1,900th Post Celebration: The Amazing Bulk

This shit is real and it is glorious!  To celebrate another post milestone, I needed something special.  As it turns out, I found something that certainly qualifies!  That film- The Amazing Bulk!  Just let that title soak for a while- really take it in.  Someone seems to have made an Incredible Hulk rip-off and took the descriptor from Marvel's Spider-Man to cover it up.  That's some extra-special logic!  This comes to us from the Director of Aliens vs. Avatars and Aliens vs. Titanic- bonus!  The plot is simply awful...but that's its charm.  Mind you, it's ME saying that, so your results and opinions may differ.  The best/worst part: the whole movie was shot in front of a green screen.  This is more like The Spirit than Sin City.  To see just a hint of how ridiculous and terrible this movie is, read on...

The film begins In Media Res because...um, I don't know.  Regardless, it gives you a fair warning of what this film has to offer.

The Bulk kills this mugger, but only after he kills a Hooker (credited as Hooker).  Way to rush into action, Bulk!

This silly F/X shot is extra bad, since the gun changes make for this single shot.  I guess Windows Movie Maker didn't have a pistol firing animation.

Our hero is a Scientist who is working on a formula to improve human DNA.  It would help if he had an actual lab and not this cheap background, I suppose.

Oh and get used to that face.  Get really used to it.

The biggest problem with/best part of this film is the green screen stuff.  My working theory is that the guy who did Editing and Post-Production just hated everyone.  That's the only explanation for the stuff like the South Park background.

The villain is Dr. Kantlove- a more annoying version of Newman- and he likes to blow up monuments since he can't have sex with his blond girlfriend.  No, really.

Hi, Background Monkey!

After the film returns to narrative order, our hero is confronted by these Cops...with a couch for their seats.

I won't SPOIL what happens next, but it is amazingly-bad.  It's some glorious crap that is the film's second-biggest selling point.

In a bid to gain a cure for his *giggle* disorder, our hero works for the government to take out the evil Doctor.  Just to note: he's unaware of any of the monuments being blown up.  How is that possible?

Play the Amazing Bulk Drinking Game: Take a shot every time the Bulk changes size.

After taking out the villain (I won't SPOIL how), he is double-crossed.  You can't trust the guy who was obviously-lying?  Get out!

This leads to the film's true highlight: the Bulk running past a series of random GIFs and backgrounds.  A single image doesn't do this justice!

Our hero has one last confrontation with the General- who is also the father of his girlfriend- that is so dramatic that both of them turn into bad CGI sprites!

Being the stupid film that is, we need one last silly shot to end it all.  I won't SPOIL the context, because you NEED to see this movie!  The End.

I love this movie!  Granted- most of you will probably hate it.  It's okay- I know that I have a sickness and I have made peace.  I mean, who else would pay $2.99 for a copy of The Corpse Grinders II?  If you had a good laugh at the sights of this film that I showed you, you will probably get a laugh out of the actual film too.  Even I will grant that some jokes go on way too long- the objects enacting sex bit- and were never that funny to begin with.  That said, those have a certain ironic charm- provided that you can pretend that the filmmaker was being satirical.  He obviously wasn't, of course, but let's pretend.  The biggest aspect of the film to mock/enjoy are the terrible CGI backgrounds.  If these were meant to be taken seriously, they failed miserably.  If the guy they (under)paid to do the Effects was just being a dick, that would explain a lot.  To be fair, the Director did approve the final cut, so the mystery deepens.  This movie is terrible- plain and simple.  However, it is so terrible that it makes me laugh.  Two moments come to mind to really sum up the film.  In one moment, Dr. Kantlove makes a Family Guy cutaway gag...for absolutely no reason.  In the other moment, a dramatic scene ends with a monkey popping out of a rocket...on the moon.  No context would help either of these jokes.  I recommend this film for all of the reasons that I shouldn't recommend this film.  It's stupid, badly-made and just constantly fails at everything.  For doing it with such (silly) style, I salute you, The Amazing Bulk.

Up next, the official subject of this week: The Amityville Horror.  First up, the original film that started (the crap that was) it all.  Stay tuned...

Steven Seagal Week 2: Paint by the Numbers Seagal Film

Rather than covering Driven to Kill- trust me, it will get its due- I'd like to show you just how similar these films tend to be.  It's the first Choose Your Own Movie Plot...

