Musical Moments in Film: Happiness of the Katakuris

Do you like singing? Do you like zombies? Do you like Japanese people?

If you qualify for all or one of those, you are in luck. Today's film to highlight is...

The Happiness of the Katakuris

This quirky film is by Takashi Miike, the man behind "Izo" and "Ichi the Killer." Here's the thing though: it's actually a pleasant movie. It has what you would call dark elements to the plot, but, ultimately, the whole thing is designed to be in the spirit of an old musical.

Essentially, this family owns a bed and breakfast out in the woods of Japan. They get no business, what with being miles from anywhere. Finally, they get their first customer, but things go bad- he dies. This happens two more times. The family has to bury the bodies, since their only source of income is people coming there. This leads us to the mid-movie musical number linked here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9F6yKmWujCw&feature=related

The film is strange, quirky and a third word for bizarre. It is surprisingly upbeat, funny and charming. Again, when you consider that the director did a film in which someone literally rapes Mother Earth previously, that is saying a lot. It is definitely not for everyone, but some people will absolutely love it.

Stay tuned...

Death of a Series- ‘Jaws’ (Part 3)

Jaws: The Revenge

Revenge is a dish best served cold, which was also the audience reaction to this film. Following Jaws II, Mrs. Brody has seen her two sons grow up, but, sadly, lost her husband due to a heart attack. Things turn bad when her youngest son is killed by a shark in what appears to be a sort of trap. This makes her believe that her family is cursed- she blames the heart attack on the shark somehow- so she goes to the Bahamas to see her eldest son, now a marine biologist. The beast follows her, apparently being able to thrive in both fresh and salt water. Once in the island region, our heroine meets a charming, young man named Hoagie, played by Michael Caine. The cycle of attacks soon moves there as well, with a friend of the son's girlfriend killed on a boat. This drives Mrs. Brody to go out to sea, convinced that she should finish off the beast herself. Hoagie, the son and his friend Alex (Peebles!) fly out to stop her, but their sea plane is attacked when they land. All of them survive the attack, however, and get on the boat with our heroine. Hoagie even emerges from the wreckage completely dry. This builds to the climactic face-off between woman- in boat- and shark. If you are must watch any part of this movie- poor soul- at least choose to watch this part. So many bizarre and stupid things happen in the span of a few minutes. A shark roars, a shark is impaled by the barely-sharp plank of wood, a giant shark turns into a tiny one in a puddle of water & a shark explodes. While I won't recommend this movie to anyone, this part is funny. At the same time, however, it also tries to mirror its finale to that of Jaws. The film got one holdover star because she was the wife of a studio executive that released the film and wanted to be top-billing on a poster. This is an affront to good cinema, with its implausible story, bad acting and terrible pacing. They wisely chose to end the series here. Little did they know that it was too late.

So how does a series go so bad, so quickly? Changing directors is never a good thing. Jaws is a great film, but no others are. Is that solely due to Spielberg's absence? No. Second, watch how stars flee from your series like rats on a sinking ship. Dreyfuss, while not killed off, only appears in the first film. By the third film, Scheider and Gary were replaced with young actors Quaid and Thompson. Gary did return in the fourth film, but they wrote out Scheider. It is similar to how Linda Hamilton's character died of 'cancer' in the interim between T2 and T3. Another film series to look at for comparison is Tremors. With every successive film, a star or two chose not to appear, to the point where only the guy from "Family Ties" was left to carry the franchise. Let's also not forget how the quality of writing got diffused as well. The first film is a mostly-direct adaptation of the Benchley novel. After that, the series was constructed around brand new stories. You see how that ended up. Some film series can go off-material and survive- see the Bond and Bourne films. Another thing that helps put the nail in a franchise coffin is experimentation. The third film changed the setting, cast and dimensionality. The response to this was bad box office and awkwardness regarding its place in continuity. Key things are ignored from three- particularly in regards to what jobs the two sons have- and even the studio referred to Jaws: The Revenge as the climax of the 'Jaws trilogy' in a press release. Do not mess with the cast, writing or setting just because you want a new film out really quickly. This is what happens, Hollywood.

'Watchmen' Capsule Review

Having just finished seeing Watchmen a mere 7 hours ago, it is fresh in my mind. It is very awesome. Here is a basic good/bad chart.

Good
Deep, nuanced characters with a rich back story.
Great special effects.
Rorschach is a bad-ass, with very little done to make him 'redeemable.'
They did not mess with the overall plot.
Rorschach has an arch-enemy in prison who is a midget.

Bad
There is a lot of back story to follow if you just want action.
The overall plot is the same, so if you know the book, you know what will happen.
Lots of fairly-digitized Manhattan nudity. Just so you know.
Some really gory scenes involving people killed by Dr. Manhattan.
Lots of flashbacks and the like, if that bothers you.

In summary, the film is very good. If you love the graphic novel, you will love it. Oh, and Brian Michael Bendis can kiss my ass for insulting this movie.

Stay tuned...

Great Lines of Cinema: Starcrash

Movie science is, at times, an idiosyncrasy. The science of films is often b.s. that works for a plot and nothing else. That or it is real science twisted around like some sort of contortionist. Either way, it can be very funny. Case in point:

Starcrash

The film, as a whole, is just ridiculous. Stella Star and her friend are space robbers who get caught and the only way out of prison is to save the Emperor's son. Teaming up with 'Mr. Clean' (another film with him, yes) and a robot with a Texan accent, they traverse unknown planets and elude the grasp of Count Zartan.

Near the climax, they are trapped on a planet by the villain and their 'deus ex machina' power friend is dead...for some reason. Fortunately, a new deus ex machina comes in the form of the Emperor and his battle cruiser. The line in question starts at 3:00 minutes in. You'll know it when you hear it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_27SmXm498I&feature=channel_page

The fact that it comes from respected actor Christopher Plummer and is delivered to David Hasselhoff is just icing on the cake.

Stay tuned...

Everything is better with Robots!: Halloween III

The title pretty much says it all. So many bad movies have robots in them. Why? Because robots are awesome! However, they cannot save the picture. Case in point:

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Despite how it sounds, this is not a sequel to the Michael Meyers series, but the producers didn't want you to know that. They paid the price with the weakest performing "Halloween" film of all time. When you do worse than "Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Meyers," you have done something wrong. So this movie's plot involves a super-secret and super-crazy plot. An inventor makes a marketing campaign around kids wearing a bunch of freaky Halloween masks and watching a certain TV show. Why? Because they will explode at midnight when the show's signal hits. Why? Good question. It has something to do with his plans to make robots and replace the kids with them. Why? Stop asking me that! You're like a little kid. Seriously though, I have no freaking clue. I would rather just stick with the whole 'Michael Meyers is part of a crazy, Celtic curse' story than this. If you want to know who to blame, it's this guy...More crappy robots and crappy movies to come. Stay tuned...

