WTF Japan?!?: Snake Woman's Curse

All hiss, no bite.  Today's film is Snake Woman's Curse, a Japanese import film from Toei Inc.  The film is one of those that they really don't make anymore- a Period Piece Horror Film.  Aside from movies that usually feature throwaway aspects setting a time- see The Box-, these really aren't common in the slightest.  To be fair, the decision to set this in Feudal Japan was probably a money one, as I imagine that they had sets/sound stages that they were already using for Samurai films to begin with.  Even so, it gives the film a unique look and feel when compared to modern horror movies set in cities and such.  The only problem- this movie is 98% build-up.  It's got great atmosphere, interesting characters and a neat look...but that only goes so far.  That said, I'm sure that a lot of you will still like it, especially for the facts that I just mentioned.  To find out how you'll feel, read on...

In a dark, feudal time, an old man dies in debt.  The land owner shows up at the funeral...to kick them out of their home.  Ow.

He makes up for it by offering to let them work in his house.  Did I say 'let'- I meant 'forces them to.'  My bad.

At least the job is nice.  I mean, it's forced labor, but it's not like they're being beaten and attacked by the owner's son.  Oh wait- both of those things happen.

The movie does a great job of making the rich people look like annoying assholes.  Points to you, movie.

The mother/widow is beaten after protecting a snake.  Apparently, snakes are bad luck.

Mind you, this whole thing happens b/c they kill her *for* protecting the snake, so it's kind of a Catch-22 situation.

Sure enough, the ghost of the Mother and Father begin to haunt the Estate.  They don't do a whole lot though...so yea.

Eventually, the daughter dies and uses her 'vengeful ghost powers' to make the son think that his wife is a snake woman- hence the title.  He kills her and later dies himself.

The father takes it well, especially when he continues to see ghosts.  He has a big freak out, fires everyone and eventually dies when he makes boxes fall on himself.

The ghosts celebrate by walking into Heaven, but only after this neat, old-school effect.  The End.

Damn, you really took your time, movie!  Don't get me wrong- it's not a bad movie.  The problem I had was that it was just a lot of build-up to not a lot of pay-off.  It's all about the setting, as opposed to moving the story forward.  There are a lot of people who like that kind of movie; me- not so much.  Aside from that, the movie has good Acting, good Set Design and seems well put-together.  I even liked the old-school effects, be them make-up related or otherwise.  If you like movies that are all about atmosphere and not so much about the plot, you'll love this import gem.  It does leave me with one lingering question- Is this Widescreen enough for you?

Next up, a Mondo Macabro release from Spain with an infamous 'S' rating.  It's like a rip-off movie...of like six different films.  Stay tuned...

Naschy Time: Vengeance of the Zombies

Has it been long enough for me to make undead jokes about Paul Naschy?  Today's film is part of the Spanish Horror Collection and is Vengeance of the Zombies.  It's an interesting movie, to say the least.  I can't exactly explain the plot all that much, but it is neat to look at.  I'll do my best to highlight for you the great visuals and moments from the film...even If I still can't make a whole lot of sense of it.  It doesn't hurt that the film is introduced by Naschy himself- gold.  It's a little creepy, sure, but Naschy was kind of going for that when he was actually alive too.  As you may have guessed, this film is about Zombies.  It's also about Indian mysticism, ritual murder and a shit ton of goofy masks.  To find out what little I could decipher about this film, read on...

Some random people try to rob a crypt and get killed by a zombie...in white make-up.  I'm having Living Dead Girl (and Revenge of the Living Dead Girls) flashbacks!

Paul Naschy- in his first role- is playing an Indian Mystic.  Um..okay.

On the plus side, this version of The Love Guru is much more entertaining!

A good chunk of the film involves a man in different makes like the one below killing people...for no clear reason.  They kind of explain it later, but it's still weird.

The villain- who is still a mystery at this point-  has a slew of henchmen, including this Amos & Andy guy and...zombie Groucho Marx.  It's the true culmination of the sidekick from Dylan Dog.

