Great Moments in Stock Footage: Puppet Master- The Legacy

Hot off the heels of a Full Moon release that was a clip-show disguised as a movie, here is a movie that is almost all a clip-show.  There's a subtle difference there.

The movie's plot is pretty easy to summarize.  A mean lady with a gun tracks down a friend of Andre Toulon's and tries to force information out of him.  This leads to an audio tape of Toulon being played in which he recounts all of the movie's plots- at least, the ones he's alive in.  The narrative gets a bit blurry as one of the other leads speaks on the tape too.  Did they just do a narration duet?

There are some curious choices here though.  A good majority of the film is centered around clips from Puppet Master 3, which take up a good twenty minutes.  Other ones, like Puppet Master 2, get two scenes and then the story moves on.  By the way, random cameo by Sarah Douglas, the queen of bad movie sequels in Part 3!  It also has Richard Lynch and Seinfeld's Mr. Pitt as Nazis!

In addition, if you have not seen these movies, you will be a bit confused by the order chosen.  They begin with Part 7, jump to Part 3, followed by Parts 1, 5, 4, 6 and end with Part 2.  The idea is that it is all in chronological order, mind you, but not in series order.  Maybe you guys should not randomly go back and make prequels...and then prequels to those films!

As a bonus, the movie ends with a twist, as the woman is actually trying to find a way to kill the puppets permanently.  Evidently, she was hired by other puppets...who are not evil.  Only in a Full Moon film.

As a side note, why would you conclude a series with a film that teases more?  It's called 'wrapping it up' for a reason!

Next in the series, Full Moon just says 'screw you' to using one of its stars and uses stock footage.  Good people, The Bands.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Cube Zero

The Cube series is often overlooked in comparison to the film series that could not exist without it: Saw.  Mind you, the idea of people waking up in a mysterious place and trying to decipher why goes back at least as far as The Twilight Zone, but the inspiration is clear.  The biggest problem, I think, is that most people don't think of it as a series.  They either see Cube or, more commonly, Cube 2: Hypercube on its own, not realizing that there are more films.  In fact, there is this third- or zero- film in the series that attempts to explain everything.  Hopefully, it works out better than Saw III, which has needed Saw IV, V and VI to explain it.  Maybe by Saw XIII, we will get all the issues worked out.  Until then, check out my review of...

Cube Zero

The film begins with a group of people waking up in a Cube and wandering where the hell they are.  Wow, what a unique way to start the film.  I get that it is the staple of the series, but could you mix it up a little?  Well, in answer to my question, they do just that.  The bulk of the movie is built around the two guys who sit in some mysterious room and control the basic functions of the Cube.  Are these the villains of the whole series?  Well, no.  As it turns out, these guys- an older guy and a younger one with glasses- are just 'cogs in the machine' who follow a manual and do what they are supposed to.  They also wear green jumpsuits like Mike Nelson from Mystery Science Theater 3000, which was a bit distracting for me.  Anyhow, the younger guy shows the he is starting to question everything, while the older guy is pretty much a tool at this point.  It does not help when a cute blond ends up in the Cube and the young gets the hots for her.  In a new addition to the series, he monitors a dream of hers and sees her being captured & separated from her daughter.  He begins to feel bad for her and starts to question the program.  As they explain, the Cube is designed as a way to test out bio-weapons and military tech before it is put into the field.  Damn, I was hoping that it was aliens!  In addition, the workers are told that everyone is a volunteer criminal.  I wonder what will happen when he realizes that she is not...

*

We learn a bit more about these people, as well some more about the people in the cube.  The woman begins to figure out that there is a pattern to it, with each room being marked with some series of letters.  They also are smart enough to test each room by dangling their shoes into them, although that only gets them so far.  Back in the control room, the young guy gets even more doubts when he discovers an article listing the woman as a protester against the Cube Project.  I'm sorry, but if you're publicly-protesting a super-secret government operation, getting stuck in a giant death box is the least of your worries!  The movie also does not explain how people found out about this, so I guess it's not important!  The straw that breaks the camel's back is when one man gets to the Exit Room (that's not redundant or anything!) and must be tested.  Apparently, your freedom is based on how you answer a few questions whilst chained up in a black void.  Since the guy says that he does not believe in God anymore, he is fried.  I should mention two things: that guy used to be their co-worker and the reason for this question is never addressed.  For a movie designed to explain things, you have a lot of unexplained things!

*

The big turn comes when the young man decides to go in and save the people.  Of course, he is too late to save the guy who gets filled with flesh-eating bacteria AND exploded with sonics (don't ask).  Since our hero has Eidetic Memory, he figures that he can walk them through to the exit.  Never mind that he knows the exit only leads to the place where they burn you alive...  The man's plan is unfortunately thrown for a loop when his bosses- one of whom has a cybernetic eye-patch!- hit a button that makes all the letters melt.  You want to explain how that is physically possible, movie?  No?  Okay then.  In spite of this, they do a pretty good job of getting around, although the soldier guy does get killed, only to come back as a Universal Soldier...I mean, something completely original.  Oh and to make matters worse, they only have about five minutes to get out before the whole thing 'wipes itself clean.'  Translation: people gonna die!  Given the actual time spent escaping, the drama is a bit silly.  The woman makes it out past some sort of body of water, but the guy does not.  He wakes up in the clutches of his masters and is given a nice lobotomy to keep his 'super genius' in check.  He ends up back in the Cube, apparently in an attempt to make this all tie together.  Anyone buying it?  The End.

*

This movie is not bad, but it is certainly not a great film either.  On one hand, I applaud the filmmakers for trying to explain two movies that defy all explanation.  On the other hand, doesn't it almost seem better if you don't know?  The mystery of the Cube is just that the military/government are assholes that test weaponry out on whoever they don't like.  I suppose it is better than a plan involving eggs from Mars being shipped across the world in fruit baskets sent by an AWOL astronaut (Contamination).  That or a bizarre scheme involving killing people in front of a young woman in order to impress her, since her mother was a serial killer that you admired (Dario Argento's Opera).  As far as being the third- and last- film in a series, the movie does attempt some new ideas, as well as having characters act smarter than the previous ones.  Ultimately though, it does not do enough to distinguish it from the other movies in terms of setting (not that it really could, I guess), gore level and/or story.  The whole thing is pretty self-contained, however, and does not require previous viewing of the series to be enjoyed.  It's worth a look if you liked the two Cube films and wondered 'why the hell is this going on?!?'

*

Up next, is that me covering the sequel to an Academy Award winning film?  I must have some sort of alterior motive.  Stay tuned...

500th Post Special!!!: The Asylum's Monster

Anyone who has ever been to this site has to have at least picked up the fact that I am not a fan of The Asylum.  While I can applaud their ability to get low-budget movies out on a regular basis, what they turn out is usually terrible.  Occasionally, some of them are ridiculous enough to laugh at, but many of them ruin any good premise with bad writing and uneven pacing.  They even found a way to make parts of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus boring, by giving away their best stuff early (the shark attacking the plane) and making most of it about talking heads instead of monsters.  Meanwhile, their came a film a while back that had a huge amount of hype to it, but failed to deliver quality: Cloverfield.  While I'm sure that many of you don't hate it as much as I do, the consensus is that the movie is a mostly-wasted opportunity.  You take a unique premise, but then make it into a monster movie which constantly cuts away from the monster.  It's like the fight choreography from Batman Begins, only done on purpose to save money!  Naturally, given the success of the film, their had to be a rip-off by The Asylum.  Here's what I thought: this will either be good (by mathematically combining two negatives) or utter shit.  Guess which one it was?  If you had not guessed, check out my review of...

