!

Next up, we wrap up this mini-series with a rip-off of a famous poster.  Get out of the water!  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Species 2

Can a movie series be built around a fluke?  Species is a film that is not exactly the most highly-regarded amongst the sci-fi horror series' that include Alien, Predator and Xtro.  Okay, maybe not that last one so much.  The big appeal of the film series was obviously Natasha Henstridge and her breasts.  Call me crude, but it's the truth!  In spite of that, there are four films in this series- only two of which feature Henstridge in any real way.  Before the series went to Direct-to-Video, it had one more theatrical release in it's tank: Species 2.  Like every sequel should, this one ups the ante.  Like every sequel shouldn't but does, it creates a couple of plot inconsistencies.  They're not fully-formed into plot holes, but they're close.  Despite dying in the last film, Natasha is back for one last attempt to screw humanity into oblivion.  Like many films from this time (1997-2000), the plot involves astronauts going to mars.  Seriously, between Red Planet, Ghost of Mars and Mission To Mars, I was sick of the damn planet!  Here's another fun fact for you: the movie co-stars Peter Boyle and has the main alien guy named Boyle too!  Can Natasha's hot-self make the movie succeed yet again?  Get out your blood disease spray for my review of...

The film, like any good sci-fi film, begins in outer space.  We're sending a group of people to Mars in order to get soil samples.  Yes, that's worth the billions it would cost for the trip!  While out there, a weird fluid gets into one of the jars and manages to loose itself before the trip back begins.  Meanwhile, in an asylum, we see a man (Peter Boyle) yelling at the TV about how they shouldn't have gone to Mars.  Sure enough, the goo attacks the trio as the credits appear.  There is a time gap on the audio side, but the return goes smoothly after that.  On Earth, the astronauts are told not to have sex for 10 days as part of the decontamination process.  Is this a real rule or just a silly plot device?  Seriously, I want to know!  The lead guy named Boyle ignores that rule by making whoopee with a woman at a 'Welcome Home' party.  He continues this trend by 'hitting it' with a pair of sisters.  Unfortunately, this ends badly when the alien side of him comes loose and kills them.  That's always a mood killer!  Oddly, the guy seems barely aware of this and moves on.  In a lab, we meet up with our heroine (Marg Helgenberger) and a freaky-looking General.  Marg has made a half-human clone of Natasha Henstridge's alien character...for some reason.  Actually, it is to test her against the different kind of contaminants that might be able to kill the aliens, should they ever return.  Wow, you have good timing!
Things become more clear when the blood sample taken from Boyle turns into a CG effect and helps kill a scientist.  They figure that the three astronauts must be tainted by an alien spore, a fact helped out by a talk with Peter Boyle's former-scientist character.

Things become more clear when the blood sample taken from Boyle turns into a CG effect and helps kill a scientist.  They figure that the three astronauts must be tainted by an alien spore, a fact helped out by a talk with Peter Boyle's former-scientist character.  Unfortunately, our alien-stud's dad is a Senator and won't play ball.  To help bring in the alien menace, the government coerces a former hunter of them to join up: Michael Madsen's Press Lenox.  He agrees to do it when they offer him $1 million- my hero.  They find the lady astronaut as she's about to make sweet, sweet love to her man.  Unfortunately for her, an alien tendril pops out and kills him!  The film's heroes arrive too late to save him, but they do stop her from breeding.  Meanwhile, the film's villain is screwing everything with two legs!  Next in line is the black astronaut, who has just returned to his house boat with a primed-and-ready woman.  Our heroes 'cock-block' him by arresting him and testing his blood at the lab.  As it turns out, he's not infected...but he is still horny.  Thanks to the non-help of the dad and the man's anonymity- despite being a famous astronaut- the villain continues to screw, kill and breed- in that order.  The black astronaut does momentarily find the half-alien, just as he blows his head off with a shotgun...only for it to grow back.  Desperate, the General has Henstridge's clone bombarded with radiation to bring out her alien side.  She manages to link up with the half-alien man and aid in his capture, but it's all a trick.  You see, the two lovers have found each other and want to knock alien boots!

