Lost in Translation: The Exorcist

I know I pick on Poland a lot in this segment, but their stuff is just too damn odd.  For example, take their poster for the '70s classic The Exorcist...

Um...okay.  While I get the metaphor, it tells you nothing about the movie.  'Hey honey, let's go see that film where the snake wraps itself around the tree!'

Next up, Germany takes on  George A. Romero film.  Will it be confusing and vague?  Stay tuned...

Earth Day Fun!: Toxic Zombies

In celebration of the day that we celebrate our Earth, I clubbed a baby seal, burned some plastic and decided to review this movie.  Today's film is a sub-par, horror movie from 1980.  Does 30 years of video infamy make this movie look good?  Well, let me put it this way: it's director is also its star.  The same guy (Charles McCrann) is also the Producer, Writer and Editor.  Want to know how many other credits he has?  Zero.  Of course, he's been dead since 2001, so I'm safely able to mock his sole, cinematic achievement.  On the plus side, this film was banned in Britain for its gore.  Is that enough?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a group of hippies growing some weed out in the woods.  A pair of federal investigators show up...for some reason, but get killed by the people.  A pair of them are not bothered by this felony, while the others insist that they flee.  Ultimately, their leader tells them that they can't leave the crop behind and need to risk it.  Over at the nearby government building, one of the men decides to test a new form of DDT on the crops.  Of course, he has no idea that there are hairy guys and gals out there.  Good job killing the people that could have warned them, idiots!  As time goes by, these guys turn violent and their skin starts to get all blistered.  As this is going on, we get a silly plot involving a bureaucrat (our quintuple threat star) being pestered by his lady about not spending enough time with her.  Since all men in these films have spines made out of Nerf, they go out...to the same woods.  Dun dun...obvious.

I would be remiss without mentioning the whole sub-plot involving the crop duster.  It's all silly and random.  The hippies have turned into full, flesh-eating zombies and turn their attention to the nearby area.  To that end, we are introduced to a nice, annoying family.  Their is the mother, the father and the two kids- one boy and one girl.  How alarmingly-generic, movie.  They are not around long though, as the movie chooses to kill the adults off quickly.  Oh no, not them- I was so attached to them.  The kids run off and eventually run into our heroes.  By the way, for the couple's date weekend, our hero invited their friend too.  Yeah, you're new to this whole 'romance' thing, aren't you?  Of course, he is killed too, making the whole point of his character what again?  You just wanted to cast your buddy in the movie and had to find a pretense, huh?  Good for you.

The thing turns into a bit of 'zombies show up, run away and zombies show up again.'  The people end up at a cottage owned by a crazy hunter.  The guy is one of those 'the government is going to get us' guys who locks himself away with a bunch of guns.  Of course, this proves to be helpful when stuff like this happens, although the guy is not too smart.  He lets our heroes in and does not exactly survive to see this thing through.  That's what you get for being a jerk...and prepared for emergencies like that.  At least the crazy gun nuts from Tremors got to survive by being nice guys...and famous.  The film also makes sure to cut the tension it established by randomly cutting back to the government office.  Gee, that sure distracts me from the impending death.  Wrapping this up, the corrupt government guys send themselves out to kill any survivors and nip this whole thing in the bud.  How does that turn out?  Well, they die and we're all not sad.  The End.

Yeah, this is not a good movie.  The whole thing is far less interesting than it would make you sound.  Hippies turn into zombies & wreak havoc- I'm in.  Boring movie involving a bunch of hairy guys with fake legions on their faces- I'll pass.  The production values are minimal, the acting is pretty bad and the gore is pretty 'eh.'  I get what they were going for, but it's just not good.  The premise is simple enough, although they chose to mire it down with the kid element, the relationship sup-plot and the whole crop duster part.  I just don't care about that stuff- kill people already.  Ultimately, we have to just be honest with ourselves: the movies with silly titles like that almost never live up to themselves.  You're safer just going 'Ha, they made a film called Toxic Zombies' and moving on.  Let's close this up with a look at a good zombie film, just to cleanse our pallet. 

Up next, I take a look at a Japanese film that proved to be even too weird for me.  Would a second viewing help?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: ZAAT

After the last induction's comedic death and dismemberment, let's return to sci-fi/horror.  This one comes with almost no build-up and serves almost no purpose.  Perfect!

The film documents a scientist's journey of revenge against the scientists that scorned his work.  How does he get it?  By turning himself into a catfish-monster and killing them, of course!  Bear in mind this plot when I tell you of today's induction...

