VHS For The Win: Deadly Dreams

A vague and scary title can cover for a lot of shit.  Some moves like 'Blood Freak' don't tell you what kind of monster to expect- just that it's freaky and likes blood.  This air of mystery can be ruined, however, by some shitty box-art...

Okay- what is that?!?  It's a fox-headed man with a shotgun?  Or is it a human-bodied fox?  What is this?  Why does this thing have a gun?  Answer me!

Up next, a movie that was weird for its time proves to be even weirder now.  Stay tuned...

WTF Korea?!?: Tidal Wave

Roland Emmerich loves to destroy the world.  I don't know why, but the man has a fetish for it.  Maybe he was bullied by famous American landmarks as a kid.  Many people have referred to him as the modern-day Irwin Allen, which is sort of a compliment and sort of not.  On one hand, Allen is responsible for making the 'Disaster Film' successful in the '70s with films like The Poseidon Adventure and The Towering Inferno.  On the other hand, he's also responsible for over-saturating the market with films like Beyond the Poseidon Adventure and The Swarm.  Yeah, they made a sequel to the film about the boat flipping over- why not?!?  The point of all this is to set-up for today's movie, a South Korean attempt to emulate Mr. Emmerich's style.  The disaster is there, the overly-broad characters are there & bad melodrama is there.  Don't get me wrong- there is a certain appeal to an Emmerich film...but this film did not get any of that.  At two hours, this film has probably the most uneven pacing of all time.  Put on your water wings for my review of...

The film begins right away with a tiny boat sitting out in the middle of a tsunami.  We're ripping off The Perfect Storm from the get-go, huh?  Despite the Captain being crushed by a crab cage...somehow, the youngest member of the crew is insisting that the helicopter crew free him too.  With a wave pressing down on them, he makes his good-bye soliloquy, the helicopter leaves and an improbable mountain of water crushes the boat.  Fun fact: this movie exploits the real tsunami that struck Asia about five years ago for pathos.  Real classy, guys.  You didn't find time to work in the Challenger Explosion or 9/11 while you were at it?  The film sets up an unnecessarily large cast of characters her much like 2012, but we know that most of them are going to die.  Among the group we have some tourists, a scientist, a business woman (who's also the man's ex-wife), the older fisherman, the dead fisherman's daughter, his friends, his family and so on.  What follows is about an hour straight of melodrama (why is my dad dead?  why does my boyfriend get drunk all the time?  etc.) and really-forced comedy (the tourist fighting her rescuer, the fisherman getting drunk at a ballgame, etc).  In fact, it's painfully uneven with only a minor amount of time set aside to foreshadow the disaster.  Allow me to replicate the experience for you...

 

Oh right, there's supposed to be a disaster here....

Right about 70 minutes, we get the extended disaster scene. Everyone is affected and a lot of people die. The fisherman couple are stuck in the street as bodies wash by them. At one point, they climb up to avoid a falling power line killing hundreds. Later, the man floats away, only to be saved by his uncle...who has smashed by a floating sign. The divorced couple's feud over their kid (the one she's lied about) ends when she escapes a flooded elevator and gets on the roof, only for a giant wave to somehow smash that. The tourists are stuck out on a boat during the wave & are rescued by the man from before. As he's pulling the last man up, the rope gets torn and he chooses to save the other man over himself. He dies from the next wave, which has oddly comic timing. Speaking of comic, the film's mostly-comedic character is on a washed out bridge...only to have shipping containers fall towards him from an improbably-crashed boat. After that, he drops a match and blows up the bridge...but not himself.  Eventually, the water washes away and everything settles down.  Happy ending, right?  Wrong!

This movie is royally screwed up!  Let's look at this at face value: it's a disaster movie that's roughly 70% character set-up at the beginning and 30% disaster at the end.  Is there no way to balance that?  As much as I find Emmerich's work underwhelming at times, he at least manages a balance.  Mind you, his way is to stick melodrama into the middle of the action, which is not exactly perfect either.  Consider this: the day after I watched this, I saw Mimic 3.  The entire film was 75 minutes long- with credits.  This film spends about the same amount of time setting up to the thing that's in its title!  For fairness' sake, I should mention that Tidal Wave is the DVD release title and the film's actual title is the name of the city in which it occurs.  Even so, this movie is seriously screwed up.  I'm all for seeing foreign interpretations of American works, just as I am to seeing American interpretations of foreign works, just to a lesser extent.  Still, this is the kind of thing that can scare people away from the whole thing.  Why would someone make a disaster film that has a comedic character causing a giant explosion in it?  Why would someone make a disaster film that drags its feet so much?  I should stop and mention that the special effects are pretty darn good here, although it has the same problem with making CG water look real that a lot of films do.  I say all of that even though the film is a big-budget film from 2009- we should expect that.  I bipolar film plot involving loads of melodrama and shitty comedy- I should not expect that!

Next up, I cover a movie that holds a special place in my heart.  It's shit, but it stars an actual relative of mine- seriously!  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Death Racers

There's no way that this was going to be good- plain and simple.  Let's look at the facts, shall we?  First off, this is a film by The Asylum.  Right there, the odds are against this film.  Second, this film is a knock-off of Death Race, which is a remake of a questionable cult classic.  Don't get me wrong- I love Deathrace 2000, but it is very, very dumb.  Third, let's look at  a comparison of the main villains: Academy Award-nominated Joan Allen vs. Raven.  Who's Raven, you probably ask?  He's a pro-wrestler that got big in ECW, but has also had brief stints (usually no more than two years) in WCW, WWF/E and TNA, not to mention numerous Indy feds over the years.  The highpoint of his career was a year-long feud with The Sandman (not the Marvel villain) in ECW...back in about 1995.  Lastly- and I mean that quite literally- there are the big attractions: the Insane Clown Posse.  Yeah, these no-talent hacks are the main stars of this picture and, naturally, do the soundtrack as well.  If you aren't too scared, check out my review of...

