VHS For The Win: Serial Killer

You'll have to excuse this movie's extremely-lame and direct title, but you'll see why I included it here in a moment...

Well, you've got to start somewhere.  Mind you, some would not call playing the villain in Best of the Best 4 to be 'somewhere,' but just accept the expression.

Up next, a film with a really generic title, but an extremely WTF box art design.  Seriously- what the hell?!?  Stay tuned...

Larry Cohen Week: It's Alive 2

Day 2 of Larry Cohen brings us It's Alive 2- how fitting.  For those of you who don't know, Cohen had a pretty notable hit with the original, which was a film about a killer baby.  The film focused a lot on the family having to deal with this sudden event and the father having to make a hard choice: save innocent people or save his baby.  In the end, he chose to kill the baby, but the film ended with a news story about three more cases occurring across the United States.  So that's where we are now?  Where does it go from here?  Can the film survive actually showing the baby...or babies?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins at a party for a woman who is expecting child.  After a few minutes of small talk and chatter, everyone leaves, save for one man.  As it turns out, that man ends up being the father from the last film and he has some big news for the happy couple.  The United States government is rounding up the babies as they are being born and killing them.  He wants to help them hide their baby and raise it in safety.  They are not exactly all that trusting, but can you really blame them?  If a random guy shows up at your house and tells you about some sort of conspiracy, would you believe him?  As it turns out, the father is working with a group of other men.  Of course, to expedite this whole process, the woman goes into labor the same night.  They actually try to call the man, but he decides to leave his room and can't hear it over the music.  They end up going to the hospital...only to find that they have some company: the police.

Things get tricky at the hospital as the woman is placed into a room full of cops, while the man is kept outside.  Our conspiring heroes finally figure this out and rush to the scene.  The previous film's dad gets in relatively-easy due to the gun who pushes against the lead detective's back.  Why nobody shoots him when he walks past them with his back exposed is anyone's guess.  Once inside, he forces them to take the woman out to a truck where they...have a mobile delivery room.  Okay, this is pushing logic a bit, Larry.  The police do nothing -since the detective is still a hostage-, save for following them closely.  The baby is born, giving us some nice POV shots, but no clear image of the killer baby.  It shows that killer instinct, however, when it claws one of the doctors across the throat- but he lives.  When the truck hits a roadblock, they find...nobody inside.  Evidently, they switched cards whilst inside of a tunnel.  In a weird move, they left the woman with the cop and took the dad with the baby.  Huh?  The two are delivered to a covert location where it is revealed that two more babies are there!

The father needs a bit of time to get accustomed to the whole thing, while the others take it all in stride.  We learn that the babies are growing quickly and appear to be close to the mental age of a three-year old.  They also share some sort of psychic bond, which I'm sure will not come back.  The mother gets an invite to the facility, but the grandmother puts a tracer in her purse.  The police head to the scene as the babies trick an older worker into letting them go and kill him!  The couple is reunited at the house, but argues and does not make up.  The father is attacked by a baby in a pool, who is subsequently killed, while the mom is confronted by the second child, who escapes.  The father from It's Alive escapes with their kid, only to be killed by it.  The police set up an operation where the family gets a house in the area the child is running around and killing animals.  While they still argue, they find a common link in their child, who proves to be calm around them.  Of course, the police show up and drive the baby to anger, forcing the dad to kill it.  In an epilogue, the new dad is out doing the work of the previous dad and warning the parents.  To be continued?

This film is good, but certainly not for everyone.  The pacing is really weird and it takes some getting used to.  Just like It's Alive, the baby(ies) are not shown much, which makes you wonder why they got Stan Winston to create the damn thing!  To this film's credit, the creatures get much more screen time and interact with actors on camera a lot more as well.  The film is basically broken up into three big chunks: the set-up/hospital scene, the babies escaping the base & the final capture plan by the police.  If you can embrace this odd idea and the film's preachy attitude at times, you can get some good enjoyment out of it.  If you are expecting a wacky, creature-feature from this premise, think again.  If you want that, you will have to make due with Q: The Winged Serpent or Thursday's review.

Next up, Cohen gets all serious for a crime film that could possibly be the most Meta film of all time.  It's...something else.  Stay tuned...

