Dos Ex Machina: Evilspeak

This Satan fellow really gets around. He has been a force in every country, from England (Satan's Slave) to Spain (Alucarda) to Indonesia (The Killing of Satan). His stops in America have been more famous, although today's subject is one of the few exceptions. Why have we completely forgotten about...

Evilspeak

I will preface this review by stating that a lot of this plot will seem very contrived. That is all.

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In an elite military school, young boys are turned into men a la Robert E. Lee or Ulysses S. Grant. Then there is our hero. He is clumsy, out of shape and going prematurely bald. The best and the brightest, my ass! Actually, it is stated that he only got in because of his family's legacy and he sure knows it. He is disrespected, pushed around and generally talked down-to. This sure won't end in a bloody rampage, right?

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Left to his own devices, the young man discovers a computer that is used to catalog old religious artifacts. While in the basement, he discovers numerous Satanic works. That is sure odd to have at a Catholic school, isn't it? Maybe it has something to do with the intro of the movie showing a heretic (played by Richard Moll) being decapitated over one-hundred years ago. Fed up with being messed with, our young hero begins to learn a spell of power. It requires some stuff that is not easily found. More torture, I guess.

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This movie is full of characters that are just unnaturally mean. Our lead discovers a puppy that he keeps down in the attic. After a night of drinking and carousing, the tormentors wander down to the attic. They see Clint's Commodore 64 out with instructions on how to summon Satan. Seeing that he needs innocent blood, they naturally grab the puppy and kill it with a sacrificial dagger. Wait, what?!? I've heard of angry drunks, but murderous drunks are a new thing to me entirely. This pushes our hero over the edge and to finish the spell. Crap is going to come down now, people!

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After a long build-up, super-evil Clint is born. He first causes a nail on a statue of Jesus to drive through the forehead of the Chaplain. Blowing a hole in the floor, he emerges through it a la Cathy Rigby. He is a bit creepier than her, with his hair matted back and sword in hand. A bloody and vicious series of killings takes place. Oddly, nobody survives this and there is no comeuppance for our hero/villain. Um...okay. The End.

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This movie is a strange, strange thing. It is basically a rip-off of Carrie, but with a guy and Satan. It has the same pacing of its inspiration and works like any other revenge film. The difference is that his tormentors go above and beyond the normal call of duty for a bully. The message is also odd: Satan will solve all of your problems. A curious film that all interested parties should see at least once.

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You want parody films really need? Lots of nudity. Stay tuned...

$hitema: Death Bed

I watch a lot of bad movies. Many of them are 'good' ideas (Sodoma's Ghost), but are executed badly. Many are just too quirky(Killer Tomatoes Eat France) or strange for their own good (Izo). Then there are movies that are just bad ideas and could not have ever made good movies. Examples of such being Blood Freak and The Gardener. Today's film is another example, but a funnier one...

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Just because of what day it is, I am required to make the following lead-in: this is one Mother of a weird movie! Now that that is out of the way, let us move on.

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The film begins with a droning narration from a very curious narrator. Good start, movie. That man is a person who, upon his death, became trapped in a painting. It is sort of like Dorian Gray, only crap. For laziness though, he is not actually a part of the painting. The film shows him as sitting down in a chair behind a piece of glass that is supposed to be the painting. You are really trying for symbolism is a film called Death Bed?

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Our narrator lazily explains that the bed in this abandoned house is evil. How? Why? You'll find out much later. Instead, we get a group of ladies wander upon the house and just sort of make themselves at home. I guess the lack of a door to the bedroom is an 'a-okay' for them. We then get our first dramatic test of human logic: two are going to go out and one will sleep, despite it being early afternoon. She explains that she sleeps better during the day. Are you half-vampire or all-stupid? The bed slowly eats her, getting all of her clothing and her book first.

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I have to explain how bad the killing effects are here, since they use them about 600 times. The bed makes a bad stomach-grumbling sound and people/objects begin to sink into the bed. They immediately appear in what seems to be a big tank of yellow water and bubbles. Lots of red dye is squeegeed in, supposedly-symbolizing their deaths. It is as stupid as it sounds. Mix that in with the slow-motion and dubbed-in 'chewing sounds' & you have a really stupid scene. It only gets better during the 'death over the years' montage. This includes a massive orgy (not shown in detail) on a single bed. Not only is it evil, but the damned thing is adamantium-reinforced!

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The movie continues to stretch logic as it goes on too! One girl gets dragged in legs-first, but manages to get away. She crawls all of the way to the door (they show it too) before the bed shoots out a drape and pulls her back in. There is also the guy who gets his hands pulled in while attempting to stab the bed (no, really). He manages to pull them out, but is left with really bad prop skeleton hands. The movie shows us as it slowly falls apart too. Thanks, movie. The whole thing builds up to the narrator finally telling someone the secret of how to kill the bed. Basically, you do witchcraft, draw a circle of blood and is explodes in flames when you do that. That was simple enough, huh?

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This is a really bad movie. That said, it is also quite funny. Unlike other films like Blood Freak, killings and the like occur in the first hour. They are really dumb, but they happen. The fact that Death Bed loves its own stupid effects so much is all the better. If you can get past the slow opening and accept that crappy characters/dialogue/acting/plot for humor, you will have a pretty good time.

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Hey Satan, you want to make another movie? It will star Clint Howard. Stay tuned...

Video Nasty: Contamination

How bad do you have to be to get banned by an entire country like England? Blood? Good start. Boobs? Those definitely help. How about aliens, exploding chests and astronauts? Yeah, that will do it. Like today's film...

Contamination

The story begins with a deserted tanker ship floating into the New York harbor. Oh my god, Dracula is here! No, it turns out the ship is...empty. Upon further examination, it is filled with dead bodies with missing mid-sections and weird egg things. Something may be out of the ordinary.

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When they get to the bottom, they discover one of the alien Cadbury eggs by a steam pipe and go to investigate. It sprays goo over three men and they begin to gyrate. All of a sudden, the front of their chests explode outwards! Damn!

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The lone survivor is taken into government custody and questioned repeatedly. For some reason, they doubt his story. He is questioned by a stern woman who does not particularly care for him. Meanwhile, they test the remains of an egg and discover that it is from...outer space! This inspires them to re-think the testimony of an astronaut who claimed to have seen similar eggs whilst on Mars. He has gone into hiding, however, and his comrade is dead.

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Eventually, he is found and is quite a bit disgruntled. Reluctantly, he agrees to help them after quite a bit of convincing. Their search brings them to South America, where the company whose name was on the boxes in the ship. A government worker, a cop and an astronaut cross international borders and go on an espionage mission- bad punch-line setup or Italian movie plot?

