New Crap: Robert and the Toymaker (2017)

 The Doll that won't die continues to appear in Films.  How much mileage can you get from a real life Doll that didn't kill anyone?  Let's see...

In 1940s Germany, things aren't great.

A man is hiding out from the Nazis (all 3 of them).  Can they hide him and his magic book?

More importantly, can the Film be a more blatant rip-off of Inglorious Basterds?

Seriously- this is so sad and blatant.

One girl survives the incident (which takes up nearly half of the runtime!) and gives the book to the titular Toymaker.

So here's the second big issue for me- they made the Toymaker old here, despite casting a younger Actor as him.

I thought the whole idea of him being old in the Present was to explain how they do a 1940s story with the YOUNG Actor...but nope.  WTF?!?

As a test of the Book's power, he uses it on Robert.  

He tells his Assistant that he thinks the Doll already houses the soul of a boy named Robert (who died while holding it).

So, obvious question, why have this redundant origin?
Either have the soul animate the Doll OR have the magic animate the Doll?

Oh right- we're ripping off Annabelle, which also DOUBLE DIPPED on its Origin Story!

Besides, ripping off Inglorious Basterds, let's address the obvious...

A Dollmaker is trapped in a Country with Nazis.
He uses a magic formula to bring his Dolls to life to kill them.
He's captured.
The Dolls save him.

So yeah, this is Puppet Master 3.  
Period.

Anyhow, Robert attacks the Assistant for no reason and he gets stopped.

I'm sure that this won't turn out to be important.

To see how this goes, watch the Film on Prime or other services.

Another disappointment of a Film.  Mind you, the last 2 weren't good, so what was I expecting?  This is no different, for the most part.  All of the same problems are here.  The Dolls aren't articulated and don't move- at all.  Anytime they are supposed to be moving, it is either tiny feet moving in a tight shot or someone clearing just moving them up and down.  Seriously- don't make Films about killer dolls if you can't afford CGI or Stop-Motion or Model-Work.  If you can't show the damn dolls move, don't bother!  It's like making a Godzilla Film where you can't afford/figure out how to make him blow up a damn City!  The Acting isn't bad, but it is not impressive.  Not Christoph Waltz does try to sound scary and/or authoritative, but it never feels authentic.  I never 'believed' he was evil, if that makes sense.  That's another thing- they loved to give him Monologues in this one.  He monologues in EVERY Scene.  In a bit where he kills 'a rat,' he can't just do it.  No, he needs to drone on for like five minutes about 'the rat race' and stuff like that before he kills them.  The old 'Here's your payment- shot in the head' schtick is too good for you, eh?  This one also continues the double-dose of stupid: people can't overpower dolls and one tiny cut/blow kills you.  Tell me how a doll can hit you with a bat to knock you out again- I'm all ears.  The Film is long and drawn out with little payoff.  That's clearly why they made...a FOURTH ONE?!?

Bad stuff that thinks that it is better than it is.  It's not original or thrilling- bummer.

Streaming Standard: Penny Dreadful- Season 1

 I didn't have Showtime back in 2014.  Did you?

If not, you missed out on this Show.
Well, Netflix has it now and I'm watching it.

Before I complete the Show, I should probably start reviewing it.

Let's start at the beginning...

A Penny Dreadful was a cheap Horror Story from back in the 19th Century.

This Show is a 'classed up' version of one of those- hence the Title.

Plus, it is a great Title!

The Main Story involves a rich man (Timothy Dalton) trying to find his missing Daughter Mina.

He gets the help of an American Gunslinger (Josh Hartnett), Dr. Frankenstein (Harry Treadaway) and Miss Ives (Eva Green).

Can they figure out what the strange creatures are and save Mina?

The Show has an Ensemble Cast and tries (successfully IMHO) to balance all of them and their Plots.

Among the group, you have a Prostitute (Billie Piper) who ends up with Ethan.

The Doctor is haunted in the flesh by his *first* creation- Caliban- who returns to get 'what he is owed'- a mate.

It has yet to work out in a Film, so we'll see.

In the mix is also Dorian Gray, an enigmatic, rich and clearly pansexual person/creature.

He makes the moves on at least 3 Cast Members- see if you can guess all 3.

Will this end well for anyone?

To find out, stream the Show now and make up for lost time.