Larry Cohen Week: God Told Me To

Larry Cohen has never been the biggest name in horror and science-fiction, but that suits him just fine.  The man has never tried to be a go-to director for big hits and commercial series'.  In fact, the man really only has two series' to his name (three if you count Black Caesar and Hell Up In Harlem as a series): Maniac Cop (for writing only) and It's Alive.  I'll get to the latter one tomorrow, but let's focus on one of his first big hits in the sci-fi/horror genre: God Told Me To.  The film is all about a series of seemingly-random murders that begin to take place in New York City.  Is there a connection?  Well, this would be a really dull film if there wasn't, but you won't believe what it is.  This is...

The film begins with a man shooting people from a rooftop.  Fun fact: this movie was released about 10 years after Charles Whitman did just that in Texas.  Anyhow, he is taken down by the police and, when asked why he did it, he had only one reply: 'God told me to.'  Naturally, this is a case that baffles the police and leaves them wondering what the hell is going on.  Well, at least that's the end of...

Another seemingly random crime takes place as a man kills his girlfriend in his apartment.  When asked why he did it, he says 'Gold told me to.'  Okay, this is getting weird now...

During the St. Patrick's Day Parade, a random cop (Andy Kauffman!!!) opens fire and starts shooting his brethren.  All you Dark Knight fanboys (myself included), take note of this scene as inspiration.  Sadly, this film failed to gross $1 billion dollars too, nor will it ever...since it's in Public Domain.  While all this is going on, our hero is having some issues...

You see, our main hero is a detective who is investigation the murders.  He is having some issues at home with his lady (a common Cohen motif) and has a sort of crisis of faith.  It doesn't help that he is Catholic (another Cohen motif) and they're just all messed up to begin with.  What?!?  They'd tell you the same thing.  As he searches for the source of this crime, a pimp actually tries to exploit this by killing a cop who was going to out him and writing 'Gold Told Me To' on the wall in his blood.  Was he crazy?  Like a fox!  It would have been even better for him if it had worked.

Our hero eventually learns some odd facts about his past from his mother (Sylvia Sidney aka the lady killed by crows in The Omen II).  To start with, he learns that he was actually adopted and has to track down this woman.  Oh and it only gets worse.  You see, before he was born, she was abducted by aliens and claims to have gotten pregnant after that!  Um, what?

The movie only gets weirder from here as there seems to be common thread amongst the killings: a cult leader (Scanner Cop's Richard Lynch).  He confronts him in the basement of a building, but finds him to be kind-of glowing and such.  This all leads to...yeah, I won't spoil it.  It may seem silly to do this for a 33 year-old film, but this film is nothing without it's explanation.  If you haven't seen it, do so.  Given that it's Public Domain, it's not hard.

This movie is extremely-weird and only gets more so as it begins to explain itself.  Given the odd premise, you would not think that they could wrap it up in a succinct way, but they do.  Mind you, that's a relative term, since the explanation is still a bit screwy.  All I can say is this: it involves abductions, Jesus and a lady's nether regions.  As for the film itself, it flows well and has some pretty natural dialogue.  If you are just in it for the killing, most of it happens in the early parts to establish the atmosphere of terror and confusion.  After the first forty minutes or so, the story is purely focused on our hero and the film's freaky plot.  It really has to be seen to be believed and shows just how far out there Cohen is willing to go.  This is a fitting start for a week about his wacky work, if I do say so myself.

Next up, the sequel to his big break-out hit: It's Alive.  The plot involves more babies, more death and...marital strife.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Attack of the Puppet People

Bert I. Gordon is a big name in '50s, '60s and '70s creature-features.  One of his more famous films is a great example of creative marketing...

Damn- this movie looks scary!  I hope it's not just a film based around giant props and dated rear-projection effects instead.

Up next, a French horror film gets a trippy poster that tells you...well, nothing.  Stay tuned...

(Fun With) Fulci: The Four of the Apocalypse...

Let's close out this look at Lucio Fulci's work with one of his genre films that is not really talked about that much: a Western.  Given the fame of his horror work, it is no surprise that his Westerns- which include this film and Massacre Time- get almost no attention.  Horror fans are usually not also fans of the Western, even when the two films meet a la Billy the Kid vs. Dracula.  That's maybe not the best example, but you get my drift.  So, what do you need to know here? Well, the film is based on two Western stories by Bret Harte (not the master of the Sharpshooter).  Of course, since Fulci is on board, the gore is higher than anything in the stories.  Well, let's saddle up for...

