Poor Bastards of Cinema: It Waits (2005)

It Waits features lots of murders and death.  Even so, this one stands out to me for a few reasons...

This is our Heroine's Boss.  He's possibly a dick, but bear in mind that she's moping about, drinking and not doing her job.  She's earned some cynicism, you know.

After a lot of strange stuff, he comes out to see her.  They are driving away when they run across something creepy- the posed body of a guy she met earlier.

As they try to figure out what is going on (especially considering that he knows nothing about the monster), they hear a noise overhead and...

It drops the body of the boyfriend (which it dug up earlier) onto the boss, killing him.  Figures- he fell right in that salsa!

This guy didn't do anything, other than be skeptical of his drunk, inefficient employee.  That deserved death?

The moral: never help Park Rangers.

The Mohr you know!

Millenial Trash?: It Waits (2005)

Well, It has to Wait before it can Follow, right?  Today's Film is It Waits, a 2005 Horror Film that has nothing to do with It Follows.  I'm just a giant tease- I know.  In any case, this Film is about a Monster in the Woods.  Stop the Presses!  Actually, start them again and then stop them, since most Media is Digital these days and all.  Life is sad.  Where was I?  The mysterious Monster is all about, um, killing you and being a dick about it.  I don't know if it has an actual Gender though, so it may not be appropriate.  Since there's not much to say about that, let me waste time talking about other stuff.  The Film was partly-Produced by the late Stephen J. Cannell.  Between this and Ice Spiders, I'm guessing that the Co-Creator of The Rockford Files and The A-Team just turned into Roger Corman in his later years.  How do you go from 21 Jump Street to It Waits?  He was also a Writer on this Film though, so maybe he cares more than Corman.  The Director here is Steven R. Monroe, no doubt given the part due to his similar name.  Interestingly enough (to me), he Directed Ice Twisters, but not Ice Spiders.  He also Directed Sasquatch Mountain (a Film I covered 4 years ago tomorrow!), making my comparison to Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes all the more appropriate.  Speaking of coincidences, the Director would later go on to make two I Spit on Your Grave Sequels recently, making the fact that this followed a Rape/Revenge Film Review...completely coincidental.  Have I made this long enough yet?  Great!  In that case, read on...

In the Intro. some people checking out a Cave once occupied by Indians release the Monster.  Thanks!

Somewhere else, our Heroine is sad.  Like, really sad.  Like, 'Realizing that you've watched Roller Gator twice and can never get that time back' sad.

When you learn who was originally supposed to play this Role, it gets kind of interesting.

She works as a Park Ranger, but mostly just drinks these days.  She meets with her old boyfriend and they talk about her back-story.  It is...

She went drunk driving and her friend died.  Due to random chance, the blame was placed on the dead girl and not her.

It was better in Flight.

The pair are attacked that night by the creature that apparently just likes to mess with you for a long time before killing you.  Thanks for letting the movie reach Feature-Length, Monster!

It also knows what Satellite Dishes are and how Cars work (at least enough to make them not run).  Come again?

Random people die.

For some reason, THESE people are killed quickly.  Go figure.

Our creature eventually makes a full-on appearance.  It kind of looks like Pumpkinhead.

Okay, it is pretty much just Pumpkinhead.  Oh well- it looks cool!

For the climax, it attacks our heroine more overtly (when it isn't raining) and finally wants to kill her now.  She blows it up, but only after hitting several 'Only in Movies' delays (foot stuck between seats, seatbelt stuck, etc) in a row.

In the aftermath, she confesses to driving the car that night.  Yea...I guess.  The End.