H.G. Lewis’ ‘Blood’ Trilogy (Part 2)

Color Me Blood Red

Who needs red paint when human arterial fluid is so much more readily available? This question is addressed rather directly in Lewis' film, albeit in his usual, quirky manner. A financially-successful painter has his creativity questioned by an art critic and tries to prove him wrong. He stumbles upon blood as a new form of coloring in a really forced way and goes down a slow path to murder and insanity. In a 'what a weird coincidence' bit, a group of teens wander into the area where the painter is working, having run out of blood from the last painting. One of those teens is the daughter of a rich woman who is the fan of the painter and who tries to buy the first of his new paintings. Even the murder of two of their friends does not discourage them from going back the next night to linger about. First off, the movie is far more focused on character development and acting than Feast was. What this does is make the deaths have more impact than your usual 'big guy kills horny teenager' scene. In addition, the characters are more nuanced and the space between killings is longer. One could argue that this has more to do with the low-budget nature of the film than daring film-making, but that is up to you. Many of the genre conventions are still there, like the stiff authority figures and fun-loving teen with 'I am going to die' practically written on their foreheads. Some things never change. The murders are very vivid and show a more professional touch than the 'throw blood everywhere' approach of Feast. As a real film, it is superior to Blood Feast. For splatter fans, it is less of what you want to see. Bear that in mind, true believers.

Taste of Blood

Brandy is good. Brandy that turns you into a vampire is slightly less good. A rich businessman is delivered a mysterious box from Transylvania with the liquid in it. As time and his level of consumption passes, the man becomes more reclusive and his mood changes dramatically. Around the same time, some mysterious and violent murders are taking place. I wonder if there is any connection between these two things, huh? There is also an interesting subplot with the wife of our protagonist/antagonist having a possible affair with his friend- played by the star of the previous Lewis film 2,000 Maniacs"- which further drives the suspicious nature of him. Lewis' take on the vampire genre is very interesting, albeit flawed. "Taste" is longer than his usual film, - which are around eighty minutes - clocking in at around two hours. The result is more banal dialogue and some scenes running longer than they probably should. There is some creativity in the story though, such as the antagonist's ironic killing method. The story is interesting and the acting is pretty good. As far as H.G. Lewis films go, the acting would make Uta Hagen proud by comparison. Feel free to Google that name if you have to. In the realm of vampire films, you can definitely do worse. Say what you will, but at least it does not have vampires as aliens, vampires that explode or Dracula being killed by a thorn bush. Oh, the humanity! Check this one out for an interesting time.

In summary, if you like blood, people being covered in blood or lingering shots of people covered in blood, Herschell-Gordon Lewis is for you. If you do not, I recommend the works of Jim Henson, save for Labyrinth. Seriously though, Lewis is popular among cult film fans, both for his gore films and his genre works. Who else could make a movie about a woman who takes LSD to give herself psychic powers? How about the story of a small, Southern town that reappears every hundred years to enact revenge on the damn Yankees of the world? Say what you will about the man, but he knew what sold. Lest we forget that the most financially successful film of all time- when adjusted for inflation and compared to production costs- is a roadhouse film about teen pregnancy from the '50s. See, you just learned something. You're welcome.

Death of A Series- Jaws (Part 2)

Jaws II

This film was directed by the man who would later make "Supergirl," as opposed to the guy who would later make "Schindler's List." I could probably just stop here, but that would be lazy. Another shark is back in the waters around Amity Island and Sheriff Brody has to stop it again. Unfortunately, he is missing his marine expert friend and his helpful shark hunter, since one of them has left and the other was eaten by the eponymous jaws in the last film. On top of that, people are suspicious about believing him, creating an environment in which the shark can thrive. The climax of the film is built around Brody's kids being out in the water with their friends when the shark attacks. They are sitting ducks, leaving only our hero to put an end to the beast yet again. This movie is not terrible by any stretch of the imagination, but there are problems. The shark is seen a lot more, acting less as a harbinger of doom and more like a beast. Some people who did not like that aspect of the original film may like this more. "Jaws II" is lacking for good actors, with Dreyfuss and Shaw not appearing this time around. It also lacks the subtle direction of Spielberg and stronger writing. Szwarc is not a bad director, merely a competent one that does not stand out. That is the biggest strike against it: the film does not stand out. To many people, it seems to be similar to a slasher film, being produced around the same time as "Halloween." "Jaws II" is more of a popcorn film than a classic one. Things do not get better from here.

Jaws 3-D

While they claim that the 'third dimension is fear,' it is actually disgust. Down in Florida,- thanks, movie- a new SeaWorld is being opened up and Sheriff Brody's eldest son is working there. His younger brother comes to town, but the visit coincides with a rash of shark attacks. A small great white is captured, but it soon becomes apparent that a larger one is to blame. The boss is trying to keep it secret- feel familiar- while our hero is trying to stop the beast. The climax of the film involves the new attraction- Undersea Kingdom, a tube-shaped walkway through water- being attacked by the titular shark and trying to eat the tourists. Well, at least he has the right idea. It later attacks the control room, leading to yet another explosion for an ending. This film is highlighted by its dated effects and questionable recasting. They take the film away from the famous setting and have no original cast members appear. It is sort of like taking a "Star Wars" and making it about Anakin and some stupid alien who is his buddy. The other thing of note is how the movie was released as part of the nineteen-eighty 3-D craze that included "Amityville 3-D" and "Friday the 13^th: Part 3." To say that the effects look somewhat ridiculous is to say that the sky is somewhat blue. The two famous shots are of Jaws driving into the glass panel and his disembodied jaw bone flying into the screen. They are amazingly stupid looking and really make the film stand out in a bad way. By replacing Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw with Dennis Quaid, Lea Thompson and Louis Gossett Jr., they put the nail in the coffin. Unfortunately, this corpse would not stay dead!

Do I Really Need This?

Another day, another trip to a video store. I got more stuff that I probably don't actually need, but cannot resist. Stuff like, oh, this:

I need help.

Great Moments in Special Effects: Night of the Lepus

The use of miniatures goes back a long time. Science-fiction and monster movies have done this for years to show 'giant things' on the big screen. This, along with stop-motion effects, was the mainstay of old time cinema.

Cut ahead to the 1970s where people expected a little more. They did not get it. One of the greatest examples of this silliness is....

Night of the Lepus

This film about giant, killer rabbits is well-renowned amongst film buffs and fans of the absurd. Basically, a scientist tries to breed rabbits as gay so they will not overpopulate the desert. One of his first test subjects gets loose and starts humping. Soon, a whole army of giant bunnies is on the loose. This is one of their big scenes. See if you can spot what is a miniature.



They are so adorably-deadly, huh? You just want to hug them as they rip your arm off. They will stomp you to death with their giant, soft footpads.

Want more of the bizarre? Stay tuned...

International Cinema Extravaganza (Part 3)

Island of Death

Vacations are not complete without fun, sun and vicious murder. A young couple travel to a Grecian island in order to meet the populace and kill them. Their plan usually involves luring men to places with the promise of the girl's charms, only for it to turn lethal in a hurry. They kill a painter, but only after he gets to have his way with her. So, they are not all bad. The pair then kills a local gay duo, who acts like worse stereotypes than animals in Disney films. After a while, the woman begins to suspect that he enjoys killing too much for her taste, though, of course, this does not stop her from having sex with him in public or assisting in the murders. This movie was very controversial in its day, getting put on the 'Video Nasty List.' It is easy to see why. The director states in an interview on the DVD that he was hired to make a controversial murder movie in the wake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre's runaway success. Every character is setup as a cliché or stereotype in order to get full effect when they are killed. At least he does not try to hide it by saying that it is an indictment against consumer culture or claim that it is based on real events that you never heard of. Island is a shameless movie that does not think that it is Citizen Kane. Does it make it noteworthy? Not really.