A man and his girlfriend are making out on the porch at night.  The girl talks about how there is a monster loose in the area, but the man laughs that off.  His little brain is calling the show tonight.  Mere seconds after saying that, the monster shows up and kills him.  Why?  Just because, that's why!

Next up, a man meets a sad fate after daring to question his commander one time.  By the way, they add an extra layer to this as well.  Stay tuned...

666: The Number of the Beast's Movies

I've officially reached the unholy number of updates/reviews, so this is only a fitting one.  Let's take a look at some of the films that have attached 666 to their titles...

The Omen 666: While not the official release title, this alternate title for the remake was official enough to merit attention.  As a bonus, the film was released on June 6, 2006...or 06/06/06.  Ha ha, you're so clever, movie studio.

666: The Child: This Asylum film was designed to be confused with the above title.  It's the exact same film, just with lower-tier acting, special effects and overall quality.  This was followed by...

666: The Beast: Yeah, apparently The Asylum thought that a sequel was merited.  Of course, let's make this confusing by making it the fake Omen 2, when it's plot is much more like that of The Omen III: The Final Conflict.  Speaking of sequels...

Children of the Corn 6660- Isaac's Return: This 1999 film was the 6th film in the series, so why not throw in the Devil's number?  As the title notes, this was the return of John Franklin in the role of Isaac.  Fun fact: he also worked on the screenplay.  Sure, why not?

Witchcraft 666: The Devil's Mistress: This Troma film is not really the 665th sequel to Witchcraft.  You probably guessed that though.

Studio 666: A crappy-sounding horror film about a rejected band member using Satanic power for revenge?  Yawn.

666 The Demon Child: Hey, another Omen knock-off, only this one predates the Omen remake.  Wow, I don't care.

Route 666: This low-budget horror tale involves Lori Petty and Lou Diamond Phillips running afoul of zombies.  You know, considering Wolf Lake...you can keep him.  Don't kill Tank Girl though.

That's all you get.  See you next time I reach a fictitious number related to Satan.

Import/Export: The *Hindi* Eye (aka Naina)

I stumbled across this film by accident and decided that I just had to see it.  

Let me give you the set-up: India made this movie in 2005, but it's not an official remake the horror film by The Pang Brothers.  

What does this mean?  

Basically, it means that they don't get a dime!  

The film is a pretty close adaptation of the story, but with new, Hindi actors.  

That's really all there is to say to build this up.  

Break out your Naan bread for my review of...

The film begins with a bunch of odd imagery.  That's fitting, since the movie is built entirely around this.  

The forward movement of the plot is pretty much secondary to this.  You probably know the plot for the most part: the girl is born and gets glass in her eyes from a car accident.  

The CG budget for this movie is pretty low, as is evidenced by the famous scene.  

As my brother pointed out though, they clearly *had* to include this scene and just had to work with what they had.

After getting the transplant as an adult, the young woman begins to see things that she shouldn't.  

She sees blood on windows, fire in the streets and weird people that can walk through walls.  

She makes friends with a young kid wearing the world's worst bald cap to ever be put on screen.  

This pads the run-time a bit but serves very little purpose.  The pay-off comes the night after she is told about him having some sort of neurosurgery done.  

She sees him walk by and through a wall, which tells her that he is going to die.  Sure enough- he does!  

I should ask how she sees the ghost to a person who's not dead yet, but that is probably asking too much.  

As she continues to have visions, the movie is pretty apparent in the J-Horror films that it tries to ape (ironic given that it is based on a CHINESE Film).  

For example, she sees freaky imagery and static on a television screen.

Gee, that's not like Ringu at all!

  

Don't get me wrong- it's nice and all, but the plot's momentum suffers for it.

There is some more pay-off to the visions as the one she has of a girl that appears to be the Hindi version of Alice Sweet Alice ends up being a missing girl.  She tells the police where to find the body...and there is zero follow-up on this.  

They don't ask questions or take a statement?!?  

It's pretty much just 'thanks for telling us where the body was hidden- have a nice day!'  

Finally getting too upset by the visions and almost nobody believing her, she coerces her doctor into revealing where the eye transplant came from.  

This sends them on a trip to India.  

By the way, 90% of the movie takes place in London, which makes for some odd moments of English-speaking amongst all the Hindi.  

They discover a small village and a bunch of visual cues that relate to her visions.  Again, to the film's credit, everything does lead somewhere.  

They discover it was the home of a young woman who could foresee death...and was not popular because of it.  

Flying in the face of actual lore for an area like this, she was seen as a witch and a 'death-bringer.'  

