House Party: Amityville 1992

Counting the remake, there are 9 Amityville films, five of which do not even feature people being in the actual house. Why so many? Scholars will ask this question for eons and, perhaps, may solve it one day. The odds are that we will solve such questions as "Why does God kill puppies?" and "Why did they make Halloween III?" will be answered first. Until that time, let us delve into the film that is...

Amityville 1992: It's About Time

One thing to note is that the DVD tries to cover up the anachronistic nature of its title. In the 'definitely note edited' title sequence, it reads like this....
Amityville ___

It's About Time

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Anyhow, the film sets up its really odd plot in quick order. A man is moving into a new suburban residence with his two kids. His female assistant is helping him out, but the situation is not all that happy. Simply put: the guy is a complete jerk. The lady wants to leave, but something puts a stop to that...

*

Dog Attack! A seemingly-nice dog chases down our lead and gnaws at his leg like it is made out of Snausages. In the film's first real gore scene, he knocks the dog's eye out in the process of defending himself. When the family tries to confront the dog's owner, the animal is completely fine. Whaaaaat?!?

*

The film gets really hard to follow at this point. It is basically made up of weird hallucinations and 'scares.' The problem is that every one of these scenes end with the character being in a normal room again with no sign of the weirdness. So...did it happen or not? The film's non-committal nature when it comes to the gore and such is unsettling. Should I be scared or annoyed? Make up your damn mind!

*

I have managed to go this far without mentioning that the whole film is a giant pun. You see, the craziness is related to an antique clock that came from the Amittyville house. Yeah, that's really how they kept the film going. The previous film was a mirror...apparently not realizing that emulating The Boogeyman is not a good idea. I just thought that you should know.

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I am going to spoil the ending for you...if anyone really cares.

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After numerous weird things, including the famous death by truck ornament, the girl molesting herself (don't ask) and the guy sunk into the black ooze from Star Trek: The Next Generation, everything resets. Yeah, you read that right. The family, having memories of what happened, quickly smashes the clock before it is put in. A happy ending? Well, it is for me. The damn thing is over!

*

When you leave a horror film confused and annoyed, it is not a good thing. This is like Izo, only without a scene of Mother Earth being raped. You can do much, much better than this movie. On top of that, it is does not have any major funny scenes to laugh at. It just hurts. Let's move on.

*

There is one final film in the original series. Let's hope it's somewhat better. Stay tuned...

In Your Face!: Amityville 3-D

Two questions: first, does this title inspire any confidence? Second, how many people are actually aware of just how many of these films people made? Even with the third film, I am barely touching the tip of the iceberg. I'll get to some of those in due time. Is there anything special about this movie aside from the 3-D aspect. Read and find out in my review of...

Amityville 3-D

The film begins with a couple having a seance for their dead son. The whole thing turns pretty weird, hitting all the notes: glowing lights, flickering power and possessed voice. But, there is one problem: it is all fake. Even more fake than everything else in the movie, that is. Our 'couple' it seems is actually a pair of ghost/myth de-bunkers. Take that, plot of The Reaping! This film needs something to ruin all the fun though.

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Like another 3-D horror film, the film bogs itself down with family melodrama. Basically, the lead and his wife are split-up and always fighting over their teenage daughter. The dad buys up the famed Amityville house against her wishes. Her friend (Meg Ryan) is trying to push her to loosen up and have some fun. This will certainly end well.

*

The non-family plot breaks down like this: people show up to the house or leave the house, somethings scares/kills them and people react. Highlights include the guy who is killed by flies (no, really) and the woman who is impaled by a metal beam through a window...and then explodes into flames. Even using 3-D in this scene does not allow it to make sense. Did she go through spontaneous combustion at the same time? Why the hell did that happen?

*

There are some interesting things to note. One thing is that they allow killings to happen outside of the house. Unfortunately, this is done by way of...fly angels of death. Yeah, I don't get it either. They also dare to kill off a main character before the third act that you would not expect. But they do not show it- at all. Good job, movie!

*

In case you had not noticed, I have not said much about the 3-D effects. Like Parasite, the effects are nearly non-existent here. Why did you put it in the title if you don't want to use it? I mean, why would you...holy shit, they are making up for it now! The finale involves at least a dozen effects, as well as wire effects, falling objects and more dry ice than a Def Leppard concert. Way to overcompensate, guys! It all ends in a surprisingly bleak manner and in a way that makes it appear to be the last film. Yeah...that was as successful as Friday the 13th: Part Four- The Final Chapter. Final my ass!

*

This movie is honestly not that terrible. It has some serious faults (seriously, why did they kill this character off-camera) that hamper it. They take some risks (leaving the house), but there is not enough pay-off. It tends to raise more questions than it answers. Seriously, how does the house kill you miles away or affect elevators? I should not have enough time to stop and think about questions like this. If you wanted to see a good 3-d horror film, you obviously had a long wait ahead of you. Next.

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I should probably stop talking about the Amityville films. Then again, I am nuts. Stay tuned...

In Your Face!: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

For once, I am going to do a film that was actually recent. I decided to take a break from films made before my birth or before any of my readers' possible births. This film is part of the recent rash of 3-D films that started in a minor way back in 2006. When will a horror film enter the fray? How about now...

My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Remaking one of the earliest slasher films in America is a given. More notable, however, is that the original film was an import from Canada. In a way, it did not get enough credit for doing so well. Will a remake change that?

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The film begins with a newspaper montage of the mining disaster. It eventually reveals that one man survived and seemingly killed all of his friends with a pick-axe. The police are waiting for him to wake up from his coma...which he does when they leave the room. They return to the hospital later and find close to a dozen people slaughtered. I guess just coming out of a coma doesn't slow you down. He rushes to the mine shaft, which is naturally hosting a drinking/sex party. Well, this feels like an 80s film so far.