I'll give you a minute to Google Search that joke.  I'll wait.

Paul Naschy's second role- playing Satan..or something.  This shot doesn't quite do the Goat Horns justice either.

As it turns out, the villain is...also Paul Naschy, but with a messed-up face.

It looks like he was burned by the Undertaker and shot in the face by Reese Witherspoon circa Freeway.  Not a good combination.

Here's a fight on par with Paul Naschy fighting a man in a Knight outfit.  Paul vs. Racist Stereotype Man...in a pitchfork duel.  That's...unique.

It all comes down to a ritual showdown between Paul Naschy and...Paul Naschy (with make-up scars).  Here's the weird part...

Good Naschy dies.  He doesn't even stop the villain- a different villain does.  She, in turn, is killed by the Police.

Seriously, Paul plays three roles- two of him 'die like a bitch' before the Cops save the day.  Weird.  The End.

There's no stopping the insanity!  Say what you will about Paul Naschy films, but they're usually fun.  Even when his films are more serious in tone, there's some bit of insanity to talk about.  You have the highly-elaborate revenge scheme from Panic Beats or the bizarre mental-manipulation sub-plot from Fury of the Wolfman, for example.  This film is pretty much all of those moments.  Don't get me wrong- there is a plot here.  It's just a bit hard to follow/care about too much with all of the crazy visuals, Naschy's dual roles and Naschy playing Indian.  I know that big actors- see Ben Kingsley in Gandhi- can do this, but...it's weird.  The movie's plot is hard to follow, but it's not really that bad either.  If you can accept the insanity, you'll see that this film is a mix of a Voodoo Film and a Giallo.  Besides, what other film features a man being stabbed to death with a beer can?

Next up, a period-piece horror film from Japan.  If you're afraid of snakes and love atmosphere, you're in luck!  Stay tuned...

Because I Watched It: Mondo Macabro's Promo Reel (w/ Bonus)

Even if I end up hating the movie, this video always makes a Mondo Macabro DVD worth a rental.

This is not the most current Promo Reel, but it does contain some of the best ones.  To note: this video is SFW, since it's YouTube censored.

That song will never EVER leave your head.  You're welcome.

As a bonus, the trailer to Hell's Ground, a film I reviewed a while back.  It's also a Mondo Macabro release and features the lead from Pakistani Dracula to boot!

As always, I'm open to more suggestions for this segment.  Got a video?  Suggest it and I'll see what happens.

Turkish Delight: Rampage aka Turkish Rambo

Thank you, Internet.  Today's film is Rampage, alternately-known as Turkish Rambo.  It's a funnier title, so let's stick with it.  It was made in the '80s and tried to emulate the Rambo films.  It's not an exact copy, but there's enough there to justify the joke title.  The lead- Serdar- is pretty much just here to flex and not emote.  The film is brought to you by Cetin Inanc, the man who also made Turkish Star Wars- a classic of fun crap cinema.  The actual DVD, however, is brought to you by Ed Glaser, a guy with a plan, the ability to manufacture DVDs and that knows someone who speaks Turkish.  I've gotten movies under sillier pretenses, so why not?  This film's plot is a bit hard to nail down, especially as it gets closer to the Third Act and just blatantly cheats.  To find out more about this unearthed 'gem' from Turkey, read on...

After a bit of driving, some guy is kidnapped by bandits.  Two of the men behind the attack are wounded and captured.

Our emotionless hero is hired to break into the gang and rescue the guy.  As long as the job requires flexing and no emoting, he's their man!

The villain is a Bandit King who's face appears to be slowly melting.  I'd be evil if that was happening to me too.  Sorry, Turkish John Carradine!

There's a female character here.  Her role is to whimper and just generally doing nothing.  It's only in death that she serves a freaking point!

For rescuing the men from the Police, our hero is tortured.  Kind of a weirdly-evil boss, right?

Watch this scene to see the wonky Editing too.  It alternates between the shot below, him surrounding by dry rocks, random close-ups and back again.  It's...odd.