The film begins by setting up the scenario: the world has gone to shit and the government has a problem named Reaper.  Mr. Reaper (Raven) is a terrorist who wants to fight against the establishment.  His plan: blow everything to hell with Sarin gas.  Yeah, he's not the good guy.  To get him, the government establishes the Death Race.  This movie takes a couple of liberties with the property, obviously.  This race is not so much of a race and is more about points.  How do you get points?  It's simple- you kill people.  Our group of racers includes Homeland Security (a pair of jerks in fatigues), a pair of Hispanic racers, two hot lesbians and, of course, the Insane Clown Posse.  Do they play anyone but themselves?  Hell no!  The President explains that they must get 1,000 points to win their freedom & if they refuse to cooperate, he'll just activate some detonators that got inserted into their necks.  Remember the two Hispanic racers?  Well, one of them gets his head blown up in his first scene- big whoop.  The group departs and begins to run down a bunch of random guys.  It's here that we learn that this movie has almost no budget for car wrecks, so we don't get any.  Can you say 'lame,' boys and girls?

On top of not wrecking the cars, having any real explosions to speak of and the shitty acting, one more kicker is there.  About half of the time, the racers stop driving, get out of their cars and fight people.  Are you seriously giving me kung-fu fighting and stationary shooting in a film based on Deathrace 2000?!?  On top of that, it's about as bad as everything else on display here.  The movie eventually sets up a couple of interesting ideas, including a love triangle between the two lesbians and the hispanic guy (just go with it) and a snitch in Reaper's territory.  Of course, the latter is done in two scenes and the character is subsequently-killed off.  At least it gave us a few 'handy-cam' scenes showing Reaper's plans.  Speaking of Reaper, let's discuss him a bit.  His obsession is with getting a massive bomb filled with Sarin gas made.  That's pretty much it.  We cut back to him yelling at a scientist about not getting the thing strong enough and back to the story.  That's immensely-pointless, thanks.  Homeland Security gets blown up, but it's only to set-up for a really lame finale.  By the way, this movie has a cyborg in it.  I know what you're wondering- does he have a robot wang?  Well, this movie will answer your query soon enough...

I know what you're thinking- this movie can't get any worse.  Wrong!  The group makes their way into the 'Red Zone' (thanks for the hockey pun) and near Reaper.  They kill a bunch of people, take time to splice in some nudity and more stupid crap.  In one odd scene, the Hispanic guy beats up an owner, gets captured by him and is later freed by rebels.  What did that accomplish?  Jack shit.  Speaking of pointless, how about the bit where the Posse meet up with some women, they turn out to be evil hookers and the women get killed?  Equally as pointless- thank you very much.  We get a silly battle between our heroes and the cyborg guy, which ends inconclusively.  Later on, the creature captures the blond lesbian and puts his robot member to use.  The Hispanic guy and the brunette lesbian finally stop making out, save her and chop off it's 'dongle.'  After this, the lesbians reunite, slash up the guy, but the blond one ends up being killed.  Wow, now you're alone, honey.  Don't worry- she dies abruptly in the next scene when she follows the Posse.  My brain shut down around this time, so all I can tell you is that the fat Clown fights Raven, Homeland Security turns out to be alive and everything blows up.  On the plus side, we get to see the other Clown's head blow up.  Sigh.

Do I need to say this?  Okay, fine- I will.  This movie is stupid!  It's The Asylum rip-off of Death Race starring the Insane Clown Posse!  Why does this exist?  Why did I make myself watch this?  Is there someone just to my left with a gun to my head?  To roughly quote Roger Ebert: "I wasn't feeling lucky the day I saw Death Racers and you know what?  By golly, by the time it was over, I was feeling kind of tired of renting movies.'  Let's give the Devil his due for a moment though.  This movie has a simple premise, promises some unique action and has film stars you don't usually see.  Of course, in reality, the premise makes no sense, the action is lame and their 'stars' suck!  Let's be honest: this movie is too cheap to have real car crashes, bullets or explosions on screen.  This crap is just stupid and hurts me.  Maybe I'm too negative here.  Oh wait, this is an Asylum rip-off of Death Race that stars the Insane Clown Posse.  Fun fact: this movie uses stock shots of the ruined city from Monster (aka Tokyo).  Repetition of stupidity?  Aargh!

Up next, did you think that America had a stranglehold on shitty disaster movies?  Wrong.  This South Korean film proves that.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Trilogy of Terror II

The original Trilogy of Terror is a pretty well-respected horror anthology film from the 1975 starring Karen Black.  Trilogy of Terror II is a fairly-obscure horror anthology film made for television in 1996 starring Lysette Anthony.  

The whole 'sequel' aspect of the film is a bit vague, since all of the original film's stories ended badly, not exactly setting up a 'what has happened since' atmosphere.  What is this movie really?  It's a trilogy of horror tales that are unrelated, save for sharing the same actress in all three.  As a bonus, the last story brings back the Zuni Doll from the first film for another round of murder.  

One of the tales- the middle one called 'Bobby'- is based on a Richard Matheson short story, which is a nice touch too.  

Besides the title and the vaguely-similar formula, is this really a sequel?  No.  Is it good?  Find out in my review of...

The first tale is called 'The Graveyard Rats.'  Holy Bob Geldof, Batman!  The film begins with a jerk of an old man taunting his current-wife by showing her a sex tape of her and another guy.  He taunts her some more by saying that he will cut her out of his will if she cheats again & he'll release the tape if she leaves him.  Naturally, she leaves him and goes right to her man (Geraint Wyn Davies).  You're not bright, are you honey?  