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We meet a pair of couples (one cute and one bitchy) at the mine. One-by-one, people are being killed by the miner. We get some tasty deaths like a half-decapitation (upper half only) and the classic eye punch-out. They actually use a little 3-D here. The cute couple's girl and the male half of the bitchy one escape, leaving the nice guy in with the killer. He survives 1,000,000x longer than anyone else so far, but is finally trapped. That is when the two cops show up and shoot the killer full of holes. Let's time-jump now!

*

10 years later, our enigmatic hero returns to town to sell his father's mine. The pairing who escaped the mine are now married and have a kid. The sheriff and the other codgers of the town are not happy about the mine situation. Oh yeah, the miner killer returns as well, making a philandering couple his first victims, as well as a midget. No, really. Naturally, the guy who was gone while the killings stopped and came back when the killings started again is the top suspect. Meanwhile, angst abounds.

*

The film goes as follows: plot, angst, plot, killing, plot, angst, plot, killing. The movie lingers on the story involving the wife's feelings for the hero, her issues with her marriage and the idea that she is working with her husband's secret lover. Thankfully, we get some good 3-D enhanced killings between all the padding. If you can get past all of this, you get an interesting mystery tale and some brutal murders. Aside from the usual issue of 'serial heavies walking as running,' it is pretty logical. No teleporting Jason here.

*

I won't spoil the ending for you since the film is so new. I will say this: the DVD promotion of the alternate ending is bullshit. It is the same ending, just with about ten seconds of new footage. It's not quite as bad as the 'alternate opening' promotion for Incredible Hulk though.

*

Honestly, the movie is pretty good. The feeling of mystery in a slasher film reminds me a bit of a giallo film, which is a good thing. It lingers a bit too long in dramatic dialog for my tastes at times though. Any film where a midget is killed with a pick axe while a naked woman hides under a mattress is worth a rental in my book. It is a bit too 'ehh' at times, but is enjoyable as a whole.

*

Let's hop back to the 80s for the first 3-D haunted house film. Stay tuned...

In Your Face!: Parasite

The idea of 3-D films has always been odd to me. Films are not entertaining enough, so we need shit coming at us? As a film buff, that has always been a questionable bit of logic. The issue also comes as to whether the 3-D element would be the key selling point (Coming at Ya!) or just a bonus feature (Friday the 13th, Part 3). Enough talk- let's review...

Parasite

To begin with, this is a very overly-complex setup to an otherwise simple film. Basically, some weird experiment got released and f-ed up the free world. How and why is never quite elaborated on. All I know is that people live in messed up houses, criminals are everywhere and people in silver instead of cash. What an arbitrary choice of currency, film!

*

Our hero is a mysterious man in a very 80s car who arrives in a tenement village disguised as a town. The only people are an older lady who owns a house, a general store owner, his cute young helper (pre-fame Demi Moore), a gas station owner and a group of thugs. I wonder which one will be the bad guys? Our hero settles in at a guest room held by the lady and gets acquainted with everyone. He has a mysterious secret relating to his 'research' and a canister. More on that later.

*

Around this time, another mysterious man shows up to one of the film's five sets. He wears a suit, drives another 80s car and, oh yeah, has a laser gun. This is the first thing of the sort in the film. I should also point out that no major 3-D effects have been seen so far. He questions people about our hero, but takes a while to get anywhere, which is odd. You see, the town is very small when they show it, but very large when it comes to the other guy. It must be the TARDIS effect. Meanwhile, the gang stirs up trouble.

*

Being a gang, they have to threaten everyone for any reason possible. They eventually get to our hero and wonder about his parcel. After beating him up and stealing it, they find...a monster in a can! Finally, some 3-D! The thing wreaks havoc and kills at least one of the member. Meanwhile, our quiet villain gets closer. Our hero gets to know the young lady, who agrees to help him out with his problems.

*

The whole thing eventually comes to a peak. Our hero fights the gang members, making time to work in some 3-D effects. The other villain finally shows up and fights the scientist as well. We get our third monster appearance in a monster movie and a big flaming finale. The day is saved...well, sort of. The whole apocalypse thing has still happened. The End.

*

To be honest, this is not a good film. It takes a long time to get started, has too much going on and never really explains all that much. The acting is lacking, the sets are super-minimalist and the direction is merely adequate. I should explain that it was directed by Charles Band, the head of the Band family of directors/producers/writers. These are the people that brought us Puppet Master vs. The Demonic Toys, Robot Jox 2 and Evil Bong. I guess that I should not have been expecting anything better.

*

Let's get away from the 80s and do some new 3-D. Stay tuned...

'80s Trash?: Scarecrows (UPDATED)

One could argue that the Scarecrow sub-genre of films derived from the unintentional derived from the titular character's appearance in Return to Oz.  I prefer to think that it comes from this gem...

Oddly, the film begins with what would probably be the biggest budget aspect already having happened. While thrifty, it feels a bit lazy. Basically, a bunch of ex-military dudes robbed an army surplus, kidnapped a pilot (with daughter in tow) and are making their escape. 

Unfortunately, one of them heeds Steve Miller's advice and 'takes the money and runs.' This does not bode well for him as the others follow suit and land at the nearby farm.

Things tend to go pretty bad pretty quick. As the criminals wander around the place looking for the man, they choose to ignore the creepy scarecrows.  Good call. 

One of them gets grabbed and killed, driving the bad guys crazy.  Oh good, their former member shows up at the door. 

 But wait, where's the money? Oh, it's...stuffed inside his chest like a scarecrow. Eww.  But wait, how did he walk all the way there like that and only fall over dead when they let him in? What's that, movie? You never plan to tell us? Okay then.

More suspense and killing are on the menu. Let's also not forget all the cursing and in-fighting as well. You get plenty of that between the gore scenes. I hope you can get used to it. Oddly, the scarecrows are far more tactical and smart than the former military personnel. By the way, how do they communicate again? Right, you still won't tell us. 

They give you a small story about a demonic possession of the area, but that is pretty much it. Fortunately, the gore is distracting enough. The whole thing ends simple enough with a climax involving a plane, some scarecrows and a grenade. The End.