Why did they hire Serdar again?  Oh right- never mind.

Our hero goes off on a mission...for the guy who just tortured him and suits up.  He gets the colors 'wrong,' but you get points for trying.  You get double points for the goofy fighting.

Hey, this guy is in the movie.  He has no purpose and only appears in this one scene.  What.  The.  Hell?!?

Speaking of random, the final battle breaks out when Serdar brings the target back...who immediately says that he's a Cop...and so is the hostage.  Shooting time!

To make things even goofier, Serdar gets an RPG Launcher from a Thug.  He literally finds ammo lying on the ground all over the place.  What is this, Charlton Heston's compound?!?

The entire film is worth it for the hilarious RPG launching effect (accentuated by a THOOMP sound added by Glaser).  On top of that, the weapon blows up five feet from people...and then they die from the burns.  No, really.

With this silly weapon, our hero wins the day and just kind of leaves.  The End.

Thank you, Ed Glaser!  This movie is crap, but for all the reasons that make it hilarious.  The production values of nil, the script is silly and the movie just comes off as goofy.  It's too complicated for its own good...and then turns really silly.  Seriously, how does the guy that Serdar brought back to the bad guy know that he's undercover?  Not once does he say anything about it in front of the guy...so what the hell?  Maybe the guy didn't know it- he just said it to get the guy killed.  Dick.  Aside from that, Serdar has the range of a discus thrown by Stephen Hawking.  He just kind of makes sad faces during dramatic scenes and goes as blank as Lance Storm every other time in the movie.  He's very similar in that regard to Alexander Nevsky from Moscow Heat.  To be fair, this movie is Dubbed, somewhat for comic effect.  The movie is still pretty incompetent in an amusing way and I highly recommend it.  To get the film (and other works actually made by Ed Glaser), go here.  I highly-recommend it, silly fall and all.

Next up, I return to Paul Naschy territory with a film in which he plays three roles.  The story involves voodoo, soap opera plot twists and...Groucho Marx?  Stay tuned...

Labor Dei: God Bless America

Happy Work-mas, everyone!  It's Labor Day, so that means that I have to stop working...on normal updates and do this special one.  Yes, I get extra work on Labor Day- joy.  Today's film is one that kind of sneaked under most people's radars.  It didn't do it on mine...but it was unavailable for me to do on July 4th. Might as well do it now, I guess.  The film is a dark, dark, dark comedy by Bobcat Goldthwait, a former Comic/Actor who is specializing in those recently.  If you didn't see World's Greatest Dad, you should.  It's uneven, but turns the idea of family movies on their head in a great way.  God Bless America is Bobcat's way of saying that Pop Culture can be annoying and could drive someone insane.  It makes sense to me.  Quick side note: this is also the subject of a Robot Chicken short from about four years ago.  Regardless, this is actually a pretty neat movie and I don't want to SPOIL it too much.  Review-in-Pictures time!  To see how funny murder can be, read on...

A man- one of Murray brothers- is fed up with his life.  He's divorced, lives alone and...now has a brain tumor.  He also got fired from his job- bonus.

With his life in shambles, he decides to...kill a reality star.  Seems logical to me.

*****

 *****

Oddly, he finds a partner in crime.  Her reasonings are interesting.  Even more interesting is her willingness to kill people for talking in a movie theater and killing pop culture analogs like the one you see below.

The alliance of youth and middle-age leads to many deaths.  He has big plans on his own, however, and he gets some serious heat.  Will a live broadcast of a TV show give him the audience he's desired?

To find out, watch the movie.  The End.