The film begins with a bit of narration setting up the events to come.  Is it a good sign when the filmmaker decides to have an unseen voice tell you what could easily be shown?  Our main hero is a card shark who has arrived in a Utah town that he frequently does 'business' in.  This time, however, the Sheriff is doing things differently.  He- along with a cabal of people- decide to kill off all of the people that deem 'unfit.'  The rest- including our hero, a prostitute, a crazy black slave and a drunkard- our put in jail for the crime of...being in town.  That night, a bunch of masked men shoot up the town and kill many.  Quick question, movie: if you guys are killing everyone except yourselves, why did you wear masks?  Meanwhile, the Sheriff sits in the Jail House eating and ignoring his four prisoners.  The next day, he sends them out of town on a wagon.  From hereon out, the film is as follows...

* They run across a group of missionaries, but move on.
* They try to bond in all of the cliched ways (sharing a laugh, etc).  Oh and the drunk guy downs a whole bottle of after shave too!  Ha ha, it's funny because it's painful!
* Desperate for food, the group finds a Jack Sparrow-looking Mexican who agrees to help them.  His first act: shooting every animal in sight.  Sorry, PETA.

 * When a group of his rivals show up, he kills all but one of them.  The last guy: he gets horrifically-tortured before being killed.

* Eventually, 'Jack' turns on them.  He rapes the pregnant prostitute while the others watch & belittles the drunk.  When the man finally stands up to 'Jack,' he gets a bullet in the leg.
* This forces our heroes to drag him in a gurney across the desert.  They narrowly avoid 'Jack' later, who apparently doubled-back to get them...despite leaving them to die earlier.

* They find the missionaries dead in the field.  Ah, pathos- what would I do without you?
* They get to a ghost town, but the drunk dies from his wounds.  A bit later, the crazy black guy brings in meat from game he shot....which turns out to be from the dead guy's ass.  Eww.
* After our heroes ditch the crazy guy, they get to a real town, where the woman finally gives birth.  Sadly, she dies.  On the plus side, we get a scene that would later show up in.
* This drives our hero to rage and to abandon the kid in town.  He tracks down 'Jack' and kills all of his men, wounding him as well.  He mocks the guy by shaving casually in front of him, before finally killing the man.
* With everyone dead or missing, our hero wanders off into the desert.  The End.

This movie is not all that bad, but there are some issues.  The set-up is unique and the characters are pretty fleshed-out.  However, pacing is a bit off and it moves slow in some places.  The musical score is interesting, even if it is a bit redundant.  I get that it's part of a theme, but it still bugged me.  In addition, major events pop up all of a sudden and feel rushed...followed by some meandering scenes.  If you are a casual Fulci fan, you will not see his influence here all the much, since this was made in 1975- before his big horror phase began.  You do get some crazy gunshot gore in the beginning though, if that's enough for you.  Of course, bear in mind that your opinion of this will be heavily swayed by your opinion about the entire Western genre.  No matter how you feel though, this is still 1,000x better than Gerry.

Up next, a week of Larry Cohen films.  First on my agenda, a film about random murders, a pimp and theology.  Plus, look for a cameo by- of all people- Andy Kauffman.  Stay tuned...

Buy the DVD!: Cat in the Brain

As with fitting in this week's theme of Fulci films, it's important to note the Special Feature on the DVD of this weird-ass movie.

The DVD contains a bit of video regarding one of Lucio's few U.S. convention appearances from 1994.  He talks to fans and even speaks about his older films like The Beyond getting a Laserdisc release!  Wow, that will be relevant for...a year.  While short, this is a rarity.

Up next, a cannibal film with a bit of a Special Feature that has some meaty content about one of its stars.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Pulse 3- Invasion

Pulse sounds like it was an okay film, although it is a remake of a foreign horror movie that is repopulated with teenagers.  Pulse II is utter crap and barely ties together with the first film.  Many deaths are just random and plot points are either built up too much (the family relationship dynamic) or not enough (who is the guy in all red?).  Now I'm reviewing the third film in the series...even though these last two were made for the DVD market and feature none of the stars.  Basically, humanity is overrun with ghosts from the internet and lives a life without technology.  In the wake of her parents' deaths, our heroine is now an angst-ridden teen.  I'm already losing interest, so let's log right into...