She tries to warn them of an impending gas leak-related explosion, but they ignore her.  

When a bunch of them die, she commits suicide by walking into the river.

Once out of the day-dream/flashback, our heroine goes home...only to get visions of impending death in a subway tunnel.  She finds work being done there and tries to warn people.  

Naturally, nobody believes her, although the doctor does.  

For some reason, he tells her to let it go.  Um, what?  

So yeah, a spark sets off an explosion and kills a ton of people!  Yet again, the movie's CG budget shows pretty apparently.  

Oh, and while trying to stop it, some glass flies in and ruins her new eyes.  Ooh, that's so clever, movie!  

Nobody makes anything about her warnings either and the movie ends with her being blind, but happy.  

What a tonal change from the 9/11-style chaos and destruction mere minutes earlier!  

The End.

I've got to be honest- this is not that good of a movie.  

While I can say that it's the first Bollywood film I've seen to not shoehorn musical numbers into it (I've seen five, by the way), the plot still has issues.  

Unlike Mahakaal (aka Indian Freddy), it doesn't ignore its plot for minutes on end.  

Instead, it lingers about with a series of weird visions and hallucinations.  

This idea can work, but only when you have a real Plot too.  

Have a character going somewhere or trying to solve a mystery.  

You can't just have them hanging around home/the hospital and seeing crazy shit!  

It takes nearly an hour for the reveal of the eye donor's past to come out and that is very rushed.  Minutes after arriving, she is given a 10-minute-long scene explaining everything!  

You guys don't get pacing, do you?!?  

There are certainly slower-moving and more dull films of this type (i.e. The Wig), but this is still not that good.  

If you like J and K-Horror, you may be more forgiving though.  Ultimately, it doesn't do all that much different.

Up next, I celebrate Earth Day with a film that is very much not Avatar.  Instead, it's a low-budget horror film that teaches us the values of not polluting...and involves zombies.  Stay tuned...

4/20 Day: Alice in Acidland

Dude, this holiday is like, totally new.  Stoners everywhere find the juxtaposition of these two numbers on the calendar to be symbolic of...um, what does 4-20 stand for again?  Seriously, I'm never done drugs, so I don't get it.  What I do get is shitty movies so let's focus on that.  Something Weird Video is a company that drudges through the vaults to find the movies that movie companies want to bury.  Way to dig through the trash, guys!  On the plus side, they are the main distributor of the Herschell Gordon Lewis film catalog.  On the negative side, they have released The Sex Lives of the Three Musketeers and Tarzun in the Valley of Lust, one of two porn-based parodies of Tarzan.  They released the other one too, by the way.  Which category does this film fall into?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with some narration and three problems are immediate.  One- the film is in cheap, dirty-looking black and white.  Second, the film stock appears to have been left in a vault filled with water, popping and crackling every other second.  Third, the film has no actual on-screen dialogue.  All of the plot is conveyed by narration- bad narration at that!  When a film reminds me of The Beast of Yucca Flats, it has already failed.

The plot is insultingly-simple: new girl comes into town, meets lesbian teacher and gets corrupted by drugs.  In their first real meeting together, they smoke pot in front of a Hollywood Hills side pool and go take a bath together.  Watch as the teacher takes a full minute to pull down the girl's bottoms, which appears to have been sewn into her skin!  In a truly dated bit, the narrator (who was pulled right out of a '30s propaganda film) explains that our Alice was pulled into the 'sex for pleasure' scene.  Yeah, she should be in the 'sex for producing two dozen kids because you're afraid of Muslims overtaking the world' scene instead.  Ah, you crazy Quiver Fulls.

There is almost no more actual plot to this movie.  We get another party where we are introduced to a virginal girl.  Naturally, she is seduced with drugs and sex.  In a bit of hap-hazard writing, we are told that Alice's friend committed suicide after taking acid and the teacher left.  Way to show us that, movie!  After more random dry-humping and talk about the evils of drugs, we get the film's freak-out scene...five minutes before the end.

Gee, hope it was worth the 48 minutes of boredom.  We need a stinger to close this 'story' out on though.  What do we get?  A slow-zooming shot of Alice in a sanitarium, apparently having been driven mad by drugs.  Our narrator explains that Alice is doomed and throws in some lazy Alice in Wonderland references.  The End.