Your feelings on this movie are entirely hinged upon your ability to ignore certain things. First, the fact that this is a fairly-strange rip-off of the Aliens formula. While this is not uncommon, it is sort of noticeable here. Secondly, the film pretty much never explains the monsters, how they work or why. All you get is: don't go to this farm or they will kill you. They're not moral crusaders either, since they try to kill the Captain and his Daughter too. (UPDATE: They're basically proto-Rage Ghosts)  They are just an unnatural force of nature- think about that one for a while.  For simple pulp value, it is certainly fun and passable.  It is strong on atmosphere, solid when it comes to practical FX gore and light on answers.  It also gets some retroactive bonus points for seeming to inspire a certain Team Fortress Character...

*** I can't be the only one to see this, right? ***

Next up, it is time to jump into...the 3rd Dimension. Stay tuned...

Viva Los Exploitation!

We must pause to mourn the passing of Don Edmonds, the director of two classic films.Your vision to combine the Women In Prison genre with the Nazi genre is commendable. You will be missed by all of us fans of Euro-sleaze.

P.S. I hate the Rule of Threes. It is pure evil.

I Drink Your Blood: Lemora- A Child's Tale of the Supernatural

In my quest to see so many strange and bizarre movies, I have come across some curiousities. Whether it is a vampire dog, a hopping vampire or a vampire that eats fetal material, there is some strange stuff out there. In theory, this is not. However, in execution, it certainly is...

Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural

Also known as Lemora: The Lady Dracula and/or The Legendary Curse of Lemora, this is an entry in the rarely-remembered 'Lady Vampire' genre. Unlike the others, this one is not built around a busty and buxom woman romancing men. It is much worse.

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The film begins with a young lady writing a letter to her n'er-do-well father. She is living with a bunch of nuns after his disappearance into a life of crime. You see, for no good reason, this film is set in the 1930s. Much like with Dr. Phibes, it is does not add anything other than a quirky look. Aside from the nuns being...well, nuns, the pastor sort of has the hots for her. We get a real gentile scene of him looking at her in her night clothes, which is more covering than most people's regular clothes.

*

Her serenity is gone when her father is shot up and ends up in the hands of Lemora. She makes him write a letter to Lila that says that she should meet him. Our heroine sneaks out at night, goes into the 'bad neighborhood' and goes to the bus station. Taking a midnight bus proves to be a bad idea as wild vampires attack the vehicle. This is honestly a very effective scene due to the lighting, music and the child perspective. Oh and just to clarify, the lady playing Lila was 17 at the time. I don't want any complaints.

*

She gets past this trauma and ends up in the welcome arms of Lemora. She appears nice enough, but has more than a few secrets. Lila, playing up the childhood mindset, never gets suspicious, even when Lemora wants to give her a bath. No, they still don't show anything. Lila settles in, but remains suspicious. Desperate and curious, she runs off one night in search of her dad. This is as bad of an idea as you would imagine. The young lady gets spooked and scared by other vampires before she runs...right back where she started. Thanks for that, movie.

*

Stop here if you don't want to know how it ends.

*

After a little while, the Reverend finally shows up to 'save the day.' What he finds is no longer an innocent 19-year old-pretending-to-be-13, but, instead, is a young woman. She kisses him, which he resists at first. Finally, he gives in and kisses her back. It is at this point that she bites his neck. It cuts to her singing again in Church. So, did that all happen? Is she a vampire? We never find out. The End.

*

In all honesty, this is a pretty good film. It doesn't move forward at that robust of a pace, but establishes its mood and setting early on. The blue lighting adds a lot to the hum-drum activities. You need to know that this is a low-budget film and will not have lots of monster effects. The best way to describe the film is that it has a very 'indy' feel to it. It is not the best lady vampire movie out there, but it is quite unique.

*

Do you like monsters made out of straw? I have just your movie. Stay tuned...

I Drink Your Blood: Lifeforce *UPDATED*

I don't know what to say about this movie. Is it a horror film? Is it a science-fiction film? Is it a suspenseful character study? Is it a floor wax? Okay, it definitely is not the last one. This film is definitely a product of its times and is very unique. What other film has naked Space Vampires?  If you can name another film...I really need to see it. In the meantime, here is this...

The film begins in outer space, leading us towards the sci-fi conclusion. A group of astronauts are on a mission when Haley's Comet flies by. They detect something in its tail and, naturally, go to investigate it. A trio of them float onto the giant freaky ship, but don't suspect anything. They discover a trio of naked people (one of them female) in tubes. This gives us the first disparagement of the film: the lady is shown in full-frame, but the men are covered. Not that I want to see that or anything, but it still feels weird. Some freaky stuff happens and all communication is lost.

After a bit of chaos, the pod from the spaceship crashes in the ocean, leaving only one living man. The rest of the bodies, save for the trio of naked people, are gone. The government has a lot of questions, but the astronaut has few answers. I thought we already knew that we could not trust astronauts! Shortly thereafter, the woman awakens and escapes the building, leaving some plastic bodies in her wake. This happens a lot & we quickly learn that the mysterious beings suck the life energy out of people. Life energy- if only I had a better way to say that. The men awaken as well, but prove to be 'killable' with enough bullets (roughly 1,000). Movie over?

No, it seems that the woman is hard to track down. I repeat- the naked space vampire lady is hard to track down. She proves to be more powerful than the men and able to transfer her consciousness into other people. Only one man can find her: crazy Astronaut man! He has some weird psychic connection to her, due to their previous interaction, and can feel her. I guess he's part Highlander. They track her down to a psychiatric facility run by Captain Picard and think that she is in a fat guy. Astronaut Jones sees through this facade and takes 'Picard' with them. Unfortunately, he explodes in a giant splash of blood. No, really.

The whole thing builds to a really strange climax. Naked space vampire lady causes lots of lights to flash in the skies around London. Our hero/crazy man tracks her down and, um, tries to negotiate. Yeah, it's sex.  A lot of blue lights go off and, um, something happens. They never really bother to explain what. We know that both people are gone and the threat is over. Um yea? The End.