Our story begins with a man (veteran of crap like this Ryder Strong) doing a web-cam chat with his lady friend in Egypt.  Mind you, they never address how much this costs, especially given the distance involved.  He wakes up one morning to find her running around- apparently with a wireless web camera on her phone...I guess- and narrowly avoiding death.  She runs to the roof and shows that she has been infected with the virus.  A moment later, she is run down by a truck.  The film proper begins by establishing that everyone lives like they are in the middle of the great depression.  They are being given a lecture about how technology is evil and how we don't need it.  This lecture feels like it was torn right out Reign of Fire, but let's just go with it.  Our heroine is in the back and treating this like Linda Fiorentino did with The Lord's Prayer in Dogma.  Having our character act like a complete bitch in her first scene- golden!  Eventually, she discovers a beat-up laptop and turns it on.  Since she is not an adult in Pulse II, she doesn't treat it like the monkeys did the Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

Instead, she starts talking to a man on the other end and decides to go to Detroit.  Yeah right, who would go to Detroit willingly?!?  She ends up at a farm and meets with a third-rate Ossie Davis.  He freaks out at the sight of her computer, but lets her stay...provided that it stays locked up.  She leaves in the morning, but is tricked by him and not given her laptop.  When she runs back, he smacks her in the face with a bat (ow!) and chains her up Black Snake Moan-style.  He decides to sacrifice her to the spirits that stay around his house, the main one being his dead wife.  However, when she appears, her only interest appears to be in pulling out a digital shotgun and killing herself...only to come back and do it again.  Eventually, she stops long enough to kill the man, but spares our heroine.  Not thrown off by this, she keeps going, but ends up at the home of Dressed In Red Man based on advice of her pen pal.  By the way, one scene of them talking via IM lasts about five minutes- scintillating!  Anyhow, in a plot point right out of I Am Legend, Dressed in Red Man has one of the ghosts locked up in a cell coated in red tape.  He locks our heroine in and gives a long speech.  Let's just fast-forward, shall we?

Basically, his whole thing is explaining that the random thing he got in Pulse II is designed to counteract the ghosts...which is why they're still here 10 years later.  He's part of a cabal that is going to wipe out the ghosts by nuking the Earth with about 84 bombs!  During his monologue, our heroine cuts a hole in the red tape and the thing attacks him in one of the worst green screen shots made for a commercial film.  She leaves and finally meets up with her digital pen pal, who turns out to be one of the ghost people too!  She uses some random doo-hickey she stole from Dressed In Red Man and turns him human.  When she asks him about his survival, the young woman learns that he killed everyone around him to protect himself.  This upsets her and she smashes the computer...finally.  He's now trapped in limbo again and she leaves with a dog she randomly picked up somewhere.  Out in the woods, the digital ghost of Red Man is back to get her and tackles her.  Before he can turn her, the bombs start to go off in the atmosphere and the E.M.P. effect wipes him out.  The film ends with bombs going off everywhere in a Dr. Strangelove fashion and our heroine talking about how the Mennonites will live on.  The End?

This movie is not good for a lot of reasons.  To start off, there is barely any real plot.  Our heroine is not exactly likable and endangers everyone on Earth with her crap.  She only leaves because she sees a guy get stabbed for using a phone.  On top of that, her random pit stops are just odd.  To make matters worse, barely any outdoors footage was shot on location and is, instead, bad green screen work.  In many ways, it is worse than in Pulse II, if only because they do use some real outdoor locations at times.  Looking back though, none of this is really a surprise.  We're dealing with the second Direct-to-DVD sequel to a sub-par remake of a foreign horror movie.  What should we expect- Rashomon?!?

Up next, I've got one more Fulci review for you.  No zombies here, folks.  Instead, you get...the Old West.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Pumpkinhead

Turkey is a great country if you like weird, terrible movies.  Take the popular internet-released film Turkish Rambo or the infamous Turkish Star Wars for example.  Now, their reign of terror is not just related to their own films, but extends to the posters of other movies.  Take the film Pumpkinhead...

Wow, what film did you watch?  This looks more like a bad Fulci film poster than anything else!

Is that a velociraptor or the 'lady parts' from Teeth growing out of her face.  Plus, who is trying to recreate the famous eye-cutting scene from Un Chien Andalou?!?  I demand answers!

Next up, a story goes from a Stephen King book to an '80s film to a really disturbing, Foreign poster.  Stay tuned...