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The plot gets really crazy from here-on out. You see, the other astronaut is really alive and running a fruit company in the country. It is all a pretense to get the alien eggs all over the world and to allow them to take over the world. One of the big scenes involves the woman being locked in the bathroom with an egg ready to burst. After really, really ratcheting up the dramatic tension, the astronaut saves the day at the last minute. A good scene and a show of how foreign cinema believes in more unique pacing.

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The movie continues to get crazier. Two of the group go on a tour of the factory, but get caught. Our astronaut friend has to go undercover and infiltrate the factory. Fortunately, the factory workers wear Hazmat suits and carry AK-47s. The movie builds and builds up to the alien menace, which is...a giant Cyclops alien. Holy crap! Unfortunately, the thing can barely move and numerous camera changes have to cover for this. Eventually good triumphs and evil is thwarted. Well, except for a couple of eggs that are still in N.Y.C. Wait for the sequel...which never came.

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Is this movie good? Fairly. It is a unique mix of science-fiction, horror and pulp action. The acting is not bad, albeit oddly-dubbed. This film is a lost classic of sorts and deserves more attention than it gets. The confusion lies in the numerous release titles for the film, including Alien Contamination, Toxic Spawn and the original title Alien Comes to Earth. The DVD has a bunch of neat features, including an interview with the director Luigi Cozzi, who talks about how every film he has made has turned into a science-fiction one (i.e. Sinbad of the Seven Seas). Why? He just liked the genre and there was little call for it during the 70s. There- you just learned something.

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What's next? How about the worst movie monster of all time? Stay tuned...

Zombie-A-Go-Go: Burial Ground

The only thing more prevalent than zombies in horror cinema are vapid, busty blonds with no acting ability. While there are many famous films in the genre (Dawn of the Dead, White Zombie, etc.), there are also numerous obscure little gems in the bunch. For example, there are movies like today's subject...

Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror

I have to immediately take one issue with the title. The bulk of the movie takes place in one day and night. There is a technicality that could be involved though. I'll explain.

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The film begins with a professor who looks like the prospector from "The Final Sacrifice" wandering into a crypt and chipping away at a seal for no reason. Faster than you can say 'you are stupid for doing that,' zombies begin to wander towards him. As if this educated man did not seem dumb enough, he immediately drops his pick hammer. Yeah, he dies.

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Cut to the next day (that apparently being the first night of terror), a carpool of people is driving down a road, accompanied by the film's credits. We get three couples, one of whom has what we are told is a kid. Even a cursory look at him says that he is either a midget or has that disease from Jack. He's unsettling to say the least. The fact that he, along with everyone else, is dubbed, does not help.

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The couple's proceed to split up and attempt to have sex, leaving the one 'kid' alone to wander around. We basically cut from highly-edited make-out sessions to zombies wandering around. This allows you the chance to see that, as cool as the zombie masks look, they are clearly one-piece masks. Don't expect those mouths to open, people. A couple do come with maggots writhing around on the faces though. Gross, but clever, touch.

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The movie deftly mixes zombie cliches with some twists on the approach. For example, the zombies move with all the land-speed of one-legged sloths. However, the first guy to do is the guy with a gun. The scene where the zombie is set on fire after being doused with paint is so neat that they do it twice in a row. One of the most creative deaths involves the maid who is pinned to the window by a thrown nail through the hand. How the lethargic zombies did that is unknown. Once immobilized, they raise a sickle up and cut her head off. Implausible- yes. Cool- yes.

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Other than straight-forward zombie attacks, the movie does not have a lot more to offer. It is notable that these zombies pick up hand weapons, some ten plus years ahead of Land of the Dead, but roughly four years after Nightmare City. The creativity and mix of zombie masks is notable, although they all wear the same brown robes. Oh look, there are a bunch of mute men in brown, hooded robes. Why don't you go over and talk to them? They look ni-oops, they just ate you and attacked your friends. The film ends with a quotation, complete with a typo: 'nights' is spelled as 'nigths.' Good job, guys.

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That's enough zombie action for today. Next comes an explosive Italian import. Stay tuned...

Mondo Spaino: Alucarda

Satan is very popular...in cinema, that is. In most other places, he has nicknames like The Prince of Lies (America), the Deceiver (England) or Pitchfork-Scary Man (Japan). I'd apologize to the Japanese for that one, but they still owe me for 964 Pinnochio. Big Red plays a part in this film as well...

Alucarda

The film begins a young lady (Justine) being sent into the middle of damn nowhere. They are somewhat vague about why, but, given that she is from a family of Spanish Catholics, you can draw a pretty good conclusion. They dump her off in a private monastery that appears to be carved out of a cave.

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She quickly meets a new pal named Alucarda there. The girl is a bit odd, appearing for all intents and purposes to be an unrepentant Goth chick. Why is she there exactly? They do what all new friends do: go out in the wood and buy magical items for a man who appears to be half-Satyr and half-Hunchback. Of course!

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That night, Justine passes out mysteriously and is sent to her room. Alucarda begs and moans until she can stay with her alone. That is when all Hell breaks loose. The satyr-back appears out of nowhere, the ladies' clothes come off in a hurry and gyrations aplenty ensue. This is the high-point of insanity for the whole movie. In this five minute or so scene, the women cut themselves and drink a little of each others' blood, the sky rains blood and a massive Satanic orgy breaks out on the lawn. As suddenly as it starts, it ends abruptly as well.

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The girls start to act weird, including speaking Satanic verses in mass. Their cure is to tie them up to a pair of crosses, strip Justine (again) and proceed with more blood-letting (via numerous cuts over her body). This is after covering her with leeches the previous night. Yeah, she dies. Alucarda vows revenge, but I'm sure that nothing comes of it.

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Apparently I was wrong, as the young lady plots a gruesome revenge. In the meantime, she spends some time with a nice doctor (played by the villain from "Mansion of Madness") and his blind daughter. Summoning up her power, she heads back to the monastery for revenge. Faster than you can say 'FLAMING NUNS,' the lady has numerous women of the church running around on fire. Around the same time, Justine comes back to life in a pool of her own blood, but is killed again. It's the thought that counts, honey.

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I won't spoil the finale for you. I mean, save for the fact that more people get lit on fire and a giant cross plays a part in it. This movie is just plain weird. The freak-out scene takes place with almost no warning and ends before you can really process it. The story is really shallow (girl meets girl, girls worship Satan, everybody dies) and simplistic. This is another great release from Mondo Macabro, a company that hope lives forever. They give us good DVD transfers, obscure movies (Bollywood horror!) and a great trailer reel.