He comes up with the idea of killing the man, which makes her nervous.  Look for that to change though.  Their scheme is a bit dramatic, but it works.  They go out to the country to bury him, although they run into the undertaker (not the wrestler) who warns them about the presence of rats near the crypt designated for burial.  They ignore him and do it anyways.  

The next day, the woman learns that the company's assets have been liquidated & all of the money is in a series of Swiss bank accounts.  The problem: the codes are hidden.  The duo figure that they must be hidden in the man's watch, so they go to dig him up.  They find the undertaker trying to rob the grave, so they kill him.  When they find the codes, the woman kills Davies.  The body gets dragged away by some rat puppets...er, I mean rats and she fights back.  

After a struggle, she flees through the tunnel, but ends up in the wrong grave.  Sucks to be you.

The second tale is named 'Bobby' and is hopefully less depressing than Bobby's World!  Anyhow, this involves a woman (Lysette Anthony in a bad wig) putting up a pentagram and bringing her dead son back to life.  Oddly, she's in her ocean-side house all alone, despite referencing a husband later.  

The kid comes back and, at first, takes the whole thing in stride.  He begins to ask questions, however, and decides that he wants to play Hide & Seek.  This turns dark when he throws a block at the mother & starts to talk all evil and such.  It comes across as a bit silly since the kid can't act that well, but I'll give them points for trying.  

There is a pretty interesting bit where he pretends to be the husband while on the phone.  He chases her around for a bit, smashes some stuff up and continues to talk all evil.  Eventually, he corners her, and she shoots him.  She feels bad about it but feels even worse when he shoves her down the stairs.  

By the way, we're two-for-two on people being shoved downstairs in these tales.  He explains that Billy didn't come back but sent him instead.  We get a freaky monster mask shot and the tale ends.  Poor Ms. Anthony.

The final tale involves the return of the Zuni Fetish Doll, which makes for some awkward credits involving a story credit for the first film, a character credit and a new writer.  The doll was found at the scene of a double murder and was brought to a lab to be studied.  Oddly, they bring it to a history museum instead of, you know, a police lab.  

After the woman scientist (Lysette, of course) scrapes a bunch of the ashes off, she leaves the room to go have pizza with the two guards.  Nice shout-out to Dark Shadows with one of the guards reading a comic book of it, by the way.  When she comes back, the doll is missing and the scientist suspects that it's the same killer from the first scene that took it.  Well, she's partly-right.  The one guard stalks the creature and, because we got a minor bit of pathos set-up, has the longest build up to death.  Eventually, the Doll bites the hand off of an Indian statue, causing it to fire the nocked bow on the display.  That's Final Destination territory, movie!  

It kills the other guard off-camera and chases our heroine around.  Despite being an efficient killer, it just stabs her a lot and doesn't kill her.  

This goes on for roughly ten minutes before she dunks it in some conveniently placed acid.  She goes to check on it...for some reason and gets possessed by it...or something.  

Either way, she has razor teeth and kills a guy.  The End.

This is much better than I thought it would be, honestly.  Mind you, I thought that it would be a really lame cash-in film that featured tired clichés and no scares.  While there are some clichés, the whole thing works pretty well.  

It would have been nice to have some sort of framing device, but I guess that's too much to ask.  I do have to ask why they would have the second tale, given that it is the same story as Sometimes...They Come Back.  Mind you, it's based on a Matheson tale, but the film was much more recent to this one's release.  The first tale is also pretty similar to George A. Romero's tale from Two Evil Eyes, a film made six years earlier.  The final part is a nice bit of fan service to the first film, even if it is a bit silly.  

The effects work in the film is decent, although the rat puppets are a bit obvious.  If you're not the biggest horror fan in the world or as jaded as I am, a lot of these decent tales will seem quite impressive.  For long-time horror fans, this is good, but will not replace the original to any of you. 

 If you can find it somewhere cheap, I'd actually recommend it.  Just don't go too far out of your way.

Up next, Blockbuster Trash brings you another Asylum film.  Well, at least this doesn't star shitty rappers...oh crap!  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Fright Night Part 2

It's amazing how little success can actually do for a series' success.  In 1985, this quirky horror film starring Roddy McDowall opened big and proved to be the second-highest grossing horror film of the year (just behind a Nighmare on Elm Street 2).  Naturally, when the sequel came out three years, the movie got roughly 1/10th of the theatrical release and failed to make the same profit.  Here's some math for you: 1,500 theaters and $24 million vs. 150 theaters and $2 million.  Did the audience change so much in the three year gap or did the studio doom it from the start?  Consider for comparison the grosses of Elm Street 2 and Elm Street 4 (which opened against this film): $29 million vs. $49 million.  Clearly the market was strong, so that can't be it.  Is it the fact that the original director (Tom Holland) was replaced by Tommy Lee Wallace for this film?  Considering, Holland directed Child's Play in 1988 and that made about $50 million as well.  What had Wallace done earlier, you ask?  A nice little film called Halloween III: Season of the Witch.  Then again, maybe the movie itself is to blame?  Let's find out in my review of...

The film begins with a pretty quick recap of the first film.  In case you missed it, a kid sees vampires, befriends Roddy McDowall and kills said vampires.  In the ensuing time, the state believed the deaths in the last film to actually be that of a serial killer, a fact aided by vampires' bodies always disintegrate.  Our hero is being put through therapy in order to convince him that everything he saw was not real & that vampires don't exist.  Given the scene where he tosses out all of his vampire-killing gear, I guess it worked.  He's still friends with McDowall's character, who is a television host named Peter Vincent.  His show- Fright Night- is not doing too well these days, something not aided by his insistence to keep going off-script.  He meets up with our hero and his new girlfriend, talking about vampires and just generally making things awkward.  Our hero is having some other problems as well, as his sense of closure about the whole 'vampire' thing begins to waver.  For one thing, he sees suspicious people and activities all around him.  Of course, as a viewer, we know that what he is seeing is true, as we are greeted by the sight of the vampire clan in the area.  There's a mysterious woman, a Prince-looking guy, a guy who looks like Kevin J. O'Connor and that alien clone guy from The X-Files.  Ooh, scary!

