Men of 1,000 Voices: Ron Perlman

Voice acting is a simple, yet complicated job. You have to act without seeing another person other than the director/producer. It is just you, a booth and a stool. Now- act! Celebrities can get away with lazy performances because, well, they are celebrities. Aside from those people who go 'ooh, look- it's Jerry Seinfeld as a bee,' aficionados of cartoons will recognize certain people who keep re-appearing. I would like to pay tribute to some of those men and women who can voice talking cartoon bears or aliens with tentacles for a living. Our first subject is...

Ron Perlman

The man has his fingerprints all over the animated DC Comics universe. I mean, just look at who he has played...

Clayface: He played the Batman villain in the 1990's animated show. He later came back for the role for Justice League of America years later. He's also doing it in the upcoming Batman: Arkham Asylum game.
Orion: He also played the son of the villain Darkseid on Superman: The Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited.

Slade: On Teen Titans, he played a renamed version of 'Deathstroke the Terminator.' I guess that name was too scary for tweens. He also played a character in last year's Turok game with the same name, but he is not the same guy.
Jax-Ur: On Superman, he played a version of General Zod in a version of the story from Superman II. The female Kryptonian was played the same lady from the film, by the way.
Bane: He played the Batman villain on the revamped version of the show simply called The Batman (as well as the Arkham Asylum game). He later played another villain called...
Killer Croc: In the villain's inaugural appearance, he played the large, reptilian foe of Batman. He has sports a rare use of an accent. This character was later captured by...
Rumor: Yeah, he voiced this guy too. This character was against all of Batman's foes and the man himself. The Batman got a little confusing, huh?

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Now, after playing all of those DC villains, would you be surprised to learn that he also played...

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Batman: In Justice League: Heroes (a game that would have been great with 4-player co-op), he took over the role of the Dark Knight. He's actually quite good.
The Hulk: He played the green giant on the Fantastic Four cartoon show. On an earlier one, he played a villain called the Wizard. Plus, just for fun, he voiced a Hulk villain called Abomination in the Hulk: Ultimate Destruction game.

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He also played 'Conan' in the titular game, was a character in Wing Commander Academy and even guest-starred on Phantom 2040 (a possible show to cover later). Of course, he is also the narrator in all of the Fallout games- even that crappy one one which is not an RPG.

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So, next time you hear a deep, gravelly voice, it just might be Ron. That or Powers Boothe...or Michael Ironside. I'm sure that I will touch on them more later.

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Coming up next: the man, the myth, the Brown. Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Absolon

This movie is like the Holy Grail of actors that are willing to appear in any random film that you will pay them for. Ron Perlman is an actor I really like who does do good films (all 4 Hellboy films- 2 live and 2 animated), but he has also starred in such crap as Primal Force, where he battles killer baboons. Christopher Lambert was in the original Highlander and Greystoke, but he was also in every other Highlander film as well (save for The Source). As for Lou Diamond Phillips, well, um...he was in La Bamba. Remember that? So what kind of story do you craft around these three 'titans of cinema.' One word...

Absolon

In the year 2010, a horrible virus named N.D.S. has run rampant throughout the land. By the way, you may want to just get vaccinated now, just to be safe. Also, just to note, this movie was made in 2001- way to plan ahead! Back to the story, there is no cure for the disease, only Absolon. The drug, you see, is taken daily to keep people for getting an escalation of symptoms. So people are no longer judged based on their dollar worth- just on how much Absolon that they can afford. With the backdrop firmly established, we get the plot: a mysterious scientist is killed and a detective (Lambert) must take his team and solve it. His group includes a young lady who looks a lot like the female 'Mythbuster' from the TLC show. I just thought that I would share an interesting fact with you since the movie is, well, not all that interesting.

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The plot gets really generic from hereon out- you were warned. A government agent (Phillips) is sent in to investigate the whole thing as well, but appears to have his own agenda. It's alright though, I'm sure he's not a bad guy. I mean, he just wears all black, makes angry faces and talks in cryptic statements. Oh and he reports to an evil industrialist (Perlman), who I'm sure has no ulterior motive as well. Incidentally, Ron's character is really lackadaisical and wears really weird sunglasses for no reason. Faster than you can say 'that is a really obvious twist,' Lambert ends up on the run from *gasp* Phillips, by order of Perlman. I trusted you two! This builds up to my favorite scene: the dramatic leap. Lambert and a lady jump from a bridge and into a moving truck below. Excuse me, that's wrong. Some random kid in Lambert's clothes and the lady jump into a movie truck. Hell, the trailer even shows this!

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Drugs play a big part in this movie: both in the plot and clearly on-set. In one hilarious scene, Lambert is rescued by a resistance movement group and just starts eating. He actually goes and gets more food in the middle of the scene! If you don't get the feeling that the famed actor is high, you need to check your prescription glasses. I would be remiss without mentioning Perlman's performance later in the movie. He does two scenes whilst leaning back in a chair and appearing barely awake. Method acting gone too far- perhaps.

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Absolon's ending is not all that bad, at least the first one. The movie tosses about six-hundred twists at you in the very end. While it works in some films (Equilibrium, for one), it does not work here. Basically, it looks like Lambert has the cure for N.D.S. inside of him and must live. Oh, but that is not good enough. First, we learn that there is another man with it as well (why?!?), but he is killed a little later. Later still we learn that Absolon is the real virus and N.D.S. is all made up. The only thing that saves this is Lambert killing Phillips with electricity, making it appear like he is having a 'quickening.' On second thought, this movie is still bad.

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Much like yesterday's film (Alone in the Dark), the movie only gets any merit because of its cast. Unlike that movie, the people they got are merely interesting, but not really all that good. The movie is so utterly generic that a couple of silly things stand out to lighten the mood (i.e. the stunt double shot). Plus, it uses that really stupid effect from the era where you shoot people walking down a street and do the 'fade out and reappear' trick. Certain people (i.e. my friend Bob) is really bothered by this, while I find it just silly. Does it really accomplish anything? Either walk down the street or don't! That really sums up the whole movie in a nutshell though: does it accomplish anything? Nope.

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Up next, I return to the world of Lucio Fulci. Will there be zombies? What do you think? Stay tuned...

Impossibly Cool Cover Art: Robo-Vampire

Yet another completely new and totally-uninspired-by-another-site addition to the site? I am truly too good to you people. In the inaugural edition, I present you a contrast between fantasy (the poster) and the reality (the actual film). What better way than with a Godfrey Ho film? This is the poster presented by the movie...
...and this is how the robot looks in the real film.
Feeling sad and disappointed yet? Read the full review at That Guy With The Glasses (link is on the front of the page) and see just how much more you really should be.

Well, it could be worse. It could be this crappy Silver Age robot (image courtesy of www.superdickery.com- a cool site, even if it never updates).Coming up next: The Asylum. That's all I really need to say. Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Shakedown (2002)

Screenplays are often composed of a series of events that take a suspension of disbelief to accept. Other times, the movie is just so completely stupid (Wild Zero, a common whipping boy), bizarre (Starcrash, another one) or nonsensical (Please Don't Eat My Mother) that you just have to raise your hands in surrender. Occasionally, these movies are so ridiculous that they reach a Nirvana-like level of being so crazy and stupid that they are great. Such is the case with today's movie, a little gem of the direct-to-video market. With stars like Erika Eleniak (of Dracula 3000 fame) and Ron Perlman (or Ice Pirates fame), how could this go wrong? Find out in my review of...