The film begins by telling us everything that is going to happen.  Okay, not quite everything, but you get my drift.  A massive earthquake hit Tokyo in 2003 and killed thousands...but it wasn't an earthquake.  Given the giant tendrils on the DVD and Menu boxes, this teasing is a bit pointless, guys!  In its defense, Cloverfield did not begin with 'Holy shit!  Something really bad happens!'  The leads are two young women who are going to Tokyo to film a documentary about climate change.  First, we get some ponderous scenes of our two characters getting ready for their trip before we are treated to the most pretentious- and illogical- part of the whole thing: the title card that reads 'A Film by Sarah and Erin Lynch.'  This makes absolutely no sense in the context of the movie, but you'll see that for yourself later.  After a little bit more filler (mostly just to show the few bits filmed in Tokyo), an earthquake happens.  The girls are rushed down to a basement, at least we are told that.  They leave and they are just suddenly in one.  Apparently, they can travel like Jason in Friday the 13th, Part VIII.  Also, the place is poorly-lit and could just very well be the same room from before!  We get some weird talk about secrets before a random American guy shows up to help them.  Hurray!

After a random scene where the sister with the camera circles around her sister and the man, we get random running and a dramatic cut, followed by a fade to black.  Get used to that, it only happens sixty-five more times!  Off-camera, the man is killed by...um, something.  Vagueness, thy name is Monster.  They wander around some more, followed by more wandering around.  This brings up one point that Cloverfield has over this movie: the cast.  That movie has several, varied characters, while this movie has two sisters.  Sure, the people in that movie suck, but at least the attention is spread out amongst them.  In addition, the Blair Witch comparisons are hard to ignore, especially given that these characters are mopey and, wait for it, lost.  You're in Tokyo- find a big building and go in there!  As if the movie could not get any worse, they wander into the woods...which are right next to the city, only for the creature to show up in one of its four flash-appearances in the movie.  I give Cloverfield crap for showing so little of the monster, but it has this movie beat by a mile!  It attacks near them- don't try to figure out how or why- which causes them to fall in a cave/crater.  Great- now you're in the dark!

As if it was not clear, this movie was made after the Cloverfield trailer was released so it could make the release date.  As such, they tried to guess a lot of the film or match footage.  Hence our heroes ending up in a dank, dark structure for a few minutes.  Of course, they get out and head back to the city...which they just fled from.  On the plus side, the older sister delivers this iconic line: 'That's not snakes- it's gas!!'  Back in the city, they wander into a sushi restaurant, which seems to have a basement kitchen.  The monster's tentacles actually shoot by in one shot, but nobody seems to react to it.  Hmm, maybe you should leave this place!  They leave after another attack- which is off-camera- and the old man dies, but not before he delivers more vague talk about a monster wanting revenge.  Does this ever get resolved?  Nope.  After running into numerous people- including a news crew- they make it to the U.S. Embassy, only to find it in rubble.  We get another 'there's no hope' speech, followed by the older sister talking about how they should not film this, even though it was all her idea in the first place!  Blah blah blah, they meet some more Japanese people, random explosions go off and the monster's tentacles appear in full-frame for about twenty seconds.  The movie abruptly ends and explains that the girls were never seen again.  Who gave them a directing credit then?!?  The End.

 This movie is utter, utter shit.  The direction is terrible, the plot is minimal and the pacing is horrendous.  The whole thing is built around people whining, the camera shaking and running around.  There really is not much more to it than that.  On top of that, the movie teases you on several occasions with the idea of explaining why the monster is there, what the monster is or how the hell this is happening?  They never do.  Instead, they are obsessed with finding every possible way to mess with the footage to make it look 'gritty.'  I should also note that the two leads are credited as cinematographers, which does explain a lot...if they aren't just lying again.  The movie is also rife with plot holes and stupidity.  If the monster is a squid, how is he attacking everywhere?  Is he underneath the city somehow?  I just checked Google Earth and Tokyo is way too far away for it to be attacking it.  This is not even taking into account the idea of a squid attacking out of the water and not for food!  As I said, the movie was made based on Cloverfield's trailer, which is why you get 100 instances of the monster roar- which comes out of the water?- and nearly no monster.  Plus, look at how well they guessed about the monster.  So close!  In summary, this movie is like Cloverfield, only without an exploding lady to help redeem it.  I can wait another 500 posts before I see anything like this again!

Next up, I delve into a group of Forgotten Sequels.  First on the agenda, a prequel to a film series that never explains anything.  This movie is designed to explain it, so, um, yea.  Stay tuned...

Corman-osity: Deathsport (1978)

As I mentioned in my teaser, this is not a review that I forgot.  Instead, I put off this for quite a while due to David Carradine's untimely death.  I just felt it was in poor taste to joke about his movies, let alone one with 'Death' in the title!  Well, it's been over six months now, so the time has finally come.  This movie is the weird middle child in Carradine's Corman Trilogy, which consists of Death Race 2000, Deathsport and The Warrior & The Sorceress.  But wait, you say, these films have nothing in common?  Au contrare!  Race is set in the future and features vehicular manslaughter.  Sport is set in a post-apocalyptic time and features vehicular manslaughter, with a side of barbarians.  Warrior features barbarians, plus a magical sword.  It all flows, people!  Anyhow, I am here to talk about the middle film and not the rest.  Sarcasm- don't fail me now!  This is...

Deathsport

Basically, a whole bunch of shit went down.  Evidently, something called the Neutron Wars went down and made humanity turn to crap.  There are assorted city states that live independently of the wrecked and nigh-uninhabitable wastelands.  You may notice that, aside from the apocalypse stuff, this may sound similar to the plot of Land of the Dead.  Yes, yes it is.  The landscape is being inhabited by men known as Range Guides, hairy men in small outfits that act savage.  If you wanted another film in which Carradine wore almost no clothes, this is...well, another one.  He wanders around, but gets attacked by a group of soldiers that belong to one of the city states.  Amongst their weaponry are such diverse elements as Whistlers (see-through plastic swords), Death Machines (motorcycles with plates on them) and laser guns that appear to be un-mounted spotlights.  The effects used on these things are just damn ridiculous and one of the film's highlights.  He runs across a female guide who has a young girl that she tries to protect.  Since the story needs a push forward, that does not happen.  Instead, the group gets captured by one of the evil guys in the city that is definitely not Dennis Hopper and forced to compete in Death Sport.  I never would have guessed!

*

The film gets pretty weird and crazy from here on out, so try to keep up.  The lady gets put into some sort of weird psychedelic torture that requires her to be topless.  Well, when you hire a Playboy Bunny...  The group is forced into Death Sport, which resembles high stakes paintball more than anything with 'Death' in it.  The head honcho has a fun time with a hooker and gets choked to death.  I thought that this was a build-up to something else, but no, he just died.  In his place, crazed Ankar Moor (Richard Lynch) has a beef against Carradine's character and really wants to battle him to the death.  Hey guys, let's give him what he wants!  Richard Lynch vs. Carradine!  This will be exciting...oh, he's dead now.  Never mind.  There's a little bit more to it than that, but you get the drift.  Hairy guys = good.  Nazi guys with spotlight lasers = bad.  The End.