Things don't get any better for our hero as he begins to have some very vivid dreams about being visited by a vampire woman.  Never mind the fact you wake up with a cut on your neck every night, guy!  On a side note, his girlfriend never really senses the impending problem here either.  In her defense, she is distracted by her boyfriend's frequently-flaky behavior since it keeps her from going on dates with her.  One of these incidents involves him running late for a date and discovering that his roommate is going out on a date with the weird vampire lady from his dreams.  He pulls McDowall along for the ride to rescue him...only to discover that it is a party full of crazy people, but no vampires.  Despite seeing his friend get bitten, the man has no wounds, so our hero leaves- but only after getting another vampiric seduction scene.  McDowall hangs around a little bit longer & discovers that Prince-looking guy and the lead vampire woman are...well, vampires.  He flees, but the woman uses her Jason-style teleportation powers (it's supposed to be super-speed, I know) to stay ahead of him.  She explains that she is the sister of the lead vampire from the last film and will get revenge on our heroes.  The revenge for the young man, however, will be unique.

As it turns out, the woman's plan is interesting...but a little off when it comes to vampire rules.  She is turning him into a vampire by scratching his neck each time with her tooth, but not biting him.  They do a variation of this in Dracula II, but it still fails to have an exchange of fluids.  Around this time, O'Connor vampire attacks the pair, making our heroine finally believe her beau.  Her revenge for McDowall: taking his show and 'forcing' him to attack her on the air, which, in conjunction with his vampire talk, gets him locked up.  The girlfriend and the psychiatrist go to set him free, but the guy reveals himself to be vampire and attacks her.  When was he turned?  They don't exactly say.  She stakes him, but doesn't do it hard enough, forcing him to finish the job.  She breaks him out and the pair go off to rescue our hero from being officially turned, so that he'll live forever as a torture victim.  They load up with lots of gear, including a Catholic shawl, a tank full of holy water and a mini-stake gun.  They get inside, but get attacked by the O'Connor vampire.  He looks cool, but gets shot and dies within seconds.  The trio is caught, but true love turns our hero good and he causes alien clone guy to get scratched to death, as well as burning Prince-like vampire in the shawl.  The villainess flees via her elevator, so our heroes follow.  They corner her, causing her to try and turn the guy one more time.  He resists and allows McDowall to redirect some sunlight to her and burn her.  The film ends with the young couple making out.  Aw.

This movie is actually good, but is not for everyone.  The tone switches between comedy and horror at seemingly-random moments, something that the original handled better.  For example, the vampire gang kills some people and follows this up with bowling-related comedy.  Sure- why not?  The acting is somewhat good, but only from those you expect it to be.  The whole thing relies on you accepting these weird characters and their quirks.  One vampire wants to seduce the film's heroine before killing her, while another one only gets his blood from bugs.  There's also the whole thing with the villainess being a performance artist, which is just kind of odd.  Maybe it's like Animal House & they just worked in a real 'skill' she had to appease her.  How the network plans to replace McDowall with an oddly-dancing woman is anyone's guess though.  Like most films that have become obscure and hard to find, it's not quite as neat as you would think.  It's good and manages to entertain, even if it's never sure what it wants to be.  In spite of all this, we have a wealth of great reaction shots from the late, great Roddy McDowall...

Next up, we close Forgotten Sequel Week up with a made-for-television sequel to a horror gem.  Is a 21-year delay good for a series?  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Seed People

There's a certain art to movie posters.  You show a little bit of the content- enough to lure people in- and leave some mystery about it.  Of course, Full Moon doesn't understand that...

Wow, those are interesting-looking monsters.  I guess there's no mystery about what the titular monsters are, huh? 

Besides, this is a Full Moon film- there's no way that they'll look as good as the poster.  I guess this can count as my review now.

Next up, a film that shows you a crazy and graphic effects shot...on the poster!  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Howling III- The Marsupials

The Howling is a great movie and deserves more praise than it really gets.  The Howling 2-7 are generally just bad.  With an apparent 8th film in the works, I have to wonder if that trend will change.  I'm just going to go ahead and guess 'no,' just to be on the safe side.  Let's focus less on the future and more on the past.  The year: 1987.  An Aussie named Phillipe Moira is responsible for a film version of the third book in 'The Howling' book trilogy.  Seriously, did you know that there were books about this shit?  Mind you, almost nothing in the books shows up on screen, but you get my point.  In spite of using the title (but not the subtitle 'Echoes') and listing it as being based off of the book, The Howling III: The Marsupials is a completely-unique tale.  Of course, by 'completely-unique,' I mean 'utter shit.'  How bad is this movie?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a bunch of out-of-context scenes that appear to explain nothing.  An Inuit guy is killed by a camera, a person in the jungle is stalked by a camera and a bunch of villagers pose in front of a hairy body.  No, not Robin Williams!  Apparently, this all has to do with reports of werewolves showing up in Russia, something that is monitored by the NSA.  Ha ha- they think that it's code for something!  That's so...stupid.  The footage of the villagers is apparently from Australia in 1905 and they killed a werewolf.  This is shown in a class taught by a man who is apparently the grandson of the man who shot the footage, shortly before disappearing.  He makes sure to mention how the wolf 'mask' looks very realistic, something that just makes me laugh.  Maybe that word means something else in Australia!  He gets called about the weird reports picked up by the NSA and meets up with the President...who's played by the same guy who was the President in The Return of Captain Invincible.  In another weird and pointless thing, they acknowledge the camera for this one scene- apparently  the character is filming everything- and never again.  Um, huh?  We cut from this to meet our heroine, a woman who flees her village home of Flow (spell it backwards) because 'my step-dad tried to rape me and he's a werewolf.'  She ends up in Sydney and gets hired as an actress in Shape Shifters, Part 8.  I would have just stayed home, honey.