Terminatrix

Yes, it is a foreign, soft-core porn version of Terminator. I could just stop here, but that would be lazy. A lady robot is sent back in time to kill John Connor…I mean, Shinseki Connor. I was joking about the last part…mostly. She drops in naked while a young couple is in mid-coitus, ruining the mood. The woman's clothes are taken, but things get worse. Another woman drops in minutes later, except that she is there to stop the robot. She gets in trouble for stealing clothes from a school girl, but all that passes when the plot becomes too important. The sex-bot goes about screwing everyone who has the same name as our protagonist, all the while never showing two key parts of the human sexual anatomy. Eventually, both women meet him and chaos ensues. By chaos, I mean attempted screwing to death and scenes of a 100-lb Japanese woman beating up men. The movie is about as bad as you might expect, adding boobs to cover up plot holes. If you watch this to see naked women, you will be disappointed, since it is two- mostly one- throughout. Plus, all sex scenes end with bad fates for the men, killing the 'climaxes.' The movie is weird. That is not always enough.

Virgins from Hell

An exploitation film about dirty things happening that cannot show any of them? Are you serious? A group of motorcycle-riding women in spandex rob a gangster amidst several hails of gunfire. During their second mission, however, they fall into a trap and are captured by the big boss. They are submitted to sexual tortures…or so we are told. What we are shown is the woman doing manual labor and bickering in what looks like a giant tiger cage. As many die in failed escape attempts, they must band together in one last effort to gain freedom! This movie from Indonesia is a big disappointment. It is cheesy and fun at first, but fails to live up to anything it promises. The most explicit scene involves two women who join up with the boss. They dance for him in slips before he starts to whip them. I don't know why. The reason has to do with cultural standards of the country. This begs the question: why do a film about this when you know that you cannot show anything? I wish I could tell you. Bottom line: great trailer, bad movie.

Herschell-Gordon Lewis’ ‘Blood’ Trilogy: Part 1

A man named Herschell-Gordon Lewis had a dream: to put lots of blood on the movie screens of America. During the advent of affordable, color film-making, H.G. decided to do just that. He first did so in a charming, little film called "Blood Feast." The result is a roadhouse hit that became the oldest film to end up on the UK's notorious 'Video Nasty' list. He followed this film up with "Color Me Blood Red" a couple years later. This film is about a painter who learns just how useful blood can be and how much he will do to get it. Unfortunately, since the film is less gory and more character-driven, it is often forgotten about by horror fans. In nineteen sixty-seven, he completed the trilogy with "A Taste of Blood," his own unique take on the vampire genre. This one is the lengthiest of the three films and features a quirkier story. As a whole, the films make up an interesting take on the horror/splatter genre. "Feast" has an under-the-radar sequel made by Lewis some thirty-seven years later. Other films from Lewis' catalog like "Two Thousand Maniacs" and "The Wizard of Gore" have since been remade as well. If things go the way they are, I will not be surprised to see more of these films as well. Before Uwe Boll ruins them, let's cover the originals more in-depth.

Blood Feast

If an Egyptian God tells you to kill women for her, you might be a character in an H.G. Lewis film. The antagonist is a caterer hired to do the wedding reception for a young socialite. His clients do not know about his homicidal urges or that these two things will cross paths. As time goes by, his mania increases and killings get more violent. The movie is an interesting look back at how the splatter genre used to be. There is no nudity, no sex-obsessed teenagers and no big-time heavy like Jason or Michael Meyers. In addition, the sound cuts out during the killings and is replaced with loud organ music. This gives it the feel of a silent film a la "Nosferatu," albeit in color and with lots of red food-coloring. The blood effects are clearly the biggest draw of the film, which Lewis highlights in slow, lingering shots of the corpses. The villain is so obviously a crazy person that you have to question the brains of every other character in the film. That is one aspect of Herschell-Gordon Lewis movies that viewers must accept: plot holes are abundant. If you cannot make peace with that, it is best to avoid the majority of his films. The gore itself is pretty unconvincing now, although you can easily see how it bothered people back in the day. It is also quite abundant, so people who do not even like fake gore will be bothered. As a whole, "Feast" is a unique oddity for horror fans, while some people will just find it to be misogynistic and stupid. Both are true.

Meta Cinema

What is 'meta?' Technically, by explaining what 'meta' is, I am being 'meta.' Confused yet? Good.
Essentially, Meta Cinema is the art of addressing the genre of film in the genre of film. There are numerous ways to do this, be them in a comedic manner or a dramatic one. It usually the former though. I'll give you a basic run-down by category.

Kind of Meta

Blade: When our hero says that all of the stuff you saw in vampire movies is bull-crap.
Robin Hood: Men in Tights: The exchange of "A black sheriff?" and "Hey, it worked in 'Blazing Saddles."

Pretty Meta

Scream: The whole film hinges on the idea that people can be aware of slasher film cliches. The problem is that most of them don't believe it and die in the same ways. It is mainly due to one character who continues his explaining ways in Scream 2 and how the ante is upped in Part 2 of a slasher film.
Killer Tomatoes Eat France: While trying to escape from the villain, our hero learns that he has no way out. He does this by reading the screenplay. Shocked that he is written to die, he gets mad and storms off of the set. Wait, what? The movie goes on and adapts for this change somehow though.

Very Meta

Adaptation: Charlie Kauffman's movie is about Charlie and his fictional brother Donald trying to adapt a book about a woman and her love for an orchid grower into a screenplay. So he begins to just make up a whole story about a criminal affair between the two. He gets caught while stalking them and they try to kill him. As a bonus, this nearly won a Best Adapted Screenplay for both Charlie and Donald.
Return of the Killer Tomatoes: At the mid-point of the film, a scene stops when the director announces that they have run out of money. What follows is an overt commercial with George Clooney- the star- and the director in a fake mustache. They shill everything from Pepsi to Malt Liquor. The scene stops a couple minutes later and the plot moves on. Okay.

'Holy S#!^,' That is Meta

Silent Movie: Mel Brook's movie is about Mel Brooks trying to make a silent film in the 1970s. The movie is in black-and-white and has no sound. Throughout the film, he tries to recruit big stars like James Caan to be in a silent movie. Only one line of dialogue is delivered- by famous mime Marcel Marceau.
Special Effects: The film is about a director making a movie about a girl's murder. The thing is, he committed it and framed the ex-boyfriend. So he casts the guy as himself in the story- naturally! At one point, the director bribes a cop by offering him a producer's credit. At the end of the film, the fictional cop's name pops as the Producer. Damn!

That's the whole thing in nutshell. Don't you feel smarter now? I know that I do.

Stay tuned, loyal viewers...

Death of a Series: Jaws (Part 1)

Jaws - Jaws: The Revenge

It is easy to make a good movie. The challenge is to make more than one of them. The challenge of following up a successful film- either critical or financial- is a daunting one for a studio and/or director. Very few film series' have ever been able to do more than two films and maintain any semblance of the quality that people expect. It is something that every fan of cinema- nerdy or casual- knows all too well. Movies like "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace" or "Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space" pop up when you think of series' that run that long. So many things can go wrong- from your series changing its tone completely to your studio hiring three different people to play the same role- that you should learn to leave well enough alone. In an era that has given us "Wrong Turn 2" and "The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting, "clearly this lesson has not been learned. The key to this changing is to look at famous examples in-depth. One famous series that suffers from this kind of a problem is the "Jaws" one. The first film is just classic, full of great moments and dialogue. The second one is not terrible, but is also not even close to the same quality. "Jaws 3-D" is as bad as the title sounds, daring to change the setting, characters and clearly the writers. "Jaws: The Revenge" is a painful exercise in boredom that drags the original film through the mud to connect its terrible plot to a classic. Watching this series go downhill so fast is like watching a bald eagle choke to death on a squirrel. With the prerequisite disturbing image out of the way, let me get down to the films.