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I'm going to take a look at a genre that I have really not touched yet...mostly because they are sticky and gross. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Eko Eko Azarak II

You just knew that I couldn't stay away right? This one is a little while coming actually. I just needed time to process...

Eko Eko Azarak II: Birth of the Wizard

In case you did not read the review of the original film, this is the sequel...but it is really a prequel. What are you, Infernal Affairs II? Weirdos.

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A few years previous to Wizard of Darkness, our young lady is a bit more normal. She still has the weird habit of going from a 'scared Japanese girl' face to an 'Audition-looking psycho' face. At least we get a little back-story on this phenomena here.

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She lives a fairly normal life in a Tokyo apartment with some friends and attending school. This ends quickly when a possessed man shows up at the door and bashes her friend's head in. As you can see, the series' love of sudden, random gore is still prevalent. She arrives home too late to save her buddies and nearly gets killed herself.

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A mysterious young man saves her with a bat and they flee. Questions are raised when the man is killed by them and he turns out to be a mild-mannered scientist. This plot thread is ignored when more people show up in a similar way. Time to run away some more!

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This movie goes into full Buffy-mode and it is far more transparent than in Wizard. When I watch Part 3, I almost expect her to fight kung-fu using vampires. We cut from slow parts with her and the guy talking to people doing weird Satanic rituals and back again. What other movie can you say that about? I mean, besides Satan's Slave. All of this builds up to a big battle against the mysterious wizard.

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I have to admit that my interest was fairly waning at this point. The movie was just so 'same old, same old.' That changed when Misa manages to cast the ultimate black magic spell and summon Satan himself. The Prince of Lies shows up in full 'Goat-mode' and kills the villain. That is a pretty good finale. Our heroine sets off alone with a new pendant of power and right into the first film. The End.

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This movie could have been a lot better. The pacing is all over the place and you can never quite get used to it. This comes from it being a mix of J-Horror and teen horror films. Maybe you should not mix things all the time. Not every mix will be as good as Doritos and Chocolate Pudding. I still have two more of these films to do eventually. Don't rush out these DVDs on my account, Tokyo Shock.

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Another throwback segment tomorrow. I just cannot escape the Macabro. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Dragonslayer/Deathstalker III

No P.O.S. computer issues can keep me from posting. Dammit.

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Two different movies share one common trait amongst their varying plots, film quality and overall differences. Let's start off simple with a cult classic that has one dangling plot thread that strikes me...

Dragonslayer

To start off with, this is a good movie. As I said, there is just one thing that is a bit 'off'' about it. Shall I explain? I guess I should, yeah.

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Early on in the movie, the great wizard and mentor to our hero dies in a freak accident. This forces the newcomer to have to battle the powerful dragon on his own. Good luck, kid. Now, here's the thing: he comes back.

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Right when the big battle finally comes up, the wizard allows himself to come back to life. He explains that he could have done it at any point. So, why did you not help your student? Did you just not want to make the long trip to the cave? Really now!

Deathstalker III

See, now this movie I can make fun of freely. It sucks long, hard and often. Out of the four films in the series, only one is not on official DVD. Even Barbarian Queen II is on DVD. I'm just saying.

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Early on in the movie, the forces of the evil wizard villain attack the camp where Deathstalker and the good wizard are. The good one, using his Wonder Woman-esque powers teleports away with a spin. Where does he go? Just wait.

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Most of the movie goes by before we find out. Our hero goes to battle the villain and stumbles across the same stock footage bar scene that is in every Deathstalker movie. Seriously- check it out. Out of freaking nowhere, the wizard suddenly appears in the bad guy's castle. About four days have gone by in the story and he just shows up with no explanation. On top of that, he is immediately grabbed by guards and captured. What was the point?

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This movie is just plain bad. It is funny to laugh at, but not nearly as much as Deathstalker and it is not nearly as humorous on its own as Deathstalker II. The new actor playing the role is not as good as any of the other ones, which is a really bad insult if you think about it. The worst part is the wizard who has no plans, logic or follow-through. He must have been the director too!

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Let's talk a moment away from magic for a moment. Japan- I'm looking at you. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Supergirl

Everyone loves magic! Everyone loves movies! The combination of the two is a match made in Heaven. Unfortunately, it has often taken a guided tour through Hell. Confused? The first in my series of movies will show you the real danger...

Supergirl

Many of you are thinking 'this is a superhero film- putting magic in this movie would be stupid!' Yes, yes it would.

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In the wake of Superman II's success, the Salkynds got a young woman, put her in tights and tried to siphon off money from their cash-cow franchise. This is an early example of what the internet calls 'an epic fail.'

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On a neighboring planet of Krypton, peace is prevalent. When danger comes their way, they send a young woman from their planet to the save haven of Earth. Nah! I'm just kidding. She pretty much just leaves when a McGuffin crystal goes missing. I had you going for a moment though, didn't I?

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The first kick in the pants that the movie gives us a random news headline about Superman being out in space for some stupid reason. Thanks, movie. I'm sorry, but your Superman is in another castle. Don't fret, people. I'm sure that this movie can give us something to make up for this, right? They give us...Faye Dunaway? Swing and a miss.

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Our villain is an eccentric rich lady who also happens to be a witch. She tires of normal life...well, normal life for Faye Dunaway. Her life gains a purpose when she discovers the crystal of random-convenient powers. While our heroine wastes time in a prep school (heroically, mind you), our villain schemes to get it. When our plot finally makes Supergirl do something, the evil lady lashes out in the most horrific way...trucks.

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The evil witch attacks our hero with magically-controlled construction equipment when she finally sticks her nose in the plot. What ancient druid spell allows you to do that again? If you think that is bad, check out her follow-up: super-fast tilt-a-whirl. Seriously? Are you really trying? I don't think you could kill Beppo, the Super Monkey. By the way, that is a real character.

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The worst attempts at magic are actually much more subtle. A sub-plot involves Jimmy Olsen (the only hold-over from the Superman series) attempting to seduce Lois Lane's sister Lucy. First off, their parents must really love alliterations. Secondly, if you were really Superman's pal, you wouldn't even attempt to 'hit that.' I'd sick Iceman and the Smallville version of Parasite on you, if they weren't already played by you. Look it up, people.

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This movie is bad- plain and simple. It is sort-of funny to laugh at, but only if you have a really, strong will. It is bad, dated and silly. There is no real redeeming factor, even with Peter O'Toole's glorified cameo. Unless you love crap like Howard the Duck, avoid this movie.

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If you think that was a bad use of magic, wait until you see the world's two laziest wizards. Stay tuned...

Absurdity for Kids: Watership Down

Now that we've seen what neutering a concept for children looks like, let's take a gander at the flip-side of that. This is...