Steven Seagal is sent on a mission because he is...
1. A Secret Agent
2. A Secret Agent
3. A Secret Agent
4. A Secret Agent
5. A Secret Agent

He has a very important mission.  He must...
1. Save a loved one (Belly of the Beast)
2. Stop some criminal scum (Into the Sun)
3. Rescue some military men/tech (Submerged/Flight of Fury)
4. Stop terrorists (The Foreigner/Black Dawn/Half Past Dead)
5. Stop vampires that may not be vampires (Attack Force/Against the Dark)

In order to succeed, he must join forces with...
1. A rapper (Half Past Dead/Exit Wounds/Today You Die)
2. A saucy Latina (Submerged/Flight of Fury)
3. An ethnic stand-by (Belly of the Beast/Into the Sun/Submerged/Against the Dark)
4. A black actor who doesn't rap (Under Siege 2/The Glimmer Man)
5. A tough lady (Shadow Man/Black Dawn)

They must stop the enemies as they...
1. Engage in pointless gun fights
2. Engage in pointless gun fights
3. Do a wire fight (Belly of the Beast)
4. Engage in pointless gun fights
5. Engage in pointless gun fights

In the end, they will win the day thanks to...
1. Seagal's awesomeness
2. Seagal's awesomeness and kung-fu skills
3. Seagal's awesomeness and use of his double.
4. Seagal's ability to predict what people will do before they act.
5. All of the above.

So that's a Seagal film in a nutshell.  If you catch any of the DTV Seagal film that I haven't done yet (Driven to Kill, The Keeper, Kill Switch), let me know if I missed any obvious tropes.

Next up, my 1,900th post.  If you think I've wasted my free time so far, you haven't seen anything yet!  Stay tuned...

Steven Seagal Week 2: Flight of Fury

It's on thing to be criminally-bad, but it's another thing to actually be criminal!  Today's film is Flight of Fury, a pretty innocuous Seagal film...on the surface.  The plot involves Seagal as a Secret Agent- naturally- who must recover a stolen Stealth Jet from terrorists who plan to use it for no good.  It sounds like nothing bad...until you know the whole story.  If you're a bigger nerd than me, you may already know this, so don't SPOIL it for the rest of the class.  To find out what this story is (since I'm a giant tease), read on...

Seagal- like in Black Dawn- has to get out prison for his mission.  In this one, however, he's locked up for mysterious reasons and escapes.

In some major bullshit, he somehow dodges the cameras and moves from the bottom of the truck to the roof...with nobody noticing.

The plane is stolen after some high-flying action...that appears to be older than most of the graduating class of 2012.  Confused?

Seagal makes use of his freedom by breaking up a convenience store robbery, complete with him somehow sliding over a dozen feed on his side.  That's how you get Seagal to do action scenes- you let him lay down!

Oh and this cliche scene appears in a dozen action films ranging from Cobra to Best of the Best 4!

Seagal is called in...for some reason to recover the plane.  Did I mention that he can fly a fighter jet?  Well, he can.  Nice shadows too, right?

Call in more military stock footage!  Who cares if it looks anything like the quality of the actual film?!?

In a completely random scene , the woman hiding Seagal seduces the female Lieutenant looking for him...for about two minutes.  On the plus side, it's shot so darkly that I don't really have to blur it out.

As Seagal swings into action, I think it's time to reveal the big secret...

This is a remake of a film called Black Thunder.  It's not listed as such and in fact Seagal has a Co-Writing Credit.  Oh and that grainy footage: that's from Thunder.

You know when you're truly a sad sack of an Actor?  When the Director is shooting scenes specifically to cover up how you don't do ADR.  Kudos!

The finale uses some new CG effects, which totally matches with the stock footage from earlier.  On the plus side, Seagal doesn't have to fake fight for the finale.  The End.

The real crime is that Seagal is still making movies.  In all seriousness, I'm amazed that the folks behind this film didn't get sued.  Did the film somehow become Public Domain?  Did they own the rights and just not feel like making a new film?  Regardless, it's artistic theft and it's pretty damn sad.  If you can get past this trespass, the film has some decent moments of action/shooting.  That said, there's a lot of weird filler to it.  For example, the Convenience Store Scene is just kind of...there.  The whole random Lesbian Sub-Plot also comes the hell out of nowhere and amounts to nothing.  Further compiling this fact are the constant mistakes and miscues.  The CG missiles don't match the 1988 footage, crew are visible in shots and one grenade blows up with the safety pin still in it.  Seriously, this is a really easy thing to do right...but they don't.  If you like Direct-to-Video schlock, you can enjoy this one.  The constant use of 1988 footage makes what would be boring shots of the sky unintentionally-hilarious.  Take us away, Director of Black Thunder's only credit here (buried in the Special Thanks To section)...