*

This movie is very weird, but I like it.  So much of it is just weirdness for weirdness' sake, which I'm totally down with!  Carradine is about as deadpan as he was in most of these movies, failing to really cut loose like he did in Death Race 2000.  Incidentally, I do feel odd using the expression 'deadpan' in regards to Carradine- thanks for asking.  This movie has Lynch chewing up the scenery like usual, so it has that going for it.  Oh yeah, there are also explosions, post-production lasers and plastic swords.  This movie is dramatically-overshadowed by the previous film, which is actually the same case as with Warrior.  It is honestly a shame, since the movie has a nice, low-budget charm.  It makes no damn sense, but it actually thrives because of that.  Does it lack the unsubtle political commentary of Death Race 2000?  Yes.  Does it have lasers?  Hell yeah!

*

Next up, I celebrate 500 posts here.  I do this by forcing myself to watch a movie that combines two things that I hate: Cloverfield and The Asylum!  Be very afraid, people!  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Mystics in Bali

This film was actually very controversial when it came out.  In fact, it was banned in Indonesia- the country that it was made in!  The thing only got seen in its own country by way of pirated VHS copies. 

Geez, even Cannibal Holocaust could be viewed in Italy, just nowhere else!

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Scanner Cop 2

I already got a full review out of this movie, so why not one more?  There are actually a couple that merit mentioning from this movie, so I'll just save one for later.  I have plans for it...

Right before the final battle, two random guys get killed by Volkin as he wanders around.  What they were doing in the basement of a retirement home is anyone's guess!  But, it's not over for them yet.

The titular hero's big plan involves creating illusions in order to make his nemesis expend all of his strength.  The first time, the man pictures himself blowing up the detective's head, only to see him alive.  He tries this a second time, but gets the same results.  So, what was the guy really attacking?

As it turns out, our hero was casting illusions over the dead bodies, making the villain desecrate the corpses!  Ah, to be a hero.

Next up, a law enforcement officer not only dies, but does so in a silly outfit.  Even worse, he is never even given a real name!  Stay tuned...

WTF China?!?: Seeding of a Ghost

The famous Shaw Brothers are known for many things, but their horror films are often far down on the list. Films like The Boxers Omen are often forgotten in favor of such films as The 36th Chamber of Shaolin. This says nothing about their kung-fu films, mind you, other than a positive thing about their notoriety. Enough people talk about those films, however, so let's talk about a horror one. Today's film is a movie whose plot sounds like a combination of Night of the Living Dead and The Last House on the Left. Can it possibly live up to that premise? Probably not, but let's find out. This is...

Seeding of a Ghost

The film begins by setting up the scenario that cannot possibly take a turn for the worse. We cut a nice, young couple who have a bright future. The young woman even has a nice job as a card dealer at an upper class casino. Things are going about as well as that couple from The Sinful Dwarf, so you know something has to happen. The young woman begins to fall for an older, rich guy who can give her the fancy stuff that she has always wanted. She begins to have a tryst with the guy, even going as far as hiding from her man whilst on a date.  Yeah, this is not the pleasant relationship that I was promised.  While out on a date, our heroine decides to dump her golden purse, however, and walk home.  If you were expecting logical thinking, you were looking at the wrong lady!  She runs afoul of some thugs who decide chase her to an empty house and have their way with her.  She's not keen, but they don't seem to care.  Given the title, you should not be surprised by the following statement: she dies.

*

Not surprisingly, the boyfriend is a bit upset by this news.  First off, he is considered the prime suspect, especially when it becomes clear to everyone that his wife was not exactly faithful.  He is not too keen on the idea, to say the least.  When he finds out all of the details about her attack, he is even more pissed and wants revenge.  How does that go?  Um, not well.  He gets beaten up and arrested for assault.  Because we need to include more cliches, one of the men has friends in high places and gets the protection.  Naturally, he goes with the next best option: black magic.  I know- that seemed obvious to me too.  The movie gets really good at this point, which makes sitting through the early build-up worth it.  He learns all of the magical tricks from the wizard, but learns that there are some downfalls.  The more you use black magic, the more your body gets scarred.  Well, it's still better than the explanation from Jack the Giant Killer or Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders!  To say that the movie escalates in its latter half would be a giant understatement.  You get corpse sex, blood monsters and face melting.  I won't spoil it for you...not that I could make sense of it really.  The End.

*

This movie is good, but you have to be patient.  In the beginning, it really drags its feet!  Once it picks up, the crazy shit keeps you interested through until the end.  The tone of the movie is really weird though, choosing to focus on the grim and grimy without any sign of letting up.  These black magic movies tend to either get really dark, really 'tongue-in-cheek' or both.  Honestly, the best two films to compare this to are Eternal Evil of Asia and The Queen of Black Magic.  In that regards, it is inferior to both of them, but not by a major margin.  Asia does have the weird comic bits that feel really out of place, which this film does not.  Queen has inferior special effects, but they are also less bloody.  If you have to make a choice, I would say this: if you like dark, weird and bloody, check this movie out.  It is slow-going, but really delivers in the end.  What it delivers is something I simply can't explain.

*

Next up, a David Carradine classic that involves motorcycles, laser guns and disco sex.  I gave my hero long enough of a pass, so this is totally on!  Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Stock Footage: Aliens Gone Wild

Full Moon Entertainment is famous for finding cheap ways to make a buck. On one hand, I can applaud them for their ingenuity at times. On the other hand, they blatantly trick their own audiences or pad films with stock footage- see Dollman vs. the Demonic Toys. Sometimes, they are even less subtle...

Aliens Gone Wild

This is literally just all of the alien action clips from their previous films involving aliens. They don't set-up the plots of them either. It's just 'Movie Title' and clips. What do you get here?

*Laserblast- a piece of crap that they only bought, not made. It's even worse without a plot.

*Bad Channels- Oh boy, I get to watch all the weird shit out of context. Hurray!

*Robot Jox 2- This features robots, which I guess is close enough.

*Oblivion- Ooh, the rare sci-fi western. Tell me it features a cast member from Star Trek. Oh wait, it's George Takei.

*Trancers 4- I get to re-live this movie too. Oh joy!

You get the idea. Random footage thrown together = profitable DVD. I actually own this, making it the only Full Moon DVD in my collection. Hey! Don't look at me like that! I got it as a gift.

Next up, more Full Moon retreads. Yes, they really did this more than once. Stay tuned...

Mondonesia: Mystics in Bali

This poor movie has been in review limbo and must be set free. Part of the problem, I think, is that I have seen many films in the same vein & certain ones seem to take precedence. For example, Eternal Evil of Asia was just plain nuts & had to be reviewed right away. This placed Bali and tomorrow's review- Seeding of a Ghost- on the back-burner. In addition, I have written about the film in at least one list, making me feel like I was already done with it. So what is the movie about? Basically, it is about what happens when reporters get too deep in a story. It is also about what crazy wizard lady will do to get revenge on society. Mind you, this is quite different from Queen of Black Magic, although both hail from the same country. Both films do features some bizarre and dated special effects, so that is something to look forward to. This is...

Mystics in Bali

The film begins by introducing us to our heroine- a spunky reporter who has the burning desire to get a story. The story is about the secret society of the Leyak, the Indonesian equivalent to an evil voodoo spirit. She settles into the environment very well, even hitting it off with a local man. He introduces her to an evil witch, who prefers to talk from behind some bushes. She makes our heroine do lots of errands for her, gathering certain objects. Of course, the weirdness comes in when the woman grabs an object from behind the bushes with her super-long tongue. Oh my God, its Gene Simmons! The lady gets more pushy towards our heroine, even telling her what underwear to put on. To her credit, our heroine picks up most of the big magical ideals very quickly. Actually, to be fair, she merely says that she does. Did you expect the movie to show you everything? Ha! That's just silly.