Pretty familiar stuff, but with some slight differences.  Giving us a Female Protagonist is a nice thing to do, but I still have issues.  While she does have a whole Arc and fight for herself, I don't know if the Character is on point.  She's mostly just sad for the first half of the movie- not that she shouldn't be, I suppose.  If they were trying to make her look strong and self-reliant throughout, they failed.  She still comes off as very co-dependent, even if she ultimately saves herself in the end.  Aside from that, the Movie just hits too many all too familiar notes.  They try to stand out by having the Monster taunt its targets, but it really just feels like an attempt to prolong the Film.  Our Heroine only survives this whole time because the Monster keeps not 'pulling the trigger' on the whole killing her thing.  Hurray?  I still have to ask how the creature has an understanding of modern technology and why to target certain things.  It doesn't take out the Satellite Dish, for example, just because it was offended by the shape.  Explain, Movie!  With all of that said, the Creature looks awesome.  It Waits delivers in many ways that you'd hope for, so it is a mixed-bag.  If you get into the Story and can accept it for its faults, the Movie can be a fun time overall.  To follow up on that Teaser from earlier, here is the MAN who was originally supposed to Star in this Film- Dolph Lundgren!

Next up, a step back to the 1990s with some Techno-Horror.  While he survived Judgement Day, can he survive a CD-Based Adventure Game?  Stay tuned...

Quick Reviews: Girls Against Boys

I'm a guy, so this should be right up my alley.  I sure do love to be targeted too, so bonus!

Our Heroine (The Flash's Danielle Panabaker) is a nice, normal girl.  I'm sure that nothing bad will happen...

 A nice, friendly night with a guy ends badly when he rapes her right in front of her Apartment.  She seeks solace in a mysterious redhead when the Police are no help.

It takes a bit of work, but the pair track down the culprit.  His fate, well, it isn't good.  No SPOILERS.

Why stop at just one kill when there are so many possible victims?  Murder is like Pringles!

When things seem to take a turn for the better, can happiness really happen?  To find out, watch the Film.  The End.

Not quite what I expected, but is that a bad thing?  Girls Against Boys is much less graphic and 'shocking' than I expected.  It has all of the airs of a Rape-Revenge Film a la I Spit on Your Grave (which keeps getting Sequels!).  It certainly sounds like just another one of those Films.  The difference- well, many, to be honest.  For one thing, the majority of the 'shocking' content is not shown.  The Rape Scene isn't really shown, but mostly-just-implied.  The only Nudity in the Film comes later and definitely not in the way I was expecting.  It is not a Film lacking in violence by any means, but it doesn't revel in it.  The most graphic bit- the part where our Heroine takes her revenge- is done in a way that could probably be shown on Television.  Granted- The Walking Dead gets away with alot these days, but you get my point.  What actually is supposed to happen is by no means pleasant, but it isn't anything like the kind of things Greg Nicotero must see in his sleep by now.  The Film takes a pretty realistic look at both sides of the revenge mind-set and puts it all into perspective pretty well.  Like Final Girl, it does enough right that I can excuse any minor issues.  See it or don't- nobody is pointing a gun at your head...

A tamer, more arty kind of Rape-Revenge Film.  It hits a kind of awkward middle that probably works for less people than they think though.

What's the Best Film?: The 'Punisher' Films

When there are so many Versions of one Film, how do you decide?  Well, good news- I'm here!

For absolutely no ulterior motive, let's begin this Series of Film-to-Film Comparisons with The Punisher...

To start, here are the 3 Films to compare...

Like 1-to-1 Film Match Ups in the Past, let's break this down into Categories.  Let me start with the big one...

The Lead

So, naturally, all of the people play 'Frank Castle.'  Duh.

Dolph Lundgren plays him like, well, Dolph Lundgren- only with less sleep.  Thomas Jane plays him as an emotionally-scarred loner.  Ray Stevenson plays him as a bleak killer that struggles to keep focused on his deadly work.

No offense, Dolph, but it is down to Thomas and Ray.  While both have their merits, I'm going with...
Winner: Punisher- War Zone

The Supporting Cast

A tricky one, since the whole Story of each Film make for very different groups.

In the '89 Film, we get an old Cop (Louis Gossett Jr.) tracking down our Hero.  In the '04 Film, we get a mixed-bag of Characters staying in the same building as our Lead.  In the '08 Film, we get Microchip- Frank's friend and helper- and the Family threatened by the villain.