Despite all of the base's security, the half-alien man manages to get all the way to Henstridge's cell door, allowing them to psychically have foreplay- eww.  The creature escapes capture while Henstridge's Eve plans her own escape.  After a more thorough testing of the black astronaut's blood, they learn why he is immune- imperfect DNA.  He's a carrier for a disease and is thus immune, leading them to make a virus spray gun.  Eve makes her move in a slow-motion shot that takes time to show her panties- real classy.  Her plan is a bit flawed since the military men just follow her to her destination.  Speaking of which, the astronaut kills his dad and sets his dozen of kids into their cocoons to grow into adults.  The two alien-hybrids finally meet up, strip down (also in slow-motion) and 'do the intergalactic mambo.'  Instead of real sex, we see two freaky animatronic creatures humping each other, which is actually more disturbing.  The military and our heroes show up to destroy the aliens, finding the cocoons and instantly knowing what to do.  They make a point about having the black astronaut bring a machete...which he never uses.  The group battle the giant, male alien and get their asses kicked.  One random comment to Eve causes her to turn on the male...and get killed.  One impure blood slash of the machete- by Madsen- kills the alien in a matter of seconds.  We get the sequel bait ending to close it out though- big shock.

This movie...is alright.  It's not terrible, but it's not that good either.  The plot does a good job of upping the ante by giving us a second alien and planting (no pun intended) the seeds of an alien invasion.  Of course, to my knowledge, the series never got to that plot point.  I guess that makes this whole thing- entirely pointless.  The acting is, well, alright.  Nobody tries all that hard, save for Boyle.  Henstridge is here mostly to show off her breasts and to stare at windows.  Think I'm being sexist?  Check out her first scene where she's strapped onto a chair designed to make her breasts pop out of the sides!  It's like the DD-version of the Fifth Element outfit.  Helgenberger and Madsen are clearly just here for the money.  Hell, the supporting actors- including the woman who's nearly raped by the astronaut- try harder than these people!  As for the effects, they're all pretty good.  However, the bit where the guy's head regenerates is the most blatant use of CG since those flying objects from Warlock 2 (which was made years earlier)!  I should also mention that Peter Medak, a man who has done films like Changeling and The Washingtonians directs.  Why?  Seriously, why?  Anyhow, as a sequel, it does all the right things without trying too hard.  Is that enough for you?

Next up, a more recent Forgotten Sequel comes to us in the form of an '80s update.  Can this Heavy movie top it's Metal original?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Vertigo

For our second and final Hitchcock movie, let's take a look at something even more random.  This one- shockingly- comes from Poland and features one of his best thrillers- Vertigo...

That's...just...okay.  I mean, what is that supposed to mean?  Someone is planning to shoot a skull with a rifle?  Great- now I want to see this movie!

Up next, a monster movie sequel gets turned into something weird by a foreign movie artist.  Who's surprised?  Stay tuned...

Klaus Know Me?: Web of the Spider

Antonio Marghetti is a name that should be more famous than it is.  Known more in the States as Anthony Dawson, the director made over 50 films in his forty-plus year career.  Highlights include Yor- The Hunter From The Future, Cannibal Apocalypse, Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye and Castle of Blood.  The latter is important to speak for today's review.  Blood was made in 1964 and features a really, ingenious premise.  Famous author Edgar Allen Poe and a friend meet up with a man and make a bet with him: spend a night in this haunted house and you'll win some money.  Despite having it's only star be Barbara Steele (nothing to scoff at, mind you), the film is an amazing triumph in Gothic sensibilities.  Seriously, check it out- you'll love it.  For some reason, Antonio decided to remake his own movie a mere seven years later.  Why?  All we can figure is that Blood was made in lovely, monochromatic black & white and he wanted to make a color version.  Sure- why not?!?  There were some changes, however.  A new star was brought in- Tenebre's Anthony Franciosa- for the lead, Steele was out and an international star was brought in to play Poe.  Obviously, given the title of this segment, you can guess who- Klaus Kinski.  Yes, a German actor is playing an American writer in an Italian film.  Just wow.  Will his presence make this film a winner?  Get out your 1,000,000 candles for my review of...