Next up, a special review of Seagal films in general.  Can you blame me for only wanting to watch four in one week?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Tourist Trap

Where random people are dying for no good reason, Poor Bastards of Cinema will be there.

In Tourist Trap, some random people get captured/attacked by a crazy farmer.  In his dungeon, he also has another victim...who was not established before.

The reason she's here is to die.  Apparently, they couldn't do the 'smother your face with plaster and make your heart give out' routine with them.

So yeah, she's apparently dead.  I guess the Tingler showed up to kill her when the plaster went over her face.

Like I said, this character has no introduction.  She just appears as a captured victim and gets killed in her one scene.  Tanya Roberts didn't want to get plaster on her face?  What's the deal?

Don't.  Artificially.  Raise.  Your.  Body. Count.  Movies!

Next up, a pair of unfortunate victims from a Seagal film.  No, it's not the audience- this time.  Stay tuned...

Steven Seagal Week 2: Submerged

Are you there, Seagal's voice?  Today's film is Submerged, a movie about Seagal on a submarine.  Well, it worked before!  The downside here is that this is an Anthony Hickox film.  No, don't get me wrong- his Resume is not spotless.  He's become a 'Work-for-Hire' Director a la Lucio Fulci- only he's mostly done Direct-to-Video Action Films.  That said, he's responsible for Waxwork, Waxwork II, Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat and Warlock: The Armageddon.  Basically, if you judge his career solely on his work between 1988 and 1993, he's fucking awesome!  Regardless, he's done a Seagal film.  It happens to the good Directors- i.e. Siu-Tung Ching- every once in a while.  So what is the film about?  Well, the plot involves an evil Doctor, mind-controlled marines and a submarine...kind of.  The film's title and marketing are a bit misleading...which I will get into further down.  What you need to know is that Seagal's old tricks are in play, but the Direction is good.  Can the good outweigh the bad?  To find out, read on...

Somewhere in Paraguay, a U.S. Drone is watching a military base.  In Argentina, the U.S. Ambassador is watching the feed.  With the flick of a switch, an evil Doctor activates his mind-controlled men to kill everyone- including themselves.

Joy.

Gary Daniels is here, playing the lead mind-controlled Marine.  He's captured after the opening and left behind as a Trojan Horse.  Who can save him?

Naturally, it's Seagal, seemingly re-using his attire from Half Past Dead, who was locked up for doing something wrong.

Nah, just kidding.  It was all political...since Seagal characters have all of the nuance of plain white paper!

He assembles his team- which is only notable for including a spicy Latina and Vinnie Jones- and they rescue the Marines.

The best part- he knows that one guy is a double-agent...based on a scene that's not shown.  He's right- since it's Seagal- but could you have bothered to show us this at all?!?!?

The Marines break out and kill a few of Seagal's less-interesting men before building up to a Gary Daniels/Steven Seagal face-off.  This should be...over in one minute and be one-sided.

According to Gary Daniels, the fight scene was re-choreographed by Seagal on the day of shooting.  Who's surprised?  Nobody?

At 49 minutes into this 90 minute film (with Credits), the Submarine is blown up by an Aircraft carrier.  Barely halfway through the film and the key set-piece is abandoned.  Ugh.

Remember when Texas Chainsaw Massacre took place in Washington, D.C. for the second half?  No, of course you don't!

The rest of the film takes place in Paraguay- with Argentian flags visible- and the team takes out most of the bad guys.

I should mention that the bad guys are actually three people- a C.I.A. Agent, a Businessman and the Doctor- and they work against each other.  Confused much?

 Naturally, Seagal wins the day, but loses Vinnie Jones in the process.  It's also important to note that Seagal takes out a random black guard before the main villain.  Who was that guy?  Why was he important?

The best part: Seagal kicking the Agent fifteen feet backwards through glass.  Even for you, that's silly!

 Since we have to have sequel-bait, we do.  Given that the person controlling the drones is dead, I don't see the suspense here.  The End.