(Fun With) Fulci Week: City of the Living Dead

Let's close up the official week (one more for Sunday) of Fulci reviews with a strong, weird one.  This is the film that really built upon his success with Zombie Flesh Eaters and made him a big, international name.  Never mind the fact that the man was actually making political comedies in his home country (seriously, look it up!) for years, as well as Giallo films and Western.  So what is this plot about?  Well, in a word: zombies.  In two words: teleporting zombies.  I'd elaborate on that more, but I'd rather let the film speak for itself.  This is...

The film begins with a priest going into a cemetery and hanging himself.  Well, that at least saves on the transportation costs!  While this is going on, a group of psychics are channeling some spiritual energy and discover a phenomenon.  As the priest dies, you see, some massive mojo gets released and one of the Seven Doors to Hell is opened up.  This has something to do with a culmination of the town's location- Dunwich is the former town of Salem- and its past history.  When this reaches its crescendo, the lead psychic dies suddenly!  The police look into the death & are a bit skeptical until fire shoots up from the ground.  One of the psychics talks about a book, which seems to upset some unknown force.  Two random, spectral events in about three minutes- that's a record!  A reporter (Christopher George) comes by, but is not told anything.  He decides to look into this himself, which means a trip to the local graveyard on the next day.  Once there, he meets some graveworkers who leave the body of the woman in a half-filled grave due to union rules.  Wow, I didn't realize that Fulci was a Republican!  As he goes to leave, the woman comes to life in her grave.  Of course, he nearly kills her in the process of trying to free her!  Back in Dunwich, a fog is rolled in and freaky crap is starting to happen.

The narrative gets a little confusing as we are split between the reporter-psychic duo, two local residents and a bunch of random people.  The gist of it: zombies are popping up (and in) and killing people.  One resident named Bob runs away from a woman being killed and is made the prime suspect by locals.  Another duo is killed as the undead priest shows up and forces the woman to vomit up her guts.  By the way, thanks for not calling me on placing the reference wrongly before, guys!  In a bit of silly writing/dubbing, a policeman finds a pile of gore, viscera and worms & comments 'What in the Dickens is that?'  First, that's a bit light and second, what kind of Dickens stories were you reading buddy?!?  The reporter-psychic manage to leave town without questioning from anyone (really?!?) and drive towards Dunwich, stopping for directions at a Church.  Does this part add anything?  No, not really.  In town, the woman is haunted by mysterious appearances and calls her guy friend over.  Their investigation is cut short when a dead girl kills her parents and targets her brother.  I would also be remiss without mentioning how poor Bob gets killed with a drill press through the head.  Alas poor weirdo with an unspecified past.  Finally, at the one hour mark, our divergent pairs of heroes meet up...and are greeted by a hail of maggots.  Nice, Lucio!

They talk about how they need to find the priest's body before All Saint's Day or Hell will be opened up for good.  Of course, they sit around for a while and barely show any haste about this!  When they split up, the local woman is killed in seconds by the zombie girl, who rips open the back of her skull.  When the she-zombie confronts the guy, he closes his eyes tightly and she disappears.  Um, okay.  Eventually, they rush to the cemetery, but it's too late.  In spite of this, they go down into giant, underground crypt that the priest is buried in, only to find the body kicked its way out.  All of a sudden, the zombie girl appears again and rips open Christopher's head too!  I guess this one of those 'zombies get stronger in death' films.  The others flee, but are cornered by a host of zombies and the Priest.  When their former friend shows up, they stab her and she falls over within a second.  Wow, that was easy.  The Priest begins to cast his weird 'vomit up your guts' spell on the other woman, so the man stabs him in the gut with a cross.  Naturally, this causes him to light on fire, as well as the other zombies.  They escape and meet the kid, but the movie randomly has them screaming for some reason.  Um, why exactly?!?

Yeah, this movie is very, very weird.  The premise is a unique one and it is interesting to see a zombie outbreak explained, especially when it's not due to some bio-weapon.  What I don't get are all the weird rules set up here.  Why does the Priest have powers now?  Why does every zombie get the ability to teleport?  Obviously this is not your normal zombie, but could you bothered to explain anything?  I know that this is asking a lot from a Fulci film, but try please!  That said, the gore is gooey and great.  While not all of it makes sense and fits (the 'gut vomiting' bit really makes more sense for The Beyond), they are all entertaining.  As for the acting, it is hard to judge that since every version I see sounds dubbed...or was done with bad audio equipment.  For his part, Christopher plays up the swagger of his character, complete with stubble (occasionally) and a cigar.  It sometimes seems out of place here, but let's just go with it!  If you like Fulci and haven't seen this, do so now.  It's a defining film for him- good or bad.