Jaws
The mother of all shark films is still a great film to this day. A killer beast is loose in the waters of Amity Island, snacking on tourists and late-night nudist swimmers. Tough-talking Sheriff Brody has to tame the monster, but is thwarted by politics, lack of resources and primal fear. He teams up with a marine expert and a shark hunter for a journey out into the shark's home waters. They are humbled to learn that the size of their boat is not adequate in comparison to the size of the monster they are trying to capture. If only there was a more concise way to say that? Things go downhill pretty quick as all attempts to catch or outsmart the big guy fail pretty badly. The finale involves an exciting- if scientifically inaccurate- climax that is emulated and referenced to this day. It is hard to find any major gripes with this movie, but, I probably should. The shark/human interaction is more minimal than people who only know the film by its reputation might think. This is less the fault of writers (as in other films), but, rather, it is with the technology itself. The damn thing just would not work reliably for them, so they had to cover it creatively. Fans of the book were upset by omissions in the script- including a subplot involving an affair between Brody and one of his colleagues. Unfortunately, this is par for the course whenever a piece of work is adapted into a new medium, be it film, cartoon, etc. The shark, when on screen, still works really well in creating dread and suspense. Much like the original "Alien" film, "Jaws" is more about the scare of a looming monster than a monster constantly stomping around. The film is a classic for quite justifiable reasons. In an ironic way, this works against every other film on the list. Those are the breaks.

How does it get bad from here? Stay tuned…

International Cinema Extravaganza (Part 2)

A*P*E

North Korea's first act of aggression was not an actual bomb, but a financial one. Even Helen Keller could see that this movie is a cheap knock-off of King Kong. To give you an idea of the quality, picture a movie made by a bunch of interns from Toho who were really bad hires. The bipolar biped makes it oceanic voyage, after being forced from his home, but still leaves himself time to fight a toy…I mean, giant shark. It is as dumb as it sounds. When it reaches mainland, no model set is safe. The rule of thumb with Ape is that if you have seen one of these giant monsters stomping around a city films, then you have really seen all that this movie has to offer. As long as you know that you are getting nothing new, then you can watch this movie in the right mindset- as a fun piece of fluff. A highlight of this rampage is when the highly-hairy humanoid wanders onto the set of a martial arts movie. The actors react naturally to the sight of such a beast: they attack it with their prop weapons. It goes about as well as you would expect. The severely sight-impaired hang-glider pilot who fails to notice a 35-foot gorilla is also worth a mention. On the plus side, it is not as bad as the 1976 version of King Kong or the sequel King Kong Lives. That is good, except for the fact that those movies are utterly awful and should not be compared to anything in terms of quality, save for maybe the Black Plague. The movie sucks, plain and simple…but it does so in style. It is a fun film for lovers of the genre.

The Grapes of Death

French zombie films apparently do not age like fine wine. Of course, the movie is really not that good, so I do not think that genetic decomposition is at fault here. Out in the boondocks of France, the winemakers are using pretty harsh toxins on their fields to keep the bugs away. For some unrelated reason, the people in the immediate area start to get sick and grow weird sores all over their body. This is what happens when you have sex with Tommy Lee! The sickness leads them to wandering around aimlessly and killing any people that might show up. Coincidentally, a young woman is riding a train into wine country under the auspices of meeting her fiancé. The joy of her trip fades right around the time that the girl she meets is killed by one of the grape victims. This leads to long sequences of her walking around the hills and occasionally being menaced by puss-oozing yokels. One pretty good bit has her being led into a village by a young blind woman. When they get there, her friends and family are either dead or zombified, but our heroine does not have the heart to tell her. In all honesty, the film is better than I thought it would be. Of course, I thought it would be incredibly awful, so bear that in mind. As far as zombie films, you can do better. But, if you want a French zombie film, there is only one.

Keiko En Peligro

In hindsight, I should not rent movie solely on their similarity to South Park episodes. A whale- Keiko- is in a Mexican version of Sea World, but is inexplicably sick. His people, it turns out are aliens who sent him to Earth to study human beings up close. Their visit coincides with a school trip to said water park where the aliens meet their match…literally. To clarify, this is nearly the same plot as the Season 9 episode Free Willzyx, which involves the kids being tricked by park workers into thinking that the whale is an alien, leading them to 'rescue' the animal in attempt to restore him to his home on the Moon. Yeah, that one is actually funny. In real life, Keiko was the name of the whale from Free Willy, who was a celebrity in Mexico before he was yanked up by America for the infamous trilogy. Yeah, they made three of them. This movie is very under the radar, which made me think that I could be uncovering the next Riki-Oh or something. In case you had not noticed, I am trying not to talk about the actual film. Yeah, it's bad. It is bad sci-fi and bad comedy in one big crock pot, crock being the operative word. On the plus side, the lead alien/human guy looks like William Petersen circa Manhunter, only in a green jumpsuit and mascara. That is pretty much it. Move on already.

Hard-Boiled

Hard Boiled

This is a movie for any person who has a major fetish for sparks and explosions. On the off-chance that this does not exist outside of a David Cronenberg movie, I will do more to sell this movie. John Woo- you know, the guy with the doves- made his name with this highly-acclaimed cop film. Unlike Infernal Affairs this film is more about Chow Yun Fat diving around and shooting than it is about police corruption and intrigue. If you note, I did not say in what manner this film is acclaimed. This movie has guns out the wazoo; in contrast to Izo, which literally had swords coming out of the sphincter. Hard-Boiled does have a fairly complex plot; at least it appears that way on the surface. In reality, it is merely a road map of shoot-out to shoot-out. Mr. Fat does a good job portraying Officer Tequila, though there is a reason why his other acting gigs are far more touted. This guy is about as nuanced as an Archie character, to put it bluntly. A film like this does not lure you in with these elements and everybody knows it. Like any popular Will Ferrell movie, the whole package serves only one purpose: entertainment. If you are in the mood for crazy, John Woo action and a plot that actually makes sense, then pick this movie over Mission Impossible II. Mmm, I smell a lawsuit coming. While I await frivolous legal recourse, let us venture onto the review proper.

If you should not bring a knife to a gunfight, what about a caged bird? According to Mr. Woo, the answer is yes; Maya Angelou be damned! Tequila and his surely-not-going-to-die partner are inconspicuously observing a criminal deal going down in a restaurant with very lax aviary restrictions. Before I go on, it is best that you sit down. The deal turns sour and a shooting breaks out. It is at this point that the police were wise for sending Margarita and not MacGyver. Bullets are flying and civilians are dying. Before you can say "that was an odd moment to rhyme," our hero bursts into action. Johnny Walker's refusal to be shot proves to be his greatest attribute, though not to underplay his fashion sense. He and his partner do a good job of blasting bad guys, all the while making peace with the idea of "acceptable losses." The climax of this whole shebang, literally, comes when one villain tries to flee down the stairs. Using his ability to break logic and common sense, Chow slides down the handrails, shooting all the while. This is just the beginning of the absurdity to come.