This movie is definitely a guilty pleasure. You get flash effects, exploding corpses and a naked lady. Did I mention her yet? Okay, good. Oddly, this film is directed by Tobe Hooper, the man behind The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Body Bags. Even if you view him as the guy who made Poltergeist, this still seems weird. Maybe the similarity between just how many blue lights and smoke he creates is all we can hope for. If you can accept all the silly effects and nudity, you just might have a good time.

Let's keep the vampire theme going with...a woman lusting after a pre-teen? Stay tuned...

Video Nasty: Cat in the Brain

Lucio Fulci was a weird man and made really weird movies. Today's film is no exception. The weirdest subject left to cover: himself.  I should probably explain that, right?  Well, I won't.  Instead, i'll cut the crap and jump right into...

To preface the film, you need to know about its cast. The film is co-written by, co-produced by and directed by Fulci. But wait, there's more!  The movie also stars Lucio as...Lucio Fulci.

No, I'm not kidding. Just go with it.

Lucio is in the middle of making a new movie, but is starting to feel weird. Maybe it is the fact that he has a tape of a cat eating what appears to be eating brain jerky in his possession. Despite this, he manages to also work on Sodoma's Ghost (not a good film, as you recall). In a scene that you would not see re-enacted until Adaptation, he meets up with one of the actors before shooting a scene. Well, to be realistic, he does reaction shots that are synced up with footage from the film. Get used to this, loyal readers.

The film is a mix of graphic and strangely muted scenes. On one hand, you get re-used footage of a body being vivisected by a chainsaw. On the other hand, you have a Fulci freak out that is not actually shown. Instead, they simply have his agent go 'why did you do etc etc.' You won't show that, but you will show a woman being decapitated by a chest lid (don't ask)?!? This film was banned by England, but I wondered why at times.

Sometimes though, I do get it.

The narrative is really confusing here. Basically, Fulci has issues and goes to see a Therapist. Said therapist has even more issues than him, what with being emotionally-castrated by his wife. He convinces Lucio to see crazy hallucinations on cue (don't ask) and proceeds to go on a killing spree of people near where the Director goes. His killings are the only new death scenes in the film and are pretty good. 

Nothing stands up to the recycled footage of the kid randomly getting his head cut off with a chainsaw though.

Stop now if you don't want to know about the ending...

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*
*

The ending is just weird, stupid and oddly shot. Fulci goes to his friend after 'seeing his family be killed' in archival footage. He goes off later and wakes up near a dead body. He pleads to his friend to believe his innocence, prompting the man to smile. His buddy called the police (not shown), had Fulci...and the psychiatrist...tailed (not shown), and they caught the guy, killing him in the process (not shown). Are you kidding me?!? You have to do better than that, movie. Lucio goes on a holiday boat ride with a young woman (since creepy old men with Diabetes make girls wet?!?), but seemingly kills her. They pull out to reveal that this is for a film (wait...huh?) and then he actually leaves. My brain hurts.

This movie is really not that good. On the surface, you get a high body count to boast about. The problem: this film is marketed to Fulci fans who have probably seen all of his movies up until this point (1990). So, you're just replaying stuff that they have already seen to support a thin premise that makes no sense? Sure. It is a film curiosity for sure. Is that enough? I'm not sure. On the plus side, this movie doesn't fall apart after 20 minutes like Manhattan Baby (more on that later). You can do worse with Fulci, but not by a whole lot.

Next up, what is better than a vampire, you ask? How about a space vampire...who is naked all of the time? Stay tuned...

R.I.P. Frankenstein

I'll see you later, pal. You will always be the real Dracula to me. See you on the other side, Kain.

Zombie-a-Go-Go: Dead Heat

This nearly ended up in 80s Trash, but it makes it here for one key reason: Piscopo! Pair this steroid-ridden comic up with Treat Williams- star of The Substitute 3 and 1941- and you have a hit on your hands. But wait, there's more! A famous horror icon makes a small appearance that immediately makes the film 100x better. Who? Read the review and find out. I bring you...

Dead Heat

The film starts out bad enough by giving us the major cliches of cop-dom: the good cop and the eccentric/lazy cop. Wow, this is the laziest writing I have ever heard of. Oh wait, Treat's character is named Roger Mortis. I spoke too soon. They attempt to break up a robbery and shoot a man full of holes. Somehow, he refuses to go down. What is he, Rambo? Finally, they run him over with a car. That was odd. Let's investigate.

*

This leads them to a mysterious company that is doing mysterious things. I sense no subtext or foreshadowing here. Let's move on.

*

Unfortunately, another pair of zombies show up to cause more trouble for our duo. Will they find time to bicker and exchanged bad 80s dialogue? Kiss my grits, but don't call me Shirley- they do! They return to the company building after seeing the zombies melt, but not before getting a tongue lashing from their boss Commander Kolchak. During an investigation, Treat is tossed into an air-sealed room and left to die. Oh, what a shame. The End, right?

*

It turns out that one of the scientists feels bad and decides to re-animate the star of Everwood. There is one catch however: his body will break down in 12 hours or so. Thanks for bringing him back so that he can melt to death instead, lady!

*

Long story short- an evil guy is bringing people back to life as a way to stay alive forever. Wow, that is a pretty dumb plot. Can you distract me from this fact, movie? Oh, you appeared to have re-animated an entire Chinese restaurant kitchen. Touche, movie. The movie also throws lots of shoot-outs, explosions and fires to distract you. Even so, one thing is still missing from the movie. During the big 'plot reveal' scene, the evil villain finally reveals himself as...

*

VINCENT PRICE! He is the evil man, although he really doesn't have much to do. In fairness, which would you rather have- him or Piscopo? The whole thing ends rather weirdly, so I won't spoil it for you. Sufficed to say, it is simultaneously conclusive and inconclusive. Make of that what you will.

*

I have a soft spot for this movie, although I cannot truly explain why. It is stupid and silly, but very entertaining. Even in spite of Piscopo, it is a very entertaining film, which is only hampered by a refusal to show some real gore. You will either love this movie or hate it. I can just tell you that it is loads of fun and leave it at that.