*

Unfortunately, the evil witch has some evil intentions for our heroine. What?!?!? Anyhow, she utters the infamous line 'I need to borrow your head for a while' and causes the woman's head to float off of her body! I bet you count on your hands how many films that you have seen that feature a Penanggalan. Don't worry, though- it's not going out alone. The body part is still connected to its spine and guts. The thing flies off in a slightly-very-dated special effects shot and seeks out a pregnant woman. It flies in through her window and goes to town on what's inside of her. For the record, they show nothing. For that, you'll have to watch Aswang- also on DVD from Mondo Macabro! This causes some havoc in town, however, and our heroine's friend suspects what is up. Gee, I wonder. Fortunately, his uncle is a good wizard and can help out. He reacts oddly-calm to the sight of the woman's headless body waiting in her house. His solution: stick a bunch of pins in the wound, which makes her head not able to return. Oh, that was easy.

*

It's not over yet, kiddies! The whole thing builds up to the battle between the witch and the wizard. Highlights include lots of drawn-on effects that feel taken from Roger Corman's The Raven, some flying and a person being turned into a pig. Man, how many Indonesian movies do I need to see with this happening in it?!? It's all a big, crazy mess and I won't spoil it for you. Just go see this already.

*

This movie is good, but definitely with some caveats. For starters, you have to understand the climate and time in which it was made. Rules in Indonesia actually required these guys to pump out movies on a regular basis- one for every five that is imported. If you ever wondered about the questionable quality and logic attached to these movies- see The Devil's Sword and The Warrior- this is your explanation. As for this movie, it is very steeped in regional mythology and may not be accessible to those who are not a fan of foreign horror. If you can accept the silly effects, you can have a good time with this. The 'crazy foreign horror film about magic' is something that was oddly popular in its day and quickly died out. I defy you to find a movie like this made in the last five or ten years. If nothing else, this features the insanely-awesome Mondo Macabro trailer reel. Ah reel, you never let me down!

*

Next on the agenda, a Shaw horror film about love, revenge and demonic wizards. You only get this kind of stuff from China! Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Time Squad

This is a show that I doubt a lot of you really saw, but should have. It was created in 2001, making it apparently the first Cartoon Network original series of the 21st Century. That's mildly-historic, which is a bit ironic given the show. So, here is what you need to know...

In the year 100,000,000 A.D. (I think Dr. Who visited there once), the present is great, but the past is in jeopardy. The past seems to be in flux, requiring Time Cops to make sure things stay straight. Well, it would be easier if that damn Sam Beckett would stop interfering in things! Anyhow, there are three agents:

*"Buck" Tudrussel is a big, greasy cop who likes to work out and to cause violence. Due to him being the Senior Officer, he gets to do that, proving that even Utopia has its faults. He means well, but is dumber than that brick who rides the short bus.

*Larry 3000 is witty, sophisticated robot who is the polar opposite of "Buck." Basically, picture C-3PO as a more layered character, throw in Mark Hamill's voice and you're good to go.

*Otto is a young boy who is the smartest kid in his time period. He's also an orphan, which allows him to go off and time-travel...apparently. He is the common sense side of the group, which means that nobody listens to him.

What kind of hijinks do you get on the show? Well, for starters...

*Eli Whitney creates flesh-eating robots *Blackbeard is an environmentalist.
*Sigmund Freud is making his patients think that they are animals.
*Abe Lincoln is a prankster *Edgar Allen Poe is writing children's books.
*Beethoven becomes a pro-wrestler *Churchill starts a naked revolution.

That's Time Squad in a nutshell. It's a very underrated show that did not always go for the obvious jokes. On the plus side, it got 26 episodes, which is still high for this segment. If you can find it, watch it and enjoy.

Up next, another kid's show that tackles history in a wacky manner. It was made by the people behind Animaniacs, although almost nobody remembers it! Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Hawk the Slayer

This film is actually pretty well-known as far as cult films go, but how many of you have actually seen it? Hell, I'd heard about it many years ago, but could never find a copy of it. In one of life's many random coincidences, I discovered it via a random search of movies on Netflix, my second God. I figured 'what the hell? It should be fun.' For those not familiar with the film, let me give you a quick rundown. There's an evil guy (Jack Palance), a good guy (John Terry) and a bunch of silly, optical effects. The movie has also become a cult hit for its soundtrack, which dares to mix orchestral music (see Conan) with weird, synthesizer music (see Conquest). That alone is worth the price of admission...to your house to watch the DVD of it. If you want to know more, check out my review of...

Hawk the Slayer

The world is in a dark time. Evil is running rampant. The woods of England are full of menacing creatures. You've heard all of this before, haven't you? Well, it's all true. The movie often gives you a feel of 'been there, done that.' That is, however, until the special effects kick in. Trust me- they're worth it. This is what you need to know: there is a bad guy named Voltan. He has a menacing voice, a menacing figure and a helmet that is somehow a combination of armor and eye-patch. Don't ask me how he managed to do it, but he did! We are introduced to a poor farmer who is the current subject of the evil man's wrath. He is not even safe at a convent, leading him to flee in the direction of a hero: Hawk. What makes him a great hero? For starters, he has a magic sword and a sweet vest. Also, unlike some other fantasy heroes, he can speak with a British accent. With the help of a sorceress (who doesn't know at least one), he manages to track down the man in need and, with it, his mission. As it turns out later, Hawk has a personal stake in this too. But first, he needs some back-up.

*

First up is Gort, who is a tall man with a large mace. He's not a giant 'giant,' mind you, just a tall guy. He also has a dwarf companion, who oddly wields a whip. Don't you guys just stick to axes? Hell, Gimli has like 10 of them at any time! The biggest get of the group, however, is the Elf named Crow. I know what you're thinking and no, he does not have a big, golden head. He does, however, have the ability to fire at least a dozen arrows in the span of twenty seconds. How? By way of some editing effects, which is just a combination of re-using the same shot of him firing one arrow again and again. It has to be seen to be believed, people. I should also mention that Hawk gets summons their aid by teleporting around in the rings that held the Phantom Zone prisoners from Superman II in place. Our heroes need a bunch of gold to set-up a trap, so they beat up a slaver. He gives them what they want, but they drop a mace on his head anyways. Aw, how nice.

*

Now that our heroes are ready, they do battle with Voltan. Unfortunately, things don't go well when the group is betrayed by a nun seeking to broker a deal. Our heroes are defeated, the dwarf is stabbed and all hope seems to be lost. If this sounds familiar to the ending portion of Dungeons & Dragon 2, it is. It is good to know that a film that steals so much would end up being stolen from itself! Fortunately, the tide turns with the help of the sorceress, who sends a whole bunch of energy balls. Think that I'm joking? See for yourself! Finally, Hawk can get some revenge on Voltan. You see, not only did the guy kill his father, but he killed Hawk's wife. Why all the hate? For starters, Hawk and Voltan are brothers...heh heh. Try to ignore the twenty-five year age gap between our two leads, will you? The dad realized that his brother/son was evil and bequeathed the magical sword to Hawk. On top of that, Voltan got jealous of his brother getting the girl and killed her. In the process of this, however, his face got all messed up and only a dark power saved him. Let's put an end to that, shall we? Voltan is dead, but will live to fight another day...or not. Since the movie was made 29 years ago and Jack Palance died in 2006, I'm going to go with 'no.'