Shakedown (2002)

Sadly, this movie neglects the opportunity to use the Bob Seger song that shares the same name. I'm just saying...

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The story begins a woman (Eleniak) going to a rundown apartment building. Her son is a part of a gang that is up to no good. Unfortunately, her plan of showing up and back-talking to the armed thugs backfires and she is forced to help out in a robbery. We cut to the bank where said robbery will occur, but there is a problem: the FBI is there. Why? There is a crazed militia leader that is going to show up and steal a bio-weapon that a scientist keeps in a safe deposit box. Of course, that makes so much sense. The group shows up, as does the group of Compton thugs. A shoot-out begins, with Eleniak and a couple of other innocents stuck in the middle. What is the most logical thing that can happen?

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A giant, f-ing earthquake! Oh, hell yeah!

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The joy of this effects frenzy is ruined by the quick realization of Deja Vu. These effects shots sure do look familiar. Also, why do the wrecked cars appear to be right out of 1973 when the movie came out in 2002? The answer is simple and very, very sad: they are stolen shots from the classic '70s film Earthquake. No, really. They sprinkle in some new F/X shots of falling debris, but it is not good. If you ever wanted to see Poser rocks/beams fall towards people and then make them disappear, this is your movie. Everyone gets trapped inside the building, but still cannot get along. Lots of shooting and shouting takes place. Oh and our hero (the lead FBI agent) slowly turns into a cross between John McClane and Inspector Tequila.

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The movie devolves into action cliches aplenty at this point. Just take your pick, really. Erika gets caught by Perlman and pretty much does nothing. Our hero runs around, shouts and shoots a lot. His clothing gets worn down to a wife-beater and he even slides down a railing and shoots. Debris gets shot off of random objects as well, so that cliche is fulfilled too. Oh and there is a whole sub-plot involving the government sending some bombers to destroy the building due to the bio-weapon being in there. To review: they want to create a giant cloud of smoke to stop the spread of a virus. With a ticking clock- and more random, falling debris- how will our hero succeed? In my favorite moment, the macho hero has a free shot at Perlman- who is killing random hostages for no reason- and shoots him...in the shoulder. What is your damn problem, moron?

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Is this movie good? Obviously not. Is it clever? Again, no. Is it so completely ridiculous that you just have to smile and laugh? Hell yeah. Perlman is so randomly-amusing and everyone else is just so stagnant. When you cast a man named 'Wolf Larson' as your lead, you get what is coming to you. To make things all the sillier, the DVD actually comes with a commentary track by the writer and director. Do they acknowledge the silly effects shots they stole? Yep. Unlike the makers of Max Magician and the Legend of the Rings, they embrace your laughter. You should embrace this movie, even if you are laughing behind its back.

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What happens when you cast the stars of Wolf Lake, Point Men and Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow in one film? One word: touche! Stay tuned...

InSanitarium: Alone in the Dark (1982)

What happens when you get a bunch of old men, tell them to act insane and give them weapons? Until we arm our septuagenarians in 'the homes,' we have today's film. It is a fairly-forgotten movie, in spite of its notable cast. Why does this happen? Well, most people can count on their hands the number of major slasher films that were blockbusters that did not include the words 'Freddy,' 'Halloween' and/or 'Friday the 13th' in the title. Let's make up for this oversight, shall we? This is..

Alone in the Dark

In case it was not clear, this is NOT the Uwe Boll 'adaptation' of the game. I have already reviewed one Boll film and think that is enough. Okay, maybe Postal if someone manages to get me drunk. Really, really, really drunk!

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Our story begins with a new psychiatrist and his family showing up in a lovely New England house. He is taking over for the previous doctor who has left for personal reasons. This proves to be a somewhat important fact later on. The estate is a very nice one, save for one problem: the dangerous psychopaths who inhabit one of the place's floors. In many ways, the group appears to be a more dangerous version of the group in the 80s film The Dream Team. They even have the crazy guy who thinks that he is a religious figure, only he is not funny. The key members of the group include the religious nut (Martin Landau), the mysterious nose-bleeding man (nobody famous), the fat killer (also an unknown) and one violent guy (Jack Palance). I'm sure that this will not end badly.

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While our hero deals with some personal issues at home, the crazy people scheme. In their deranged minds, they have formed a simple answer to why their favorite therapist has left: the new guy killed him. They plan their revenge, but first, they need to get out. As luck would have it, a massive storm in the area causes a major power outage. They kill their guards and go out into the general population. It goes about as well as you might think. Palance goes out to a punk rock club and nobody blinks an eye. Martin 'Ed Wood' Landau chops up some nice people in a diner. Oh and the nose-bleed guys puts on a hockey mask to disguise his face. We actually never see it for a long time. Do I smell a plot point coming on?

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During all this, a lot of personal issues have come up. The doctor's sister is in town and she is not exactly 100% mentally-sound anymore. Another young woman is in the house and she is a bit more politically-motivated. She comes back from a rally with a mysterious man who got arrested with her. Mysterious man, huh? After arriving back home, the killers show their ugly heads. They even kill the hippie-esque owner of the sanitarium (Donald Pleasence) with a crossbow. Man, that guy's track record with killers is not too good. This is the best part of the movie, full of suspense, scares and one random freak-out (featuring monster effects by Tom Savini). By the way, in case you did not figure it out, the mysterious man is the nose-bleed guy.

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I will spoil the ending here, but for a good reason. It is a surprisingly-lazy Deus Ex Machina move.

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The last remaining killers (read:the leads) finally get in the house and corner our heroes. As Palance prepares to shoot them, the power flashes back on. This causes the television to turn itself back on (what kind did they buy?!?) and it shows the previous psychiatrist interviewed by a reporter. The people back off and the day is saved. Wow, that was a really dumb ending for such a good movie.

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This movie is honestly quite good, especially considering the average quality of slasher films of this day. I mean, we've all seen The Burning, right? The film is pretty much sold on its casting and that is it. While the movie is paced well, shot well and done in a solid manner, it would be merely average with any other set of actors. Seeing Palance and Landau both in villainous roles was nice and its a shame that it did not happen more (aside from Palance's good performance in a 1970's adaptation of Dracula). I have also gone the whole review without mentioning that the lead is one of the guys from The A-Team. That says something about how interesting the casting is when I forget to mention that factoid. If you can forgive the ending (a necessary evil for many of these films), you will have a really good time.

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Have you ever wanted to see a giant series of coincidental events all take place in one location at one time? In that case, I have the direct-to-video movie for you. Stay tuned...