A jolly good Show!  A jolly bleak Show!  Penny Dreadful was made for Premium/Pay Cable and takes full advantage of that.  There's blood.  There's death.  There's nudity.  What they do well is not make any of it fell crass.  The Show has a proper British wit and charm to it.  That counterbalances moments like a man being ripped in half or people having sex (sometimes with blood involved).  The violent or freaky moments always have impact- which is key.  When a Show is nothing but that kind of thing, it can easily fail to shock and/or impress you.  This Show has a big Cast, a big Plot and manages to make it all work.  If I have to critique, I would have liked to have more David Warner in this.  He's so good- what a bummer.  Other than that, the Show kept me watching (I finished Season 2) and kept me interested.  I actively avoid the SPOILERS (which is hard when the Show ended 4 years ago) to keep the big surprises coming.  The Show certainly did not get lighter...

If you like dark, classy entertainment, this is a must-see.  Any Show that can get you to track down stuff like 'The Portrait of Dorian Gray' is a winner to me.

My Crazy Youth (Holiday Edition): The Time That Friday the 13th Featured John Wilkes Booth('s Make-Up Case)!

 As we get to the final Friday the 13th of 2020, we might as well cover another Episode of Friday the 13th: The Series.

This time, we cover an Episode by the Director of Friday the 13th: Part 6.  
Given that our Lead would be in Friday the 13th: Part 9, it's a double-dipping of bad luck.

This time, we get to see the...

Our Heroes get a job on a Movie Set lending out Props (hopefully not the evil ones!).

A temperamental Actor makes drama on the set, but gets an eye for our Heroine.

The man- William Pratt- is going around killing people when they offend him.

On top of that, he has a mysterious make-up case...

He offends the Leading Lady and subsequently kills her.  Why does he need her blood?

While the others get suspicious, she gets close to him.

They find out that he used to be deformed and killed an Actress who spurned him for a 'handsome' Actor.

He escaped the Mental Ward and got the evil Make-Up Case to become William Pratt.

Now that he's found 'love' with our Heroine, will things end well for them?

Nope. 

He tries to kill her when she rejects his chewed up gum face.

…but then she tells him that she loves him and he breaks down.

Great lesson?  The End.

Pretty standard stuff, barring a few quirks.  The Story is a pretty familiar one if you've watched this Show before.  Person gets cursed object.  Person must kill to make cursed object work.  Cursed Object inevitably fails/backfires and ends their life/journey.  

At least in this one they don't have him die- that's different.  The Episode actually doesn't say what his fate is, so the Wiki is kind of vague.  

Did he confess to the Murders? 

 Can they prove that William Pratt is an alias used by the real guy?  

Can they even prove the killings?  

What happened to all of the poor Grips and Best Boys who lost their jobs?!?  They are the real victims- no offense, dead guys.  

Incidentally, if they can prove that he was faking his identity to be Pratt, what can of worms does that open?  'Yes, Officer- I used this magic Make-Up Case to change my looks.  How did I get it?  It was stolen from a Cursed Store and I bought it.  Yes, I know where the Store is.' 

 In hindsight, this should be the Series Finale, no?  All jokes aside, it's pretty rote stuff, but can be enjoyable in spite of the Plot.  It's still not as scary as the *real* Master of Disguise though...

New Streaming: The Boys- 'Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker'

 As we breath a baited breath to be past (most of the) Election Drama, let's look at the second-to-last Episode of the Season of...

In the Episode's Cold Open, we see the sad price to be paid for the Xenophobia pushed by Stormfront and Homelander.

This is...just something else.

Speaking of the two, they continue a PR Campaign as the Hearings on Vought Industries in Congress nears.

They also pay a visit to Homelander's Son and...yeah, it's not fun.

As for Butcher, he meets a face from this past, as this Show loves Parallel Structure.

Yes, I am smart for noticing this- thanks for asking.

Will Not Iceman be a help to the cause or just another Supe who makes things worse?

All I know is that I don't want to watch Videos with him!

It all leads up to a big finale and...yeah, I won't SPOIL it.  I'll just leave this reaction shot up instead.

To find out what happens, stream the Show.