*

I just can't stay away from Lucio Fulci films. Come see why I probably should. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Thundarr the Barbarian

In a way, I am sad that I am younger than I am. In part, I wish I could have seen some of the crazy films from the 1970s and 80s when they were fresh and from this perspective. That also applies to the cartoons of this era. One show that I have learned to love through the advent of cable is...

Thundarr the Barbarian

It is hard to explain the concept of this show in any logical manner, but that won't stop me. Logic and I are not good friends, but we can give it a shot!

*

In the future (read: 1994), a major disaster has ravaged the world. Man, how many cartoon shows start out with that?!? In the wake of this, people reverted back to the old ways of magic and swords. Not everyone got the memo, however, and many people use advanced technology instead. In a world of wizards, monsters and cyborgs, only our titular hero can save the day.

*

The cast of this show is interesting, to say the least. Our hero is a man in the mold of Yor, Conan and Kamandi. He wields his famous 'Sun Sword,' which is basically a light saber. His first companion is Ariel- not to be confused with the mermaid- the sorceress. She does not have much back story, but she can pretty much make anything out of yellow energy a la Sinestro and can be a walking deus ex machina at times. Lastly, there is Ookla the Mok, who is a weird alien/Wookie thing. They never go all that in-depth on the guy, which might be the point. Then again, if the show had been given more than 21 episodes, they might have as well.

*

To be honest, the show is a little stock at times when it comes to plot. Thundarr and company go somewhere, come across a problem and try to save the day. Where it sells you is the strange characters and visuals. A robot wizard with a rotating face and personality? Check. (A side note- this character debuted three years before Man-E-Faces) If you want to see monsters fight robots and a wizard, this is your show. If you can't make sense of it all, just go along for the ride.

*

Do you like zombies and Joe Piscopo? Well weirdo, I have something for you. Stay tuned...

Bad Doggie!: Zoltan...Hound of Dracula

Dracula films are a dime a dozen. The poor guy has been in New York, San Francisco, China and Turkey, just to name a few. Hell, the guy has even been in outer space! There have been nearly 200 films and TV appearances by the poor Transylvanian. Let's give the guy a break for a while and talk about...

Zoltan...Hound of Dracula

Yes, this movie is as stupid as it sounds. I just thought that you should know that.

*

The film is set in the Russian wilderness where a crypt has been hidden for 200 hundred years. The drilling and explosive demolition work unearths the place though, allowing a certain resident to get free. That resident: an evil dog. I bet you're wondering why Dracula didn't awaken from the same tomb. That is a good question.

*

Through the magic of lazy screenwriting, our villainous hound manages to track down one of Dracula's far-off descendants while he goes on vacation with his family. Around the same time, an expert in the occult (Jose Ferrer) gets alerted to the danger and rushes off to intercede. Well, in reality, he takes nearly forty-five minutes of screen time to get there. He must have caught every red light, I guess.

*

The biggest problem with the movie is its premise. You are supposed to be scared and shocked by a pack of vampire dogs. What makes them vampires? The yellow overlay effect given to their eyes, of course. This actually plays a part in the big finale...but more on that later. Basically, villain and hero end up in close proximity, while a random family gets in the way. Their poor puppies are killed for the crime of...being there. This is going to get bad, isn't it?

*

Honestly, the movie just loses all its momentum by about an hour into it. The setup is too long and there is really not much to look forward to. You get one good scene of claustrophobic horror as Zoltan and company try to kill the family whilst inside a shack. Eventually, evil is thwarted and the day is saved...or is it?!? The film shows some carnage on the next night as a line of animal bodies litter the floor. The film slowly pans out to reveal...the cutest vampire ever! Seriously, a vampire puppy is the best thing that they could manage. Even Rats: Night of Terror could do better than that. Not much, but by a little. You can do far better than this movie. Of course, the title could have told you that.

*

We made it through the whole alphabet. How about we break for cartoons? Stay tuned...

Bi-Polar Cinema: Yo-Yo Girl Cop

I get the impression that it will seem like I am picking on Asia with this series. That is far from the truth. That is what 'WTF Japan' is for. They just seem to have this weird mind-set for it. Today's film does not sound like it belongs, but, oh does it indeed. It is...

Yo-Yo Girl Cop

This is billed as an action movie centered around an undercover lady cop who infiltrates a High School and uses a quirky weapon. Sounds fun, right? Sigh.

*

The film begins with...a young person wandering the streets in a daze. People ignore her and try to go on with their lives. That proves to be a bad decision as a bomb was tied to her and she blows up in the center of Tokyo's famous square (basically Time's Square). Still having fun?

*

This event leads the government to bring out a prisoner whom they think can help solve the crime. No, this is not 48 Hours. The prisoner is a young woman with a dark past who they keep in a big, open cage a la Hannibal Lecter. After some reluctance, she agrees and...puts on a Japanese school girl outfit. Right.

*

She finds it hard to get in initially, but works her way to be friends with a sad young woman. Thanks, movie, we needed more. After a while, she finds out why. A friend of her's was constantly being bullied and snapped. She decided to commit suicide, although she only managed to be put in a persistent vegetative state. More fun! Our hero learns that something else came out of this incident: the formation of a terrorist cell. That's right- a terrorist cell of Japanese 'teenagers' (most of them appearing to be at least 22) in a High School. As far as the movies I watch go, this seems logical.

*

Over forty-five minutes in, we finally get some real action and it is...actually pretty good. First, you get the hero's change into her battle uniform. She fights one of the ring leaders, who has similar taste, in an area surrounded by lots and lots of metal pipes. Will that play a factor? This gives the first major use of the titular weapon. It is a badge that doubles as a battle yo-yo. I wonder if mine does that? After defeating the woman, she battles the real villain and his group of armed thugs, one of whom is played by Versus' Tak Sakaguchi. Why? Who the hell knows?!?

*

It turns out that the whole thing is a red herring to commit a robbery. Wait, what?!? Anyhow, this fails as well and the villain is blown up. The day is saved...although hundreds of people have still died from that first major attack.