WTF China?!?: Eternal Evil of Asia

*Somehow, this is my most viewed post on the website.  As such, I feel that it needs a little bit of a touch-up*

Sometimes, even I am amazed by what I see on screen. Quite frankly, if I was too jaded, I would not even bother with movies. Fortunately, there are strange films lurking everywhere, sort of like Anglerfish on the bottom of the ocean. You can't see them for a long time, but, when you do, you take notice. Good or bad, movies like Blood Freak and Duel to the Death keep me interested in finding out what else I have missed. Such is the case with today's film, a fairly obscure import film with a very strange plot. This is not the first time that a film like this has showed up and sure won't be the last. This is...

Our film begins with a weird and superfluous prologue explaining that magic is real and that magicians are dicks. This is evident when they show them resurrecting dead babies as Grudge-looking zombies. The movie also says- seriously- that 'kid zombies are still kids and like to watch movie.' Yeah, that subtitling is a bit off. Oh and don't ever take a zombie kid to the bathroom. Well, ready for the actual plot now?

A man comes home from work and is not having a good time. He complains about his son eating badly and his wife letting him get away with it. On top of that, his parents have recently died and he is worried about them coming back as zombies, as lore says they might. Thanks the ministrations of a mysterious man, they appear to do just that. The whole scene escalates to the point where he lashes out with an axe and tries to kill them...more, I guess. Unfortunately, this appears to be an illusion and he has accidentally killed his family. Ruh roh, Shaggy! Another hallucination later and he dives off of the roof and is impaled by strobe lights. We cut to three men upset about this and talking vaguely about what may have inspired this. And now for something completely different.

We cut to a hair salon where we get some cryptic foreshadowing. One Thai woman asks the lead woman to keep all of her hair in a bag for her. She explains that this is out of fear of it being used in a spell. This woman is then lectured by her friends about sex. Yeah, this movie is not really work-safe, by the way. This goes on for a while and in great detail. It also has nothing to do with the film, save for setting up a bit where the villain makes one of the three men temporarily impotent before a night with his fiancee (the lady barber). This movie really does have no boundaries! The next day, the woman is about to give some lady a haircut when she suddenly sends a fireball flying across the room! What the hell?!? She explains that a ghost was following the woman and that she scared it away. Oh, that...makes...sense. She pushes our heroine to find out what happened in Thailand on a trip. When I tell you, you still won't believe me.

Our four heroes get chased out of a corrupt bar by ax-wielding bouncers- not the weird part- and end up lost in the woods. They stumble upon a wizard's house, but right before he is about to battle another wizard. Oh and one of them calls the guy a 'dickhead' and is summarily transformed to match his insult. 

No, really. The wizards he battles are a couple that flies and shoots sparks while having sex. After helping the wizard, our heroes are repaid. They meet his sister, who falls for our lead character. The wizard is trying to keep her secluded because of a vision of her death in this year, but agrees to make her a love potion to use on the guy. This involves sweat from her body, which is gathered while she gyrates naked...in front of her brother. The spell backfires and gets the other three instead. This leads to...exactly what you think it does. In the morning, the girl freaks out to see three men in her bed and attacks. In the ensuing chaos, she falls backwards onto a knife. Thus the revenge scheme is set.

I assure you that everything I said is 100% true. See it for yourself if you doubt me.

A wizard's revenge is dark and mean. One men is put under a hex that forces him to eat everything, including human flesh. He dies after eating a whole woman (not shown in full) and most of his own arm. The third man initially escapes the vengeance by way of a magical protective shell (don't ask). He is tricked out of it, however, by an illusion of his sister (the barber) being raped and left to burn alive. Despite being told to ignore the illusions, he goes out and gets filled with more pins than a famous Clive Barker character. It only gets worse from here. Since he felt that the three men raped his sister (not exactly the truth), he decides that he wants the last man's fiancee (the barber). So, naturally, he covers himself in human blood and approaches her in ghost/Predator form. After attacking the man's prone body, he convinces the woman to do anything he asks. This leads to one of the freakiest things I have ever seen in my life. The movie cuts between him standing naked in a room covered in blood and the woman having pantomime sex with him. Yeah, that's enough movie for me.

No, I did not watch the full ending. You can see why.

Who the hell thought up this movie?!?  It is chock full of gore effects, nudity and a nonsensical story. Wizards, rape and magical cannibalism- oh my! I was in awe of this movie's sheer insanity and constant craziness.  When the most normal part of the film involves a woman explaining how to handle a man's junk, you know that you are in for something peculiar!  The effects are actually quite good and are not as dated as you might think.  If you are extremely open-minded and are not scared off by lots of random nudity, I recommend this.  For better or for worse, it is really f@^#ing strange.

How do I follow up a movie like this? With Jack Palance and Martin Landau as killer mental patients. Yeah, that will work. Stay tuned...

The Clone Wars (Last House on Left)- Double-Feature!

Last House on the Left is an iconic film, yet, how many of us have actually seen it? We can talk about how daring it was and how it inspired the whole 'revenge movie' genre, even when it was supposed to be debunking it. Or how it is the most violent movie to have an 'anti-violence message.' That's all well and good, but I want to talk about how much it got ripped off. I have two examples for you today, since of them does not bear its own space. Let's start off with...

Last House on the Beach

The plot to this movie is embarrassingly-simple. A trio of men rob a bank in the day-time and flee. Things did not go smoothly, however, and two people in the building were killed. We don't find out by whom until later. As luck (good or bad, depending on who you are) would have it, they hide out at the titular location, only to discover that it is occupied...by a hot nun and her students (read:28yearolds). I guess we can stay for a couple of days.

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The movie is not completely terrible, but it is quite indecisive. The blond-haired gang leader is always 'playing nice' when the others get a little too grabby. He actually makes them stop fondling one 'girl' under the pretense of them having to leave early the next morning. In the middle of the night, however, two of the men grab the girl and go to have their way with her. When the nun tries to intercede, the 'nice guy' grabs her and makes her watch. So which one is it? He tries to give a speech later saying how he 'never did anything.' The movie, thinking us to be completely dumb, shows scenes from the robbery of him shooting two people juxtaposed against his 'explanation' of the events. Yes, because we clearly trusted him, movie!

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The ending is alright, though it feels a lot like Thriller aka They Call Her One-Eye. The bad guys all get shot in slow-motion and we are all supposed to feel better. The blond leader goes down really slow though. He gets shotgun-blasted in the chest, but still fights the girls. Who the hell is this guy- Andrew Jackson (look it up)! He gets beaten up with sticks in a very prolonged scene. Movie over yet? Yes. The End.

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Incidentally, the above movie is the one with the line I quoted in the teaser.

Last House on the Edge of the Park

Despite having such a long, obtuse title, this is actually superior to the other one. Through a long series of events I won't disclose, a macho guy and his 'toady' friend end up at a rich people party. They have some issues with them, however, like the rich guys cheating one of them at cards and one girl being all talk and no action. Naturally, our macho lead decides to hold them hostage and torture them. Yeah, that's a natural escalation. To the movie's credit/detriment, this part makes up most of the movie (roughly one hour and ten minutes). I will give them credit for not 'holding their cards' for too long, but this part does drag a bit since it is so one-sided.