This movie sucked.  Seriously, Something Weird either uncovers freaky gold or utter, utter shit.  Do you guys need to resurrect every roadshow movie ever made?  There is a reason why these films were a product of their time and did not carry on!  Lots of things from the '60s lived on well into the 1990s and 2000s, including Woody Allen, slapstick comedy and George Carlin.  I do have to applaud the company's ability to dig up crazy shit though- I just don't really want to see all of it.  Instead of putting out a double-feature on interracial love movies (they already have, by the way), try tracking down London After Midnight for us.  If you do, I'll forgive you for Blood Freak and, maybe, Please Don't Eat My Mother.

Next up, my tradition of finding needlessly-obscure movies continues.  This time, I bring you another Indian remake of a horror film- this time from Japan.  Stay tuned...

WTF China?!?: Shaolin vs. Evil Dead 2

Don't you just hate being left waiting?  I know I did when it came to this movie.  As I mentioned in yesterday's review, the producers of this film chose to end it on a cliffhanger without bothering to make sure that funding was there for a sequel.  Would this be doomed to end up like Jet Li's Evil Cult or The Super Mario Brothers?  Tell me it wouldn't end up like Deep Rising, the movie that still begs to have a sequel!  As it turns out, that would not be the case.  No, we get closure to this story, but at what price?  This film came out about two years later, although there were definitely some changes in store.  Why talk about it...when I can talk about it below the title card?  This is...

The film begins with...something completely unrelated.  Um, remember the cliffhanger where the most powerful Taoist was possessed by an evil spirit?  He was going to kill our heroes.  Nothing, huh?

So yeah, the bulk of this movie is designed to show how the bad Taoist monk would become a bad guy.  It has something to do with kung-fu fighting, poison and demons.  Do I care?  No.  Way to waste two-thirds of a movie, guys!  Give me the real movie now.

The final battle takes place between the two Taoist monks and it's...um, weird.  It involves the two of them fighting in a Cube (not that one!) and battling through rooms that represent the Four Elements.  It's weird, random and full of low-budget CG crap.  It has a certain charm, but what the hell does any of it really mean?!?  Who the hell knows?!?!?  The End.

You may think that I was just being lazy or negative here, but that's the vibe the movie gives off.  Seriously, it took nearly two years for this film to get funding, get shot and make it onto the international market & that's what they gave us.  What the hell?!?  You clearly had some footage made for this movie- you showed it in your damn credits!  Instead of giving us more of that, we get an hour's worth of back-story that has nothing to do with anything.  Did we need build-up and explanation for Fan Siu-Wong's character being evil?  No.  For one thing, they already explained it in a simple manner in the first film.  Secondly, he gets possessed!  Let's put this movie in perspective.  Imagine if you were a kid who would had just watched the ending of The Empire Strikes Back.  Now imagine that the three years have gone by and you got...an hour summary of the entire prequel trilogy.  How pissed would you be?  Exactly.  I need to think about something less irritating and more innocent...

Next up, I celebrate a recently-popular internet holiday: 4/20.  In honor of that, a film that I'm sure celebrates drug use.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Dreamaniac

Is it any surprise that a knock-off film of A Nightmare on Elm Street finally showed up here?  Nope.  This one does look kind of interesting though...

Yeah, that's a really dumb tag-line and a very odd-looking villain.  Is that Egghead or Puppet Master from The Fantastic Four comics?  You decide!

Incidentally, I tried to track this down for a real review.  As far as I can tell, it's only available on- wait for it- VHS!  Oh well, it's not worth the $15 or so that they want for it.

Up next, a movie with one of the most blatantly-stupid titles of all time.  How does the box art match up?  Stay tuned...

WTF China?!?: Shaolin vs. Evil Dead

This movie is really odd, so let me try and explain this.  If you are not aware, this was a big trend in the '70s of making 'hopping vampires' movies in China.  Seriously, they hop.  Why?  They never really say.  Their vampires are weird demons in robes that hop up and down in pursuit of victims.  As a side note, Lake of Dracula is the only mainstream, Chinese vampire film to feature a normal Dracula.  Jump to 2004, the producers of this movie attempted to make- I believe- a film that is both an homage to those movies and an update to them.  They got two notable genre actors: Gordon Liu and Fan Siu-Wong (aka Louis Fan).  The first name is pretty familiar, but the second one may not be.  If you don't know, Wong was the star of Riki-Oh, one of the most awesomely-ridiculous movies ever made.  He hasn't really done a whole lot else of note, so let's stick with that.  This movie is...well, weird.  Part comedy, part action, part horror and one tiny part romance.  This is...