Watership Down

Let me preface a few things here first. I love this movie, the book is good (I'm sure) and the film holds up well. The film is just really, really not for kids.

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The movie begins with a narration about nature being assigned a series of roles by the Sun-God. Basically, rabbits were made into creative prey and they were surrounded by predators. Would they survive? Yes.

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In modern day, a group of rabbits live in the English countryside. Life is good. They eat grass, avoid humans and really avoid that damned dog. Not long after this, they begin to be killed, since rabbits are the prey of every animal in the world. Enjoy, kids!

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Their tentative survival is threatened by a crazed rabbit with a god-complex named General Woundwort. The fact that he is played by Zero Mostel (The Producers) is just a bonus for you, kiddies. He is here to stop our heroes from reaching the ultimate destination for free rabbits to live: Watership Down. I'm sure that there won't be a bloody battle before they get there.

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For once, I won't spoil the movie for you. This one is actually quite good and I want you to see it. Maybe dangling a carrot in front of you will work, proverbial or otherwise. The photo-realistic, watercolor look is amazing and makes you really empathize with the characters. The realism does not end there though. When animals fight, there is blood, scratches and dirt-flying. A kid's movie this is not.

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Do you like magic? You won't when I'm done with some crappy uses of it. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Mortal Kombat/Savage Dragon

Hey kids, do you like cartoons? You do? Great. Do you also like comic books and video games as well? Great. We, the good folks at the USA Network have a great block of programming for you. Let's start with...

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm

Remember that game that you played at the arcade, but never told your parents about? Now you can watch a show about it. But there's no blood, guts or fatalities. What is left? Um....Raiden. That's enough, right?

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The show is basically about the heroes (Raiden, Kung-Lao, etc) who battle the evil forces of Outworld. That is pretty much it. You weren't expecting Ran, were you? It's got robots in it too though. Plus, lots of jumping, flipping and kicking. You guys like those 'new' Jackie Chan movies, right? Yeah, we've got nothing. Just hold on for another fifteen minutes so that you can enjoy the other show in the block...

Savage Dragon

Everyone's favorite cult-comic full of violence, nudity and super-violence (i.e. God being kicked in the nuts) is now animated and on your televisions. Nothing was sacrificed in the transition. Well, all of the violence and nudity are gone. He's still a mutant cop though...but he never draws his gun at all. In fact, nobody draws their guns at all. Wait, don't leave yet!

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In this show, a man with no memory wakes up as a big, green mutant with a fin. Naturally, he joins the police force and fights other mutants. Plus, he makes friends with other green people. An evil mutant crime-boss is trying to take over the city and only our steroid-abusing friend can stop him. That's enough plot for you kiddies.

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Some of you may say that a superhero story notable for its violent tone and cursing is really not all that interesting when you take away those two factors. That is just nay-saying though. Sure, the plots are standard, the voice-acting is adequate and the animation is not really notable at all. All of those things make it sound boring. Yeah, our bad. Maybe we should stick to doing these kinds of shows on cable.

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What happens when you don't tone down the source material for the cartoon medium? Find out shortly. Stay tuned...

WTF Britain?!?: Look Around You

Now that we've had our share of fake authors pretending to fake doctors, let's move on to something more simple. Okay, that's a lie. Instead I'm going to talk about another high-concept, weird show called...

Look Around You

Do you remember watching odd science segments on television in the 1970s? No. Well, that would explain why it never took off, despite three different incarnations. Thanks to Adult Swim and the internet, this show has a new life. We still don't quite get it though.

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So what is the show? It is a series of science lessons presented by a group of hosts (whose membership per series due to the BBC) that are always, always inaccurate. They are also completely insane and funny as well. They present strange experiments and science exposes that often end up with very odd results.

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The series introduced a lot of weird characters and devices. There is the medicine-practicing robot called Medi-Bot and a horse that has a fool-proof system to gamble. His device is impressive, even if it is 90% manure. If you have not gotten a hint of what this show's humor was like, you are not too bright. The show never ever tipped its hand about being a parody. They never even promoted the celebrity cameos from people like Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Maybe they should have.

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This show is a strange treat that amuses, befuddles and draws groans. It is so silly, so subversive and so tongue-in-cheek that most people either didn't get it or simply did not care. No amount of tweaking allowed this show to get a solid and consistent run on television. It is a travesty that high-concept shows and/or subversive ones like this, Garth Marengi or my personal favorite Freakazoid get their due. That's what DVD is for, I guess. Maybe we can sort of make up for our mistakes by giving them a little royalty money.

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Let's take a step away from England for some fine children's programming. Stay tuned...

WTF Britain?!?: Garth Marengi's Dark Place

England is a really weird place. They call elevators 'lifts' and eat 'spotted dicks.' What is wrong with those people! The only thing weirder than their nomenclature and eating habits are their shows. Take for example...

Garth Marengi's Dark Place

To get a little back-story on the show, you need to look back to the 1980s and at one famous author: Roald Dahl. The author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory made his own Twilight Zone-esque show called Tales of the Unexpected. Nobody really followed it in the United States, but that did not stop a bunch of comedians from parodying it.

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It's not that simple though. You see, the show is portrayed as a revisiting of Garth Marengi's show from the 1990s. Garth is not a real person though. Confused yet? Keep up, people. Garth and the cast inter-cut the show footage to explain the problems/fun they had making it. Oddly, the female lead of the show does not appear in the 'modern footage.' They never quite explain it, though I imagine that has to do with the show not getting more than six episodes.

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What is the show about? Garth is the head doctor at a hospital that is rife with weird happenings. It is run by Dean Lerner, who is played by the show's producer...who is played by an actor. It also features a Spanish doctor who is always dubbed for no reason. The female doctor is a bit quirky, at one point having psychic powers related to her period. No, really. The setting is very weird. At one point, they show the female doctor and the Spanish one coming back from what looks like fencing practice. Throughout the show, people often travel from one side to the other via a jeep. What?

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The series was short, but strange. One show is about Garth protecting an eye-ball monster due to repressed feelings over the death of his grasshopper-esque son. Another has an outbreak of a Caveman virus throughout the hospital that is definitely not related to the green-glowing water. There are also numerous jokes throughout the show where Garth (in character) talks about random Garth Marengi novels and how they are better than people think. The lack of subtlety is intentional, for sure. I can only imagine what they would have done with more than a half-dozen shows.

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Is this show for everyone? Clearly not. The humor is weird, barely-explained and often hard to understand. It is one of those shows that really speaks to people who enjoy obtuse or complex humor...mixed with puns and sight gags. The jokes about the show-within-the-show are often just as funny. Enjoy the series in its entirety right here. The show has spun off into Man-to-Man with Dean Lerner and numerous stage shows. It's funny, misunderstood and completely insane- enjoy.