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So what do we get exactly? One guy gets beaten up and tied to a table, where he spends 80% of the movie. Another- who looks like a cross between Ryan Phillipe in Cruel Intentions and that jerk on Gossip Girl- gets beaten up a lot, even to the point where he should clearly either be dead or nearly dead. One model lady gets her top pulled down a couple of times and yelled at. A brunette is nearly raped by the other guy, but he chickens out. Later, after he says that he doesn't want to hurt her, she does it willingly. Wow, you are coerced easily in barely an hour. The girl who would not put out for our lead is yelled at a lot and is forced to finally 'follow-through' with it. Oh and another girl shows up right at the one hour mark so she can be cut with a straight razor.

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Why is this movie better? In spite of its masochistic tone, there is a point to it all. In the end, we learn that the whole thing was a set-up. You see, they have a random 'girl gets killed by the villain' scene which feels unnecessary. Later, we learn that the girl is, wait for it, the blond guy's sister. He let him there, made him mad and got attacked so he could eventually get his gun and kill the guy in 'self-defense.' Yeah, it is a weird and obtuse revenge scheme, but even he admits it. The villain gets shot several times- including in his special area- but takes around five minutes straight to die. Also, he barely ever bleeds from his four bullet wounds while in the pool. I guess we should all feel better, right? The End.

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I will give the latter film credit- I would definitely NOT do a revenge scheme of my own now. Not because of the whole 'cycle of violence' thing. Just because I realize now how hard it is to pull off. Plus, your friends may not like being 'raped for your cause.' They don't elaborate on that part, but I would think that there was some dislike of that guy afterward. So this goes to show you that good, iconic films should be left alone. It's not like anyone would remake this movie...oh wait, they already did. Stay tuned next Halloween for I Spite on Your Grave (2010), I guess.

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Up next, a film so bizarre that you need to know about it now. Unfortunately, I am out of time. See you tomorrow. Stay tuned...

'Deep Blue Sea' Moments: Feast

Based on popular demand (i.e. the one person who usually posts comments said that he wanted more), this series is back. Will I ever escape this? Actually, it is possible. All I need to know is go out the back door, grab the key hidden on the highest point of the bookcase and spin around three times. Once that is done, I will be safe. So, now I just need to go do...AARGH! Title attack! It's...it's...

Feast

This happens early on in the movie and is not meant to have the same effect. Instead, this is done to create a strange, morbid laugh. At least, the first time. When they re-used this bit in Feast III (see my review to see what else they stole), it was just sad. I'm not going to focus on that one and instead focus on the good one (it's a relative compliment, really).

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What they know: they were enjoying a beer or two in a desert bar when a tiny monster showed up. It caused lots of mayhem in a moment, including cutting off a biker's leg and skinning off Jason Mewes' face. Eventually, they get it locked in a soda cooler and think that everything is alright. Unfortunately, they are wrong- dead wrong. They learn that the monster they just stopped was one of the baby off-shoots of the real beasts. Fortunately, hope is here.

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A burly young man ('McSteamy' from Grey's Anatomy) shows up with a shotgun and a barrel full of machismo (the latter bit is metaphorical, of course). He explains that if they work together, everyone will make out it alive. Evidently, he missed the two corpses on the floor. Right at the end of his speech, a monster's arm bursts through the wall and pulls him partway through. Faster than you can say 'I hated this in Zombie 5 too,' his body comes back without a head. This, of course, comes after the movie touts him as the hero of the movie who will practically live forever.

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This movie is not that bad, although its low-budget is evident in the use of dark lighting. Even so, the tone is handled fairly well and the movie is pretty enjoyable. When it gets a bit darker (thematically), it is less fun. Did we need a scene of a wounded woman being raped by monsters? Not really. I've said enough about this series though, to be honest. I will just add more thing: that bullshit ending with the robot is still stupid. Who thought that was a good idea?!? Ahh, I feel better.

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Is there more on the horizon? Why do you ask? Didn't you see me die earlier?!? If I come back, stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Witchery

There are many bad sequels to films made every year. Hell, I've talked about many of them already. What I have also discussed is the idea of the 'fake-quel' or the fake sequel. The most famous example, of course, is the Zombi series that is falsely spun off of Dawn of the Dead over in Italy. There is oh so much more though. Did you know that the Evil Dead films have gotten the same treatment? It is less well-known due to it only being a phenomenon in Italy, whereas the other one crossed over here as well on DVD and VHS. If you were an American tourist in the 80s and 90s you could live out your fantasy of several 'Evil Dead' films on video, only they would be crap like today. Without further ado, I bring you...

Witchery

Our movie begins with a barely-dressed woman being chased by an angry mob. Okay, movie, you have my attention. She ends up being chased into and through a very lovely New England house that looks like a cross between The Waltons' house and The Amittyville one. In desperation, she ends up diving through a window, which the film presents to us in dreamy slow-mo. The whole scene is also in that hazy filter which people either really love or utterly hate. Our story jump-cuts ahead a long period of time (the woman's pursuers looked like Puritanical men) to a couple on the same island. It is a studious-looking young brunette and...David Hasselhoff! How the hell did you end up in a film directed by the man behind Black Orgasm (no, really) and Erotic Nights of the Living Dead?!? Incidentally, the woman would end up another Joe D'Amato (really Aristide Massaccesi) film that I saw- Zombie 5: Killing Birds. Anyhow, the girl is writing a book about haunted houses, while her boyfriend just wants to get into her pants. He's nicer about it than the guy in The Killer Must Kill Again, but he is still clear about what he wants.

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Around the same time, a rich family is going to check out their newly-inherited estate. Any guesses on which house it is? They set it up earlier by explaining that the intro was a dream/vision had by the pregnant young woman in the family played by Linda Blair. In fairness to her, this is still better than Repossessed. We get a set-up to strangeness by having a falling beam nearly hit Linda Omen IV-style. Plus, we have the pre-requisite creepy kid that is sure to be chatty with a ghost or two. Plus, we get the first of our cameo appearances by the Witch herself, who speaks bad English to the kid before disappearing. Why can't I just disappear yet? Oh and we get our first glimpse of superfluous nudity as a woman is showering before Linda's parents call. The blond is a broker who will show the family the house, which is, of course, on an island. Oh no, I hope they don't get stuck there!

*

So, the family, the property owner's son and the blond show up. Hoff and his lady pal hide, but not before engaging in more talk about her 'giving it up.' We can read your foreshadowing like a book, movie! Also, hire a better actress for a scene that involves so much reacting. A giant solar flare goes off behind the house, which is explained as 'the witch's light.' Aren't witches more discreet since they are, you know, killed on sight?!? Eventually, Knight Rider and his gal pal are discovered, just as a storm hits the island. It is explained that it is far too unsafe to go anywhere right now. Plus, their boat captain was killed and the boat drifted away. Did I forget to mention that part? Our first bit of titular action occurs when Linda has a pill-related freak-out in the bathroom. She ends up in a Forbidden Zone-style world where creepy women are eating a fetus (read:doll). Thanks, movie, I wasn't hungry.