 *****

 *****

This movie is great, provided that you can laugh at death.  This movie is dark and acerbic.  It's full of killing, preachy monologues and more killing.  That said- I like the message.  I'm not for the killing, obviously, but the film is satirical.  Is killing alright?  Of course not.  Is killing a faux Bill O'Reilly after he bad-mouths you alright?  Hell yes!  The beginning portion of the movie does a great job of building up just how our 'hero' goes from normal guy to murderous vigilante.  As a comedy, it does a good job of building up him being 'bad-ass' and still being new to the whole thing.  The way the first kill plays out is just awesome.  Some people- read: my brother- thinks that it builds up too fast and easily, but I disagree.  The lead actors do a great job at their parts, a sign of good Direction.  To see bad Direction, see The Spirit.  If you're not a fan of Dark Comedies, this movie will not be for you.  If you enjoy those movies, you'll already know that Bobcat Goldthwait is a consistently-solid Director in this field.  I love this movie and think that all of those with an open mind should check it out.

Next up, a movie brought to you by one Internet entrepreneur.  It's a Turkish movie that may seem somewhat familiar.  Stay tuned...

Reflections: Mirror Mirror (2012)

And now for something completely different!  

Today's film is also called Mirror Mirror, but it is not about an evil mirror.  Well, there is a semi-evil mirror here, but that's not all that important.  

This is actually one of TWO movies to do *updated* versions of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  One of them is this movie, while the other is supposed to actually be good.  

Screw that noise then (plus, it's not out on DVD yet)!

(UPDATE: See my take on that one here- MONDO BIZARRO: Fairly Tales: Snow White and the Huntsman (2012))  

This movie walks a weird line, as it is billed as more-Adult version of the tale.  No, not like that, perverts!  The problem is that the other one- with 'Bella Swan'- is really that movie.  It has blood, guts and human sacrifice, plus monsters.  This one...is mostly just Snow White, but with a mildly darker tone. 

 Regardless, it fit the title qualification, so I'm just going to go with it.  

As it's a pretty new film, I'll just give you one of those Reviews-in-Pictures you all love.  Time to read on...

In a weird bit of animation- that could have actually made a whole movie- we see the happy life of the King and daughter.  

He vanishes.

The country goes to crap as the new Queen- Julia Roberts- is in charge.  She dresses fabu-lously!

***

***

The land is also plagued by mysterious bandits.  

It's about as mysterious as why the sky is blue, but it's a mystery nonetheless.

On top of that, Snow White finds out about how bad things are.  

Thankfully, a costume party- with Alice in Wonderland costumes...the hell- with Prince Charming will help soothe the situation.

***

***

Situations turn around and Snow White ends up...battling the Prince.  

That explains why he's so upset...or does it?

Will a random monster bring them back together?  To find out, watch the movie.  The End.

***

***

Well, it's not bad actually.  I wasn't sure what to expect with this movie.  

The fact that it came and went so quick is not a good sign.  

Apparently, it grossed about $160 million with a budget of around $100 million.  

So, it wasn't a flop, but it wasn't exactly lighting the world on fire.  

In contrast, Snow White and the Huntsman grossed around $400 million, which is not too shabby (even with a bigger budget).  This is apparently a Tarsem Singh film, not that it had the visual flourish of Immortals (pretty, but dumb) or The Cell (weird and pretty, but dumb).  

I honestly didn't realize that he Directed the film- I suck at reading Credits, I guess- until I started writing this.  

So why hire Tarsem Singh if he's going to make a pretty average-looking movie?  The only aspect that really looks a Singh movie is the effect of the Queen walking through her Mirror and coming out of a magical lake.  

It's neat, but pointless- classic Singh!  

Speaking of which, the whole Mirror aspect is pretty minimal.  Even the idea behind it- it's an image of the Queen which taunts here- is pretty uninspired.  You couldn't make it her as a child, her as a monster, etc.?  

The big problem is the juxtaposition of reality- the peasants are taxed to near death to fund parties- and fantasy- Dwarves, magic and a monster.  

There's one scene where a man covers up Snow White's death and says that he chopped all of her organs to fill up a paper bag.  Obviously, he didn't, but that's still pretty morbid for kids.  

If you like your Snow White to be decent, but nothing more, see this movie.  

Take us away, silly wigs...

Next up, a week full of random craziness from overseas.  First, however, I have to celebrate another, stupid holiday.  Stay tuned...