Our story begins with the Taoist Master leading a troupe of vampires through the street at night.  He is accompanied by his two students, a brother pair that don't look related in the slightest.  The reason for this trip is to take the vampires to a mortuary and allow them to be reincarnated.  Naturally, the best plan is to lead them through occupied areas to do so!  The movie is quick to explain the hopping (it's harder for them to run away) and the outstretched-arm pose (it's so they don't bump into each other) that characterizes the monsters.  Um, thanks...I guess.  Our heroes are hungry and stop in a restaurant, while the Master stays outside for no good reason.  They settle in and get their food, but the Master suspects something when maggots fall from the ceiling.  As it turns out, the place is actually full of zombies!  That sure is random, movie!  They fight the creatures with kung-fu and magic, but are getting overwhelmed.  A hot chick shows up and kicks some ass before another Taoist Master shows up to finish the job.  That man (Wong) is the former friend and fellow student of our hero (Liu).  To make things perfectly clear, the other Master is a complete jerk, uses dark magic and wears all black.  Thanks, I get it!

The next day, we get more randomness as the older student asks why the Master had the younger one pee on the floor for a spell and not him.  He even flashes the man (off-camera, thankfully) before they move on.  Why?  Incidentally, they were putting the spirits in eggs during the fight and the young student swallowed one by accident.  There's a pay-off to this, but it's weird as shit!  We get a romance sub-plot involving the hot woman student and the older student.  After some slapstick, he woos her with some tofu jelly, but she leaves all the same.  When tofu jelly on a suspension bridge fails, what could possibly work?!?  They run into the bad Taoist again as he steals a soul from Liu and sets it loose in the town to cause trouble for him.  He shows up to get rid of it, proving that our film can rip off Dragonheart and The Frighteners in one fell swoop!  We get another confrontation, but the bad one wins this round.  He hangs around the town and uses the Virgin Exorcist Spell (seriously) to turn the young boys of the town into kung-fu masters.  The good Master shows up and reveals this to be a black magic mind-control spell, which makes them instantly turn on the bad Master.  In turn, he uses magic to battle Liu and company in Spirit Chess, using the kids as pawns.  Naturally, they summon paper warriors in the form of young Buddhist monks to battle him.  No, really.

Our villain doesn't take losing well and gives a long, drunken explanation of the back-story between him and Liu to his student.  To get revenge, he opens up a grave to find some new power sources.  He ends up waking a vampire and must battle him.  He escapes, but the vampire just gets out later and kills some people in a bar.  They battle again and he loses...sort of.  Back in Plot A, the kid finally expels the spirit inside of his body by running into an outhouse...causing it to explode.  A freaky, zombie baby covered in foam is born and follows the kid around calling him 'mommy.'  A better name for this is the one given to it by my friends and I though: a shit zombie.  The Master takes this in stride...for some reason and takes the zombie/ghost thing with them.  They show up in the bar and learn that the bad Master has been possessed.  A battle ensues, but it does not go in favor of our heroes.  The zombie baby leaps onto a pile of magical scrolls and kamikaze bombs the villain.  Our heroes run outside and...the movie ends abruptly.  No closure for you!  Instead, we get two minutes of shots during the credits that will end up in the sequel...released two years later.

I've got to be honest: this movie is weird as shit!  It never knows what it wants to be and I don't know how to classify it.  It's sort of a comedy at times, but that is often tossed aside.  In many ways, it is a horror film, what with the zombies and vampires showing up.  The scary factor often gives way to the film's real focus: martial arts.  We get all the weird and cliched tricks, including flipping and people flying around when tossed.  Physics is not a word that exists in this universe!  Seriously, the plot is so odd and random.  For example, they leave the vampires outside for the restaurant fight & pick them up in the next scene.  That whole plot element vanishes when they are put to rest & is replaced with the spirit one.  That too seems to vanish when the eggs are placed in the dirt and turn into...CG butterflies.  Of course, that comes back with the kid's plot...that ends as abruptly as the film itself.  How do I classify it?  Well, if you like kung-fu movies with weird effects, a random plot and some horror elements, this is for you!

After the terrible and abrupt ending, I bet you're anxious to see how it all ends.  I had to wait two years, so you can wait one day.  Stay tuned...

Syndicated Incorporated: Robocop- Crash and Burn

How much Robocop is too much Robocop?  Well, we're in the final stretch of the Robocop: Prime Directives miniseries so let's wrap this up...

* To recap, evil Dr. Kaydick (pronounce it slowly to get the pun) is going to unleash a terrible computer virus into SAINT, the program that will soon automate the city.
* Robocop's former partner has been turned into a Robocop himself and is forcibly-working for Kaydick.
* His adult son has finally learned about his dad's identity/fate and is going to help them stop the bad guy.  Phew.