No matter how people feel about the Film, this Cast is most memorable...
Winner: The Punisher (2004)

The Villain

An interesting match-up as they are all so different.

In the 1988 Version, he is an evil Yakuza Boss.  In the 2004 Version, he's a vengeful Mobster.  In the 2008 Version, he's a vengeful Mobster with a messed-up face and brother.

While one has a more complex Villain and another is just so different, I'm going with...
Winner: Punisher- War Zone

The Big Action Scene

I suppose it would be appropriate to simply match the Climax of each Film against each other, one Film has a stand-out moment earlier.

In the '89 Film, Castle and a Mobster (long story) fight Ninjas and Yakuza to rescue the latter's son.  In the '04 Film, Castle is attacked at home by the infamous Russian (Kevin Nash!) in a great scene.  In the '08 Film, the best Scene is arguably from the Intro where Castle sneak attacks some Mobsters at home in grand fashion.  A similar bit actually happens in the Dolph Version, but this is better.

Tough call.  I'm going with...
Winner: The Punisher (2004)

The Story

Yeah, I used the same graphic twice- sue me!

The 1989 Film features a zombie-like Castle pursued by a man from his past and forced to team up with those he hates to stop someone worse.  The 2004 Version features Castle's origin and a complex revenge scheme against the villain.  The 2008 Film is about a veteran Castle having a crisis of faith and learning to balance life and work.

There's no real loser here, but the one that worked best for me was...
Winner: Punisher- War Zone

So there you have it!  With a score of 3-2, the winner is Punisher: War Zone!

Don't take it too badly, Dolph Version- you just aren't as good as the others.  You do have Ninjas, so you get a sentimental point.

So before you lose yourself in Daredevil's 2nd Netflix Season, don't forget about The Punisher's real origins.  I'd do one of these for Daredevil, but...I can't exactly compare Daredevil to The Trial of the Incredible Hulk, can I?

Get on that, Bob!

Holiday Syfy Crap: Leprechaun's Revenge (aka Red Clover)

Without WWE Films or Lionsgate, we can still get crappy Leprechaun Films.  After covering a Full Moon Film last year, this is almost a blessing.  Instead I've got a 2012 Film called Leprechaun's Revenge aka Red Clover to discuss.  This is most notable as a Syfy Channel Film- it was even on the Network today, in fact!  The Film is a slight rip-off of The Fog, only with a Midwestern Village full of Irish folks.  No Ghost Pirates this time- just a Leprechaun.  This is all pretty routine stuff, just using the Leprechaun stuff as a new veneer.  Hey look- Billy Zane.  You were once in Titanic and now you're a Small Town Sheriff battling a Leprechaun.  I bet you wish you'd gone down with the ship, right?  I'd say that the Director- Drew Daywalt- doesn't have a stellar Resume, but he did Direct an Episode of Extreme Dinosaurs!  I wonder how much fun those guys were to work with?  In any case, this is probably best with a pint (or two), so let's dig in...

Out in the Woods, a mysterious evil lurks, waiting to rise again.  You aren't the lady from The Guild, are you?

Our Heroine finds a red clover- roll credits!- and plucks it, accidentally unleashing said evil.  Oops.

This evil is the somewhat-titular Leprechaun, although he looks more like Pan from Pan's Labyrinth (if it was made for like $1,000).  He kills lots of folks for no good reason.

The secret of its existence lies in the mind of our Heroine's Grandfather (William Devane).  It is so silly that, well, I'm just going to tell you.

A bunch of Irish Immigrants caught a Leprechaun, shipped it to the United States with them and used its good luck to create a Town.  When it turned sour, they buried it for a couple hundred years.

Sum it up for me, Mr. Devane.

Can our Heroine unite her strained Family and her disparate friends to stop the creature?  Can she drink green beer in peace once again?  To find out, watch the Film.