*

The plot goes thusly: the Witch has to open the Three Doors to Hell (I would have put a couple more big ones on, personally). The first is opened when she kidnaps the old mother, sews her mouth shut (a bit later used in Argento's Pelts) and makes her reappear in the real world. She is tied up and hanging above the fireplace (in the chimney). Being vaguely near a flame causes her skin to slowly melt like wax (read:itclearlyis). All of this happens mere feet away from the group and nobody notices it. The next one comes when the owner's son and the realtor run off for some nookie. They are sucked into the magical world and attacked by the same two women. When they reappear in our world, the man is a flaming stake on the lawn (circa Dead & Buried) and the woman is impaled on a giant swordfish. Okay, that I did not see coming! The final door is opened when the still-virgin brunette- having turned down the Hoff a couple of times more- is attacked by the witch. She is, well, raped by Satan (either Rosemary's Baby or The Church- take your pick). Following this, she goes downstairs and says nothing about it. Why?

*

From hereon out it is a big mess. The dad dies (but not to open a Door) and the kid wanders around being crazy. The whole thing nearly ties together when Linda Blair gets, wait for it, possessed! I don't need a bubble for that one, do I? She explains the whole plot (at least somebody can) and chases our heroes. Most of them make it to a boat, but Hoff and his now non-virgin lady are trapped. Our hero gives his life to save her, but is it to no avail? We see the boat leave without her and see her...wake up in a hospital. How? Why? But, before I get too outraged, I have to add this. She is also pregnant! Yeah, you saw that coming, huh? The End.

*

This movie is bad, but it certainly has its moments. The mom's death and the horny pair's ones are interesting, even if completely implausible. The acting just kills the whole thing for me though. The brunette (Leslie Cumming in one of her two listed IMDB credits) is just the worst part of the movie, even when compared to the kid who is practically reading off of tiny cue cards...badly. She never emotes beyond indifference, even when being chased down the hallway by a witch! She was not this bad in the other movie (Zombie 5), which I can only attribute to her being dubbed. So, bravo to her voice actress who is infinitely superior to her. The bottom line is this: when you honestly say 'David Hasselhoff was the best actor in the movie,' things are bad. Really pain-resistant film buffs may see it just to say that they have seen Evil Dead 4. I would insult you for that, but I already saw this movie of my own accord.

*

Coming up next, a pair of movies that make you wish that you had gone to the second to the last house. Stay tuned...

Bi-Polar Cinema: Tokyo Zombie

Japan- you do not need make every one of your mangas and animes into a film. Seriously, this goes for the good majority of them. Did we need Cromartie High School: The Movie? I don't really think so. A good example of this is today's film, an adaptation of a fairly-popular manga. The problem is that they did not adapt just one story and make several of them. Instead, they tried to make a summary of the whole series into one ninety-minute movie. How well did that turn out? Find out the answer in my review of...

Tokyo Zombie

The film begins with our two heroes- both of whom have silly haircuts- who work in a factory. Only, the factory is empty, save for the two of them. What does this place make- air?!? They spend their time -seriously- practicing judo. The older one (the one in the crappy bald cap) explains that this is the ultimate fighting technique and that they need to learn it. Why? The film never addresses this, but it does address the whole 'not working' thing. Their boss shows up and reprimands them for being lazy. Excuse me, I was wrong. He actually begins to attack them with a pipe. In self-defense, the men accidentally kill him. Ha ha ha...wait, what was funny there?

*

The men casually drive up to a giant trash pile that exists just outside Tokyo that is affectionately-known as Black Mount Fuji. This is not to be confused with a bad Italian action movie. They dump him there, but all of the undead begin to come back to life. Why? Good question. We get some 'wacky' deaths like a man's head being kicked off like a soccer ball. Ha ha- it's funny because he's dead! Our heroes take a while to figure this out, so go ahead and cue up the Shaun of the Dead comparisons now. When they do figure out, they get into some wacky adventures like trying to go shopping while there are zombies about and doing a dramatic scene whilst wrestling in a mildly-gay manner. The older man reveals that he has cancer, which is hilarious, but gets bit in a fight. He jumps into the river to avoid turning and killing his friend. Are you ready for a sudden and random turn?

*

The film suddenly turns into a cartoon a la Tank Girl and shows how the world was overrun by zombies. The rich live in walled cities (Land of the Dead) and are entertained (Caligula) by zombies fighting humans for sport (Best of the Best 2, save for the zombie part). Don't worry, it turns back into live-action. It still gets bad though.

*

The film jumps ahead nearly ten years (why?) and establishes a new narrative. Our afro-ed hero is now married to the woman they saved and has a kid. He is making a living as a zombie fighter in the pits, using the judo he learned (sort of) from his friend. Okay, you really should stretch out a bit before you make jumps like that, movie! His problem is that his fights are simple and over too quickly to entertain the rich assholes. The tone gets very bleak at this point, focusing a lot on the family aspect. The guy's wife has no respect for him and his kid doesn't ever talk. That's so hilarious! Skipping ahead (which I recommend), the whole 'second movie' builds up to the man's former-friend showing up as a zombie in the arena. The man proves to be alive enough to manipulate his friend into ending his suffering. He does this by provoking him with memories of a teacher that violated him sexually- again, funny as hell. The whole film ends with the zombies over-running the city and our hero flees. They also explain that his friend was not really a zombie, but just thought he was. The End.

*

I did not mind Tokyo Zombie that much, at least not the first part. What the hell made them think that nobody would mind the random plot shift? Who green-lit that stupid idea? Also, the tonal change is so sudden that it needs one of those road warning signs. It's as bad as Hundra was, only in reverse. Plus, that movie had good action scenes...in the first ten minutes. This is Napoleon Dynamite, only with some zombies thrown in and even more obtusely-quirky. You can keep your zombies, Tokyo- I'd rather watch the Italian ones. At least those ones are funny, even if they are not supposed to be.

*

Before I piss off the entire continent of Asia any more, I will change gears to Italy. It's not like this film has the star of Baywatch: Nights in it. Oh god, it does. Stay tuned...

Update Teaser

I have a nice two-part review coming up shortly. It is the return of a series done early on in the inception of the site. I won't say any more, save for giving you this one line from one of the two films.

Nun: What is this?!?
Criminal #1: This is a gun and it shoots bullets.

Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging on the edge of your seat for too long. Sunday and Monday are the planned days for these updates. Unless, of course, I change my mind. Stay tuned...

East Meets West: China Strike Force

It's not that rare to get a crappy kung-fu movie made in China during the last 40 years. It is also not that rare to get one made with American actors trying to be kung-fu stars...and usually failing- I'm looking at you, Gary Daniels. What is rare is getting a kung-fu movie made in China with American actors and Chinese ones. Oh, by the way, the whole movie is also done in English as its native language. So if you ever wanted to see the Indian from Brotherhood of the Wolf battle real kung-fu masters, this is your film. It is...

China Strike Force

I have to pause for a moment to comment on how silly this title is. Grammatically, it just makes no sense. Is the whole country a 'strike force?' Silly, silly. Moving on...