Okay, truth time: this is almost the exact same movie.  They put in a new introductory sequence with Kinski wandering angrily around a room, but, otherwise, it's the same.  After ten minutes, Klaus and his non-mustache are gone from the film.  What follows is a dull exercise in repetition that even a good actor can't save- sorry Franciosa.  Klaus returns in the ending for the same, ironic finale to the film.  It has a low-resolution, pan-and-scan VHS print to boot.  Feh.

Man, this movie really sucks.  It's a shame too, since Castle of Blood is so great!  Everything about the movie is just lost in this pointless remake.  For example, a lot of the tone has to do with the great, moody atmosphere set in the dark, dreary castle.  In this movie, it's gaudy Technicolor that makes everything visible at all times.  This is especially noticeable in re-used dialogue referring to 'objects viewable by candlelight.'  News Flash: it's visible from space!  The acting is not all that bad, but, to be fair, this thing is dubbed.  Is Blue Underground too busy to get us a good quality, un-dubbed version?  Does Anchor Bay just have too many re-releases of The Evil Dead on its plate to get this movie released right?  Given the cast, the production quality and the director, this should be great.  Unfortunately, revisionist thinking, a bad transfer and poor pacing killed this experience for me.  I wanted to like you- I really did.  Much like free bread given to make up for late service, you're just too little too late.

Up next, Forgotten Sequels brings you a movie that comes all the way from Mars.  Can a movie involving sex, aliens and exploding heads be bad?  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Hellmaster

After so many shitty-looking VHS movies, I could do for a cheap rip-off to cleanse my palette.  What do you have for me, 1980s?

Wow, that's so...uninspiring.  You made a mix of Hellraiser and A Nightmare on Elm Street.  As a bonus, it stars John Saxon.  Well, it won't be all bad...

Next up, VHS For The Win celebrates the accomplishments of a future bounty hunter.  What do you mean it takes place 8 years ago?  Stay tuned...

Living Dead and Deader: Raiders of the Living Dead

Why can't I find a decent Living Dead movie these days?  In the 42 years since Night, you would think that someone would have done another good movie with that subtitle!  So far, I've gotten inner city zombies, socialite ghosts and German vampires.  Well, this is a late '80s zombie flick, so that has to be the winner, right?  Sadly, no.  All of this film's history would lead you to think that it's a camp classic, but it just doesn't deliver all that much.  Originally filmed as a straight zombie film called Dying Day, the movie couldn't be sold.  So, a new director came in and shot some footage.  Then he came in later and shot even more footage.  The result was a straight zombie film with a sub-plot involving a doctor and his grandchildren fighting zombies with a laser gun made out of a Laserdisc player.  No, really.  Maybe I'm just being too harsh here.  Will another look bring more luster to this film?  Get out your ticket to a Three Stooges flick for my review of...

Oddly, the movie begins with a truck full of chemicals driving down the road.  A man with an M-16 sneaks up behind the thing and takes it over.  Really?  You just have that strapped to your back in broad daylight, huh?  He drives it to a building nearby and take some hostages.  At least, I think so.  He drives there and then the movie explains that he has hostages- okay.  The police stall for a bit before going on, three of them being killed.  Finally, the man trips during his escape and gets electrocuted.  In what feels like a side story, a reporter goes to investigate a mysterious assignment.  He takes a lady along with him...then makes her stay in the car.  He sneaks in...but suddenly dives through a window.  He explains that there are zombies loose, so they need to get away.  Naturally, the car won't start.  They sneak away, but the woman gets killed and the man gets knocked out.  So, the zombies didn't kill him, huh?  He wanders down the road for a bit before being picked up by a woman.  She's nice and friendly, so she's obviously our new heroine.  So long, dead girl whose name escapes me!  In a bit of footage added in the two re-shoots, we see an old man give his Laserdisc player to his grandson to fix.  Naturally, the kid uses it to make a laser gun.  Wait, what?