*

This movie is not good by any stretch of the imagination, but it demands to be seen. In spite of all its faults, this is one of those films that all fantasy fans must see, like Krull, Conan the Destroyer or Beastmaster 2. Okay, maybe not that last one. The story is silly, the acting is about what you expect and the direction is adequate. It it were not for the silly special effects, the movie would be just another 'bad movie with a over-acting character actor who should know better.' I think we've all seen that movie before. This movie also disproves the notion that everything British is inherently classy and better than us. See- they can make crap too. Incidentally, this is by the same director of the Channel 5 series Dark Knight, which any Blockbuster shopper will know as Darkest Knight 1-3. Looking back, he telegraphed the quality of this film.

*

Up next, a Mondo Macabro DVD that got lost in the shuffle. Is a headless female vampire enough to appeal to you? Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Reptilian

* In South Korea, the film was released as Yonggary, making it an in-name only sequel to the 1967 film.

* Despite being a South Korean film, this movie has yet to be released on DVD there. It has, however, been released in America and Japan, two films that you think would not be supporting a country trying to break into the giant monster market.

* The film was actually re-cut and re-released two years later (in 2001) as Armageddon Beast: Yonggary. The new additions: new CG, a new introductory scene and a non-techno score.

* All of the DVD releases of the film are actually of this new version. No love for the original version, eh?

Turtle Power!: Gamera the Brave

You know, this series always gets a bad rap. On many levels, it is comparable to that of the Godzilla series. The difference is that most people think of them as all being bad- a fact that is not helped by most of the early films being featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000! Of course, there are more films than just those ones, including the great Gamera series from the Heisei Era (1985-1999). Most recently, an attempt to restore the series one more time was made in 2006. Of course, given the past history of the series, America was in no rush to bring this one over to us. In fact, since I don't live in New York or Los Angeles, this film only played at an out of the way theater for one day last year. Waiting for the DVD to finally be available took months and I finally got to saw it, only to forget to review it until now. Let's make up for a lot of lost time, shall we? This is...

Gamera the Brave

The film begins in 1973 with the titular beast battles a group of Gyaos. Geez, those guys really hold a grudge against him. Hell, this turtle fights them more than Godzilla fights the military! Anyhow, the giant turtle exerts all of his energy in the battle and explodes. The End.

*

No, not really. Instead, the movie jumps ahead thirty years and sets up the real story. A young boy witnessed this event and grew up to be a chef. Times are tough, however, as he lost his wife earlier that year and his kid is depressed. While out on the beach with his friends, the boy discovers a tiny egg that glows. Maybe you should not frequent 3 Mile Island Beach! This actually turns out to be housing a young turtle, who the boy decides to keep. Of course, given the title of the movie, we all know where this is going. The movie does not waste our time either, as the little beast begins to hover and shoot tiny fireballs. Oh and the dad does not want him to have a pet, leading to some *wacky* comedy moments. These are not bad, mind you, but are they what you expected? The turtle eventually grows too large for the home and a new dwelling must be set-up. Of course, that does not last too long and the turtle vanishes. Oh well, it's not like the situation is going to get worse.

*

Apparently, I was wrong. You see, a giant lizard monster named Zedus shows up and begins to smash things to hell. Given that this is Japan, I should have seen that coming. As the people flee in terror, the monster eats some people and just generally wreaks havoc. He actually manages to corner our heroes, but our titular hero returns- now in giant form. Finally, some real kaiju action! Unfortunately, the sides are not quite matched just yet and our heroic terrapin must flee. He gets some aid from our other heroes, but it is still not enough. Thanks to a sub-plot involving the neighbor girl, the magical stone that he must re-absorb to return to full power is not with him. This leads to one of the most oddly-melodramatic moments ever put on celluloid. The girl passes the stone off to another girl, who runs like a character from a Nike commercial. She gets stopped, however, leading to several children carrying the stone. It gets back to our hero, who goes up the building that Gamera is stuck in to give him its power. The deus ex machina works and the monster is defeated. The day now saved, Gamera does not have to self-destruct and flies off into the night. The End.

*

Yeah, this movie was not quite what I expected. It feels oddly put together the first time you watch it, but makes sense in retrospect. The idea of starting out with a big action scene is surprising, especially one where the main character dies! You realize that the reason for this scene is to both set-up the drama for later and satiate any action fans for the long haul. That's not to say that the action is bad. Far from it, in fact. It is just that you have to wait a long while for any of it to show up again for a while. As a fan of kaiju films, I was not disappointed by the film in any way. Some of these movies dare to take risks- see Godzilla: Final Wars- and many of them pay off. If you can accept that this movie was made for an all-ages market and is not as gory as Gamera 3: Awakening of Irys. It is a curious piece of film that will ultimately stand the test of time better than most Gamera films as a good movie.

*

Up next, a forgotten fantasy film from the 1980s. It does not feature the bravado of Conan or the silliness of Beastmaster. What does it feature? How about special effects stolen from Superman II? Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Jaws

I love the original Jaws about as much as I hate Jaws: The Revenge. One poster that will inspire no emotion about the film is this one...

Who thinks of this? Who says- 'this killer shark movie needs to look like a Lite-Bright picture?' Thank God you guys became your country, huh?

Up next, Japan turns a horror film into...something even scarier. Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Night of the Living Dead (1990)

This was a review that was intended to be in October during my pure horror month, but...well, um, it wasn't. Part of the problem was that I put off watching it for a while and actually watched in two different parts...for a reason that I also forgot. By the time I finished, it was nearly November and my schedule was full. So that's where we are. This film has sort of an odd place in history, as it comes over twenty years after the original film, nine years before the big re-release and another seven years before the 3D remake in 2006. This is not counting all the many re-dubbings of the film for 'comedic value.' At least the Rifftrax DVD offers you the chance to watch it with or without commentary. The other big thing to note is that the film was directed by Tom Savini, who has only directed one other movie (in 2004) since this. I'm sure that there is a story there. Well, enough talk- more zombie killing. This is...

Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Do I really need to tell you the plot of this movie? It's the same, really. Well, one thing or two is different about it...

-Tony Todd plays our black lead. This sort of goes against the casting logic of the first film (casting a black man just because he was the best actor), but okay. In fairness, he is the best actor here too.

-The lead heroine does not go comatose and stay that way for 80% of the film. After a talking to by Todd, she actually becomes assertive and strong. This feels like Savini did this on purpose, especially if you hear the way Todd's speech goes.

-The man who plays the husband from the cellar is less one-note than the original actor, although he is mostly rage and dissent.

-Naturally, the zombie make-up is great. Plus, no CG blood. Hurray!

-One small plot-hole: our heroine loses her coke-bottle glasses in the initial attack and never regains them. However, she is still a crack-shot for the adventure...somehow.

-The way the young couple dies is less stupid than in the original. This time, they can't find the key to the gas tank and try to shoot it off. Later, our hero finds the key and feels really bad about it.

-The big thing is that the ending is changed. Tony Todd's character gets bitten and turned, getting killed when the hick farmers show up. Instead, our heroine shoots the older guy and covers it by saying that he was a zombie. This is because he abandons Todd's character earlier. See- you can use different, ironic twists for your endings, makers of 2005's War of the Worlds and 2006's The Wicker Man!

*

The movie was good, although it was not so different that it necessarily warranted a remake. Mind you, there are some noticeable improvements in the writing and acting. The thing you will notice most about it is the use of color and the gore effects. That's fine and good, but how many people were complaining about either of them in regards to the original? The direction is fine, but nothing really stands out about it that makes you either go 'man, that guy should never work again' or 'that guy is great!' Fun fact for you though: this movie co-stars Bill Moseley and the 3-D remake features Sid Haig. It is interesting to look at this movie in comparison to the videogame 'Left 4 Dead' and see just how similar the black character is to Todd here. If you have never seen any of the Dead films (some of you must exist somewhere), this is not a bad place to start. Of course, anything is better than Night of the Living Bread. Yes, that is a real film title.