Things get weird in a hurry here and never really find time to stop.  In a matter of minutes (maybe a day in story), she falls in love with the lead guy, goes to see a shitty werewolf film with him (ha ha) and has sex with him.  He ogles her while she sleeps and she has a freaky nightmare about an alien-thing bursting out of her chest.  Meanwhile, a trio of werewolves from Flow follow her dressed as nuns...for some reason.  She wraps up shooting the film, but starts to transform at the party when the strobe lights get too much.  She ends up in the hospital after running into a car, whereupon she is discovered to be a werewolf and studied by some scientists, including the man from before.  The were-nuns free her and take her home to have her weird, werewolf baby.  The young woman escapes again and meets up with her beau, who is out with the police trying to find more of the creatures.  In a surprisingly-easy manner, Flow's residents are captured and taken for study.  As it turns out, they claim to be related to the now-extinct Tasmanian Tiger and don't follow the usual werewolf rules.  Strobe lights trigger the transformation- why?- & they are part wolf and part marsupial.  How?  Why?  Who knows?  As a bonus, a fleeing Russian ballerina shows up in Australia, turns into a werewolf and is also captured.  Why not?

It only manages to get weirder as the lead scientist is told that the creatures must be destroyed, something that was also decided in the 1880's by President Harrison and the Catholic Church.  In an easy fashion, he breaks out the two key lycanthropes and disappears into the jungle.  A group of hunters go out there to kill them, so the weird Aborigine priest summons the power of the Tiger's spirit, kills the men in werewolf form & then dies...for some reason.  Some conflict occurs as the lead marsupial-lycanthrope doesn't like the young guy with our heroine, so he wanders off.  He does the same ceremony, turns into a giant werewolf and is blown up within seconds.  Fun fact: RPG explosions look just like fireworks.  His former beau gets over his dramatic death quickly and hooks up with the scientist, proceeding to hide out in the bush with him and the other couple.  All of a sudden, the movie gets time-jump happy and starts playing with time more than all of Pulp Fiction!  After several years (without a card showing how long), the young couple go back to the world, eventually becoming a director and a model.  Several more years go by (also without a card) before the scientist's old friend tells him that it's safe to go home.  At the Australian equivalent to the Oscars, Dame Edna(!) gives an award to the werewolf actress, but the strobe lights cause her to transform.  The End. 

There are many words to describe this movie.  First off, there's 'bad,' something that goes for its plot, special effects and attempts at humor.  Having The President ask if the Shroud of Turin is a 'God-damned Polaroid of Jesus Christ'- not really funny.  Second word: weird.  There's just something off about Australian humor, something I figured out a few years ago when I first saw The Return of Captain Invincible.  The jokes are bizarre, come at seemingly-random points and just generally make no sense.  The third word: random.  Seriously, so much in this movie is just there and never explained.  Werewolves are descended from a man who committed bestiality and watched over by the spirit of a Tasmanian Tiger?  Sure.  These werewolves can be killed with normal bullets?  Okay.  The burned-skeleton of the Aborigine priest comes back as a werewolf skeleton?  Why the hell not?!?  The whole thing is just freaking weird, makes no sense and can't decide what kind of movie it wants to be.  On the plus side, it doesn't have Christopher Lee palling around with Reb Brown.  Man, I have low standards!

Up next, the rare and out-of-print sequel to an '80s horror gem.  Will it live up to its predecessor?  Stay tuned...

Lost and Found: King Kong Appears in Edo

After reading a lot about this subject online, I thought that it would be interesting to do a series of features on famous lost films, whether or not they were discovered & what their significance is.  

Let's begin with one of the most rare and controversial ones out there...

The Story

This film was supposedly made and released in 1938.  The film is a knock-off of King Kong & is dated in many ways.  

For example, it's title confusion come Tokyo.springs from the fact that the city of Edo would eventually be called Tokyo.  This does add an air of reliability to the story behind this film.  

It's also notable for allegedly being made a good 16 years before Gojira was.

Was It Discovered?

Sadly, no.  

The film has been lost for the last sixty-plus years.  Why?  

Some people blame it on poor print maintenance, while others just figure that it was lost in the bombings of Japan during WWII.  Apparently, a good 90% of them have been lost due to that.  

I suppose that is not too surprising, huh?  You can't make a bombing omelet without destroying a few hundred movie prints, after all.  

All we have to go by is a magazine advertising the film (seen above) and interview from a man who claims to have worked on it.

Significance

If this film is/was the real deal, it proves that Japan was really ahead of the curve.  

While we were still playing with clay-mation and stop-motion effects, they were trying to create the art of Kaiju.  

It also represents one of the earliest works of what many internet writers call 'Remake-sploitation.'  It's also a very early example of a foreign remake of an American film being made.  

I would really like to see this, wouldn't you?

Next up, an Ed Wood film gets lost for years and gets rediscovered...twice.  How does that happen?  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Turbulence 3- Heavy Metal

After all of this time, it's time to finally bid au dieu to the Turbulence series.  

What exactly did it accomplish?  

Well, the first film rejuvenated Ray Liotta's career for a while and helped make Lauren Holly into a serious actress.  The second film proved that Jennifer Beals could continue to make sub-par stuff long after her brightest days were over.  