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More British shows to come. How does another obscure parody show sound? Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Son of Frankenstein

I could make at least a week out of this stuff, you know. I could do Son of Lassie, Son of Zorro, Song of the South, Son of Sinbad. Wait, one of those was wrong, wasn't it? Anyhow, if you want to know just how pervasive this odd titling idea was, I have three words for you: Son of Flubber. 'Nuff said.

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As a result, I am going to end this baby strong. I bring you the oft-forgotten, but famously parodied sequel...

Son of Frankenstein

A lot of people don't remember due to a little film called Bride of Frankenstein. This film really deserves some attention for its casting, interesting story and notable adaptation into parody.

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Victor Frankenstein's son is coming home from America to settle the family estate. He arrives in town and is not exactly popular. The town council does not want him there, although he had nothing to do with the re-animation studies of the past. His young wife and son do not like all the attention. One of his biggest detractors is the town constable, who lost an arm in an attempt to stop Adam (the monster's actual name). He runs across Ygor, who is still alive, though just barely. You see, they hung the guy (played here-on-out by Bela Lugosi), but he live...just with a mostly-broken neck.

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Curiosity gets the better of our young hero (with a little prompting by Ygor) and he begins to study dad's notes. He begins to think that he can do it better. Hopefully, the town and his family don't find out about this. Oh crap, they do.

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Okay, let me get the obvious thing out of the way now. This is nearly the exact same plot used later in Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein. From the son returning, to the one-armed sheriff and even down to that damned mustache. Much like The Inglorious Bastards is to Top Secret, this is a nearly-forgotten film that has a more famous parody. They also have solid film-making in common as well. With the latter, a pseudo-remake will hopefully help the film's notoriety.

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To cut a long story short, he creates a new monster, which escapes and befriends his son. When the town finds out, they naturally get pissed and become all 'torch-wielding mob-like' again. He manages to calm them down when he too turns on the monster since his son is in danger. Thanks to a little hinting, he finds the monster and swings at him Tarzan-style, kicking him into a pit of boiling oil as Ygor flees. The End.

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This is honestly a good movie. It is a different experience to watch it after having already seen Young Frankenstein for sure though. Thanks to that crap movie Van Helsing, all of the old Universal horror films are on DVD once again- including the Son of Dracula. It deserves more attention for its solid film-making, respect for continuity and strong storytelling. Check this out along with the other sequels such as Ghost of Frankenstein. More on them later.

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No more sons for now. I think it's time to turn my WTF scale to another country across the pond. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Son of Kong

We saw how Dracula's son (maybe) continued the legacy of his father, but still failed to figure out to, you know, not die in the end. Maybe another son will do this better. Let's find out in the sequel to a true classic...

Son of Kong

Yeah, this was a popular way to do sequels back in the day. Don't get me started on how many different 'So-and-so Son of Hercules' films there are out there. Sufficed to say, when you make a film called Son of Cleopatra, you've milked the series to death. What a painful way to go.

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This film decides not to change the setting. Hurray for continuity! Oh wait, this only lasts a little while. Hurray for a little continuity, I guess! Actually, the film is a solid, direct sequel that has a story idea that would sort of be stolen later by Ghostbusters 2. No, the son of Kong does not fight red, alien goo. You're thinking of Son of Blob, who is red, alien goo.

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In the wake of King Kong's arrival in New York city and near-destruction of said city, the man who brought him there is a social pariah. He is ducking lawsuits from those injured, people looking for interviews and the city trying to get him to pay for damages. He quickly leaves the city with an old friend on a steamer.

*

They arrive in Morocco and, naturally, go off to see a show. They spot a young lady performing there and think that she is quite hot...I mean, talented. But their talent scouting does not go without issues. Some dubious businessman that our hero and his friend had done business with in the past are hanging around and want to do business with her as well. Suddenly, this film is turning in Be Cool- not really the best thing. Since this is a mainstream film made before 1966, we get a scene with fire. Of course!

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Sufficed to say, the girl's dad is killed, her home is burned down and she has nothing to live by. Naturally, she joins the two strangers on a trip to a mysterious island to find a mysterious beast. Why not? At this point, you're wondering why I haven't talked about the titular son of Kong. There's a reason- he has not shown up yet! Over forty-five minutes into the film and not a glimpse of him yet. This is not a movie for action junkies, so much as plot junkies.

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To cut a long story short, they get to the island and discover a large, white ape. I think Kong's wife was sleeping around, people! He shows up just in time to save them from a dinosaur. Just one though. Obviously, the stop-motion budget was not huge in this movie. The monster and ape battle as Skull Island's foundation begins to shake apart. Why? Good question. Our heroes escape and the monsters disappear. So much for Son of Kong 2: Electric Boogaloo.

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Is this a good movie? Honestly, yes. It is not best to be compared directly to its precursor though. The movie is an interesting experiment in putting plot over action and effects. So yeah, most people are not going to like it. The movie deserves a little bit more attention than it gets though...which is none. Give this movie a try if you want to see how a direct sequel can dare to be different. If not, rent the classic film King Kong. It is great.

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You want more sons? Okay, I'll give you the big daddy of them all. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Son of Dracula

Every guy wants to have a boy grow up to be like him, even monsters and killers. This has been proven to be very true by a slew of films from the 1940s. That's right- we're going back to the WWII Era, people. Are they the greatest generation of sequel-makers? Let's find out in the first review in the series...

Son of Dracula

An interesting note: Dracula's Daughter actually precedes this movie. Plus, this is an actual sequel to Tod Browning's classic film. But, this doesn't fit the theme that I established. Screw you, equally-good film that I will talk about later!

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The film takes the old setting of London (you know, the one from the book) and eschews that for the Deep South. Taking place during the good old days (as documented in Birth of a Nation) and before the bad days (as horribly-skewed by Birth of a Nation). A new man comes into town from out the country. That man's name: Count Alucard.

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Before the anime nerds attack me, let me set the record straight. This 'clever' disambiguation of the Dracula name originated in this film. Do you feel smarter yet?

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The story here is pretty simple. Dracula's heir shows up, romances a young debutante and angers a rich guy. In his attempt to kill the Count's son, he inadvertently kills his lady. It's a bit of weird science, since this happens due to the bullet going through our villain and hitting her as well. That is almost plausible, but still a bit silly.

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Let me address the weird and historic parts. Dracula's son is played by Lon Chaney Jr. Lon Chaney Sr. (of Phantom of the Opera) was originally supposed to play the part, but died. I mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. If Chaney Jr. is the actual son of Dracula here (it is never really addressed), why does he look nothing like Bela Lugosi? To make things worse, this film came out just before House of Dracula, which re-cast (and re-animated) the Count as John Carradine. His son David would go on to play- wait for it- Dracula in Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat. My head hurts.