Cop clichés live on, even in mainland China. Officer Martini works in a police station filled with most of the caricatures you expect to see. His chief, for one, views him as a loose cannon. Considering his penchant for pulling out his cannon and firing into a crowd of people, the assessment is somewhat apropos. In a weird twist, our protagonist is not assigned to a young, rookie cop to 'learn the ropes' with him. Of course, why would anyone want to have a second cop like him on the force anyhow? Instead, Guinness opts for the whole 'lone tiger' thing. If it were me, I might have chosen an animal that whose genitalia are not harvested as an aphrodisiac for Asian businessmen. Detective Vodka also has an unrequited love interest, a cute gal who never really rises above the limited role she is given. That is less of a cop cliché and more of an action movie one, but work with me, people! In addition, there is Tony Leung Chiu Wai, who is the real enigma of the story. At first, he appears to just be one of the bad guys. When he manages to actually live through a gun battle, it is apparent that there is more to him. In actuality, he is an undercover cop, besides being a great shot as well. Given how long the film takes to make this reveal, what I am saying it is not too much of a spoiler. As any fan of John Woo knows, plot details are usually his fifth priority.

If you want to see Chow Yun Fat running around in a hail of gunfire, this is Heaven…or whatever they believe in over there. When he learns of a criminal buy going down, his natural assumption is to rush in by himself. He must know some sort of ancient Chinese secret. If Mr. Whiskey was a superhero, his power would be the immunity to stray gun fire. The sheer level of sparks in this scene is enough to make the creator of Highlander think it is excessive. Being the one-man Ghost Recon team that he is, Cognac takes out numerous bullet-absorbents and keeps on coming. By the way, he also has a whole bunch of grenades now too; run like hell! When that man has shrapnel-based explosives, it is like pissing off the star of Walker: Texas Ranger a recipe for pain and destruction. This scene almost makes you empathize for all of those nameless flunkies. It is the first time that I think that a scene could actually be described as an orgy of bullets. The main bad guys get away, making sure to leave time for some betrayal and back-stabbing first though. Our hero also manages to survive, though that was pretty freaking obvious.

Of all the films I expected to be a comedy of errors, Hard Boiled was not on the top of my list. These cops often display Keystone-esque feats of stupidity that makes you wonder how they got hired in the first place. You would think that in a country with that many people, they could find people who do not commit quite so much justifiable homicide. Jingoism aside, it does make for some pretty good laughs. The idiocy ranges from the generally stupid- taking off your flak jacket right before I guy bursts in and shoots you- to the astonishingly-bad – like how they deal with an electronic-lock on a door before the big face-off. The crux of this movie's Darwin Award-worthiness involves their protection of a mob snitch late into the story. The undercover cop, when forced into a situation where his 'comrades' want the man dead, shoots him in a non-vital area and chucks him into the water for Rum to rescue. Later, they are covertly guarding him in his hospital room; good so far. When an assassin sneaks into his room to kill the guy, he finds only an empty room and quick death. Being the bright guys they are, the duo celebrate their own cleverness, all the while ignoring the man they were protecting. As you might expect, he gets killed in a sneak attack while they are not watching. I do not have any faith in the Witness Protection Program now. Thanks, John Woo.

If you are a fan of action movies and are not afraid of a heaping, helping dose of absurdity, Hard
Boiled is a must-see movie. I was not exactly expecting a lot from the movie, given that most films with that level of Indy hype tend to be a let-down, so it was pleasantly surprising. Chow Yun Fat really does not have much to do in the movie, save for jumping around and firing off prop guns. Admittedly, if I could pull it off, that would be enough for me too. For this movie, it proves to be just fine. Oftentimes, action movies can be a letdown in the long run; having great action scenes in the beginning, but appearing to putter out when it comes to delivering the coup de gras. That is not the case here. The ending action scene in the film is an extended bit involving the siege of a hospital. You have to give a guy credit for staging a 30+ minute scene like John Woo did. As for the rest of Boiled" it is not exactly a slouch either. After you watch this movie, there is no question about why he became the darling of the action movie market. One could debate how well he has since lived up to his reputation over the years, but that is another matter altogether. That guy with the stubble and the minor in Film Studies is not lying to you when he says that you need to see this movie. However, that bit about Ayn Rand being the greatest author of all time is bull-crap. In summary- explosions good, Atlas shrugging bad.

Great Lines of Cinema: War of the Planets

Many lines echo throughout the annals of cinema history. Such classics as "I'll be back" and "Play it again, Sam," although the latter was never actually uttered. Seriously- look it up.

Anyhow, I want to celebrate those lines that don't get enough credit. They may not be perfect, well-crafted or immensely clever. But they are funny to listen to, whether they were written for comedic effect or not. We'll start with....

War of the Planets

Basically, a whole planet is run by this crazy computer and it is killing anyone it does not like. Our heroes come in their ship to explore space and get dragged into it. They use their wealth of scientific knowledge to put an end to the monster. Okay, they actually just ask their computer. Here is the result:


If you did not get it, their computer told them to press the red button to kill the machine. Why not? Even better, they do it with a slingshot. All true.

Stay tuned for more from such films as Cyborg II and the mother of all crappy films: Starcrash!

International Cinema Extravaganza (Part 1)

Conquest

Faceless warriors, swamp zombies and nearly-naked Destros are on the menu tonight. When you hire Lucio Fulci to make a sword-and-sandal film that is what you are going to get. For all you non-film nerds, he is an Italian director known for making serial killer films and ones in which women get ocular surgery from a zombie. Just check YouTube and that last part will make sense. In this case, Lucio made one about a thong-clad lady in an iron mask using 'Wookies' to hold down clans of cave people. After getting a cryptic vision of her death at the hands of an organ-stuffed scarecrow and his magic bow, she summons the ancient power of a wooden statue to avert that fate. It is just as insane as it sounds. The movie also has moments of severe gore- i.e. a woman being ripped in twain- amongst the usual combat and swordplay. An odd aspect of Conquest is that the protagonist is a rail-thin dork who meets a grizzled barbarian who is obviously the real hero of the picture. There is quite a long bit of movie before they really get to this though, making me wonder how much of this was changed in editing or on the set itself. Really strange magical effects are also quite resplendent in the movie, the best of which is a magic bow that appears to be made out of pure energy. Unique choreography, jazzy music and superfluous use of slow-motion are also what you get in spades here. Throw in cheesy effects and the package is complete.

Mystery in Bermuda

If I trust anyone to uncover a hidden conspiracy of global proportions, it is El Santo the luchador. This movie, available as a part of a handy two-pack, features both the legendary Mexican wrestler and his courageous comrade Blue Demon. The plot involves a bunch of scientists living at the bottom of the ocean in an apparent utopia-like society that like to weird experiments. Despite this film's similarity to a good episode of The Simpsons, it really just comes off as more weird than entertaining. The real mark against this movie is its severe lack of midgets. The companion piece- The Avenging Champions- you see had more midgets in it than a Being Tossed By People In A Fair Support Group. On the plus side, Santo is a pretty good performer and never takes off his mask. Even in a scene in which the men are hanging around a hotel pool casually reading the paper, they are in bathing suits and their masks. They just sort of accept it and you will too. You get to see weird people in jumpsuits teleport via cheap effects, which is at least good for a small laugh. Aside from the ludicrous nature of the story, it is not that exciting. It is sort of a trade-off for film buffs. On one hand, the film has El Santo, Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras. On the other, it is just not as good as the other film. If you are buying the DVD, there is no real issue, since you get both. Casual viewers will have to make the choice though: midgets or no midgets.