Nothing all that interesting.  Leprechaun's Revenge really is just an alternate version of The Fog.  If that doesn't bother you (or you haven't seen The Fog), that's fine.  If you know Horror Films really well, this will just feel all too familiar.  That doesn't mean that it is really bad or worthless- just underwhelming.  The creature looks good at times, but its horns do look a little too bouncy at times.  You're not bone- you're foam rubber, aren't you?!?  I'll take Practical Effects how and when I can get them though.  The whole Story is just plain silly.  The majority of the Cast is just underdeveloped killer fare.  For example, the Bar Owner is killed and is blood splashes over his cheerful Sign.  It's funny because death isn't pleasant!  He was torn to pieces and that sure isn't fun!  Without SPOILing too much, the Film takes an oddly-somber tone for what it is and ends kind of suddenly.  Way to leave me...confused.  Oh well- still better than Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood.  It is also good to know that the obsession with Gold has rubbed off on one of its Stars...

Not the worst you've ever seen, but not really that great either.  It is pretty sub-par stuff overall.

3,000th Post Celebration: Mom & Dad (1945)

This is the only Color you're going to get, so enjoy!  It is Post #3,000 time...

How can you impact so many and make so much money...but nobody remembers you?  Today's Film is Mom and Dad, a 1945 PSA-style Film.  The message: Sex Education is important.  Somehow that is *still* a problem today- thanks alot, William Beaudine!  Yes, this comes to us from the 'famed' Director of such Films as Billy the Kid vs. Dracula and Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter.  It is sad that we never got to see the third part in the Series- Wyatt Earp vs. The Wolfman.  Get on that, Asylum!  In any case, there is a reason to feature some random Film from the 1940s for this occasion.  The Film- while largely unknown today- played on the Roadhouse Market for over 20 years!  Star Wars was in Theaters for about one, but this one lasted two Decades!  The Film is one of the most successful Films from the 1940s, 50s and 60s!  So how did this happen?  Well, the Film tells the Story of a girl who meets a mysterious boy at a party.  Things happen and suddenly her lack of sex education becomes key.  Will things work out?  To find out, read on...

The Film proper (more on that later) begins with some narration telling you about how kids aren't the problem- STDs are!

In Pleasantville (not really), a prudish woman raises a young girl.  She's so much of a prude that people drinking on a Train near her is offensive!

The Daughter goes to a Dance that has such events as a Jitterbug Contest and some Gymnasts performing.  Didn't your Prom have pre-teen contortionists?

She abandons her date- since he's not a mysterious newcomer- and eventually tricks her Parents into letting her date the guy again.  Things happen (when the Film fades to black)...

She later learns that the mysterious boy has died (off-camera) in a plane crash.  She's feeling sick, so what could it be?

Hold that thought though...

****

I hope that helped.

Back in the Story, the Teacher who pushed for Sex Education is fired and becomes an Insurance Salesman.  When our Heroine realizes that she is Pregnant...after about 4 months, her Brother goes to him for help.

This totally-ironic event leads to the Adults finally covering the subject.  As the audience, you get to watch some lovely Educational Shorts along with the Audience.  Meta much?

I'll spare you the actual Screen Caps of what they show you here.  You're welcome.

In the End, our Heroine has her baby and survives.  There are supposedly multiple Endings, but good luck proving that.  The End.

Old-timey crap.  The whole thing is all sorts of maudlin and silly.  It is pretty basic, Soap Opera-style stuff.  The Acting and overall Production is just so-so.  Mind you, this was Directed by William 'One-Shot' Beaudine, so is that a surprise?  The whole point is just to tell a basic Story, so I shouldn't be too picky about that, I suppose.  I nitpick segments from the 1985 Twilight Zone Show, so that is kind of what I do.  The big thing is how the Story works together with the 'educational' material.  Right off the bat, it is funny to see the part where the Film stops for a Doctor to tell Parents about Sex Education.  Oh yeah, there is no Elliot Forbes, by the way.  He's just as much of a Character as the Mother or the Girl.  The difference- he was a series of Actors designed to sell pamphlets at Roadshow Screenings.  If they were actually designed to help, I guess I can live with the crass commercialism and lying.  Plus, Elliot Forbes is famous for being attached to the Film, so it is a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy.  The parts where you just see Short Films in the last 20 minutes is all sorts of weird and forced.  What I'm saying is that so much of this Film made 71 years ago seems odd to me today.  Alert the Media!  Mom & Dad is a weird bit of Pop Culture History that still stands out today, if only for the oddest of reasons.  Considering that getting Sex Education taught in Schools is still a problem (albeit a smaller one), I guess it still has its place.  It also opens the way all American Films should...