The story starts out slow with people standing around and talking about what they're going to do.  After about ten minutes, all hell breaks loose and there's really no major respite for the next 80 minutes.  Hey guys, ever hear about pacing?

One odd bit involves some comedy.  It features a janitor fixing up OCP's glass doors and complaining about how people keep breaking them (see all three previous parts).  What's the pay-off?  You guessed it...

Inside the building, Robocable and Kadick (with the daughter/virus host in tow) go one way, while Robocop, the hacker lady and the son go another.  They share the same destination: OCP's top floor and the home of SAINT.

*

Another odd bit involves Robocop's talk about not killing.  His method: crashing cars and shooting cops in the kneecaps.  How long before that rule is broken by the lady?  About three minutes into the interior fight scene.  Oh well.

Kaydick/Cable find the former Mrs. Cable and drag her along to open the doors.  Likewise, our heroes grab the corrupt President of OCP (after he killed the Executive Board) to do the same.  The trip is rough, especially when Mrs. Cable decides to badmouth her now-cyborg ex-husband.  Does Robocable have to choke a bitch?

Finally, at the top, lots of action goes down.  OCP security have a shoot-out with Robocable, but Robocop intervenes.  How do they pay him back?  By blowing them both up with a grenade.  They eventually get up and fight some more.  It's a race to get to the top before SAINT is in control of the city.  Get out your stopwatches!

Ultimately, Kaydick gets the virus (it's called LEGION, by the way- ha ha) uploaded, but gets defeated by his former wife (aka hacker lady).  Something weird goes down and they both get digitized away.  Why?  I'm honestly not sure.  Down at floor level, the OCP President gets hurt and ends up in the lobby.  He tries to drag himself away from the automated lasers, but...

Damn!  It hurts even worse when he realizes what happened!

Yeah, he dies.  Is anybody really crying about this?  Nah.  Robocable seemingly-kills Robocop before they set off the EMP bomb from Part 3 (serious Chekhov's Gun action here!).  Robocop survives however and is left with a programmed message from Cable.  Apparently, he shut off his buddy, which made the EMP not destroy his circuits.  Um, does it work that way?

With the day saved, Robocop walks off into the sunset...to not do anything for the last ten years since they made this.

Is this a good miniseries?  Well, yes and no.  It definitely could be trimmed down a bit, but certain things are accepted when you're talking about stuff like this.  I wish they could have kept a little continuity with the casting here (this is, after all, the FOURTH actor to play Alex Murphy/Robocop).  Apparently, they tried to get the guy from the 1994 show, but something got in the way.  One thing to note: this thing randomly features shocking and dramatic death.  There's no build-up; it just happens.  Recall the guy split by lasers in Part 2?  It makes things interesting, but is still pretty damn weird.  You can track this whole thing down on Netflix or in a video store...assuming you still have any around you.  If you like the character, it's worth seeing.  If not, you may not make it through the whole thing.

Up next, I take a look at a syndicated action show that tries to be X-Men...on a tv budget.  This should be interesting.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Return of the Living Dead 5

Did we really need four sequels to Return of the Living Dead?  It's good and quirky, but it really needed them?  On top of that, the last two were made to air exclusively on the Sci-Fi Channel.  Ah yes, the channel that airs films by The Asylum and claims that they made them.  Yeah, those people!  This film, for once, is supposed to be a follow-up to the last sequel.  What- no retcons or remakes?  Of course, this is barely-related and ignores a lot of key elements.  For example, we have the same male lead from the first film, but no mention of the fact that his parents were brought back as military-weaponized zombies.  Hell, there's no mention of the zombies at all!  It's like 'I don't recall any of this that just happened!'  This is the question: is it a good movie?  Well, no.  For more detail, check out my review of...

The film begins with a truck carrying a Trioxin 5 drum to a mysterious location.  Seem familiar?  Out steps, you guessed it, Peter Coyote.  Apparently, he escaped the zombie outbreak and the military without a scratch- uh huh.  He is selling the drum to some foreigners, but they want a test.  Fortunately, they have a trio of corpses to do it with.  Naturally, they come to life and wreak havoc.  We also get the people not shooting zombies in the head at first, even though they say out loud that they have to in order to kill them.  That's still not how it's supposed to work here!  During the chaos, Coyote's character dies, but not before making about five or six wacky expressions.  We cut to a High School and our young leads, one of whom is from Part 4.  Apparently, he's gotten over the whole zombie outbreak thing and has new friends.  He is saddened to hear about the death of his uncle, in spite of hating him in the last film for making his dead parents into weapons!  He goes to the guy's place and discovers a hidden room that contains two Trioxin 5 drums...and the outline of where a third one was!  Him and his lady go to a party- a pretense to show breasts and drug use- to find their chemist friend.  Guess what he uses his scientific knowledge to make!