Great Moments in Special Effects: Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.

Today's item comes from the real curiosity- a good Troma film. While not good in the Citizen Kane sort of way, it is a good balance of silly, stupid effects and plot. It is...

Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.

The plot involves a New York Cop getting turned into a superhero after being kissed by an old Japanese man in Kabuki attire. He has to stop an evil power with the use of super-strange powers. Watch one of them in action here. See if you can spot the special effect used.

Saving You The Trouble: The Return of Captain Invincible

Throwing fifteen different spices in a pot is not a good way to make a soup. This metaphor is strongly proven by a strange, strange film:

The Return of Captain Invincible

Let me try to sum up the different genres mixed together in one sentence. The film is a superhero comedy-musical-parody with elements of drama. It's hard to see where this went wrong.

The Bull$#!* Song

A funny song that is short and concise. So concise that it only has one word in it. Just guess.

The 'Choose Your Poison' Song

It has Christopher Lee singing, which can compensate for anything.

A smart writer summarized the problem with the film quite well. I will defer to his words here: “The Return of Captain Invincible” is a two or three joke movie that doesn’t work at the length it is.
It's a shame too. It could have been great. Ah well.

Great Weapons of Cinema #2

Today's movie weapon comes to us courtesy of one of the greatest films of all time:

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

As part of his complex revenge scheme against the 9 Doctors who killed his wife, - no, they are not Time Lords!- Phibes has an ingenious kill coming. Sticking with the theme of Biblical Plagues, he kills this man in the method of Livestock.

How? Just watch.



Thanks to badmovies.org for the clip and Robert Fuest for making this awesome movie.

Saving You The Trouble: Gymkata

As my review says, the movie is not that good. So, I'm going to save you the trouble of watching it. You're welcome.

Thanks to http://www.badmovies.org/ for the clip.

Gymkata

Gymkata

Combining the dullness of male gymnastics with the subpar acting skills of a martial arts actor is a brilliant idea. Provided, of course, your goal is to make a dumb and very dated film that looks unprofessional on most levels. As Presidential banner-makers say, 'Mission accomplished.' As a film, Gymkata just screams 'the 80s.' Ironically, it makes me wish it was the early 80s, because I would not have enough cognitive ability to actually watch the film. There are certainly worse films you can watch out there- Albert Pyun does love to work after all- but there are also better ones. There are even better action films of the cheesy variety out there. Why does the movie stand out in anyway then? It takes itself very seriously, which is certainly not the easiest thing to do. Nobody in the movie is really that talented, but they believe in what they are doing…damn it. Besides, it is hard to forget a movie that has a fight scene centered on the use of a pommel horse. If the bulk of the movie was centered around that kind of action, as any bit of common sense would suggest, it would be easy to recommend as a gimmicky-film. It does not. All the other elements are there- introduction, training montage, perfunctory back story and fully-realized conflict- so the film is a complete piece of work.

"Hey, how are you doing? By the way, your dad was a spy and you need to invade a foreign country to save him. You like cupcakes?" This is the extent of the level of plot build-up we get in Gymkata pretty much. In a flash, our young Olympian goes from being a mild-mannered…young Olympian to government agent who uses his Olympic training to survive an extreme form of 'American Gladiators.' Of course, because he is so horribly out of shape and paunchy- what with his 4% body fat- he has to go through a bit of training. It must be tough to adjust to a life of strict diet and training that consumes your life to that degree. During his training, he meets a girl, who we are supposed to believe that he is interested in. Oh and she is the Princess of Parmistan, the amusingly-named, fictitious country of the film's setting. I love how they mixed a topping for spaghetti with our then-ally Afghanistan. The training he undergoes involves such everyday tasks as walking on his hands up a set of stairs. It is like Rocky, except stupid. No, I do not mean Rocky IV.

Nothing says 'Welcome to our country' like wannabe-ninjas chucking spears at you. It is not long after arriving in Parmistan…wow, that really is such a dumb name…that our hero gets involved in his first fight scene. The movie earlier espoused the idea of Gymkata, mixing his years of training with his ability to do a bad spin kick. Sadly, the full potential of this ridiculous style is only realized a few times in the film. This is a film just screaming for a remake or sequel, if only to have a good bit of fun with it. Our hero rescues the Princess from terrorists only to need to be saved by the S.I.A. (Special Intelligence Agency). By all means, build up our hero by having him need to be rescued this early in the film. He is later knocked out- seriously, movie- and awakens in the palace with the other participants of 'The Game.' A lack of HHH notwithstanding, this game is not the most dangerous one, though it is kind of funny. That counts for something. All this to get a satellite launched; okay, then.

Any game that involves ninjas as flag-wavers is great in my book. After all this build-up, The Game is…well, odd. As mentioned earlier, this contest is like some bizarre version of the show 'American Gladiators' or 'Ninja Warrior.' The competitors go running through a jungle and pass through a serious of landmarks. These points of interest are marked by ninjas who stand around with large yellow flags in their hands. Apparently, a simple sign or two would not be sufficient. Along the way, non-flag-waving throw spears and shoot arrows at them, something that is sorely lacking from 'Ninja Warrior,' although you do get the Nerf cannon from 'Gladiators' which seems nearly as effective. In the test run, none of the prisoners put into the test survive. I like our hero's odds. After a show of manliness from the biggest tough guy in Parmistan- who is also appointed to be the Princess' fiancée, - The Game begins proper the next day. He is given a rival named Thorg and both of them join a group of 'red shirts' in the contest. Of course, a precious few of the competitors can make it through the vicious gauntlet, one of whom is our hero. Clearly, handstand training pays off…finally.

Nothing can keep a good man down, even several life-threatening injuries. During a fight with Cabot, Thorg is shot with an arrow through the heart. This happens because our hero ducks out of the way and lets him be wounded. USA! USA! The tiny acrobat escapes into the Village of the Crazies- the actual name- where his seemingly-immortal enemy has returned! They do battle again, this time in a room full of pitchfork-wielding villagers. Ever the tough guy, our hero runs away, yet again leaving Thorg to be killed by someone else's work. Hurray?!? He is rescued by his dad, who, like everyone in this movie, is shot in the back. This leads up to the final fight between Cabot and Zamir, his romantic and political rival. After a long ass-kicking, our hero pulls out a random and absurd Gymkata move. He does about six flips, lands on the guy's shoulders and locks his legs around the guy's neck. The man's neck being made of straw, it snaps very easily. The villain is killed, the girl is free to marry this clearly-not-gay man and, best of all, and a satellite has been launched over Parmistan as part of the Star Wars program. I mean, the Missile Defense Program, and not the program to make some sort of 'Death Star' to destroy our rivals. That is still tied up in Congress…for now.