Up next, Blockbuster Trash closes up the Pulse trilogy with the final film.  Is it good?  I'm talking about Pulse 3 here- take a guess!  Stay tuned...

Note: This review is going to be part of May's edition of the Final Girl Film Club.  Check out her page here: http://finalgirl.blogspot.com

(Fun With) Fulci Week: Door Into Silence

The time is 1991.  The place is Italy.  Lucio Fulci is reaching the tale end of his career (he made one film after this) and his life (he died in 1996).  It's at this point that he tries to do something new.  After starting out in Giallo and Westerns (see Sunday's review), he found his niche in horror with Zombie Flesh Eaters.  After over a decade of that, he tried this film genre out for size: psychological thriller.  What does that mean for you?  No blood, no guts and no zombies.  As a bonus, he is not credited in the U.S. credits for either the writing or the directing...as two different people.  While strange, this does give us one of the funniest pseudonyms in cinematic history: H. Simon Kittay.  Seriously, who thought of this stupid-ass name?!?  Anyhow, this is...

The film begins with a man at a funeral in New Orleans.  Who's it for?  Why is he there?  That's not entirely too clear, nor is the movie's showing us a man crashing his car into a moving truck.  The man goes to leave in his car, but him and the other cars must wait for the funeral procession/marching band to pass by.  Did I mention that this movie is a thriller, by the way?  He makes eyes at a nice-looking woman of the African-American persuasion before driving off towards home.  This is where the movie gets kind of weird, so let's just go with it...

* The man constantly does dumb things: he drives down a road blocked off for flooding and tries to cross a small, wooden bridge in his car.  They never end well.

* After driving through a giant puddle, he has to stop and get it checked.  He runs into the woman & stops at a hotel...for like 20 minutes.  While he's in the bathroom getting ready to make whoopee with her, she leaves.  Um, okay.
* He runs across a hearse on a two-lane road and tries to get in front of him.  A five-minute long, sped-up chase scene ensues and ...just ends.  This happens about three more times.

* He drives some more and gets the sun in his eyes.  This happens about three more times.

* He picks up a young lady and tries to have sex with her, but can't force himself to.  She simply leaves.
* Finally, he ends up on a ferry and sees the hearse there.  With the police like 8 feet away, he tries to open the coffin inside.  It doesn't end well.
* After seeing his psychic sister (why not?) and freaking her out with his appearance, he chases the hearse again.  Out of nowhere, a truck runs him down, showing us the crash from the beginning....Of course, all of the mystery and subtlety is killed by the film's last shot...

This movie is not bad, but it is a bit confused.  I mean, I get that this is all some sort of metaphor for his impending demise.  That said, there are many holes in this story.  If the hearse he's chasing is not real, what is the one on the boat?  If the hearse he's chasing is real, why is the guy gunning it and not letting our hero pass?  If the mysterious woman is the Grim Reaper (suck on it, Brad Pitt), how come she knows people in town?  I'm sorry Lucio, but this movie is a real drag to watch.  I suppose I can't fault you for trying something new, but I can fault you for making a film I couldn't finish in one sitting.  To be fair, I should mention that this film is produced by Joe D'amato (and even features Laura Gemser as its Costume Designer), so maybe we can blame him.  Either way, I'm attacking a dead guy (or Ms. Black Emmanuelle).

Next up, the long-awaited review of a Fulci classic.  Zombies?  Check.  Gore?  Check.  Teleportation?  Big check!  Stay tuned...

Faith and Begorrah: Leprechaun 2

Damn you for interrupting my week of Fulci appreciation (sort of), St. Patrick's Day!  It's a good thing that you only come up with once a year!  There's got to be an up-side to this.  So what is on the agenda for today?  Oh, it's that movie.  Well, I guess it's been a long time since I talked about this series, so let's just jump right into...