Next up, there is a danger in the Woods greater than Bigfoot or Aliens!  In this case, it is Direct-to-Video Horror from the 2000s!  Stay tuned...

International 80s Trash: Cemetery of Terror (1985)

Viva los crap!  Pardon my terrible, partial Spanish, but I'm reviewing a Mexican Film.  I can't be bothered to use full Spanish, however, since the Film was shot in Texas.  Today's Film is Cemetery of Terror aka Zombie Apocalypse, a 1985 Horror Film by the maker of, well, Cemetery of Terror.  Yes, he made more Films, but...I haven't seen any of them.  This is not to be confused with the Films Zombie Apocalypse OR The Zombie Apocalypse.  Instead, this is an odd mish-mash of Halloween, Silent Rage, The Evil Dead, CHUD II and a bunch of other Films.  Yes, even though that last Film was made later, I'm still including it.  When a vicious killer is killed, he finds a second life as a Zombie.  That would explain Michael Meyers being inexplicably-immortal in the first Halloween, wouldn't it?  Don't even get me started on that Cult of Thorn crap!  Is this even close to being as good as one of those Films?  Well, maybe Halloween: Resurrection, but that's a low bar.  To find out, read on...

In the opening Scene, an unseen killer attacks a woman in a Hotel.  He is killed by the Police.

Somehow, this gets the attention of Hugo Stiglitz (the Actor, not the Character) who was his Therapist.  He wants them to make sure that the body is cremated.

At the same time, we have Horror Cliche #26- a group of young people going to party in a Haunted House.  What could go wrong?

Unfortunately, some youths decide to steal his body...for some reason.  What a...prank?

Get this- these kids go out on Halloween and to a Cemetery.  They stop a random person in a Van and get a ride from them!

The actual killer may be the least of your concern, kids!

The same jerks who steal the body then proceed to do a Ceremony to revive the dead via a Book clearly based on the Necronomicon.  I have to ask- why?  Seriously, why do you do that, even as a 'joke?'

This revives the Killer, who proceeds to wipe out all of the 'teens' at the 'Haunted' House in Friday the 13th-like fashion.  We even get to hear a kind-of, sort-of Version of the Voorhees' Theme!

In Plot B (since Plot A is now just corpses), the kids at the Cemetery are attacked by Zombies.  Accidental Satanism, Immortal Killers, Resurrection and now Zombies?  Yeesh.

To both create and kill the Drama, they build Act 3 all about the kids in peril, with Stiglitz tagging along.

Yeah, even Mexican Horror Films won't dare kill the kids!

The Book is seemingly-destroyed and the evil ended...until the Thriller-like finale that literally everyone will have seen coming.  The End.

Damn silly.  Damn ridiculous.  Damn stupid.  That said, it can be kind of fun in an over-the-top way.  This Film rips off/is inspired by a host of Films that are hard to miss.  Their killer- a mix of Jason Voorhees (still a young killer in 1985) and Michael Meyers (stuck in Film Limbo in 1985).  Their evil book- The Evil Dead's Necronomicon.  Their Zombies- well, I can't narrow that down to one Film, can I?  The whole thing is just big, broad and ridiculous.  If you like that kind of stuff, it will work for you.  It isn't completely derivative, but just mostly.  It is what you expect out of Foreign Horror from the 1980s though, so no surprises there.  I'll leave you with a shot of a man who didn't realize that he was in a Horror Film.  He's easy to spot in the group...

Next up, Mondo Bizarro (Cinema) celebrates 3,000 Posts!  To do so, let's go back to look at the most successful Film you've never heard of.  Stay tuned...