I wish this movie was more fun that it really is. The film is considered to be a minor cult classic now a la Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or Alligator. The difference is that those two movies are not big piles of wasted potential. Instead of choosing to go for the gusto and be creative, the producers instead chose to go the standard route and be a bit boring. I know that you are immediately hooked by the title of Gymkata and think "fun." I hate to be a buzz kill, but this is more like Deathstalker III than Deathstalker II. One stand out moment exists in the film, but this is near the end. Amidst fighting the town of cannibals and ass-less uniform wearing priests, Cabot discovers a pommel horse in the town square. He does a whole routine involving kicks and flips around the inexplicably-placed object. Had there been ninety minutes of this, I would be recommending this with the same gusto I use for Riki-Oh or Duel to the Death. As it stands right now, this is not even close.

Top Twelve Dumbest Movie Victims

Top Twelve Dumbest Movie Victims

12. Shark Attack 3: This one belongs in the 'I should have been paying attention' category. In the midst of a giant shark attack, - surprising, I know- our villain decides to flee the scene in his jet ski. He looks back at the scene and laughs, before turning around and seeing his imminent death. Another shark, you see, has popped up and has its mouth wide open for him. He goes right in, apparently dying at some point. This one really needs to be seen.

11. Island of Death: If someone is trying to kill you, do not stop running. Towards the end of his killing spree, our antagonist spies on a woman showering and decides to make her the next victim. He chases for a while before a small mob spots him in the act. He exits the apartment, but not before stabbing the sickle into the door in anger. Of course, the woman decides to rest her head against it, relieved that she is safe. Should you relax when he has just left the room a second ago? Maybe you should be less stupid. She sort of had it coming, really

10. Subterano: When common sense fails you, death is soon to come. In the midst of a live-action video game of life-and-death, the 'guy who knows the rules' finds a 'save point.' To save the game, you must stick your head in a floating orb. Sigh. Yeah, so he gets his head cut off. It is like he wanted to die or something. If you want to live, start acting smarter people. In a place where innocuous things will kill you, something like this should stand out.

9. Final Exam: You would expect better from adults, but you would be wrong. Near the end, the Coach comes to the rescue our heroine from the nameless killer. He comes armed with his bow and arrow- for a hunting trip- and shoots up at the man in the tower. The killer catches his arrow in front of his chest, so, naturally, the Coach comes running at him unarmed. He gets stabbed with his own arrow. After a display of skill like that, why would you want to fight someone like that, whether they were armed or not? Someone catching an arrow you shot is sort of like a rattlesnake warning you to keep your distance.

8. Friday the 13^th, Part 5: He is dumb even compared on the level of other slasher movie victims. While on a company retreat, he is out with a bunch of middle-management yuppies paintballing in the woods. Jason appears, so he does the only natural thing: shoot him with his paintball gun. It is astounding that someone would even think that it was a good idea for more than a split second. A quick death tells you why that was a bad call…not that it wasn't incredibly obvious.

7. Satanic Rites of Dracula: Sadly, this is one of two Christopher Lee appearances here. In the big fight with Van Helsing, the Count is sent running from the sight of a cross. He flees through his thorn bushes, but gets tangled up in them. Two things to note: thorns hurt him here (due to the whole 'crown of thorns' thing) and he had them planted at his house. He is mortally wounded before his arch enemy finishes the job. If he comes back, he will kill his gardener! That's just for starts, anyways.

6. Versus: Overconfidence is logical if it is based on anything. After a long period of build-up in regards to the man's questionable qualifications, the policeman comes face to face with the escaped convict. The only problem is that said convict is wielding his big, anti-tank cannon. The man attempts to show off and do a 'Matrix' dodge, only he throws his back out and gets blown up. He is left as a pile of puzzle pieces. Do not show off or this will happen to you, kids. The more you know…

5. Crimson Rivers 2: When in doubt, listen to Jean Reno. At the climax of this French film you will never see, Christopher Lee holds Reno and partner hostage underground in the Maginot Line to find hidden gold. He is warned that blowing the ceiling will cause the river to pour in. He ignores this and does so anyways. Who wants to guess what happen? There is a sad look on his face as the place fills up and he commits suicide to avoid drowning. If only you could find out whose fault that was, huh? Get back to me on that.

4. Cloverfield: These people are quite possibly the dumbest ever. First, they run towards a 100-ft plus monster to get to the subway tunnel. Then they cross through a dark tunnel filled with off-shoots of the previous monster. Lastly, they go all the way into a building, climb up to the roof and climb across to a second building, which is lying perched precariously against the other one. The scary part- almost all of them survive this. Only an inexplicable monster attack or two and a bombing of NYC's Central Park actually kill them. Who has luck like that and still gets killed?

3. The Toxic Avenger: Anyone who engages in a fist fight with a mutant is already off to a bad start. In the midst of a restaurant robbery, the eponymous hero decides to stand up for the victims. The robber is disarmed figuratively before he is disarmed literally by an attempted judo flip by the Avenger. He does not notice this, however, until he looks down and sees the severed limb. He freaks out- naturally- and is taken down by a swing of his loose arm from our hero. How do you not feel that exactly?

2. Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah: Sometimes your memories can horribly mislead you. A corporate executive is convinced that Godzilla is there to save Tokyo from King Ghidorah. This is because his unit in WWII was saved by a dinosaur that eventually became the beast. Amidst the fight, he tries to reason with his 'friend' as it passes by his building. After a brief moment of shared emotion between the two, he is blasted into vapor by his 'buddy.' With friends like that, you don't need any enemies!

1. Dreamcatcher: Having a small obsession is one thing if it does not cause your death. Our hero is stuck in a cabin with a freaky alien monster. He has the door barricaded, but he has lost his toothpick. He desperately attempts to hold the door while reaching back for the tiny piece of wood. He fails. He is killed because he dropped his toothpick? This is the best that the duo of Stephen King and Lawrence Kasdan could come up with. Of course, those of us who saw the whole thing did not set our expectations high. A group of psychic kids join forces later in life to stop aliens. Are you for real?

Getting to Know A Director: Dario Argento

Want to know how to recognize a director's work? Tired of those stupid credits and IMDB pages? Well, you're in luck. My first subject is one of my favorite directors...

Dario Argento

1. Use of 1st Person Perspective: It all got started with his Giallo (Italian suspense film) work in the early '70s. Going as far as more recent films like The Stendhaal Syndrome (1996), he has continued to use it. Most people know this for being used in the seminal film Halloween (1975), not realizing that it actually goes back to Peeping Tom (1964) and Blood and Black Lace (1968). Enough film history. Just watch it in action.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6zJGUUiG0c

2. Long, tracking shots: Dario is the master of doing these without being boring. It's hard to explain why these work so well. Simply put, they keep you looking until- BAM! -the killer strikes. Good uses are the 'dog scene' in Suspiria and this one. Watch from 1:35 on and see.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS_kutSttcg

3. Bloody, bloody deaths: This man knows how to kill people. He loves to show murders, even past the point that most people may like. He challenges you to go past your comfort zones and not look away. This will give you an idea...

4. Animals Galore: One of the more subtle themes in Dario's movies. His first films consist of the 'Animal Trilogy': Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Four Flies on Gray Velvet and Cat O'Nine Tails- and it does not end there. A dog kills a man in Suspiria, animals are killed (in the story) in Inferno and monkeys are also prevalent. Monkeys play an integral role in two of his films- Phenomena and The Mother of Tears. My favorite is the evil dog from Tenebre seen here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtsw3Z5uKUc

5. Superflous titling: Somehow Dario Argento's movie titles do not make all that much sense in regards to the film. Bird with the Crystal Plumage's title comes from the titular animal's presence and how it helps them find the killer. Um...okay. Tenebre is the name of the main character's most recent book which he is in Italy to promote. I guess that works.