In the film's main plot, the journalist tries to find the source behind all of the zombies.  Instead of focusing on that, however, he goes on a date with the woman to see a Three Stooges movie.  Don't worry- the living dead can wait!  Oh yeah, this movie is also entirely-blue...for some reason.  Meanwhile, the super-smart kid meets up with his sister after inadvertently killing his pet hamster with the laser.  He tests it again, using it to shoot at some bullies who randomly drive up alongside his sister and harass her.  Damn you, random teens who commit acts for no clear reason!  Back in the plot, our hero looks into the only piece of evidence he has: the name of the zombie's uniform.  He goes to see a woman at the library for information, who turns out to be a fount of exposition.  Considering he was going to use microfiche seconds before this happens, it seems random.  She tells him that the company name is one that has been around for a long time and shouldn't be looked into.  When he returns to his temporary home, zombies have killed the B&B owner and he narrowly escapes with his life.  Good thing you went gun-shopping, huh?  Now considered a suspect for murder, he does the only natural thing: go to see a second Three Stooges film.  No, really.

Unfortunately, all of those movies build up to a goofy, '80s film fall apart in the end.  Our reporter follows a medical lead and ends up finding a doctor to help him.  That doctor turns out to be the grandfather of the two kids.  On top of that, the criminal from earlier ends up as a lackey for the man behind the zombie outbreak.  It all boils down to a night-time showdown between the zombies and our heroes- including the two kids with their laser guns.  This is nearly-impossible follow due to confusing editing, slow pacing and the entire thing being shot as day-for-night.  Seriously, this is the thing that kills so many movies!  We learn that a minor character from earlier (the coroner from the B&B crime scene) is the man behind the whole affair.  Wow, that feels forced.  Even with all of their armaments, things turn against our heroes.  Thankfully, our journalist friend borrows one of the kids' laser guns and just kills all of the zombies.  Anti-climactic, much?  The End.

This movie...really sucks.  I really thought that this would be a campy bit of fun (at worst)- it's not.  The story is formulaic to a fault.  Zombies are loose due to some evil doctor- so what?  The zombies are alright, but do nothing to stand out.  They don't run, they don't look really gross and they don't prove all that hard to kill.  Hell, without the plot thread setting up the fact that they are zombies, they could just be lethargic people with Polio crutches!  Given the tumultuous history of the film- it was shot three times to get this result- you would expect a fun mess.  The actual result- a decent film that is fairly-easy to follow.  The stuff with the kids feels forced, but it's nothing compared to such campy films as Shaolin Dolemite (a real movie) or Kung Pow: Enter the Fist.  If they had tried to make the thing silly and ridiculous, it could be an easy recommendation.  Sadly, this film is just dull as dishwater.  You didn't make a good zombie film or a funny one.  Sorry, but there's a reason why you're an obscure film that got no press.

Up next, Klaus Kinski returns in a nearly-forgotten Italian remake.  My love for his work may be spoken of 'never more.'  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Pirates II- Stagnetti's Revenge

I should probably explain what's going on here or nothing will make sense.  In 2005, my hometown of St. Petersburg, Florida (direct hate-mail there, thank you) got great news: a movie was being shot in our harbor.  Sadly, this turned out to be a porno film called Pirates.  Boy, did we have egg on our faces (as opposed to something else)!  The movie actually had a big (for porn) budget and features a semi-coherent, adventure story.  After winning 11 (porn) awards, an R-Rated cut was made and released.  In 2008, they made a sequel.  Guess what- Netflix carries it!  Hell, you can find it in a Blockbuster next to Pirates of Treasure Island (The Asylum's Pirates movie)!  The sequel is...also cut down to an R-Rated movie.  Is it worth a look?  Considering I already watched the movie over a week ago, I sure hope so!  Here's all you need to know: our hero (Evan Stone) has returned home after killing the evil Stagnetti.  All set?  Good.  Get out your Viagra for my review of...