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This movie does give us a couple cliches that live on. Aside from the 'Alucard' part, this is also the first film to feature Dracula floating dramatically and turning into smoke. While not one of the biggest Dracula effects, it is notable.

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Is the movie good? Yes. It is not a classic like Browning's film, but it is a solid film. The atmosphere is good and the pacing is well-done. You will not be bored by this movie. You will be confused about whether he is really the son of Dracula though. Don't relegate this to B-movie status solely on its title alone though.

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If you think he was a good son, wait until you meet a bigger, hairier one. Stay tuned...

A Cartoon for Old Men: Kid Notorious

Cartoons are usually a simple matter. You either get a big macho hero, a young lad or a pretty girl and put them in some sort of peril. That's just children's cartoons though. Shows marketed at teens and adults can get weird. For example...

Kid Notorious

Sounds simple enough, but it is not. This is a show based on a caricature of a real person- a celebrity to boot- that is produced by said person. Confused yet? We're just getting started.

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Robert Evans was a huge name in the 1970s. He produced movies and you may have heard of a couple. Chinatown, Black Sunday and Marathon Man, just to name a few. But this show came out in 2003. Why the big wait? Good question.

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The show is basically about him being a big Hollywood producer. The irony of this is that he was not so hot around this time. He had a falling out with some people and some personal issues that had side-tracked him. In the lead-up to this show, he had produced such blockbusters as Jade, Sliver and The Cotton Club. Ouch.

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His supporting cast was weird too. Niecy Nash (the black lady sheriff on Reno 911) played his old-timey black maid. Okay, sure. His best friend Slash (Guns n Roses guitarist) was played by, well, Slash. I don't see the connection, but, sure why not. Most episodes also featured Kid's girlfriend Sharon Stone, who is not played by herself. Well, you can't have it all.

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What is the plot about? Well, it's about everything. One episode has him fighting a Saudi oil sheik, another has him fencing with Leonardo DiCaprio (voice impersonated) and yet another has him trying to kill Kim Jong-Il. No, really. In that one, the C.I.A. hires him to go there as himself, since Kim is a big fan of the live-action Popeye film that Evans produced. I wish I could make stuff like this up, but I can't.

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Did the show last? Well, no. It was marketed at adults and teens, the latter of which were not alive when Evans was a household name anymore. Good planning, guys. It lasted a run of 9 episodes and never came back. It goes on the giant list of Comedy Central shows that only lasted one season like Strip Mall, Stella, etc. It was a very quirky show, so it's appeal was strange and limited.

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Want more forgotten sequels? That's what coming up next. Stay tuned...

Ohhhh....Creep out!: Creepshow 2

After picking apart one stupid story in Creepshow, I want to ream two tales from Creepshow 2. Seems fitting enough. Let's start with...

Old Chief Woodn'Head

This suffers from a similar problem that Something to Tide You Over does. I don't mean the pun title, though this is not exactly a great one either.

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The film introduces us to an elderly couple (George Kennedy and Dorothy Lamour) who run a dime store in what is nearly a ghost town. Notice how they hired another actor from Naked Gun films here, but, thankfully, he is not the villain. That role is played a cocky young man. For no apparent reason other than 'they can,' him and his friends decide to rob the place. During the course of this, they kill both old people.

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An investigation ensues, but, being the sheriff's son, nothing comes of it for our villain. Cue the magical anthropomorphism of the wooden Indian statue on the front porch. Want to guess what happens to the young men? I didn't think so.
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So how did the Indian come to life? How did it have any ability to move- what with no muscular system or anything? How did it sneak up on several people and kill them? How did a story like this get out with no back-story or explanation? Ohhh, I know. It's magic; you don't have to explain it.

The Raft

A group of attractive co-eds drive off into the woods to go swimming in a 'swimmin' hole.' They get on a movable dock and let it float out into the center of the lake. They pay no attention to the giant, floating black ooze coming their way.
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The mysterious monster cuts the rope holding their raft to the shore, trapping them. Well, they are not trapped until they decide to let the thing slowly come over to them and surround them. They could have gotten away in the five minutes or so it takes to get there.
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Surrounded on all sides by the vague, oozy monster, they panic and argue. That's healthy. One-by-one, they die in gooey, sticky ways. The worst one is when someone gets pulled into the water by the beast, not realizing that the slots between the planks are, you know, there. One of them tries to swim away- finally- but still gets eaten. Nice try.
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Where to begin? First off, who is that freaking stupid? You see an unnatural ooze coming your way and do nothing? You can't think that anything bad could happen from this? Plus, what is this monster? They don't say. Why is it there? They don't say. What is the message of this story? Don't ignore industrial pollution, I guess.

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In closing, does it kill you guys to explain anything in movies like this. As dumb as it is, stupid stuff like Jason coming back to life in Part 6 is explained. Nothing is explained, but we are supposed to just accept it. Doing films in short form is not an excuse to be lazy idiots. Explain things!

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There is actually an official and unofficial version of Creepshow 3. Should I dare watch either one? We'll see.

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I have some Mondo fun in mind for tomorrow. Stay tuned...

Ohhhh....Creep out!: Creepshow

For my 100th post, I thought that a special treat was in order. Having covered so many weird, obscure films, I thought you might appreciate a closer look at a weird, well-known film. It actually makes less sense when you analyze it deeply. Let's really get in close and take a look at the anthology film known as...

Creepshow

This film is a classic, bottom-line. But one of the tales is immensely full of holes and features some really underdeveloped, well, everything. It's called...

Something to Tide You Over

To begin with, starting a horror tale with a pun is not that good. You don't see a story like The Pit and the Pendulum called 'Swing By For Dinner' or 'A Slice of Death,' do you? I didn't think so.

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The story begins with a man waking up to find himself buried in the sand by the ocean. An eerie man finally makes his presence known. That man is...Leslie Nielsen. Wait, what? I can understand why the star might like to play something different- this being right after Airplane and it's sequel- but why would you hire him? It makes as much sense as hiring Dan Akroyd for the intro to Twilight Zone: The Movie.

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Leslie explains that he found out about our hero and his wife having an affair. You don't double-cross Mr. Magoo like that! He sets down a television and explains that all will be made clear when he reaches the other side of the island. He plugs the thing in and drives off, leaving a long cord in his wake.

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First off, it's explained that he is very rich. I get that. I can see how one might buy a really long cable for something like this, but one miles long? Does any store sell one for such a purpose? Maybe CostCo, but that is pushing it.