*

Up next, a legend in the giant monster field makes his big return. Of course, since it was not produced by Roland Emmericah, it did not exactly rush into theaters here. Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: The Defender (2004)

Ah Dolph, I've missed you. It has been so long. Those seven days were sure rough, weren't they? Don't worry- we're together. This time, I am talking about your directorial debut from 2004. Evidently, the director of the film fell ill during production, so the company just said 'screw it- let the Aryan scarecrow direct it!' What is the movie about, you ask? Basically, Dolph plays a different version of himself who happens to work for the United States government. You know shit has gone bad when the government is hiring failed action stars from the 1980s. It might explain a lot when I tell you that United States is being run by Jerry Springer! I won't spoil any more of it for you, so let's shoot our way into...

The Defender (2004)

The film begins with Dolph being taken into an ambulance after being shot numerous times. Hey, this movie is looking up! Unfortunately, this movie is getting all Sunset Boulevard on us and we are only just beginning. Cue up the flashback!

To be honest with you, I don't remember a lot of this movie. It is a pretty basic plot that gives us all the notes that we usually get. There are some interesting moments that make it worth seeing though.

-Dolph and company are seen walking in slow-motion towards the camera. It makes you feel like you are either watching 'Queer Eye for the Dolph Guy' or 'Law & Order: Special Dolph Unit.'

-We get a whole bunch of footage of Dolph serving in military combat. Does it serve any purpose? Not really, no.

-One guy gets shot in the head, causing a sudden fountain of blood to shoot out. If you are going to use blood spurts, why would you only do it once and so dramatically?!?

-Dolph and company take down a group of bad guys who swing in through the windows. How? Well, it helps when the guys can't get untangle themselves from the ropes and just sort of stand there!

-Jerry Springer does a bunch of random scenes as the President. They aren't bad, but they are cutaways from the action. Whose bright idea was that? Oh, it was the guy who wrote Ripper 2: Letter From Within...which is apparently a movie.

-The plot takes a weird turn near the end as the group must protect a terrorist, since his death would do more harm than good. Unfortunately, one of his group members does not 'get the memo' and starts shooting. What a weird twist.

*

This movie is not good. It's not really all that bad either though. Really, it's just so unremarkable that it fails to stand out. There is nothing about it that is amazingly-bad or immeasurably-stupid. The fact that the most interesting part of the film is the casting of Jerry Springer as the President (he gets top-billing in the trailer) should say a lot. I think the fact that a first time director had to take over the project to finish it is a factor. On top of that, the first time director is Dolph Lundgren! They could have done a lot with this movie with a better cast, script and budget. Ultimately though, this is just an opportunity to have shoot-outs and explosions. That's good- most movies don't have that in them!

*

Next up, I take a week to cover some reviews that have escaped me for one reason or another. First up, the first remake of a George A. Romero classic. Was it worth the 22 year delay? Stay tuned...

Anthologicious: Black Sabbath

You know, I think that this is the first Mario Bava film that I have reviewed here. Can Hercules in the Haunted World  or Knives of the Avenger be far behind? It's also the first good horror anthology I've done in full. Yes, I'm making fun you, Creepshow 3! This movie has a lot going for it, considering its director and its narrator: Boris Karloff. In spite of Bela's ranting in Ed Wood, I love Boris to death for his later roles like this. Hell, he plays the crazy grandfather in The Comedy of Terrors, a movie that I love to death. The idea is pretty simple here: Boris is our narrator and tells us three tales of the macabre. Is there a connective thread in them? No, not really. All we get is Boris & that works for me! Let's just jump right into...

Black Sabbath

The film begins with Karloff walking onto a sound stage with a bunch of weird, flashing lights behind him. Weird light effects in a Mario Bava film? Can you imagine?!? Interestingly enough, Karloff is not playing some all-seeing/all-knowing character like Dr. Diablo from Torture Garden or a recurring one like Karen Black's character from Trilogy of Terror. He's just Boris Karloff and he wants you to see some scary stories. Okay then.

1. A woman begins to get threatening calls on the phone. No matter what she does, the person keeps calling and can apparently see everything. No, they don't ask her if she likes scary movies. As it turns out, evidence begins to point towards the caller being a man she testified against earlier. Guess who just escaped from jail? The lady freaks out even more & turns to calling a friend that she has not spoken to in a long time. She agrees to come over and alleviate her fears. Oh wait, she is also the person making the calls. This should get interesting...

The two get settled in as the 'friend' agrees to stay the night. Meanwhile, someone else lurks in the shadows. But, if she's there, she's over there and Istanbul is in this general area, then who is that? While the victimized woman tries to sleep, the other one writes a letter explaining that she faked the calls to get an invitation to come over and make-up. Of course, while she writes that, the escaped prisoner sneaks up and chokes her to death. Oh Mario, you love irony. Using a 'Checkov's Gun,' our heroine manages to stab the attacker to death. So, the lesson is, don't trick people...I guess. I'll figure that one out later.

2. A wandering nobleman shows up at a quiet farmhouse, but it is not exactly a 'good time.' As it turns out, a crazed killer was out in the woods & the father (Boris Karloff) has been out to get him. He warned the family that if he did not come back in five days, then he will have become a wurdalak (aka vampire). As day five arrives, he shows up and has the head of the killer in tow. The only problem: the family does not know whether or not he is a monster. His behavior is different, but that can be explained away with stress. The dog does not like him, but that can be explained with the human head he was carrying. He's creepy as hell, but he's Boris Karloff. The family is extremely worried and tells the nobleman to leave, but his lust for one of the daughters makes him stay. That night, all hell breaks loose! One of the brothers is found dead in the kitchen and the young child has been kidnapped by Karloff. This can't end well?

The son is found dead and the father goes to decapitate the corpse in order to stop him from coming back as a vampire. The wife won't let him, which allows the son to come back that night and set up her death. We get a domino effect as the now-vampiric wife kills the husband! The nobleman and the woman flee, but that is not enough. She ends up being captured and turned before our hero can save the day. Rather than face life without her, he hugs her and allows her to bite him. The moral: don't trust your libido at an old farmhouse, but we already knew that from the story of the traveling salesman.

3. Our final story is one of greed and regret. A nurse is called to a home to prepare an elderly matron for her funeral. When she gets there and works on the body, she discovers that the woman has a ring that only basketball players' wives whose husbands have been accused of rape get! In a moment of weakness, she steals the object. In a continuation of that moment of weakness, she takes it home with her. Unfortunately, she did not pay enough attention to the glass of water that spilled as she did the deed. In addition, a fly decided to be more than a little friendly with her, but she blew that off too. Back at her home, she begins to be bothered by several events.

First off, the fly makes another appearance and buzzes around her mercilessly. You may think that flies aren't scary horror villains unless you've seen Amityville 3-D! Her powers goes out as well and the sound of dripping water fills the apartment. Great! Now you're under siege by the thing from Dark Water too! Things only get worse as the old woman's body appears on her bed! Incidentally, this is probably the moment that most people remember from this whole movie. The corpse begins to strangle her, at least, that's what she thinks. Driven mad, she actually strangles herself to death. When the police discover the body the next day, they find no outside signs of attack. Oh wait, there is one thing. Apparently, there is bruising on her finger from a ring being pried off of it. This worries the concierge, who is greeted by a familiar insect.