What do we get out of this film?  

Well, for one thing, we get Craig Sheffer proving that you can be in two films in a series, play a different part and have nobody call you on it.  

Seriously, he is in Turbulence 2 and 3, but not as the same guy!  

Thankfully, they killed him off in Dracula II, lest he try to show up in Dracula III as well.  

The plot is ludicrous, stupid and unique.  Basically, we get a bit of drama in the sky, but with a rock & roll star, Satanists and that guy from The Hitcher.  It's an interesting mess, I'll give it that!  This is...

The movie spends roughly the first ten minutes setting everything up and eventually remembers to give us a title screen.  

In a nutshell, a rock & roll star who's clearly not supposed to be Marilyn Manson is going to do a live concert on the plane via the internet.  

Meanwhile, an FBI agent played by Burn Notice's Gabrielle Anwar catches a super-hacker (Sheffer), but he gives her some information to slow her pursuit of justice down.  He has some information about a group of Satanists that have gone off the radar and may be up to some misdeeds.  

But wait, what does that have to do with the concert?  

On the plane, there is a lot of build-up to the show, including one of the most tired cliches of all time.  We are *treated* to a scene where we cut from some rock music (supposedly that of the fake band) to the band sitting around with classical music.  

Ha ha- it's funny because they're different!  

The first song is pretty generic, but it ends with a man being tossed into an electric chair.  Wow, now we're ripping off Alice Cooper too!  The crowd eats it up, but the singer goes off-stage, forcing the people running the show to stall.  

Why?  Is something amiss?

Because the live show is losing viewers, the reporter finally coerces the singer to come back.  Instead of singing, however, he waves a gun around in the fan's faces.  

Naturally, they have no problem with that and actually enjoy it.  What can I say?  Metal fans are weird.  

The co-pilot goes shows up and gets shot...but it's a blank.  

Afterward, he threatens more fans and shoots the pilot again, but it's real this time!  Psych, Mr. Co-Pilot!  

He proceeds to hold the plane hostage, a situation not helped by the sudden presence of a storm in the area.  Anwar and Scheffer see some footage of a man being shot in the back, which causes them to call in the cavalry.  

Naturally, this consists of some random extras in the control tower and Joe Mantegna.  How well does that work out?  

Well, one control tower gets blown up, so you tell me.  Thankfully, Joe is still around to be bland and disinterested in even being on screen- hurray!  

Back at the hacker's place, they learn a big secret: the rocker with the gun is not the real deal.  

The band finds this out when they turn on him and pull off his wig, revealing him to be some Satanist guy.  

In a twist right out of Turbulence II, however, the lady reporter reveals herself to be evil and retakes control.  How redundant and stupid!

So why does someone want to hijack a plane full of rock stars and groupies?  

As it turns out, they have a really stupid plan that they need it for.  After deciphering clues left on the Satanist's web page, Anwar and Scheffer learn that they are going to fly it to Kansas and crash it into some abandoned church that is apparently an evil place.  

How evil is it?  Well, apparently, the Pope refused to even fly over it...for some reason.  

The real rocker breaks out and manages to turn himself into our hero.  He defeats his impersonator in mere seconds and faces off with the reporter/Satanist.  While he tries not to kill her, she ends up being shot and killed.  Finally, he has a face-off with the Captain (Rutger Hauer) who is also a Satanist!

Apparently, this airline has a shitty screening process!!!  Again, the man inadvertently kills the Captain, something done to make him likable, I guess.   

In a scene right out of Turbulence and, well, Airplane 1-2, he is given instructions on how to fly the plane from a controller.   

No, that makes too much sense.  He's actually given it by Scheffer's character!  

His rescue plan is interrupted by the return of the impersonator for one last showdown.  This one is actually back-and-forth but ends with the Satanist being knocked out again.  

To make a long story short (too late), the guy manages to land the plane, but only after the movie teases us with a bleak ending.  Screw you for that, movie- that's cheap.

This is not much better than Turbulence II, which I guess should be no surprise.  

The movie has a more interesting premise than that film, although that one did manage to throw in 800 plot twists in to spice it up.  This film sets up a ludicrous plot but serves it up in really banal fashion.  I mean, the Satanists look like normal people and just either shoot people or fight them.  

I guess I was expecting something more interesting from a film called Turbulence III: Heavy Metal!  The acting is pretty mediocre across the board, save for a decent performance by Hauer.  

That brings up the bigger point: why would you hire him for this role?  You want to make your movie interesting?  Hire Rutger Hauer as a crazy Satanist waving a gun around, as opposed to making him an evil airline pilot.  

This movie wreaks of direct-to-video crap- it's lazy, dumb and fails to live up to its potential.  

Seriously, this is a movie about evil Satanists taking over a plane full of rock stars- this should at least be funny!

Up next, The Howling series goes off in a new direction...and continent.  Does it work or will I bark foul?  Stay tuned...

***UPDATED*** Lost in Translation: The Thing

John Carpenter's claustrophobic remake of The Thing From Outer Space manages to surpass the original in many ways.  Of course, according to Japan, it's weird as hell.  See for yourself...

Wow, there's thinking outside of the box- and then there's this!  I mean, the world is an egg that has space tentacles coming out of it?  Okay then.

Now let's see how the Original looked befor all my meddling...