Wow- they sure do keep it up.  The Boys continues to be a big, crazy Show.  We get exploding limbs, sudden death and all sorts of insanity in between.  At a certain point, you wonder just when the next person is going to die!  In between those moments, you get nice, subtle ones.  Stuff like Butcher and his Parents is a good relief from the bursts of violence.  Seeing someone like Shawn Ashmore playing a Character like Lamplighter is a nice surprise too, given how famous he is for playing Iceman.  I mean, there's the fire thing, but you know, also the murder.  They also answer the question of 'Do Porn Parodies Exist of Superhero Films in this Universe?'  I know that you were all wondering.  I can't talk too much about the Plot without getting into SPOILERS, so I won't.  Instead, here's a few things that happen with no context- Tea Time, The Blind Side and Almond Joy.  As I ready myself for the finale, the Episode Title does give me some reading to do...

Next time, the Season 2 Finale.  What fresh hell will they come up with to wrap it up?  See you then...

New Crap: The Curse of Robert (The Doll) (2016)

 Who is the real dummy- me or him?  The tale of a not-at-all-scary Doll has been turned into a Series of Films, so let's look at the second one...

As a reminder, this is Robert the Doll.
He resides in a Museum in Key West, Florida.

I haven't visited him yet.  Should I?

This is Robert the (Movie) Doll.  

He looks like a cross between Chucky and the old Bucs Coach who they said looked like Chucky.
He resides in a Museum in Swansea, England.

Our Story involves a quartet of people working at the Museum.

It all happens at night for a few reasons...

1) Atmosphere

2) Lazy Writing

3) No Budget to show actual people in the Museum.

Seriously, not one Scene that I can recall showing this REAL Museum full of people going by the Robert the Doll Exhibit that they must have set up for the Film!

As deaths start to pile up in the Film's small Cast (I counted 7 people of note), will they solve the mystery?

The two survivors try to clear their names (in spite of the lack of evidence) and look into the Doll's past.

Will the Mother help them?  Will they give her the same lazy backstory as the Mom from Child's Play 2?

On top of all that, what bizarre backstory will they suddenly add for the Doll and its Creator?

To find out, stream the Film.

Bad doll- stay in your chair!  This is really not great.  The idea of the Doll killing people- fine.  It is not original in the slightest, but its fine.  The execution is just where it suffers.  This is a Low-Budget Film in all of the worst ways.  They have no real Atmosphere, barely 2 Sets and no good effects.  In 2016, you can't make a Doll appear to be moving in full-frame.  When I'm watching a Puppet Master Film from like 1987, I get it.  We are way past that point though!  The Doll only moves when half of it is not visible- it's just sad.  The Doll also doesn't look that great.  The kills are pretty lackluster, since they rely on all sorts of camera and story cheats to work.  How can the Doll overpower a grown man?  Why does a woman recoil with no energy from something she could easily kick over?  How does cutting one side of a neck instantly kill you?  Why does it take an hour for someone to fight back?  On top of that, the Film is padded more than a used mattress!  The Opening Credits take a good 5 minutes due to them just being shots of her driving to the Museum intercut with black Title Cards.  The Film actually ends a good 10 minutes before it truly does, if that makes sense.  The Story is over...so now let's watch a guy walk in real time to sell the Doll to a guy.  As you can see above, the Budget didn't go into that terribly-fake-looking old age make-up used either.  Oh great- a Prequel.  Here's hoping that it ends up being the best Film yet (low bar, admittedly) like with Puppet Master.  Oh and there's a real danger Google Image Searching for Robert the Doll- you often get insane stuff like this!

A really dull, drawn out Film that didn't look like it had any Budget.  These things can be fun...if they try and get creative.  Too bad.

New Streaming: The Mandalorian- 'The Passenger'

 In order to avoid SPOILERS online, I just might keep watching this when they come out.

As such, here's a SPOILER-FREE Review of Episode 2.

Things don't go well on the way back to his Ship.

If you haven't seen it, watch the Lone Wolf & Cub Series.  There's alot of fair comparisons to make, especially when you get intros like this.

Desperate to keep his ship running and low on funds, he agrees to transport a paying passenger.

Will he regret it?

They run afoul of some trouble- calling back to Episode 6- and end up on an Ice Planet.

Sure are plenty of those in Sci-Fi, eh?

Can they escape the Planet or will a new threat rise up to end their trip early?