Seagal's voice is not the only thing missing in action here.  With so much crap going on, I didn't really address the ADR issue here.  Roughly 1/3 of the Seagal's dialogue is done by someone else.  All I can figure is that this had to do with the Seagal/Millennium Films issue.  While he's already proven himself to be a lazy ass, it's somewhat easy to see why he might back out of going into an Audio Booth.  The good part- the Direction.  It may sound like I'm just trying to defend the Director, but he does do a good job.  The movie has a good style to it...which is only ruined a bit by its star and his quirks.  It would be nice to see a Hickox film of a similar style with a star who can actually do shit on screen.  It's basically my same complaint from Belly of the Beast, in other words.  The film has so much promise and could have actually been good.  The idea of mind-controlled drones battling a group of military men could be great.  Hell, they have good people in it like Daniels- who just gets shit roles general- and Jones.  Is there a way to re-Edit the film around Seagal?  In the meantime, enjoy this film for its promise and see how Seagal's fat ass smothers it.  More shadows, dammit!

Next up, Seagal works to rescue a plane.  What he can't rescue, however, is all of the stock footage they stole in the first place!  Stay tuned...

Seagal Week 2: The Foreigner- Black Dawn

Are you ready for the film that even Seagal gave up on making?  Today's film is Black Dawn aka The Foreigner 2: Black Dawn.  It's a consistency issue between IMDB and the actual DVD, but I can see both sides of it.  Basically, Seagal is the same character from The Foreigner...but that's about it.  Other than using a random action scene (more on that later) from that film, it doesn't relate at all.  So Seagal is the same Agent and he works undercover with some criminals...to a degree that seems a bit much.  It's actually a plot point...but Seagal is the star, so it amounts to nothing.  There is one thing seriously wrong with this movie due to its omission, but I'm choosing to leave you in the dark for a little while longer.  To find out why it's always blackest at the dawn, read on...

Seagal sneaks into a Prison (thanks to some very minor deception) and slips out a prisoner...with some major ease.  Prisons are Seagal's bitch!

As it turns out, he's a crime lord that hired Seagal...while not knowing who he is at first.  Yeah, that makes sense...in a Seagal film.

This woman is investigating the bad guys and recognizes Seagal's character, since he was her mentor.  Translation: he's the reason that she's 'good.'  Glad we could establish that.

The whole 'undercover' thing falls apart quickly and leads to an action scene right out of Terminator 3.  Aiming for the most critically-acclaimed films to copy, huh?

After the truck crashes, we have to wonder how Seagal got out without us seeing it.  The answer- teleportation.

Seriously, they don't even show his double jumping to safety.  We see the woman do it though.

If you thought that Seagal fight scenes were awkwardly-edited before, you haven't seen anything yet.  Try to make sense of what happens in this still shot.

Here's the thing: Seagal left the set 18 days into a 30-day shooting schedule.  Therefore, he didn't film his fight scenes...more than usual.

Skipping ahead, the terrorists get a hold of a bomb and prepare to set it off.  As it turns out, the Scooby-Doo Rule comes into play, making the only other recognizable Actor- Character Actor Timothy Carhart- turn out to be the villain.  Joy.

Since this film was finished without its star, he's taken out with ease, but he does set the timer off.

To close out the absurdity, they drop the bomb in the Ocean- bye bye fish- and fly away.  That's right- EMPs don't exist in this Seagal-verse.  The End.

Even without Seagal in it all that much, the film sucks.  To begin with, all of the usual crap is here.  There's a bit of voice dubbing (still no ADR, Seagal?), lots of shadows and one instance of his double.  That trope is lessened, since Seagal left the production before any of the real fights could be shot.  So, in a weird way, a major gaffe makes for one less minor one- yea?  Supposedly this has to do with money issues between him and Avi Lerner, the Producer and Owner of Nu Image/Millennium Films.  It's so sad to see shitty actors refusing to get along with the Producer of shitty movies, isn't it?  I kid, I kid.  Without him around to 'do action scenes,' the movie has to be content with just crappy shoot-outs.  Shoot-outs in Seagal films are the worst things, since the drama is pretty much non-existent in them.  So, without the fight scenes, you have the worst action scenes from Seagal and a stupid, stupid plot.  The whole thing is about Seagal helping terrorists get a bomb b/c he works for a super-secret spy agency...and he really has no good plan to stop them.  Seriously, he lets them get the bomb and...that's about as far as his plan goes.  You're a terrible spy.  If you like to laugh at the bad Seagal films, you're better off with other films.  Aside from the bomb silliness, it's just stupid fluff.  Isn't that right, bad green screen effect?