Anyhow, he tests the stuff in the drum and learns that it contains many of the same elements as Ecstasy.  Naturally, one of his friends tests the stuff on himself and likes it, despite it making him comatose for five minutes.  Our hero insists that they leave it alone, but they make pills out of it anyways and spread the shit around in a 'dealing drugs' montage.  Real classy, guys.  A trio of College cliches take the stuff and turn into zombies, chasing their other friend around.  It all ends up at a band's practice session where one of them is stabbed to death with a drumstick and the other is decapitated with the swing of a guitar.  Apparently being a zombie makes your flesh and bones turn into paper mache!  While this is going on, our hero's girlfriend tests the stuff on some lab rats and fails to leave a control subject.  Say what you will about how shitty the drug-dealing chemist is, but at least he knows how it works!  Our hero goes to the site of the upcoming rave to help them build the set, leading to, you guessed it, an '80s 'fixing stuff up montage!'  Two montages in one movie?  What are you, Operation Scorpio?!?  Eventually, the foreign guys from before meet up with our hero and they figure out that the drugs turn you into zombies.  Guess where they shipped the rest of the stuff!  Oh yeah, we also get a pointless cameo by Tar Man.  I finally get why people view 'fan service' as a bad word!

Back at the rave site, the DJ who has been taking the zombie drug for a while turns, but only after dispensing some of the stash to the rest of the party.  Our heroes arrive with the foreign guys in tow, but tell them that they will stick out too much.  Naturally, they steal the Valkyrie costumes of two hot girls...and they fit...and they're large on them.  So yeah, a zombie infestation breaks out and people are getting bitten left and right.  Our heroine is going to find the DJ, since apparently he's her brother, while the chemist/drug dispenser is looking for his girlfriend.  By the way, the DJ is her brother- thanks, random plot point.  She finds her bro too late and our hero tries to fend him off.  Like last time, he gets his ass-kicked, only this time the girl saves him by killing her brother.  Tragically, the zombie died because he was trying to make the kill look dramatic.  The chemist finds his lady- whose dressed as an Indian- and tries to get to her.  The two foreign guys start shooting the zombies and try to save the day, but it's a bit like emptying a river with a bucket.  The girlfriend actually starts killing some zombies by shooting them with the bow & arrow as part of her costume.  Thank God they were real weapons and you're a trained archer!  Bye, logic.  The chemist dies tragically as he chooses to save her instead of himself with his last bullet.  Thanks for the dramatic moment in a comedy, guys.  This is all for naught as the U.S. military shows up and starts shooting, killing her and dozens of others.  They drop and bomb and kill everyone save for our hero, his lady and one of the foreign guys.  Did the other one die in a Deleted Scene, movie?  We cut to Tar Man who finally gives up hitch-hiking and goes for a 'David Banner' walk.  The End.

So yeah, this is not really a good movie.  Unlike Part 4, it is meant to be somewhat comedic.  That said, it's really not that funny.  It definitely wants to be and I can see how they might have taken it as such.  The jokes are either too direct- ha ha, guys are dressed like Asterix and Obelix- or just plain weird.  You can tell a series has been stretched too thin when they feel the need to have zombies say 'brains!' every three minutes too.  Seriously, make a drinking game out of this and you'll love the movie so much more.  That said, it wasn't boring and it had some decent zombie moments in it.  It was a bit too obsessed with the image of the zombies killing people by taking one bite out of their head.  Incidentally, why is it that they can bite through a human skull?  I know we're talking about zombies here, but teeth are actually made out of a less dense material than a skull, I think.  After four sequels, I just felt like asking that, I guess.  Do yourself a favor and stick to Part 2 for pure comedy (if viewed on its own merits and not as a sequel) or for Part 3 for some interesting zombie action.  If you skip this, your life will be about the same.