To find out, stream the Show.

Wash away the stain and stink of that last Film with this good Show, people!

Another good, fun Episode.  Do I need to say more?  The Mandalorian is a good Show.  It was good then.  It is good now.  That's all I need to say, right?

Oh, fine.  The Show used Amy Sedaris again- great.  She's a nice, grounded addition to the Star Wars Series.  Keep it up!  More of her- yes, please!  Seeing Tatooine again is nice and it makes you happy.  One thing I really liked is that they set up how bilingual our Hero is, which totally makes sense when you consider how many Races he must meet.  In the last Episode, he spoke Sand Person- how many people in Star Wars have you seen?  So now you see him with a new Alien and he doesn't speak a word- great.  Oh and Sedaris does- double great!  I won't go into any more about the Plot since it verges into SPOILER territory.  It's great.  Watch it.  Since they hired the Director of Ant-Man, here's a Giant Ant, who joins the Giant Praying Mantis in Star Wars.

Next time, we get more adventures in Space and more adorable Aliens.  No, I didn't mean Dr. Mandible.  See you then...

Lost in Translation: Deep Shock (2003)

 A bit of Behind the Scenes info for you at the start.

When I Stream a Film from someplace like Tubi, I don't stop and Screencap it.
I later use Google to get the best images I can.

That's how I found stuff like this...

Deep Shock is an American Film about killer Electric Eels (that are actually Aliens).
While the original Poster lies with scale, this Russian one is more accurate...and less.

...what?!?

I can accept the cool-but-fake-looking one from the US Poster/Box Art.

This one looks like they couldn't/wouldn't use the Art Assets and just took a real Eel and stretched that image to fit!

I found a second version of this one (with more crap around the edges).

I just had to verify that this was a real thing!

Yep- it's real.

It's real and it is fantastic!
Thank you, Seinfeld.

My Crazy Youth: The Time That Donald Trump Guest-Starred on 'Nightman!'

 Topical!  Well, as much as anything Trump can be.
I mean, he's been infamous/famous since the '70s, after all.

In 1997, he made a less famous Cameo than his one is Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.  It was on a Syndicated Show that ran on WGN.  

Nightman- as you might recall from my article about him meeting Manimal- was a Malibu Comics Character that was briefly owned/licensed by Marvel.

His Show got 2 Seasons, getting twice as many Episodes as Ultraforce (where he also Guest-Starred).
If you count his Episode, Nightman has 27 to 12- point for him!

Let's drop all of this lead in and just go 'Face to Face' with...

In Episode 6, a criminal is given an experimental tech that allowed him to restore his face to normal after a Prison assault.

It works too well and he escapes Prison.
Meanwhile, Jazz...

The Villain wants to get revenge on those who put him in Prison.
Naturally, ALL OF THEM are related to/in the circle of our Hero.

What luck!

So this leads to the big Cameo...

After buying numerous wigs/mustaches (since he can only change his face), the guy pulls over the car on the right side of the road...

...and says that he needs to take a new face to get some 'walking around money.'

Now parked on the LEFT side of the Road, he pulls out a copy of 1987's The Art of the Deal and...

Yep.

I guess he just adapted his look to match 1997 Trump here.
Also note that he's NOT wearing a wig for this bit and I guess his hair can change now.

He goes into the Bank and greets the Manager.

If he looks familiar and you can't figure out why, the Actor is JIM Hanks, Tom's Brother.
He makes a good living and I wonder if he knows that this one Episode has made him more famous?

'Trump' gets some money and he is clearly 'screened' in.  Look at that outline.
Look at that lighting.

He gets the money after saying about five words and not emoting.

I wonder how much they paid him for this.

Do I need to recap the rest of the Episode?

Like the Joaquin Phoenix on Superboy one, but the important part comes early, so skip away.

More Nightman content in the future though- just none with this face.

If you ignore the Cameo, the Episode is still kind of silly.  Facial Morphing and just plain Morphing in general was a VERY popular effect in the 1990s.  It's not bad- just overused.  It was to overused F/X as to what Bullet Time was later.  

The Plot of 'Face to Face' is still fun outside of the infamous Cameo.
It's a good thing that there isn't a TV Version of the Razzies or he'd have won one of those too.

Nightman is on Tubi.  It's free.  Enjoy.