*

The plot revolves around two young cops who get caught up in a big drug bust and all of the related violence. Wouldn't it be a change of pace to see some young cops caught up in something that is actually on their level? Sure, it would be boring, but it would be something different. Their first big test is an assassination attempt in a big public forum. Why? It has something to do with two criminal drug lords trying to tie up any loose ends before their work gets interrupted. But, you don't really care about that! What you care about is this: action scene! They chase the attacker (dressed as a waiter) into a busy Hong Kong street and fight around the traffic. There is also a motorcycle that gets involved for a couple of stunts. The guy manages to evade capture via death, proving that our heroes are vaguely-ineffectual.

*

A good lead comes in the form of a good-looking young woman with ties to the drug dealers. A lot of chasing ensues before she is captured. In the interim, we get some scenes involving our two drug dealers: Mark 'Iron Chef America' Dacascos and Coolio. Why does this guy keep showing up in my movies?!? Incidentally, Coolio's character is in fact named Coolio. That's lazy writing for you! Oh well, at least they are doing business meetings in a hot tub...oh god, they are. This is turning into the gayest pair of drug dealers ever! Back to the female part of the movie, our heroes learn the woman's secret: she is actually part of the Japanese DEA! Dun dun dun! Much like Cradle 2 The Grave, she came overseas to get the guy. This brings up the biggest problem the movie has: the English language. Most of the stars are not exactly from here and not that exactly fluent in the language. This gives us the classic line of the woman explaining that she wants revenge on 'the drug dealer Coorio.'

*

In case it was not clear, the movie is just a pretense to string together action scenes. The actors were all hired for their ability to fight, well, except for Coolio. He was hired for his ability to...wait, why did they hire him? Oh right, he contributes in his own way to the musical score. What do we get? A rap song that consists of the lyrics 'Oow-eeh, I like girls, I like girls.' Now picture that for five minutes and you have 'the song.' The finale is pretty much worth the price of admission though. Our main hero (I won't spoil the whole plot for you) shows up to battle Dacascos and Coolio. During the fight, the latter tries to flee in a car that is being towed by a helicopter- of course! The other two get on a fight ensues on the vehicle. About halfway through, they crash it into a building and Dacascos is killed. The fight continues on a giant pane of glass. To review, they kill off the one villain who knows kung-fu in place of Coolio. Yeah, it's not pretty, although Stanley Tong disguises it alright.

*

This movie is entertaining, but nothing more. The fact that Stanley Tong was at the helm helped it a lot more than any other factor. The stunt performers do an admirable job and make all the action feel real. Unfortunately, the acting and everything else in the movie is just not up to par. People can make Jackie Chan films for their flimsy plots, but they are least more fluid and logical than this one. I would have liked a stronger plot that was delivered more competently. As it stands, China Strike Force is a fun movie that will keep you entertained for a while, but fail to be all that memorable.

*

While we are still in Asia, let's take a walk on the bi-polar side...you filthy bastard. Sorry, I did it again. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Eko Eko Azarak III

I know that you have been waiting patiently for this movie, so...I watched it. Do I have any regrets? Well, you will have to read on to find out for sure. All I will tell you is that the movie has some interesting moments, quite a few dull ones and a plot element straight out of the classic film Staying Alive. If that vague description does not entice you then nothing will. Oh, plus the plot revolves around Cthulhu. Before I say any more, let's jump right into...

Eko Eko Azarak III: Misa the Dark Angel

This series is a bit confusing to follow, since the second film is a prequel. Of course, it also does not immediately follow the events of the first film. This story does not exactly hinge on your knowledge of previous events, so don't worry about it. Still- stop making the first sequel to films into a prequel. Not cool!

*

A mysterious and charred body appears in the street one night and whispers two final words before it dies: Misa Kuroi. This happens to be the name of our heroine and, as plot convenience would have it, Misa's uncle is the coroner who is doing the autopsy. One look at the body allows her to see a spirit inside it. It flies around like crazy before being sent away by Misa's magic. We learn that there was an inter-dimensional parasite in the body. Of course, that makes sense. Our heroine's only shot to solve the mystery of who and why is to go undercover at a high school. Yeah, that worked out so well the last two times. Why not do it again? Also, this uncle character is brand new, but apparently quite important. That's lazy writing for you.

*

Within minutes of showing up, Misa joins up with the drama club. They are practicing for a play that appears to be an odd mix of 'A Midsummer's Night Dream' and 'Satan's Alley,' the play from Staying Alive. What kind of High School is this? Oh right, this is Japanese- never mind. The whole thing with the play makes sense in the long run, but still feels very weird. When you consider the movie as a whole, there are a lot of issues. The movie nearly grinds to a halt for nearly 20 minutes as we watch the girls practice and talk about nonsense. Does this create an atmosphere of reality? Yes. Is it boring as all get up? Yes. There is even an ironic line by the Uncle who warns Misa about the play before going to 'camp' (aka lock up practice). "Who would be interested in watching this," he asks. Does he mean the play or the movie?

*

Finally, during practice, something actually happens. First, we get a bunch of random dreams. What do they accomplish? Well, they look weird and take up at least five minutes or so. That's good enough, I guess. In the middle of rehearsal, one of the girls goes into trance. This happens while Misa is away taking a phone call from her uncle. She rushes back in and frees the girls from their trances using the time-tested method of 'pimp hand' slapping. They end up in another dimension nonetheless (our heroine is very bad at really helping) and are quickly attacked by weird, hooded monsters. They look a bit like the Blind Dead, but are more like the goblins from Troll 2. Plus, they make the same sounds as the Putties from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Does this inspire any terror? Not really. Even when two girls are killed in a really lazy gore shot that consists solely of one lone blood spray fountain.

*

The movie gets interesting in the final act, even if it makes no damn sense. Basically, one of the girls is evil and killing off her co-stars. The movie is built around referencing the play in the story itself, which has something to do with the Elder Gods (yes, they do refer to everyone's favorite squid), demons and an Homunculus. Do not try to really follow it or your head will explode. What you need to know is this: everyone dies (even Misa) save for one girl and the evil witch. Both of them are Homunculuses(i), the latter of which has not gained human emotions, while the other one has. The whole thing is a demonic plan to turn a puppet (Homunculus) into a real boy (human with a soul)- this is all Pinocchio! Oh, and the ceremony stopped by Misa was a fake. The real one was the one done in practice where they chanted and kissed a tree. To review: you summon the evil Yog Soto by chanting and kissing a tree. All of this climaxes with Misa battling the evil girl in a special effects extravaganza...of sorts and both of them vanish. The girl reappears as the burned-up corpse, thus completing the framing device. The good girl awakens from the coma that the battle put her in as Misa wanders off to solve a new case.

*

Wow, that was an ordeal. The pacing was all over the place! Nothing happens, nothing happens and then, holy crap! The acting is not that great, although the villainous girl is at least entertaining. One curious thing is that Misa stays in the same outfit for 90% of the movie- why? Do they think that we will get her mixed up with someone else? Also, there is a lesbian sub-plot that is brought up and completely abandoned. What's up with that? The gore in the movie is alright, but understated a lot. I'm sorry, I used the wrong word. The gore in the movie is really lazy and low-budget- that's better. On the plus side, I was not falling asleep during the movie like I was during Eko Eko Azarack II. That's really the most you are going to get out of me.