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Evil Leslie Nielsen finally hooks the two TVs together and our hero can see his gal pal in the same fate as him on the other side of the island. The man's evil plan is to make them watch themselves slowly die with the imminent tide. Slowly but surely, this happens. Of course, this is Stephen King, so you know that our tale does not end here.
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Later that night, the two corpses begins to crawl from the ocean and towards the villain's house. What did this? Good question. Maybe the Re-Animator lab is on the next island and they dumped out their old chemicals. They never tell us. This is the best that the guy who gave us Silver Bullet and Christine could do.
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As he comes from the shower,- ooh, water again, so clever- they break in to his house. Slowly...and I mean slowly...they approach him and kill him. Wow, it was all so ironic how they killed him after he killed them. Wait! No, it's not. This story makes no sense.
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Detective stories are always written backwards- you solve the problem and then write the build-up. Maybe Stephen King should have tried this tactic here. It is neat how you get a creative killing, but, when you have no common sense to back it up, it all feels shallow- no pun intended. Let's not even get into any more about casting the star of Spy Hard and Repossessed as your devious villain and the guy from Cheers (Ted Danson) as your protagonist.
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Honestly, the rest of the film is quite good. There is a bit of suspension of disbelief in there at times, but it is better handled than here. Now, Creepshow 2 has two different tales with curious story elements and stupid writing to them. I'll tackle those tomorrow. Stay tuned...

Rip-Off Cinema: Aenigma

One last stop over in Crazy Town, Italy before we return to normalcy. Nah, I'm just kidding. We are never returning to normalcy. We will be going to a different location in Crazy Town though after I finish my review of...

Aenigma

This is one of those films that draws a lot of comparisons to other films. This is usually compared to Carrie, though that is an inaccurate comparison. It is incredibly similar to Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2. To those of you not familiar with this film- which came out in the same year as Aenigma- wait for my video review. It will come...eventually. Prom Night 2 actually rips off Carrie in a lot of ways, so there is still a point there.

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The movie begins briskly with a young girl being set up on a date with the local stud. They pull up to a secluded spot and begin to kiss. Suddenly, we see that two other cars are watching- the pervs. No, these are actually her classmates who are setting her up. When they pull the trigger, the victim panics and runs. They chase her- always staying behind her, despite her only being on foot- until she accidentally gets run over. Oops.

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As her comatose body begins to show alpha wave activity, a new student shows up. A Spider-Man comic-style quick-comparison shot explains that she is the host for our victim/villain. After meeting up with all of her classmates, her first act is to shamelessly flirt with the gym teacher. She does this by splaying her legs out at him during stretches. Subtle. She discusses going to see him that night while he paces. Whilst checking himself out, another him bursts through the mirror and chokes him to death. Holy Freud, Batman!

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Her path of vengeance goes in a pretty straight-forward manner, but her methodology is anything but. One girl is actually smothered to death by snails after earlier discussing how they eat snails in mourning. Which part of that is stranger to you? Another girl is choked to death by a statue in a museum comes to life. Which psychic power allows you to re-animate a 7,000 lb statue again? My favorite one is the girl who is first scared by seeing headless bodies in every room she goes into. As she backs up near the window, her Top Gun poster turns into the image of our killer and she falls to her death. Does Tom Cruise endorse this murder?

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To say that this movie is strange is to say that the French sort of like films about red balloons. The question does come up though: who stole from whom? Is 1987 the release date of Aenigma or the home video release? It is not above the Italians to steal movie ideas (Black Cobra, Starcrash, too many others to list), but neither is it above the U.S. to steal movie ideas (The Ring, Quarantine, too many others to list). Unlike Prom Night 2, this movie is not quite as dated in the 80s, which is both a detriment and a charm. Plus, it lacks the presence of Michael "Splinter Cell" Ironside. It is not a terrible film, but it is also not for everyone. That describes most films you'll see here though.
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Tomorrow will be my 100th blog post. I've decided to analyze a long-running horror anthology series and their weird stories. Stay tuned...

Fun With Fulci: Don't Torture A Duckling

A little-known fact is that Lucio actually made dramas and giallo films before venturing into zombie territory. One of those films was...

Don't Torture A Duckling

Italian films like this are known for their oblique titles that are hard to decipher. This is definitely one of those. Even still, I only sort of get it.

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The film begins with a mysterious man killing a child in a rural Italian village. Well, to be honest, you don't really see it. That actually goes for most of the 'shocking events' in this movie. Is it a budgetary thing? Maybe. I think it has more to do with cultural sensitivities though. I tell you this to not scare off those afraid of the subject matter and not to overly-encourage those that may actually love it. Weirdos.

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Everyone in town is very sad and also very upset. They want to bring the killer to justice before another kid bites the dust. Oops, too late for that. A local woman and a priest seek to decipher the mystery. They come across a lot of people that are suspicious, which is weird given that the town has a population of about fifty people. They catch a man who confesses to the latest crime. Well, movie over.

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As it turns out, he is a crazy man who did nothing. Oh well. The mystery continues to elude them as another child is tragically killed. You may want to pick up the pace, people. The title line finally comes into play as the lady gives a Donald Duck doll to a local girl. The girl later goes missing and the doll is missing it's head. This is the real tragedy people! The death of children I can take, but the desecration of a Disney icon is entirely another matter!

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One crazy-looking woman is suspected of the crimes and beaten in one of the film's two violent and bloody scenes. The crescendo of the attack is a whipping of her face with a steel chain. Yowza! Of course, she is innocent. Eventually, the girl figures out that it is the priest that has done the crimes. He is haunted by childhood memories that have driven him insane. He has a showdown with the woman and is inadvertently pushed off of a cliff. This causes him to turn into a mannequin as part of his head is scraped off by a nearby rock during the fall. Yowza again!

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Is this movie good? Well, it is, actually. It is not great when compared to other giallos of the era like What Have You Done to Solange? I realize that I have mentioned this movie before, but you will learn why in a later review. The film has a dark subject matter, but a manageable tone. Given this film's reputation, it is often compared to the non-classic Who Can Kill A Child? This is definitely better and doesn't promise what it cannot deliver. Is that too much to ask? If you like European mysteries, give this one a rental, even though I just told you the whole story.

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As luck would have it, I got another Fulci movie in today. That means a big finale. Stay tuned...

Fun With Fulci: Zombi 3

After the debacle of Sodoma's Ghost and it's non-ending, we have nothing to look forward to but positive improvements. Well, unless you consider that this movie was only half-directed by Fulci. I'll explain in my review of...