Next up, I look at a pretty obscure horror series that took an odd manner in regards to storytelling.  Oh yeah, it also has zombies/vampires in it too.  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Doll Graveyard

Let's close-up with a film by Mr. Charles Band himself.  As part of the Band family, the man has personally directed a lot of the Full Moon films, not to mention producing and/or having his hand in writing many of them too.  This film is another recent one and comes to us from the 2005.  Ah, the good old days when we wondered about whether or not the Batman series could possibly be brought back.  Not to continually beat up on the guys, but this film was also an attempt to recreate the success of Puppet Master.  Seriously, let it go!  Of course, with Puppet Master: Axis of Evil coming out, obviously that's not going to happen.  Since they have yet to make Doll Graveyard II: Let's Add Nazis, you know how well this movie idea worked.  Why?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a young girl playing with her dolls.  Her collection includes a Samurai Doll, a racially-insensitive African Doll, a cliched German Doll (complete with spiky helmet) & a normal Girl's Doll.  Gee, you have odd taste, honey!  Just to note: this prologue takes place in the 19th Century, so these are supposed to be acceptable.  The film, however, was only made five years ago.  Do you think that it excuses, Charles?  Anyhow, she breaks a dish by...moving next to a table it's on, apparently, and her father decides to punish her.  His punishment: making her dig a four-foot hole in the ground.  Manual labor will teach you....my 70lb daughter.  He makes her buries her dolls, which she really draws out.  As she climbs out, she falls and dies.  Um, how?!?  The hole was not that deep and there wasn't a rock there or anything.  So, yeah, he buries her and the titles arrive.  Cut to the present day, we see that there is a single father raising a teenage son and daughter.  By the way, they try to disguise that this is the same actor from before.  Next time, don't just stick a fake mustache on top of his real goatee!  He has recently unearthed a watch from the backyard, while the son digs up the Samurai Doll.  This watch, of course, is the one owned by the dad back then.  Does this pay-off?  No, not really. 

The dad goes off for some plot contrivance and leaves the two alone.  The girl is grounded, so she decides to make a night of it by inviting her friends to come to her.  The brother is not happy with this, as he apparently has a feud with her 17-year old friend.  Why, exactly?  The other girl is a much nicer and much more homely (read: not slutty and dresses her age) & actually is nice to the kid.  They share a love of action figures and she is actually interested in the fact that he bought a rare G.I. Joe doll.  The slutty girl hints that she invited some guys over.  Cue the brother being grabbed and taken into his room by the two jerky, older guys.  Um, where is this going?  It ends up with the blond guy (who looks like The Hills' Spencer Pratt) giving some of the worst 'jerk acting' just shy of a drunken Zabka.  He ties up the kid...for some reason and smashes his G.I. Joe doll.  Man, what a...cliche.  They go downstairs and scare the girls, which immediately makes our heroine go make out with one of them.  Um, what?  Meanwhile, the prude (read: normal) girl goes off to see the brother.  Way to...go after someone much younger than you.

Why no talk of the puppets?  Because they don't do crap for 80% of the movie and try to cram everything in at the end.  The slightly-less jerky guy goes off to the parent's room to have sex with our heroine, who decides to handcuff him first.  While she is in the closet (literally, not figuratively), the German Doll comes out and, well, gives him a Prince Albert.  It's bloody and weird.  The girl shows the film's biggest problem by lightly knocking the Doll away with ease.  She runs off for help, while more shit goes down.  The slutty girl goes to talk to the jerk after his attempt to get into the nice girl's pants fails.  He gets really, really drunk and mistakes the Racially-Insensitive African Doll for...a person.  Damn, he must have gotten into some Absinthe!  Blah blah blah, he dies.  The girls try to get the Slutty Girl's cellphone, but the Girly Doll has it and proves that she has a new power.  Basically, her head is cracked open like Canadians on South Park and she bites people- big whoop.  The Prude Girl frees the boy, who learns that he is being used as a channeling point for the dead girl's spirit.  After this, they run around some more before the dad comes home.  The dolls attack him until the boy decides to finally call them off.  They decide to bury the dolls...which worked so well last time.  We get a sequel-bait ending involving the boy morphing into the dead girl though.  The End.

So yeah, this is a bad movie.  It is barely 60 minutes (roughly 64) and still drags like all hell.  It takes forever to get to a kill and, even then, we only get two.  Geez, I think that there were more deaths in Fried Green Tomatoes!  The dolls are not that great, which is something you should at least take for granted here.  You've had so many movies full of dolls & this is the best you can come up with.  Never mind the fact that you have a doll with a pointy-head...again.  Incidentally, we also get a doll that has a gun that fires bullets...somehow.  My favorite part: the fact that the dolls blinking is done with CG effects.  You couldn't put motors in the damn thing after all this time?!?  It's a pretty bloodless horror movie and barely qualifies as that.  The whole thing is just bad.  Fail, fail and fail again, Full Moon.

Next up, Blockbuster Trash returns with the final (I hope) Return of the Living Dead sequel.  It has zombies, ravers and completely unnecessary fan service.  Stay tuned...