*

Let's stick with the Asian theme, but get a bit more interesting. What do you get when you combine a martial artist, the English language and a rapper? Find out. Stay tuned...

Syfy Trash: The Hive

I prefaced this review by stating that The Hive is the far less subtle version of Phase IV- this is true. It works upon the same basic idea, only never bothering to try and explain it (even compared to the vague explanation given in Phase IV). On top of that, they go completely 'over the top' in every single possible way- the acting, the effects, etc. You think that I am exaggerating? Read my review and find out. This is...

The Hive

The movie begins hard and fast with a swarm of ants attacking a village. It is right here that we learn that the movie is a tad low-budget. The ants are basically a colored blob of pixels. Yeah, get used to it. An elite team of bug-killers...heh...named Thorax is called in to stop the tide of bugs. They do it with- I shit you not- sonic laser guns that create tiny sonic booms when they hit the ground. Seriously, does bug spray not work in movies? They manage to stave off an attack by a large group of them and the team re-groups. This movie is just getting started though.

*

Incidentally, this movie is part of the 'Maneater Series' of direct-to-video movies that includes Blood Monkey, Maneater (this seems obvious) and Grizzly Rage. Is this really a series? No. It is just a flimsy pretense to tie together a bunch of random 'killer animal' films, now with crappy CG. I just thought that you should know that.

*

The team goes out the next day in their HAZMAT suits and has their tech girl stay behind to talk to them through a Walkie Talkie when dramatic things happen. Oh, they sure do. The group splits up- always good when battling swarms of things- and a pair of them runs into serious trouble. By the way, one of the two is played by Tom Wopat, one of the two guys from The Dukes of Hazard. No, he's not the guy from Smallville; he's the one did nothing. The ants form a chain and strike them with a fist. No, really. In spite of their super-fancy suits, one of the ants crawls in Tom's ear. An actual subplot revolves around the insect biting at his nerve endings. What does it accomplish? Nothing.

*

In the wake of the revelation that red ants and black ants are working together (a biological impossibility), the founder of Thorax calls in an entomologist who is, wait for it, his ex-girlfriend. They tease a love sub-plot, but it falls by the side pretty quickly. What we get instead is much more interesting and much less plausible. The ants attack again and take out more people with their CG army. They even take time to save a single child- a silly thing amongst the hundreds of dead shown on screen. Our heroes discover that the ants are communicating through symbols in the grass and decide to talk to them. This leads to this infamous line- "We do not negotiate with ants!" The two leads run off anyways and discover the ants have much more than a big hill in the dirt. No, they have...

*

AN ANT COMPUTER!

*

I am 100% not kidding you. The ants have formed a computer with their body and learned to communicate through a form of Hieroglyphics. This is just...wow. Unfortunately, Mr. Wopat has gone crazy from having an ant eat away at his brain and tries to kill the super insects. This leads the ants to retaliate by forming...a giant ant made out of other ants. "Words fail me, gentlemen." The whole thing disintegrates into running, shooting and one big explosion. The ants are gone...for now. But what have we really learned? How about 'use bug spray to kill ants next time.' Trust me, it works!

*

This movie is ridiculous and entertaining, in that order. The movie is just utter crap, but played completely straight. On top of that, they have wooden actors and decide to turn the brown-haired guy from Dukes into a crazy rebel. Yeah, he definitely has the range for it. The special effects look really dumb most of the time, but are at least entertaining. They don't overdo the whole ant swarm thing like some others movies have, but make it fresh in silly ways. You have not lived until you have seen someone try to rationalize an ant computer without laughing. That's all I need to say, really.

*

Despite my pleas, they released the third Eko Eko Azarack movie. Now you get to suffer with me. Stay tuned...

Those Wacky '70s: Phase IV (1974)

People in the 70s were simply in love with bugs. That's the only possible reason that they made so many movies about them back then. It's not like Empire of the Ants was so good that audiences begged for more! In spite of this, some legitimately-creative movies came out in this era as well, such as yesterday's Bug. Were they all great though? Not necessarily. Even so, they are very curious pieces of cinema. For example, today's review of...

Phase IV(1974)

The movie begins with a mysterious and monotone voice telling us about human evolution. Sadly, this does not lead to Mulder killing a giant monster with shampoo. Instead, we get more exposition and, a couple of long minutes later, a setting. Oh and we get lots of footage of ants. I would make more note of that, except 80% of the movie is footage of ants, so it's like saying 'this scene uses a camera to film it.' We get a pair of scientists (one young and one old) who show up in a desert town to deal with a problem. That problem: too many damn ants! They stay with one of the lone remaining couples in the town before seeing the threat first hand. They establish a private dome base to study the problem and find a solution. Didn't you guys bring Raid?

*

The film has a very curious Act structure. We see a bunch of scenes and then it says which Phase that the ants are in. I just thought that you should know it.

*

The movie wisely figures out that a lab with just two guys in it would be a bit of a 'sausage-fest,' so they introduce a lady. Of course, she does not get much choice in the 'joining' process. She goes with her family as the ants overrun their house. They try to flee, but their truck crashes into a newly-formed ant hill. At the same time, our heroes are letting loose an experimental, blue ant-killer. Oh and the truck gets blown up. Want to know how? The ants did it, by forming a chain. No, I'm not kidding you. They find the truck and save the girl, who lived because...the movie said so. Our young hero begins to get distracted by love, but, let's not focus on that. More footage of ants!

*

As the movie progresses, it tends to get very pretentious. The ants begin to get smarter- or so the movie says- and even form their own obelisks. In what is portrayed as a very dramatic and shocking moment, our heroes smash one of those. Okay. Thrill at the dramatic action of...people sitting at giant computers (it is the 1970s, you know) and...ants crawling on wires. The entire dramatic crux of the movie is built around the ants evolving...for some reason and out-smarting our heroes. This is portrayed by having them bite wires which slow the 1kb hard drives to a crawl. Dramatic! Get used to it- it's the best that you are going to get. Well, that and images out of Pink Floyd's The Wall. The only really neat part is where the ants build pyramids out of a glass-like material (they apparently produced it) and use the old 'magnifying glass' trick against the humans.

*

I would tell you more about the ending, if I understand a damn bit of it. The old man gets a little crazier because all of his plans are not working and they did not insulate their wires against tiny pincers. As the ants enter the final, titular phase of evolution...because of light from space or something, the girl tells them about how they need to give up and embrace the ants. Yeah, just go with it. He snaps and runs outside, meeting his death in a pit that he falls into. The film ends with the young man and woman walking out of the facility and into the desert. Is this a prequel to El Topo or something?

*

Part of me really likes this movie, but part of me also likes creme corn. It is a very interesting movie in theory and a really pretentious one in practice. Even so, amongst all of the lazy 'animals attack' movies that the decade put out- including H.G Wells' Food of the Gods and Grizzly- this movie is unique and experimental. At the same time, it is unique and experimental. Take that for what you will, really.