Zombi 3

First off, for those of you without the intimate knowledge of Italian film history, a bit of history. When Romero's Dawn of the Dead was released in Europe, it was called Zombi. So when Fulci made the iconic Zombie Flesh Eaters, it was retitled as Zombi 2. Why? Good question. Maybe it had something to do with famous Italian director Dario Argento producing (read: funding) Romero's film. This set continuity on its ear just in time for Fulci's follow-up film. That is how we got Zombi 3. Pencils down, class.

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Incidentally, this film is not really a sequel in any way. It is just another zombie film.

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The film proper begins at a government lab where scientists are making a bio-weapon. This never leads anywhere bad in film. A bunch of rebels attack...just because they feel like it and someone steals the canister of disease. He makes a run for it into the jungle, but is shot and killed. The object is pierced as well and the toxin floats into the air. Good thing the island is empty and free of people otherwise.

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As it turns out, the island is a tourist destination and is full of people. I'll spare you the character back-story- as minimal as it is- and just tell you that a bunch of random people end up together. They continually get attacked by zombies and their numbers slowly whittle down. There is some creativity in the zombie attacks, including zombie birds and zombies that attack in water. Considering that this claims to the third film in a series though, I expected more. Another problem comes up as well.

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As explained in the DVD's Special Features, Fulci had made what the studio called a 'good 45-minute zombie film,' before departing over creative issues. They called in a new director to help fill it all in. He did not have most of the original cast though, so he had to improvise. What he created is a subplot involving the government sending in a 'cleaning crew' to wipe up the mess. These men run around in white Hazmat suits and wield flame-throwers. Every once in a while, they pop in between zombie scenes or exposition. To say that they feel artificial is an under-statement. Would I rather watch a short film about zombies instead? I don't know.

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The most iconic part of the film is the other subplot involving the island's radio DJ. He decides to hole up in his tower and continue to report on the spreading plague. His role turns out to be entirely for exposition throughout the film up until the end. As the remaining heroes make their escape, his tone changes to that of embracing the zombie plague. A slow twisting shot reveals that he has transformed. That or he covered his face in pie. How he managed to keep doing his job while zombified is one science's wonders...or lazy screenwriting.

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This is a decently-entertaining movie, but lacks the imagery of Zombi 2 and the obvious social message of Zombi/Dawn. The intrusion of a second and third plot hurt the movie a little. I do applaud the creativity of how they filled in a movie without most of the cast though. Just don't do it again. I have seen both Monster A-Go-Go and They Saved Hitler's Brain, so, you can trust me when I say that it just does not work. If you like the genre, you may be forgiving. It will certainly not convert anyone though.

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A little more Fulci to go. The next film addresses a problem that, frankly, nobody ever thought about. Stay tuned...

Fun With Fulci: Sodoma's Ghost

I've already given you a little background of the Godfather of Gore in the last segment, so let's jump right into the review of...

Way back in the 1940s, a bunch of Nazis have camped out in a French farmhouse for a nice night of sex and drugs. See, those guys were not all bad. In the midst of their orgy,- which was being filmed with a giant, awkward camera- the whole place is bombed into the stone age. End of movie? No, it is only the beginning...

A bunch of young students go out in the French countryside for a day of fun. You know what I mean. After a bit of bickering, they end up at the same farmhouse. Conveniently, the key is still under the mat and they go inside. When they discover food and booze, they decide to stay the night. Meanwhile, they continue to not get along all that well.

They attempt to leave in the morning, but find that their car doesn't work. The group ends up staying the day, beginning to see some weird stuff in the meantime. Oh yeah, they still don't get a long. One of the guys likes to drink in excess, one girl likes the idiot and another girl likes the girl who likes the idiot. How will they resolve this? When will someone just die already?!? Oh, there we go.

The majority of the scares and frights in the movie come from generally-weird imagery alone. One of the girls has bloody sex with a Nazi and a guy goes off and plays Russian Roulette in exchange for a chance at some German poon-tang. Smart guy. The amount of nudity in this portion almost makes up for nothing freaking happening! We finally get the dissolving man shown earlier around the hour plus mark. None of this matters because, wait for it, it was all a dream. Or was it? All I know is that the house disappears and all the group survives...even the guy who already died. Thanks for wasting my time, Lucio.

I wanted this movie to be good; I really did. The movie has major promise and simply fails to deliver on it. Much like the Dolph Lundgren film Detention, the film refuses to kill any of its tiny cast. There is good atmosphere at times, but it is ruined by cutting back to the bickering 'teens.' The ending pretty much takes all of the steam out of it as well. If you want real sultry Nazis, check out the Ilsa series or the film with an iconic title S.S. Love Camp. You did better Lucio and I'll show it...eventually.

Next we get another zombie film. Italy made Zombie films?  Stay tuned...

Fun With Fulci: The Black Cat

Lucio Fulci was a very strange man. This Italian auteur was both a dreaming Director and a work-for-hire one. These would sometimes come into conflict, but still his career thrived for over twenty years. Oddly, forgetting to take his insulin- or not wanting to anymore, as some claim- would do this man in during 1996.  He has left behind a legacy of strange shit though. This film is one of those...

Getting the obvious out of the way, this is not an adaptation of the Edgar Allen Poe story. Well, it sort of is, but it isn't. That is the best I can do to explain it, honestly. Just read on and see.

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The film begins with a couple going off to have sex. This just tries to start off in a unique way, huh? They go off into a strange little park building and begin to do the deed. Suddenly, a black cat wanders over and uses leverage to lock them in. Then, I kid you not, it damages the heater, causing hot steam to flow into the room, using up all of their air. The pair suffocate and die. Is that unique enough for you? I haven't seen this level of animal ingenuity since Frogs.

We learn throughout the film a bit about the cat. Obviously, it is no ordinary tabby. It all has something to do with a guy dying and his soul taking over the body of a cat. It would not really help if I even began to explain how this happened or why he was killing people. Fulci movies- as you will learn in the next few days- exist in their own sort of reality where logic has ceased to exist. You simply go along for the ride.

One of the oddest scenes to me involves the reporter character running afoul of the cat. He is walking down the street at night and the film gives us lots of angle shots to show us the animal following him. After properly ratcheting up the suspense, the animal leaps down onto the man and begins to claw at his face. They cut away and the man is found dead. Did he die of those wounds? Is he allergic to scratches? Is he just the weakest man ever and was simply unable to pull the 10lb cat off of him? They never say.

Honestly, as far as fake Poe adaptations, you can do far worse. As much as I joked about the film being weird, it is entertaining. It will never make sense, but it will entertain. As you will see with Fulci, that is not always the case. Check it out if you like weird-ass stuff. Thankfully, Lucio found time between making Zombie films to produce this.

More obscure Fulci on the way. Nazi ghosts, zombie D.J.s and Donald Duck. Stay tuned...