So that's just a taste of what to expect from an Argento film. The key thing to understand is that in a good Argento film, you never know what to expect.

Musical Moments in Film: Q: The Winged Serpent

It's hard to imagine that this comes to you from a giant monster film from the 1980s. Really.

Q: The Winged Serpent

This film is about a giant Aztec God flying around New York City and eating random tourists. Who cares about that crap though? Instead, the movie focuses quite a bit on Michael Moriarty's manic criminal who stumbles upon it's nest. Here we get to see him entertaining...nobody in a bar...in the middle of the afternoon.

Seriously, there are lots of monster moments in the film. I just happen to love this clip a lot.

Chuck Strikes Back!

This is for all of those 'Chuck Norris Facts.' If you mess with him, he will bust your balls like he did to this retarded (it's in the plot, people) redneck in "Breaker, Breaker."

Incidentally, this movie is interesting and cheap. My friends and I picked up it for about $5 at Wal-Mart. By this point, it's probably down to $2.

Basically, Chuck's brother is kidnapped by a super 'tourist trap' town and he goes in to rescue him. A whole convoy of trucks run over the Mayor while our hero fights the sheriff amidst random footage of a horse running around.

I don't get either.

Great Weapons of Cinema

Movies have brought us many great weapons. Who can forget when they first saw the famous light saber in action? Or when Conan first wielded that mighty sword to kill James Earl Jones? Or even when Scorpion yelled 'get over here' and tried to kill Johnny Cage with that flying blade?
But, aside from these famous moments, it has brought us some really curious ones. That is what I want to focus on here. This should be the first of many lessons in 'who the hell thought up this crazy thing' on the big screen.

Future Force

In this 'classic' film starring David Carradine, he is a C.O.P. who has to protect a reporter who knows too much. If only she could have known just enough! The villain sends a series of thugs to kill her, with no luck. Desperate, he sends out his biggest lackey to do the job: Mr. Clean! Okay, it's actually the guy who played 'Mr. Clean' in the live-action commercials from the 1960s.

At this point, the fight is not going Carradine's way, so he must utilize his secret weapon: the Hand. This miracle of series is super strong and works on a very unique remote control. Enough build-up, let's watch...


Yeah. That's good stuff right there.

Stay tuned next time for crazy swords, questionable bombs and...a horse?

Great Moments in Special Effects: Warriors of the Wasteland

Dating back to the first major film ever- "Birth of a Nation"- producers tried to create some sort of special effects. It started out as simple make-up work (the 'black face' in "Birth") and escalated into full computer-generated characters. Along the way, a lot of people did it horribly, horribly wrong. This is one of them...

Warriors of the Wasteland

The secondary hero of the film- Fred Williamson- is an archer with a very unique set of weaponry. His arrows are explosive-tipped and he puts them to a good use. He blows the crap out of dozens of cult members. The effects used are often laughable. Through the miracle of slow-motion replay, enjoy the cheapness.



Mm mm...that gives a whole new meaning to 'losing your head.' Sorry for the pun. Not really.

Stay tuned for more...

O.F.A.R.: The Gardener/Wild Zero

O.F.A.R.
Obscure For A Reason

Do you ever wonder why someone like me reviews a movie and you have never heard of it? I sure do. This is why...

MOST OF THEM SUCK!

There are some real gems out there like "Ricky-Oh" and "Duel to the Death," but may are just bad! Here are a couple cases for you in what may end up being a recurring segment.

1. The Gardener: I just saw this the other day, so the soil is still fresh here. Joe Dallesandro- of "Flesh for Frankenstein" and "Trash" fame- stars as a mysterious, buff gardener who is hired by a rich yuppie lady. He does a great job, but the husband gets jealous. Eventually, the woman begins to look into the man's past and find some questionable things. 

 After her friend is killed by loosely-hanging foliage, she confronts him and burns his body down after it sort of turns into a tree. NOTHING happens for 83 minutes. We get a cheap kill scene at the beginning and nothing for another 70+ minutes. 

 The payoff is not worth it. 

 Don't let a good DVD menu and presentation fool you.

2. Wild Zero: This all the makings of a great film and no results to show for it. As a zombie plague breaks out in the Japanese boonies, the band Wolf- featuring Drum Wolf, Guitar Wolf and Bass Wolf- come into town. 

 They play second-fiddle to the young hero and his conflicted relationship with his lady pal. The lady, it seems, is actually a man. He actually has a hard time making up his mind. Eventually, the group battles the aliens behind the outbreak and the day is saved. This movie tries to get by solely on characters' posturing and posing but fails. 

 The band does nothing but look around and comb their hair. There is a pay-off in the end, but it is too little, too late. Despite what you may think, just don't bother here.

That's just a taste. More coming down the pipe, people!

Disembodied Heads of Cinema (Part 2)

6. The Amazing Screw-On Head: Leave it to Mike Mignola to create a superhero like this! An inventor has survived with just his head, which he attaches to different bodies depending on what the mission entails. He works for President Lincoln and battles an interesting duo: his former butler and his vampire ex-girlfriend. While only a pilot for an unsold TV series, it is still great. Easily worth a viewing by fans of the absurd.

5. Dead Alive: Peter Jackson knows two things: hobbits and dismemberment. In this film, people are torn or cut to shreds like crazy! The zombies here do not let decapitation or the like slow down their desire to kill. He actually ups the ante by having an evil set of disembodied organs! It desperately chokes are hero with some of the entrails in an absurd act of attrition. Like all of Jackson's early works, this demands a sequel!

4. Evil Dead II: You just know that this had to be here somewhere. After blowing away a Deadite, Ash is attacked by her flying head in a vicious attack. It latches on like a dog to it's favorite chew toy. This makes a lasting impact, because it infects his hand which, in turn, has to be removed. You know what that made room for- the chainsaw! Without the work of this evil head, we would not truly have the Ash that we know and love.
3. The Thing: When John Carpenter remakes a movie, he goes for all the gusto! The new monster is an alien that takes over human bodies. After the famous 'who is the monster' scene, it emerges and gets mutilated to all to hell. It shows tenacity by sprouting little legs on the disembodied head and begins to flee. Unfortunately, the monster has the same weakness as White Martians- fire. What's next- an alien being that is killed by water? How dumb would that be.

2. Duel to the Death: If you are lucky enough to have seen this movie, you will know why it is here. One of our two heroes is battling his enemy and making short work of him. Off goes an arm! Off goes the side of his body! Bam! His head is cut off and flies onto a tree branch. Unfazed by this, the head delivers a monologue of vengeance before exploding! Holy crap, how did that happen?!? Don't question it- just go with it.

1. Re-Animator: How do you top all of that? By making a disembodied head with staying power. Dr. West's boss/rival is dismembered by a zombie, but his head is saved. Brought back to life with the mysterious goo, he plans a revenge scheme. Like in "TBTWD," he can psychically communicate with the other undead. He does this in the first AND second film, outlasting any other head on this list. Not even mentioning his love of sex as just a head, this man is a freaking winner!

More crazy lists to come.