*

I really wanted to love this movie. My friends can attest as to just how much I tried to pressure them into renting it as a group. In a way, I'm really glad that they turned me down so many times. After enduring stuff like Moon Child and Feeders 2, I am glad that I did not force them to watch another misleading movie. Of course, we later ended up watching The Human Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy, so I only delayed 'judgment day' it seems. Ah well.

*

Let's switch back to America and their love of dogs. This one is not so nice. Stay tuned...

WTF Britain?!?: Xtro

I've covered the television shows of England (with plenty more to come) so far, I decided to take a stab at one of their films. If you have ever wondered what an American film would look like filtered through the U.K., check out...

Xtro

The film starts out strong enough with a kid playing catch with his dad and dog. in the countryside. Out of nowhere, an alien space ship shows up and it turns into night. In a scene eerily similar to that in Twister, the dad is pulled away. Have fun growing up, kid.

*

Three years later, the mom has moved on, is engaged to another man and the kid is a little weird. Meanwhile, a couple is out for a late night ride when a meteorite crashes, A weird alien emerges and it walks like the 'spider-girl' from The Exorcist. It kills them both and proceeds to kill a lonely house woman. In one of the movie's first infamous gore scenes, our missing dad emerges hole from the woman's...uh, hole. Despite all the gore, it is still less creepy than the rhino scene from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. Naturally, he goes back to check on the family.

*

The whole thing is a bit awkward to be honest. Mom still likes him, but insists against this when her fiancee questions her about it. He moves back into the house and the kid is happy. Dad is quite weird though, choosing to eat a snake's eggs instead of...well, the weird crap that British people eat. He converts his kid into an alien the Dracula way and things just get freaking weird. I'll sum it up for you...

-The kid gets powers and decides to screw with reality.
-His toy clown becomes an evil midget with a knife.
-His G.I. Jack doll grows full-size and kills their neighbor for the crime of killing his snake.
-His slutty babysitter is killed and placed in a cocoon for some reason.

*

If you can make sense of anything after or around this point, then you are a better man than I. Something happens out on the farm, the new boyfriend tries to make sense of all of this and the father-son duo transform into aliens. Also, somewhere in all of this, a black panther appears. Just go with it, people. If you question this, then you are just...a sane person. Me, I'm a guy who watches films about mutant rats in the future.

*

I enjoyed it, even if I still don't get it. If nothing else, watch the interview with the director and the alternate endings. You will see that even he finds the movie- and the sequels (upcoming reviews for sure)- stupid and illogical. Who am I to disagree?

*

You want more bi-polar cinema? How dare you! I'm sad now. Stay tuned...

Mondo-nesia: The Warrior

Indonesia is a strange place. They have given us such odd classics as The Queen of Black Magic, Mystics in Bali and Lady Terminator. They also brought us The Devil's Sword, which shares the same lead as today's film...

The Warrior

On top of being a rare, foreign import film, it is also an adaptation of a famous comic book from this country. A crazy, action comic-book film from Indonesia? Need I say more? I suppose so.

*

This movie takes place during the Dutch occupation of the country. You all remember that, right? Let's move on. A freedom fighter named Jaka Sembung is standing strong against them, much like a very kick-ass Gandhi. In the beginning, he escapes from a chain-gang and prepares another attack. This leads the clearly-not-Dutch to seek out a powerful fighter to kill him. One finds them, however, and makes his way right into their compound.

*

How tough, you ask? I dunno, how about super-strength? That do anything for ya?
How about the power to absorb bullets from 200 yards...with super-tough skin?!?
How about the power...to be stabbed through the head by Jaka Sembung? Well, now he's dead.

*

In most films, I would wonder how the back of his head is vulnerable while the front is not. In this film, it is the most logical thing. After this failure, they get a little desperate. They hire a wizard with buck teeth to resurrect an even more powerful wizard. They are sold after he demonstrates Yoda-esque powers on one of the 'Dutch' lieutenants. The new wizard re-attaches his body to his head and gets to work. The villains draw out Jaka and our villain kicks his ass with Jedi magic. They're doomed.

*

At this point, the film ventures into blatantly ripping off other famous heroes' stories. For example, Jaka is blinded and, later, bursts free of prison by pulling out the pillars. Sound familiar? That's Samson. During his escape attempt, he is turned into a pig and chased away. Is that Greek enough for you? The film does have some of it's own ideas though. One of Jaka's allies is wounded during his rescue and dies, so a good wizard gives him her eyes via magic. Yes, they show it. It is time for payback!

*

Jaka has an epic battle against the wizard, which you can see here. It involves flying limbs, leaping people and swords. It is epic and completely weird. I was sold on the movie on this clip alone and you likely will be too. With that out of the way, him and his troops go to assault the main compound. This is a great series of scenes, save for the forced inclusion of the lone comic character. We don't always need them, Asian filmmakers! Jaka kills the General and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh wait, he's not dead and accidentally kills his daughter. Okay, most people live happily ever after.

*

It is time to cover something new- namely, our neighbors from the stars. Stay tuned...

Captain's Log: Visiting Hours

Star Trek was a good show, although it had its sketchy moments. T.J. Hooker was not. Boston Legal was a really good show, albeit silly and erratic in tone. I give you all of this information to give you a good idea about the star of all of these: William Shatner. His films have had the range of good (Kingdom of the Spiders), quirky (Incubus) and bad (The Devil's Rain). Today's film is none of those though. It is...

Visiting Hours

The film begins with a woman giving a stirring speech on a network news show. When a film immediately reminds me of The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, it is not good. Our lady does not turn into a white wolf, but, instead is rebuked by her boss (Shatner). He tells her that it is dangerous to talk out about a person that is still on the streets and refuses to play the video. Keep this in mind. She goes home, but finds her roommate/sister/this movie never really explains her importance has left the house a mess. After a long build-up, a threat reveals itself as...