*

Did you like that movie, but felt that it was too pretentious and lacking in lasers? I have some good news for you. Stay tuned...

Castle Crasher: Bug (1975)

People often forget just how many films are actually adaptations of books. For example, Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a dark book called Who Censored Roger Rabbit. Dumb movies like First Blood (cool as it is) is based on a book by the same name. In the 1970s, there were a series of silly book-to-film adaptations though- Night of the Lepus being a stand-out. The closest thing we have come lately is Meg, a film that has been 'in-development' since 1997. Some odd studio adapted a strange short story titled- really- 'The Hephaestus Bug' and made today's film...

Bug (1975)

I am putting the year on here so nobody gets it confused with that dumb movie where Ashley Judd does drugs and freaks out in a hotel. This is much better, no matter whose play it is.

*

The movie begins by introducing a nice, small town that is Christian and completely non-threatening. After enough time setting up that and are random supporting characters, an earthquake occurs. It shakes up all the people in Church, but everyone is alright. Little do they know that something more dangerous has occurred though. Later that night, a cat stumbles upon a cockroach, or so it thinks. The bug does an unseen action and causes the cat to light on fire. Jesus, movie, stop picking on the cats! First Beware! The Blob and now this! What did they do to you? Eventually, some people become victims of the bugs as well, the high point of which is a truck explosion.

*

As luck would have it, this town has an entomologist on staff, who serves as a High School Biology teacher. He goes to great lengths to study the creatures, becoming more and more secluded from his friends and family. Even his wife gets put on the back burner (no pun intended) in favor of the bugs. The real joy of this film is just watching how his character progresses into insanity. To be honest, everything is just window-dressing. He is the star of the movie and the bugs are the supporting actors. The bugs are a bit more believable than the Tingler (another William Castle production) most of the time, although the real bugs used help disguise the effect. Never once do they logically explain how the bugs shoot flames either. Oh, they certainly try. They do about as well as most 70s films do to explain pseudo-science.

*

As the film progresses, it manages to get crazier and crazier. The lead puts together a super-private lab designed to study these amazing creatures in great detail. Other than his sanity, there are no consequences. Oh, except for the bit where one bug lights his wife's hair on fire. As a bonus, this takes place in the same kitchen set used for The Brady Bunch show. Don't worry, the film has more than just flame-throwing bugs. As time goes by, the bugs strive to break free. The climax of this involves a group of them escaping their confinement and forming words on the wall. How are they this smart? Does it have anything to do with our scientist friend forcibly mating what he thinks are the smartest ones? They never say. The finale is a bit lazy, unfortunately, as the bugs kill the scientist and get sucked back into the ground by another earthquake. Can you say Deus Ex Machina, kids?

*

The movie is honestly pretty good, even if it barely explains any of its own science. The film has its own sort of charm and is honestly a very good character study. I realize how silly the movie's plot is (which is why it is here), but I honestly like this movie. Unfortunately, the DVD presentation is, how can I say it nicely, minimalistic. No trailers, commentary or anything. You want the movie- here it is. I should also note that this movie is directed by Jeannot Szwarc, the man behind such classics as Santa Claus: The Movie, Jaws 2 and Supergirl. It is still good though- I just felt like mentioning that. If you like 70s horror, check this one out.

*

If you liked those bugs, wait until you see what evolution does to ants. Stay tuned...

International 80s Trash: Atlantis Interceptors

Some movies are not made to be re-discovered. In spite of this, lazy DVD producing companies unearth every damn movie ever made, pick the worst VHS transfer available and toss it into a multi-movie set for $5. How else would we get such classics as Carthage in Flames or Mission: Bloody Mary? This is how I found today's movie, a lost film from Italy's voyage into utterly ripping off Mad Max. It is...

Atlantis Interceptors

The film begins with a really slow introduction of our leads. One of them has to take a long plane ride out to an awaiting boat. The duo we get is a little curious: one of them is a middle-aged white man and the other is a young black man. Who are they exactly- Joe Biden and Barack Obama?!? They are going to work as protectors of some scientists who work on an oil platform. You cannot work anywhere else guys? I hear there is a lovely lab on the precipice of a volcano. I'm sure that nothing bad will happen out here. Oh, I'm being told that I am wrong.

*

As if to prove me wrong (and to have a movie) the lost island of Atlantis rises again. I'm sorry, I should be more accurate. A large bubble-shaped toy pops out of a bathtub and they just call it Atlantis. A tiny little doorway pops off of the giant dome surrounding the model...I mean, city and, for some reason, people in biker outfits ride out in make-shift motorcycles. Should I ask why they are dressed in post-apocalyptic clothing and use their vehicles? Wait, I think I figured it out. It's like that because it is after the apocalypse that beset their civilization. Of course, if that were true, how did they afford the dome and the technology to raise themselves again? The obvious answer is that there were left over props from Warriors of the Wasteland, so we had a movie!

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The plot gets really simple from here. A bunch of people head to land and try to avoid being killed by the Atlantean bikers. Incidentally, the 'Humungus' character is played by a man wearing what appears to be the Crystal Skull for a helmet. Of course, in reality, it is one of those plastic molds packed with rubber masks to keep them in shape. That or they melted down the see-through armor from Warriors into a helmet. Lots of action scenes take place, including plenty of shooting, explosions and a couple decapitations. I'll give it one thing: it's not boring. It is badly-dubbed and has almost no plot other than 'let's run this way' or 'I'll stay here so I can get killed.' Atlantis is also rife with really, really dated fashion, including the classic super-tiny striped shirt that perpetuate every Italian film in this era. Please tell me that this film has more plot to give us than this!

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Oh goody, they decide to change locations. They now decide to take the fight the bastards at their own game. They head into Atlantis, which appears to be a generic jungle setting. Way to dash my hopes, movie! On the plus side, we get, wait for it, more shooting. Lots and lots of shooting takes place in this part. The movie does not skimp on killing off important characters as well, although they leave our two leads alive until the end. Once they get to the Atlantean home-base, it gets a little trippy. The Council consists of a bunch of Phantom Zone-like heads on a wall talking to a woman right out of Bow Wow Wow. The whole thing wraps up pretty neatly and involves, you guessed it, a lot more shooting. If you are an NRA nut, this is your freaking Nirvana. Did we learn anything? No, not really. The End.

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The movie is silly, direct and pretty dumb. I don't know what inspired the idea of Atlantis rising again and trying to get revenge. Maybe this is all just a follow-up to Godzilla vs. Megalon, where undersea dwellers send a giant cockroach to destroy us for being too noisy. Except, this time they do it for...wait, why do they do it? I'm sure they say at some point, but I couldn't hear it over the explosions. This movie is just a pretense to string together bad shootouts and unconvincing explosion reactions. You could make a drinking game out of dramatic leaping away from explosions on a delay. If you can find a copy of this movie, you may have a good time. Just leave your brain in that conveniently-shaped plastic jar.

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I don't know how to dress this one up, so here it is: bugs that shoot fire. Stay tuned...