The film concludes with our narrator, who is made up in his outfit as the grandfather from the second story. He closes out the film as he rides the mechanical horse used for simulating a horse-riding shot. The film ends with the camera panning out to reveal a whole mess of people working the set. Normally, this would just be odd, but, since it is Karloff, it is actually one of the freakiest shots of the whole movie!

*

This film is really good and full of suspense. I've always been a fan of horror anthology films, even when they are sub-par efforts like The Monster Club or flawed ones such as The Offspring. This a Bava film though, so there is not much to complain about. I feel odd filling my summary without adding some silly insults, but there's not much to nitpick here. Some of the make-up work looks odd in a modern context, although it is still freaky as hell! This one was made in the last several years of Karloff's career, so his physicality was limited, but his presence was quite strong. There's not much else I can say other than this: see it.

*

Just another reminder: this is part of the 'Final Girl Film Club.' Check out her site if you haven't & share in the efforts. The more the merrier.

*

Up next, I return to the world of Dolph Lundgren and terrorists. What does this film have going for it that the others don't? Two words: Jerry Springer. Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Fortress (1986/1993)

There are actually two films that share the same title. One of them is about a group of crazed people that attack a school in Australia and torment the teacher, who has to fight back. The other is a science-fiction film starring Christopher Lambert as a man who is sent to prison for trying to have a second child.

*There is only one connective thread holding them together: Vernon Wells.

*Most people will know him as the evil Indian biker with a mohawk from Mad Max 2 or one of the two bikers from Weird Science. Somehow, he ended up being in both of these movies. What are the odds of that?!?

Moon Over Miami: Ghoulies IV

In case you don't know him, I would like to introduce you to a man named Jim Wynorski. His big claim to fame: directed the sequels to films in which he did not make the original. Mind you, some people do this occasionally, but he did it a lot! This is the man behind Deathstalker II (originally by James Sbardelatti), 976 Evil 2: The Astral Factor (originally by Robert Englund), The Return of Swamp Thing (originally by Wes Craven), Big Bad Mama II (originally by Steve Carver) and Sorority House Massacre II (originally by Carol Frank). There is also today's film, which has been handled by three different men before Jim- Luca Bercovici, Charles Band and John Carl Buechler. I should also note that most of these movies series ended with Jim's films, but take that for what you will. The premise of this movie is that it is going to ignore II and III & make a sequel to the first film. The only problem is that they- once again- made shit up and changed the rules. So this is neither a true sequel nor a continuation of the last two films. Oh joy. Now that you know the story, let's jump right into...

Our story begins with a woman resembling Catwoman's cousin breaking into a warehouse. She quickly kills one guard with her judo skills and a second with a throwing star to the head. What is this- Revenge of the Ninja? She makes a ritual sacrifice using all of the guards she killed (about four or five) and summons a mysterious man in a cloak who tells her to get a tiny gem. Unfortunately for us, the spell also summons two ghoulies, at least they are supposed to be ghoulies. Rather than being puppets, these guys (only two this time) are midgets in Halloween masks who...talk in New York jive. What the hell happened to this series? We cut to a police detective, who looks like an older, grizzled version of the guy from the first Ghoulies. Actually, it is the same actor reprising his role, although he has gone from an aimless, lay-about wizard to a police detective in about ten years. Thanks, Keiser Career College! Faster than you can ask 'Why would you steal plot points from Trancers III,' a liquor store robbery breaks out & our hero stops it. He gets a talking-to from his police captain, who also happens to be his ex-girlfriend. This movie is going to get catty, isn't it?

As it turns out, the ghoulies in this film don't really do much. They hide out in the warehouse (by putting frames around their faces, no less) as the police investigate. The creatures recognize our hero, which is funny because nobody has ever seen you the hell before! I'm sorry, but I had to get that out of my system. In a complete non sequitur, a pair of plumbers that look like the characters from The Honeymooners show up, only to get killed by the evil woman. Thanks for that, movie. Dominatrix Barbie continues to look for the gem when she finds out about our hero being on the case. She figures that he could help her out. Mind you, her idea of getting him to her side is beating up his partner, possessing him and sending him to another dimension. No, this time it is not a euphemism for death. Surprisingly, he rejects her, but he does have the time for a prostitute girlfriend. Somewhere during all of this, the ghoulies save a girl from a mugger, steal some food and read porn. Hurray?

The movie finally gets around to explaining the reason for all of this. Basically, the crazy lady is an ex-girlfriend (another one?!?) of his who liked him in his wild, magical days & wants them back. Wait- is she supposed to be the girlfriend from Ghoulies? If so, she's, well, not. Anyhow, she is resurrected his dark side via magic- which is supposed to explain a plot point about him being tired all the time- and wants that version of him to be the real one. As such, she kidnaps our hero's current girlfriend, pressing the man and his EX-girlfriend to have to save the day. I know you're wondering about this, so I'll tell you that the ghoulies do about jack shit here. The man dumps her on the side of the road, however, and goes off alone...which leads her to follow him mere seconds later. Wow, that went nowhere. The detective manages to fight off a giant Asian man (not Bolo Yeung), but is sent to the other dimension. Thankfully, his lady shows up and instantly figures out how to use the magical gem to save the day. Score one point for you, convenient screen-writing. The day is saved, the real couple gets back together and even the nerdy partner gets hit on by a second-hand floozy. The ghoulies show up again and tell us to look for their tale in Ghoulies IV: Part 2. No thanks. The End.

This movie is not god, but it is also not the worst movie out there. No matter how bad his movies are, Jim Wynorski manages to make them bearable through sheer force of will. If you can resist his charms, however, you can see a film that pretends to be a part of the series when it really has jack-shit to do with it. It has the guy from Ghoulies and references it (even using stock footage), but just does not fit. The whole thing is built around referencing numerous events that apparently happened to our hero between the two movies. If you are so in love with them, why not set this movie DURING those events. It just feels like they were trying to get around introducing a brand new story in the FOURTH film by constantly referencing the past. It does not work, by the way. I honestly did not hate the ghoulies in this movie- I just don't think that they are ghoulies. I think they just wanted to make another Munchies films (why would you?) and just thought that this would sell better. Then again, the ghoulies were mostly just mute puppets, so why should I care? It's not a terrible movie. It's also not a Ghoulies movie.

Next on the agenda, my review for the Final Girl Film Club. Did they just get me to watch a good horror movie? Stay tuned...

Award-iness

First off, I have to thank Carl (IHLM) for thinking of me when this award came up, even if it does not come with with a promotional prize like a Darth Vader Phone or a free bucket of shrimp. 'Tis an honor, sir. Since the prize is a JPEG, it won't go on my mantle, but it will go on my page's sidebar.

I guess I'm supposed to explain the rules of this, thus making it a chain. Alright.

1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. Place the logo on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you.
4. Name 7 things about you that you think people would find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 more people
6. Link to those 7 people's sites.
7. Send them messages to let them know that they have been nominated.

I will try to make these things for #4 interesting for you.

* I still have three VHS players in my house, but not a single Blu-Ray one.
* I'm entranced by that weird smell that comes from $1 DVDs. What is that?
* I'm actually a multi-faceted nerd, as a lover of movies (action/horror/etc), comic books, music and wrestling.
* I'm really into Japanese rock, especially Maximum the Hormone.
* I currently have an unfinished short story in the works called 'Cryptozoodyssey.'
* I plan on breaking into the video market of movie reviews as well.
* I like the live-action Daredevil movie, but don't care for Evanescence.

So, with that out of the way, here are my seven nominees.