*

Shirtless Michael Ironside covered in earrings! If that is not scary, nothing is! He chases her around, stabs her a couple of times and, finally, thwarts her escape via Dumb Waiter. Rather than killing her, he lets her live another day, which turns out to be in the hospital. She is told that she has to undergo surgery to fix her wounded arm and her boss visits her (fulfilling the second of his five scenes). She is befriended by a nice nurse, but her attacker is still loose. Disguised as a flower delivery man, he gets into the hospital and finds the woman's room. He sees a woman on life-support and cuts her tube. It turns out that they moved our heroine, although the whorish nurse is killed for investigating. Not Whore Nurse!!

*

This movie tends to venture into numerous side-plots that feel unrelated at this point. Our villain picks up a woman at a soda joint. She comes home with him...because a balding Ironside in a vinyl shirt is irresistible, but it turns bad and fast! He rapes her and then the scene cuts. We also get a glimpse of the nurse's home life, which includes a daughter and a young lady who looks like more than just a babysitter. Maybe it's because she suddenly sits down next to the woman on her bed in only a towel that makes me think that. The woman is divorced, which apparently I care about. Plus, we get Ironside at an old folk's home with his dad. We get Psycho IV-style flashbacks to sort-of explain the villain's motivation. Where did you go, plot?

*

I have to address one glaring problem with this movie: the premise. It is built entirely around Michael Ironside's ability to blend in and get into any building. Is he at all inconspicuous? He never once stops making his evil face, but wears glasses or different uniforms. Picture Ted Bundy. Now picture him in glasses. Would you automatically let your guard down around this person? Hell no. In fairness, this is sort of a Catch-22. The guy looks really creepy and is effective in the role. He is simply not believable as a master of disguise, glasses or not.

*

The movie does get pretty good in the finale, although some stuff is a bit sketchy. The villain tricks his way into the hospital, while the police find his apartment thanks to a very elaborate group of subplots. Basically, the girl he raped goes to a Free Clinic that our nurse just happens to work at one day a week. She later comes to the nurse and proves useful to the plot. He attacks our heroine again, but she manages to flee. She is tricked into taking the elevator into the basement, which appears to be the same one from Clonus. In a stupid twist, it is also where another one of his victims is being treated. Really, movie?!? She manages to trick the man and stabs him to death. No, wait! He's still alive for one last...never mind. He's dead. The End.

*

In all honesty, this movie is pretty good. It is for that reason that it avoided being classified as '80s Trash.' Shatner is barely in the movie, but does liven it up when he appears. Ironside is very good at his role, even if it is barely-written. He is solely a crazy man who hates strong women due to a past incident. No complexity here, people. The pacing is pretty well and it does not always jump right to the killing. If you can accept the absurdity of Ironside sneaking past everyone, you can have a good time.

*

You want more Mondo and more Macabro. Okay. Stay tuned...

Silent But Deadly: Un Chien Andalou

I bet you were not expecting this, were you? A silent, French art film- you? This is a famous film and is the first official film to give rise to something I am a fan of- gore. Plus it is one of the few films to be directed by a famous artist (not including The Spirit...which sucks). Let's dig right in to...

Un Chien Andalou

Let me get this quick dig out of the way: this movie makes no sense. It has barely any logical flow to it...which is kind of the point. Salvador Dali was never a man of common sense and will never be that understood. I live less than 20 miles from a museum dedicated to the man and I don't get him.

*

Also, the title has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Much like 2005's Tom Yung Goong, the title is just there. Maybe Dali had a reason for it...but probably not. Okay, actual plot now.

*

The film begins with a man sitting around and playing with a straight razor. For no apparent reason, he grabs his wife and cuts her eye open. This makes as much as it sounds. Want an explanation? Too bad. It cuts to 'eight years later' as a man rides a bike while dressed as a nun. He collapses right before meeting his lady lover. Why? Another good question. You get no answers from me, but you do get a scene of person with ants coming out of their hand.

*

In case you had not figured it out, this is not a film for people who want questions answered. You get a blind man being run over by a car, two priests (one of them Dali) being dragged down the street and a death's head moth. Why? Seriously, stop asking questions. If you want to make sense of this movie, either get a partial lobotomy or take peyote. It is nineteen minutes long, so make the effort.

*

This is a good movie, although it is hardly a film. It is a series of random, unrelated vignettes that make no sense. It is nothing more and nothing less. My biggest complaint is honestly not with the film, but with all of the DVD releases. They want you to pay as much as $30 for a copy of a film that is less than twenty minutes long. This would be a great film to cover for Interweb Cinema, but not a DVD. Watch it if you like old-time insanity, but, if you plan to buy it, get it cheap.

*

I think one man needs his own segment. That man: Shaaaaatttttneerrrr!!!!! Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Tokyo Gore Police

Even after all this time, movies can still throw me for a loop. I like that. No matter how jaded or bored can I be when it comes to conventional cinema, a movie just comes out that says 'hey, pay attention! I have something insane to say." In this case, it is...

Tokyo Gore Police

The best description of this movie is: Troma meets Japanese insanity. If you think you can handle that, read on.

*

The film begins with a bunch of informational videos about the new police and the world of 'today.' The police have been replaced with a company that sends out sadists to enforce the law. Basically, Blackwater is in charge of Japanese law. This turns out useful when vengeful 'Engineers' are running around killing people. Do they sound dangerous to you? They are.

*

The first one we see swings a chainsaw around until his arm is shot off by the 'police.' Through the power of science, the arm grows back and has the chainsaw attached to it now. He proceeds to swing it around like a flail, maiming his attackers and sending fountains of blood spraying. Get used to that. Our heroine shows up at the bottom of the building and needs to get up quick. Naturally, she does the 'rocket jump' from Team Fortress and flies into battle. She cuts him into dozens of pieces with her katana and collects them up. Otherwise, he will just come back again. Duh.

*

The movie is a mix of weird plot points and insane mutations. Basically, in the wake of some major upheaval, this company took over and our heroine is the adopted daughter of its leader. She runs afoul of a rebel leader who makes the Engineers and proceeds to slash his eyes out. Don't worry, he just grows new ones. He talks about a conspiracy by the police captain, but she doesn't believe it. Oh crap, here comes a giant alligator-mutant lady! The film's love of mutants is often in conflict with the plot. In fairness, which one is better?