Our lovely story begins with a group of pirates attacking a ship.  Wow, I never would have called that!  The villains- led by an Asian hottie- kill most of the men on board before stealing a big, CG orb.  Great- now you've gotten Saruman's attention!  Cut to our crew of pirate hunters riding back to the mainland after defeating the evil Stagnetti.  Yes, by all means make your sequel set right after the last one, despite making it three years later.  Our hero (Stone) is a pompous jerk who likes to pose and tell his life's story to his British-Guy-cliche of a second-in-command.  In a joke that gets pounded (no pun intended) into the ground, he brags about his victory, despite his Asian cannon-worker firing the finishing shots.  He makes a point about he should get credit as the Captain...which actually makes sense.  I know that it's played for laughs (supposedly), but he does have a point!  One of Stagnetti's crew turned on him to join the crew, but she's still got a pirate history.  At the mainland, they talk to the Mayor (after his edited-out sex scene) and he...hits on both Stone and his lady partner.  Um, okay.  He sends them off on a mission to find the pirates from the introduction before making clear that they won't pardon the woman.  Him and his lady have to go undercover though, which will make many hijinks ensue...allegedly.

After a pointless sex scene between our heroine and a brunette...which isn't shown (see above), the blond gets captured and put under a spell...of some sort.  Our hero, meanwhile, runs across a slave trade going on and buys a French wench.  After some lead-in, that sex scene actually occurs in my R-Rated cut.  Wow, that was actually unexpected at this point!  The after-glow is ruined by the arrival of his entranced second-in-command and gets captured.  He is sent to fight in a gladiatorial arena against a guy...only to learn that the real villain is an obviously-CG worm creature.  Thankfully, the bi-curious brunette from earlier leaps out, turns into a Playstation 2 character and the kills the beast, somehow turning back to normal when she hits the ground.  They escape to track down the woman pirate.  Meanwhile, the evil pirates go out to the site of the last film's finale and drop the orb into the water, somehow exposing an underwater city and Stagnetti's body.  Stealing a bit from The Mummy, he sucks out a lackey's life force and returns to life.  Gee, it's only been an hour!  Why is your name in the title again?

As the movie enters the third and final act, it...is about the same.  We get more stupid jokes, more silly action and more edited-out sex scenes.  Stagnetti and his lady use our heroine for a threesome...for some reason as they head towards land.  On land, a secondary character from Pirates marries the cannon-operator's sister and arrives to help out.  After the pair take out a ship full of skeletons, Stagnetti uses his magic, deus ex machina staff to summon a giant water...um, larvae.  They take that out as well, leading to a fight between our brunette heroine and the entranced blond.  This lasts all of fifteen seconds before they are stuck under a beam and Stagnetti arrives to gloat.  Stone shows up to save the day with his sword.  His actual sword, you perverts!  The villain is vanquished and our blond heroine finds time for a threesome with the secondary character and his Asian bride (also not shown).  Without even a wipe, we get to our ending scene, which sets up Pirates 3: Stagnetti Is Back...For Real This Time!  No, really.

This movie...is really strange and pointless.  The film is a soft-core porn film that has nearly all of the porn cut out of it.  I mean, really?!?  When all of the dirty stuff is cut out, you're left with a fairly un-funny comedy with a cookie-cutter plot.  Of course, they don't cut out all of the set-up scenes...which is odd.  Seriously, this movie sets up threesomes at least four or five times (always two girls and one guy) and just cut.  By the way, I should point out that two of the scenes are not cut out.  After three or four scenes, I was surprised when a sex scene actually occurred!  After the two of them occur, every other one is cut off!  I like to picture the producers arguing before the MPAA in regards to how much nudity/sex they could have.  Maybe they wanted four scenes, but finally had to agree to only two.  In the movie's defense, there is a decent CG budget.  In contrast, however, the CG looks like shit when any actor appears on screen with it.  The high point: when Stagnetti chokes a guy, turning him into a skeleton.  Right before he fully transforms, you see the hand still in place over the neck that's not there anymore!  That's actually a good metaphor for the film itself.  It could be so much more than it is, but the opportunity is just choked away.  Either make a porn film or don't!  Seriously- what's the point?!?

Up next, the Living Dead theme comes back with a weird '80s movie.  Can little kids with lasers stop a zombie outbreak?  Stay tuned...