The film begins- appropriately enough- in Ireland 1,000 years ago...and about fifteen years.  A man runs away, but is captured by the titular villain via a metal collar placed around his neck.  Apparently, this being the 1,000th birthday of the Leprechaun, he gets to pick a bride.  Man, you thought it was bad that Pon Farr was every seven years!  As it turns out, the woman our villain picks to marry is the young daughter of the man and will be his if he can make her sneeze three times without someone saying 'god bless you.'  As the third one approaches, the man says the magic words and she is spared.  Of course, he is killed and the Leprechaun vows to wait another 1,000 years, looking through his magic scroll of the man's future lineage as the opening credits roll.  In the present day, a young man is conning some people into taking a cheap tour around Los Angeles to see the homes of dead celebrities.  By the way, random cameos by Clint Howard and character actress Kimmy Robertson as tourists.  The young man wants to ditch the tour to go on a date, but the owner is drunk.  Time for Plan B!

So the Leprechaun wakes up in the present day, emerges from his home in a tree (just go with it) and steals a bum's gold tooth.  The girl ditches our hero when the car stops and he gets so upset that he runs a light.  At the police station, the toothless bum is brought in and nobody believes his story.  I get that, but what do you think happened to his tooth?!?  While this is going on, a friend of the girl's hits on her and she lets him, trying to make her boyfriend realize what he might lose.  The guy makes a move on her, but, after being shot down, seems to get a second shot.  The actress...'s body double flashes her breasts at him, although this is actually a plot by the Leprechaun.  The breasts are actually fans and he dies...off-camera.  Back at his home, the young man sulks in front of his random shots of Chamber of Horrors before running off to see her.  At her house, the Leprechaun reveals himself and tells her his plans.  He dispatches the boy by dropping some pots next to him and steals the girl away to his...tree.  With the collar on, she can't get away.  Meanwhile, the man talks to his boss and learns that there are ways to stop a Leprechaun...but they may not work here.

At a bar (re-use the sets much?), the Leprechaun shows up with some hostile intent.  The boss challenges him to a drinking game, which is cheered on by a group of midgets.  Random cameo by Tony Cox as well!  Incidentally, nobody sees that this yellow, pock-marked thing is anything but human!  When this fails, they lead the Leprechaun to the go-cart track from earlier (again?).  Of course, he stops by a coffee bar and kills off future Mad TV star Michael McDonald...for no reason.  Since iron can't be hurt by him, they trap him in the large, iron safe.  The boss tries to get the creature's pot of gold as a reward, so it teleports the object into his stomach and kills him!  The young man runs onto the track- always a good idea- and is confronted by the Leprechaun in a custom-made go-kart.  The guard with him is killed, but the boy cannot be, since he has one of the Leprechaun's gold coins.  Eventually, he gets to the tree and tries to free his girlfriend, whose own plan to kill the creature failed earlier.  They run around and can't get free, since the place is magic or something.  Eventually, they get tricked and lose the coin...only to trick the Leprechaun and kill him with a magic stick...or something.  We get a sequel teaser ending set-up, but no follow-up.  Okay then.

This movie is bad, but does at least try to differ itself from the first one.  The set-up is a bit weird and never quite elaborated on.  Why does he have to wait 1,000 years?  Why does he only get one shot at it?  Why does he string the guy along with no way to stop him from interfering?  Evidently, this 1,000 year old creature is a really, really dumb guy.  Is there a point where you just lose all of your gained intellect?  The special effects are silly & not all that impressive.  Like the Subspecies films, most of the budget clearly went into the Leprechaun make-up and whatever was left over got used for the digital stuff.  The directors' rant in the audio commentary for Max Magician & The Legend of the Rings may have a point.  In it, they talk about how people are 'cave-racists' and use fake caves.  In this film, the tree interior would look bad in a cereal commercial!  Do yourself a favor and skip the first three films of the series.  Leprechaun 4 In Space and Leprechaun in the Hood- those are gold!

Up next, Lucio Fulci's second-to-last film gets some attention.  What's it about?  Driving and...well, driving.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: The New Adventures of He-Man

Who doesn't love He-Man?  Okay, besides you weirdos on the internet who are trying to make him out to be gay and see sub-text in everything.  I'm not here to talk about that iconic Filmation series.  Instead, I'm here to talk about it's sequel...

The story begins by having a group of people from the future arrive in Eternia via a spaceship (damn you, retroGRADE!) and seeking out it's hero: He-Man.  Unfortunately, they run into Skeletor first, who tricks them.  Ultimately, He-Man defeats Skeletor (for now) and agrees to go with them to save their future world.  Before he goes, he reveals his dual identity to his parents, a serious plot point that has no value, since they never showed him return.  By the way, He-Man doesn't realize that he could be gone for years and return a mere second later, I guess.