Next up, Japan's attempt to screw up our horror films continues with their poster to Rob Zombie's first film.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Mimic 3- Sentinel

Is there any clear sign before you even make a film that it's going to turn out bad?  I have a theory and a website that seems to corroborate this.  Here's the thesis: if you're making a bad, cash-in sequel and you hire Lance Henriksen, your movie will end usually up bad.  Case in point: The Mangler 2.  If you think that it's merely a fluke, I have another example: Alone in the Dark II.  Still think that I'm crazy?  Here are some films not necessarily reviewed on this page: The Omen II, Alien Vs Predator, House III: The Horror Show, No Contest II, Piranha II: The Spawning, Hellraiser: Hellworld and Screamers: The Hunting.  The prosecution rests, your honor!  Why do I mention all of this?  Well, Lance Henriksen is in this movie too and it sucks.  The bulk of the film is a rip-off of Rear Window and actually attempts to build suspense about what is going on.  Gee, this is the THIRD Mimic film, so I'm going to guess that it involves giant bugs.  Seriously, why did they do this?  All it does it make the film move at a crawl (no pun intended).  Still reading after all of that?  If so, check out my full review of...

The film begins by setting up the simple premise that it has: a physically-sick man watches his neighbors all of the time due to his inability to go outside.  Try to remember this, even when the movie decides to have two scenes where he actually goes outside!  Apparently he has some rare disorder related to the infestation of Judas Bugs from the original Mimic.  Well, that's still a better pretense for this being a sequel than Mimic 2 getting the fourth-tier character to come back.  They are also quick to establish that he has a rather unhealthy obsession with categorizing the pictures of his neighbors.  His wall of them actually makes Robin Williams' collection from One Hour Photo look small by comparison.  In addition, he has a quirky habit of guessing their names when he doesn't actually know them.  For example, he calls the weird man who is always near the trash 'Garbageman' and calls the honor student 'Number One Son.'  There's only one 'Number One Son' and he's related to Charlie Chan...dammit!  He begins to suspect that things are getting weird as the dad to 'Number One Son' changes his attitude from nice to angry.  Hmm...

The first thing that's actually interesting to happen involves the young nurse he's been photographing being brought over by his sister in order for them to hook up.  Yes, invite this mysterious woman in to have sex with your gravely-ill, 24-year old brother!  The second interesting thing happens when the girl's boyfriend/drug dealer gets killed by a mysterious creature after a drug deal with the 'nice old lady.'  Gee, why don't you just tell us that they're bugs.  Even if I didn't know that this was Mimic 3, it's based on the short story of the same name!  The real reason: they don't want to spend their CG budget just yet, so the bugs are just tall men in all-black.  They call in the murder, but fail to take pictures of anything due to their fright.  You take pictures of every banal detail of these people's lives, but can't do it when something actually happens?!?  A cop comes over and basically ignores their story, although he does find one thing interesting: their mother.  Faster than you can say 'this is a dumb sub-plot,' the cop and the mother have hooked up.  We are even treated to a scene where he tries to warn the cop about something going on, but this requires him to interrupt some off-screen sex.  I'd rather see the bugs, thank you!

After a long freaking wait, the movie finally comes to its sense and has shit happen.  The woman and the sister look into 'Garbageman's' apartment, but find nothing.  A few scenes show the neighbors being taken out by the bugs, but always when our hero is not looking.  He stumbles across a book showing a scientist looking into the Judas Bugs (Lance Henriksen) and learns that he is 'Garbageman.'  After the old lady and the cop are killed by the bugs (finally, some CG action!), Lance and his comrades are seen outside making some sort of deal.  Fun fact: one of the men is played by the mustachioed Lieutenant from Subspecies II-IV and he's credited as 'Mustache.'  Good to see that things are working out, buddy!  A bunch of them get killed and Lance gets his hand messed up.  This doesn't stop him from wielding a shotgun though, as he locks the wounded sister in the trunk and takes the woman with him to our heroes' apartments.  He sets the place up as a trap, but all of this does is get the mother killed by a bug.  The things try to break through as the movie blatantly contradicts itself by saying that 'the bugs are evolving.'  Um, in the last two films, they took human forms- here they are just bugs.  The woman gets wounded and our heroes hides out in the refrigerator, but only after setting up a MacGuyver-style bomb with the oven.  The whole place blows up & he's reunited with the woman at a hospital.  The End.

Yeah, this is not a good movie either.  Considering the stuff that Lance ends up in, this is no surprise.  Sorry, Lance- you're a good actor with a shitty agent.  This movie is a blatant rip-off of Rear Window and actually has the gall to reference it as well!  Seriously, stop pointing out better films for me to watch.  In all honesty, this premise has potential and could be used in a lot of interesting ways.  Here, however, it is just a pretense to drag out the story, not show you any CG and just generally waste your time.  Seriously, we know what the bug monsters look like, so what's the point in trying to build up suspense about them now?!?  The only way that this would be clever if it all built up to them being bugs, but revealed them to be something else.  Since this movie is not clever, we just get the stupid bugs cutting people up.  Wow, that's unique!  I will say one thing: Lance is the best thing about this movie, not to discount the supporting role by 'Mustache.'  Like a lot of these movies, Lance is only in this movie due to his relative star status and has barely anything to do.  If you're going to do this crap, at least put someone like Art LeFleur.  After all, this guy is going to star in Dahmer vs. Gacy- he definitely has no better options!

Next up, I wrap up another trilogy with Turbulence 3.  What does it have that's unique?  Heavy metal rockers in flight, that's what!  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: The Invisible Maniac

They say that being invisible can make you go crazy.  Why?  I'd personally enjoy a little privacy, but whatever.  Let's just see how well this guy took it...

I don't think he took it well.  On the plus side, this does seem to combine Zapped with the one thing it was missing: intentional molestation.  Hurray?

Next up, a bad-looking monster on a VHS box.  This could describe half of these updates...but it also describes the next one too.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Hills Have Eyes, Part II

Wes Craven is a major name in the horror market, but does that make everything he does good?  

The short answer: no.  

Mind you, I've only covered some of his more obtuse films on this site, such as Deadly Friend and Music of the Heart.  