Next up, Seagal on a sub.  Unfortunately, this film also involves a Director I like...so I may have to lash out at the ones I love.  Stay tuned...

Because I Watched It: Crazy Cartoons

I meant to get this up last week.  I didn't.  There you go.

This is a favorite clip of mine that *completely* slipped my mind earlier.  It's a great bit of low-key animation that tells a great- albeit insane- story.  This is why YouTube is great!

I needed a second short to go with this one.  What is appropriately strange enough?

How about an Anti-Drinking PSA...from Tiny Toon Adventures!  Yes, this is a real thing!!!

I'll give you all a few moments to process all of that.

Next up, I'm going to treat you to some old-school horror films courtesy of YouTube.  Thanks, Public Domain!  Stay tuned...

Seagal Week 2: The Foreigner

Ah, the familiar crap has returned.  Today's film is The Foreigner, the first Direct-to-DVD film Seagal appeared in after his failure to reignite his career.  Sorry, Ticker and Half Past Dead.  To note, it's not his first Direct-to-DVD film- that's 1998's The Patriot- but only I'm anal retentive enough to care about that detail.  So what is this film about?  Well, stop me if you've heard this one before, Seagal is a Secret Agent in Europe who has to stop some terrorists.  Shocking!  To be fair, it's a less overt terrorist threat than say Al Qeada, but my point is still the same.  All of the usual crap is here, whether it's Seagal's use of doubles, voice dubbing (since he doesn't do ADR like ever) and constant use of shadows.  It's like visiting an old friend...who you kind of hate.  To find out why this is a great example of what was to come, read on...

Seagal is in shadows right off of the bat.  He works for some guy in France- note how he's never near any major landmarks- and has *sigh* one last job to do before he quits.  This one will end smoothly!

 If you want to sum up the problems with Seagal's films post-1997, this image sums it up well.  I mean, just look at that!  Do a fucking sit-up, man!!!

To sum it all up in one moment Highlander 2-style, here's Seagal's double doing the challenging work of...walking out of a building.  Not just anyone could do that, you know!

Basically, Seagal is given a parcel, but will only turn it over to the man he was assigned to.  Before that, he has to investigate the guy.  Why he cares now is anyone's guess.

It make this black guy- who works for the man- mad in one of the only times that Seagal is ever 'taken out' on film.  Kudos, Pointless Black Side Character!

He's pointless b/c Seagal tricks him into opening a fake package that contains an explosive, which blows up the entire Train Station...

...I mean, it makes a little smoke.  Don't buy stock footage of an explosion (you know it is) if you can't make your footage match it!

As it turns out, the package contained evidence that the man who the parcel was involved in some terrorist attack (see- I told you) and he wants to be rid of it.  Holy Inside Man, Batman!

By the way, the guy just kind of gets away with it.  Seagal doesn't kill him or anything.

Oh and the pictures are from a real plane accident.  Classy, movie.

Seagal's sidekick- who's been killing random people since the beginning- is the 'Final Boss' here.  He goes down like a piece of lint.

With all of the drama gone, Seagal's character rides away in a comically-small boat, never to be seen again...until the sequel.  The End.

Future crap such as this will affect his films in the future.  The film, to begin with, is not really all that good.  Seagal is given a job, faces a single hurdle and immediately abandons it.  It's literally his last job for this guy...but he still backs out.  Never mind that the boss is killed by the half-hour mark, rendering the whole idea pretty pointless!  The rest of the film is Seagal stalking the wife, getting in random action scenes (mostly shooting) and eventually killing his former ally.  Speaking of that guy, what is his motivation?  He betrays Seagal, kills the boss (who wanted him to do so), tries to kill Seagal and eventually...tries to kill him later.  In between that confusing bit of story, he kills a Maid for no reason, kills a guy who's car he's stealing for no reason and survives a three story fall backwards after being shot...because he had a vest on.  Bull and shit, movie!  As for Seagal, he mostly just acts like a dick who always 'knows that he's right.'  Since he's Seagal, he always is...but the point is still the same.  There's no growth, no improvement- nothing.  Like everything else in his films, he just kind of goes through the motion.  The film does have some hilarious moments, be it Seagal killing someone with an exploding CD (which blows up twice and at two different locations), some hilarious physics and possibly the worst Photoshop-ped pictures this side of Highlander III or Boogeyman III...

Next up, the sequel called Black Dawn.  This is the film that suffered from Seagal's issue with Millennium films- let's see how that plays out!  Stay tuned...