*

The plot just continues to get weirder. Without spoiling everything, I want to give you an idea of what you will get.
-A gimp girl with swords for limbs
-A man with a gun that fires fists.
-The most complex assassination plot since JFK.
-A man with the most phallic weapon ever!
-An insane, albeit functional, use of super blood spraying.

*

This movie is certainly not for everyone. Hell, it is not for most people. It is for cinematic sickos, lovers of the absurd and those that just love blood spray. There is more arterial spraying in this film than the entire Lone Wolf and Cub series combined. It is a climax of puppeteer work, make-up oddities and insanity. Yes, I have said 'insane' a lot here. Once you watch the movie, you will too. To put it in perspective, the most normal things in the film are the casting of the lady from Audition and a scene where we meet Satan. No, really.

*

As Cleese once said, 'And now, for something completely different." Stay tuned...

Thai-namite: SARS Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis

Thailand is a really strange place. They love knee strikes, stunt crashes and transsexual kick boxers. Their film industry has been in a fairly steady boom ever since the rise of Tony Jaa, even if this has not been as sustained as they would like. Numerous other stars have tried to leap-frog into prosperity. This is the tale of one of them...

SARS Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis

To forewarn you, this is a really weird film. It is a mix of horror, action, suspense and anime. Yes, I said 'anime.' It makes as much sense as you would think.

*

The movie begins in Africa with a 4th strain of the SARS virus turning people into zombies. Through an insane jump in logic, the virus gets over to Thailand, in spite of government reports about the country's immunity. Around the same time, the daughter of a rich tycoon is kidnapped by a strange group of criminals. One of them is a transvestite (see, it is popular) and another is a furry. I wonder if these two stories will combine somehow?

*

Desperate for help, the tycoon hires his old friend Master Thep, but he can't go. Instead, he sends his young pupil to do the job. Unfortunately, he arrives after the zombie outbreak has occurred at the same hotel that she is being held. Oh and there is a giant zombie snake there too. This should get interesting.

*

The film gets completely crazy at this point. You get zombies being shot, people being shot and people being eaten by a giant snake. That is just the tip of the iceberg. You want a baby zombie? Done. You want a scientist who wears fetish gear under her lab coat? Done. How about the old master cutting up zombies with a light saber? Done and freaking done! It is all fun and games until our hero gets bitten by a zombie and commits suicide by drinking a closet full of cleaning supplies? What? Oh, apparently that is the exact cure for the zombie infection. What luck!

*

There is a lot in this film that I have not covered. Honestly, this film works by constantly throwing more surprises at you. If I expose all of them, SARS Wars is not nearly as good. If you are interested, just go see it already. Fans of absurdist cinema and strangeness will have a damn good time. All you squares...probably would not be reading past the title. This should be enough to tide you over. Rent/own and enjoy- I know that I did.

*

Japan keeps upping the ante and so will I. Once again, I ask 'WTF Japan?!?" Stay tuned...

Zombie-a-Go-Go: Resident Evil- Degeneration

This is a rare breed of review for me. It is a cartoon, but it is not aimed at children. Honestly, it is not really aimed at older adults either. It is aimed at a very specific group: people that can pretend that the Resident Evil games have a good plot. The film is rife with zombies as well, so it fits more for this category. Confusing? Yes. You haven't even gotten to the plot of...

Resident Evil: Degeneration

To begin with, this film sits in a sort of weird place in regards to Resident Evil continuity. Given that you have Resident Evil 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5, plus 0 and all the spin-off games (Code Veronica, etc), nothing will be simple here. This is what you need to know.

-Raccoon City is in ashes.

-Zombies were loose there.

-Two people survived and kept killing zombies.

*

The film proper begins with news-talk about mysterious plagues and diseases in overseas locations and protests regarding the company suspected for being behind them. The company's president is a man who appears to be more slug than man. Needless to say, realistic skin texture rendering does not do him a good service here. We cut to an airport where he is trying to remain discreet and avoid protesters. He runs afoul of a foreign woman and her child, accompanied by Claire Redfield. Man, where's a plane when you need one?

*

Suddenly, a plane crashes into the terminal, sending numerous sprites flying and terrifying the others. At least this cannot get worse. Faster than you can say 'I saw this in Nightmare City,' a group of zombies emerge from the wreckage and attack anyone in sight. Claire fends them off, but must flee the mass assemblage of the undead. Send in the big, blond hero!

*

Our hero is Leon from the original Resident Evil is called in as to help the situation on order of the President. So, is this after Resident Evil 4? We never get our answer as he goes in with a small number of S.W.A.T. members, one of whom is voiced by Steven Jay "Wolverine" Blum. Sadly, his rough and tumble cop character does not last long enough to distract from the plot for too long. In a relatively short order of time, Claire and Leon meet up and rescue all the innocents...plus the C.E.O. This is just a really short film?

*

No, it seems that the plot is a bit more complicated. The zombies were a result of a terrorist attack by someone who stole the T-Virus and wants to ruin the corporation. But wait, there's more. The company...is actually good. I bet you didn't see that coming. Chris and Jill both look into the villain's past, the latter of which goes to the company building. Guess who is coming to pay a visit and kill people.

*

The film gets loud, complicated and expository at this point. Lots of people get shot and even more people decide to give you their life's story. The highlights include the squadron of 'red shirt' security guards, the guy who turns into Soul Edge from the Soul Calibur games and Leon's running. Leon runs more than Tom Cruise and actually seems to set many land-speed records in the process. The film turns into really long game cut scenes at times and really overuses the 'run away from peril' in slow-motion-to-full-speed trope. I counted at least ten times of it happening. We get it- he's fast and things fall/explode. Move on, movie. Evil gets killed and good triumphs. You were expecting something else?

*

In light of the holiday, I will cover the men of the army...of Thailand. Stay tuned...