1. Mondo Macabro: While they have a pretty good following in a lot of markets (i.e. the DVD one), this company's blog is relatively minor. It's a good way to find out about their upcoming releases and film festival appearances. More importantly, they are an awesome company that deserves everyone's support.
2. Soiled Cinema: Even though the site has been quiet for a while, the back-log of reviews is interesting to read. Like mine, it attempts to be varied in both tone, release date and place of origin. There is a twisted sense of humor to it all that some of you might not like (I don't always either), but it is still an interesting read.
3. The Cheap Bin: Someone has probably nominated him already, but I'm too lazy to check. Besides, the guy has an output that is impressive and a selection that is interesting. I like variety in my sites and he certainly has that.
4. Twisted Flicks: If you are into the weird and foreign, this is a great site to check out. A lot of the stuff is salacious, but that's fine with me. Most importantly, he has reviewed The Machine Girl, which automatically gets him my nomination.
5. Who Wants Taters?: This is a fun site that features some interesting content, both good and bad. Like me, he is 'an up-and-comer' and has not reached the triple digits in followers like some of our brethren. Let's correct that, shall we?
6. Paracinema...the Blog: This is the blog site for a magazine, which is always neat to see. Watching two different publication formats unite is always interesting, especially when they both talk about weird crap. At this time, they nearly to 100 followers. Give them a push!
7. Atop the Fourth Wall: It is a weird choice, but hear me out. The site is mostly a venue for Mr. Luvhaug to post his videos on (which also go on That Guy With the Glasses), as well as promote his own comic book and web-comic. Why did I choose him? Because he's damn funny, creative and could always use a bit more promotion. Even if you don't like comics, give at least one of his videos a shot.

That's all from me right now. Make sure you check out all the blogs you can, as there is always a new guy looking to get his foot in the door. Why don't you help him out? It will save you on repair bills later, since they will almost all kick their way in eventually. Thanks again, Carl.

Forgotten Horror Moments: Lemora

Given that this is a special week of horror films, it only seems fitting to bring this segment back. Today I want to talk about the best scene in a so-so horror film that I reviewed quite a while back...

Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural

In a nutshell, the film is about a lady vampire who is immensely desiring to get a hold of a virginal young woman. She goes to the trouble of kidnapping her father and writing a letter in his name to lure the child to her location. This means that a fourteen (really eighteen) year-old girl is leaving her convent in the middle of the night to catch a bus...since I guess they don't run in the morning. This leads into the scene...

The young woman- naturally dressed in all white- is riding the bus at about 3am through a dark forest, with only the gruff driver for company. While going down a hill, the vehicle is besieged by a group of angry creatures. What kind? You never see, although you can infer that they are vampires. As part of the film's dream-like atmosphere, you never see the creatures in the darkness. Instead, you hear them yell, see their red eyes and see the whole bus shake from their assault.

Sadly, the rest of what follows is nowhere as good or as creepy. Even so, the movie is worth seeing just for this part.

Up next, a tribute to one of the best vampire attack scenes ever put on film. Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Ghoulies II

We're back again with another film about killer puppets. Mind you, I don't mean that literally, since Full Moon has done at least 8 films about that! This is the second film in the Ghoulies quadrilogy, a pair of words that sounds really strange together! After the creative misfire that lead to the original film being retitled and shot by different people, the Bands got their shit together and made this movie in 1987. So, how did they up the ante? For starters, we got more ghoulies and the effects work is better...which means that it is merely sub-par. The story goes off in a new direction, although there are definitely some issues. In spite of that, I can say that this is directed by Charles Band himself, which is a big deal...if he did not direct 80% of the Full Moon catalog. They got a couple of new stars involved this time, however, so there is hope. Let's find out just how much of it there is in...

Ghoulies II

The film begins with a truck making a stop at a gas station in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, they are not alone there. You see, someone has trapped the ghoulies in some cans and plans to kill them. Unfortunately, he gets distracted by the arrival and the things escape. They dump his body in the container full of acid that he planned to dump them in! By the way, where did he get that from? Is he best friends with a Bond villain or something? Anyhow, the arrivals fail to notice the monsters or the smell of melted flesh made some five minutes earlier. The monsters get on board the back of their truck and head to their new home- a circus sideshow. As it turns out, this portion of the show is not doing well, as people are neither scared nor entertained. This really puts off their head midget (Phil Fondacaro from Troll and The Creeps), especially considering that the guy who is threatening to close them down in the old boss' son. Don't you just love that cliche? You would think that a guy who ran a circus for his whole life would have a kid who felt the same, wouldn't you?

*

As things go on, the ghoulies settle into the Haunted House while the staff figures out what to do. They come up with the idea of updating their House with some real scares to get the kids to come in. Unfortunately, a real scare shows up in the form of the ghoulies, who kill the old, drunken magician. The monsters hide the body, however, a skill that they got...somehow. Maybe there is a Ghoulies 1.5 film that explains stuff like that, how they got captured and where the new ones came from. Oh right, this is Full Moon- they just make shit up like that. Because this movie loves cliches, we also get a blooming romance between our two young leads, but that does not really matter. The only potentially-progressive idea is having Phil be obsessed with literature. Of course, he already did that same roll in Troll a year earlier! The show actually begins to draw people in, although the ghoulies use this as an opportunity to kill more people. Somewhere during all of this, Phil is forced to dress up as a gorilla. Charles Band- progressive filmmaker.

*

Eventually, our hero figures out that something is up and unites the forces of the circus to take them down. If you ever wanted to see a circus strongman battle a flying puppet, this is your movie. The whole thing becomes very chaotic as scared extras flee from the nearly non-existent threats. Only one solution presents itself: summon a giant ghoulie to kill them. Yeah, this logic has worked well with cane toads! Things only get worse, however, as the giant ghoulie turns on them. I think we're going to need a bigger circus! We get a climactic chase involving our young heroine facing her fear of heights to get the magic book they need. They also use Phil as bait, since he is tiny and tastes like chicken...or so I'm told. Ultimately, the day is saved, although one of the ghoulies is left around. He pops out of a toilet as our heroes go on with their lives, finally giving us payoff to both movies' posters. Better late than never, guys! The End.

*

This movie is not bad, but it is not great either. The setting they use is a good one and is certainly better than the giant house from Part 1. The acting is pretty average across the board, although Fondacaro has the same kind of unexplainable presence that he's always had. I seriously don't understand what it is, but he has it. The special effects are better, but still not that great. If you like 80s films with a semi-comic tone, you can certainly do worse. A lot of the times, the balance is extremely out of whack, leading to films that are neither funny or scary. In this film's case, it is a pretty safe film with silly monsters that neither scare nor offend. Like I said, you can do worse. For example, there is always Troll 2!

*

Next up, you're probably expecting me to do Ghoulies III. Sadly, it is out-of-print, so you will just have to make due with Part IV. On the plus side, it is an actual sequel...sort of. Stay tuned...

'Deep Blue Sea' Moments: Dog Soldiers

After many suggestions over the last year or so from my friend, I finally watched this movie...and it's really good. The plot is minimalistic, but it has enough layers to it to last the run-time. You don't want to hear me talk about how much I like a movie though. You want to know why it is being inducted in this segment.

After one big siege scene of the house, the men have expended a ton of ammo (they claim it was over sixty rounds) & the werewolves have fled...for the moment. One of the soldiers is standing by the window and decides to throw in a boast.

"Dogs?!? More like pussies!"

Three seconds later, he is grabbed by a werewolf and pulled out the window. Apparently, one of them was waiting around for his cue!

 He screams and people react, but that guy is dead as shit!

So don't taunt your enemies by open windows.  Seems obvious, but...apparently it wasn't.

More of these will come down the pipe...as I find them. Stay tuned...