Anyhow, He-Man goes with them, while Skeletor sneaks on board for the trip.  They both arrive a great new world full of advanced technology, nice people and- by the way, space pirate surrounding the entire place!  Skeletor joins up with a group of them after they are defeated by He-Man.

The series is pretty conventional- save for the new characters and location- and features the usual battles of good vs. evil and some random character episodes.  A couple things stand out of note...

* One story revolves around Skeletor seeking out a crystal to increase his strength.  In the end, he has seemingly-lost when the crystal is destroyed.  However, he actually got the power first and kept it for the rest of the series!

* The cast is full of characters with ridiculous names and one-trick-pony powers.  For example, you have Slushhead, Staghorn and Flipshot.

* Lastly, he has a very peculiar ally: Sagitar, a half-man/half-man centaur.  I'll give you a moment to process that and then show you his toy.

That's The New Adventures of He-Man in a nutshell.  A weird and quirky take on the character featuring aliens and spaceships instead of swords and magic.  It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but delivers all of the conventional fun that Saturday morning cartoons gave us.  Why I don't remember ever seeing it as a kid is beyond me.  If you've never heard of it, give it a look.  It may not blow your mind, but it's something of note still.

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Up next, a pair of updates looking at the two shows based on everyone's favorite green lizard.  Stay tuned...

(Fun With) Fulci Week: Demonia

All of you expecting my review of City of the Living Dead will just have to wait a little longer.  Don't blame me- blame the bad DVD sent to me.  I hope I can appease you with some horror and nun-sploitation from Mr. Fulci instead.  This film came out in 1990, which is the same year that also gave us Cat in the Brain.  This was truly a banner year in the Fulci house, huh?  Our story involves a group of people uncovering the nunnery of some sisters from the 16th Century who got on the wrong side of the nearby village.  I'm sure this will end peacefully...right?  Let's put on our habits and embrace...

The film begins with the flogging and crucifixion of the nuns for some untold offense in Rome.  Man, nuns haven't had it this bad since that little incident at St. Valentine's!  You may say that this sounds a lot like the bit from the beginning of The Beyond with the artist.  Yes, yes it is.  Anyhow, some archaeologists show up to look at the Greek influence on the area and nothing else.  Of course, you need to tell that to the psychic lady who passed out at a seance earlier while viewing the events of the beginning.  The head of the expedition (Brett Halsey) does his best to keep things in line, but is not exactly successful.  So, the lady starts seeing visions, people start getting killed and our hero tries to keep up with things.  Here are the highlights...

* A local resident and source of information is attacked by a topless ghost with a harpoon gun who kills him.  Why?  How?  Are you really asking this in a Fulci film?

* A woman is attacked by her cats and mauled to death.  If you like funny deaths, just watch the scene for the obvious cat puppets.

* Lucio Fulci shows up as a detective and actually has a major role here!  I know who you're role model is, M. Night!

* We see a flashback to two scenes of brutal violence.  One man is stabbed and bled to death post-coitus & a baby is tossed into a fire!  Wow...these add nothing to the story.  Thanks.

* A man is attacked in his deli freezer by a ghost and has his tongue stabbed down to board.  Which is worse- the stabbing or being hit with a chunk of Porterhouse?

* In a bit of odd editing, a man chases down a nun who is kidnapping his son, only to be tied down to a tree a moment later.  When did that happen?  How did that happen?  Keep an eye out for the really fake-looking chest cover for the guy.

* In the end, the woman is chased by the mob and morphs into one of the nuns.  After some weird flashes, she returns to normal.  The End.  Wait, what?!?

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Yeah, this movie is really, really weird.  The whole idea is that the woman is channeling the spirits of the dead nuns...I guess.  They never really elaborate on any of this, so we're just supposed to just go with it.  None of it is really bad (i.e. Sodoma's Ghost), but it doesn't really make much sense either (i.e. every Fulci film).  This is better about being a collection of words that tie together the gore scenes than some of the other films.  However, if you look at this like a normal narrative, you'll be a bit disappointed.  This film came on the tail end of Fulci's career and did nothing to disprove the perceptions of him.  If you're a fan, you'll enjoy it as much as his films like The Beyond or City of the Living Dead.  If you're not, you'll wonder what the hell he was on.

Next up, Lucio brings us...HOLY SHIT, it's a holiday!  Faith and begorrah, I'll get out my Leprechaun.  Stay tuned...