Speaking of movies that people don't always want to associate with Wes Craven, here is the cash-in sequel to his cult classic film The Hills Have Eyes.  

Made in 1985, there is a noticeable time gap between the two films.  What are you, the Rush Hour series?  

So, what has changed between the two films' time periods, you ask?  

Well, Jupiter is still dead, but Pluto has somehow survived getting his throat torn out by a dog.  That radiation has some good side effects, huh?  

A new killer is in town and running the clan...of one other guy.  You guys really need to start recruiting!  

As far as normal people being carried over, you get two, but one of them is a part smaller than The Sinful Dwarf.  

The biggest thing to note: this movie loves flashbacks.  

It's a blatant bit of time filler and leads to one of the dumbest moments in the history of screenwriting.  Curious?  Check out my review of...

The film begins with Billy- the older boy from the original film- having a therapy session to deal with his lingering fears.  

Wow, real psychological ramifications in a horror series- this is looking up.  

As soon as I think that, he has a flashback, showing us the entire scene where they kill Jupiter.  It's easy to spot this as stock footage even if you haven't seen the original- guilty.  

Why?  Because that film has more grain on it than in a damn silo! 

I'm sure that there is some restored and/or Blu-Ray version of this, but I'm watching this Streaming, so I get the shit version.  

After this, his psychiatrist encourages to him not avoid the desert and to go out with his friends for a bike race.  

The man, you see, has invented some sort of super-fuel for bikes and they want to show it off at the race.  

Their goal: to find a buyer for it, get rich and retire.  

You guys are like 25!  

Anyhow, we are treated to a weird scene where a man in a ghoul mask seemingly breaking into a house.  

As it turns out, it's his girlfriend's house and she's blind.  That was, um, random.  

They meet up with their other friends, including a black couple and an idiot who crashes his bike into a convenient pile of boxes for his introduction.  

You're going to be our serious character, aren't you?

Before the group goes out, Billy decides that he just can't go.  Thanks for your needless cameo, buddy!  

The rest of the group goes out in their big, red bus & stops to pick Beast, the dog from the original.  That's an awfully vibrant dog for being over ten years old!  

On the bus ride there, the idiot guy who crashed earlier, is driving the bus and telling a wild tale of...The Hills Have Eyes.  Yeah, apparently everyone knows the tale.  

Did Billy write a book about it or something?  

How does everyone know about this event that only a few people survived?  Answer me, Wes!  

The story causes a woman named Rachel to have a flashback to Ruby saving the baby from Jupiter and Pluto.  

Gee, I wonder how she remembers that?  

Unfortunately, our group runs into a problem caused by one Ben Franklin.  That's right- they're running late due to them not adjusting their clocks for Daylight Saving's Time! 

 You've got to be freaking kidding me, movie!!!  

All of this is a set-up to them deciding to go off the paved road and take a shortcut.  They're in such a hurry that they stop the bus to discuss what they have to do.  

To make a long story short, they all take the dirt road, have another flashback and end up puncturing their gas tank.  They have just enough gas to get to a tiny shed.  

To quote a Mr. Ackbar: 'It's a trap!!!'

The movie tries to cram a lot into its second and third act, so I'll be brisk.  

After wandering around for a long time, Rachel/Ruby gets attacked by Pluto (Micheal Berryman), who promptly gets his ass-kicked by her, but manages to hit her and run away.  

Later, he steals the bike of our heroes (or his stunt double does) and we get a bit of time filler in the form of a race.  

While they're gone, we get the movie's dumbest moment: Beast has a flashback! 

 No, really.  

The dog has a flashback...which we see.

Our heroes get split up and the lead guy captures Pluto, but his friend gets killed by a trap.  

We learn that the new boss in the area is The Reaper & he allows Pluto to escape, which leads to our hero being captured...and not killed.  

The others linger around for a bit, the black couple of have sex and the movie finally starts killing off people- and fast!  In a series of scenes, everyone save for the blind girl, our hero, Rachel and Beast.  A double-team effort from our hero and Beast leads to Pluto's death, while Reaper stalks the blind girl.  Using her movie-based 'blind girl senses,' she eludes death rather easily.  Yeah, you're a killing machine.  

In a bit of laziness, Rachel/Ruby and Beast just sort of disappear from the film- um, okay.  

Our two heroes set-up a Rube Goldbergian trap to kill Reaper, which involves a rock, fire and an exploding bus.  They are alive but have no way home.  The End.

This movie is really not good.  

For one thing, it is obsessed with showing you the interesting parts of The Hills Have Eyes, which makes you realize how much shit this film is.  

They also edit the footage to cut around the bit where Pluto gets killed- lame.  

The actual story is dumb and only relies on our heroes being dumber than a bag of rocks!  

They drive over rocks in a bus, don't know that buses can use diesel fuel and decide to wander around instead of getting somewhere.  

They got into this mess by being in a hurry, but now they have time to meander.  

Pluto is pretty good in his role, although he is made to look like a complete moron.  The evil, killing machine manages to get beaten up by a girl, captured by a jerk, bitten by a dog and killed in a stupid way.  

You want to know how to kill a scary character?  Check out this movie for the answer.  

The Reaper is alright in his scenes, although he is mostly just a mindless brute.  The kills themselves lack a lot of logic, including the bit where the giant guy hides under a bus & where he sets up a trap, while he's apparently not even in the building!  T

his movie is a giant waste of time and actually makes me yearn for the recent remakes (2024 me- not anymore!).  

Say what you will, but the first one nails the gritty atmosphere much better than this shit!  To quote Carl ILHM, it's 'a best left forgotten sequel.'

Up next, I close up the Mimic trilogy- sort of- with a film that blatantly rips off a Hitchcock classic.  Don't worry- it still has giant bugs too.  Stay tuned...