tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4788538238831756834.post5165380977179122770..comments2024-03-27T21:47:42.148-04:00Comments on MONDO BIZARRO: Project Asylum: 3 MusketeersAlec Pridgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06857871218588846213noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4788538238831756834.post-82409938316163620842013-04-11T22:37:25.902-04:002013-04-11T22:37:25.902-04:00For the record, my comments were about the odd ...For the record, my comments were about the odd 'neck to head' ratio. I'd never make fun of a guy for getting burned. I have never made fun of Richard Lynch for it.<br /><br />Oh and I say this in all honesty: I really doubt that Kane Hodder would give two shits about what I think.<br /><br />Just to cover my bases if he ever does read this- you're awesome, Kane Hodder- weird neck to head ratio and all.Alec Pridgenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06857871218588846213noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4788538238831756834.post-55003129077103537022012-12-15T10:21:28.902-05:002012-12-15T10:21:28.902-05:00Oh, and 4: She's not threatening! One of the v...Oh, and 4: She's not threatening! One of the villains in the film is this woman who they continually try to suggest is a really scary badass, and all the characters always flee from her whenever she shows up...but she just utterly fails at being threatening. She never seems tough, always looks kind of confused or lost, and is pretty easily bested any time she's actually confronted or someone tricks her. It's this weird juxtaposition that's difficult to actually explain...everything about how she's filmed and how the characters react tells you this is supposed to be a major badass enemy, but everything about how the story actually treats her suggests she's just your average "beaten in three seconds" henchwoman. And then they have her go toe-to-toe with the girl Musketeer at the end in an even fight. O_O<br /><br />Like Al noted in the review above, too...only one of the actors has any talent in the fight scenes, the Asian guy who played (I think) Athos. He actually pulled off some pretty good-looking moves and made it look like he was really fighting hard, and I was pretty impressed to see that in an Asylum film. The rest...well, they're pretty much what you'd expect. And that final fight between Athos and the Cardinal...even with Athos shot, that should have ended in an Athos victory in about four seconds. They did not in any way make the Cardinal a worthy threat for him in melee combat. I could see a shootout or something, maybe, or see it if Athos was even more injured or also drugged or something, but...the Cardinal was just not a convincing fighter and the choreography did not make him an effective threat. It was pretty sad...Athos, being the best fighter they had, should have gotten a fight scene against a guy that could match a faster-paced, martial arts fighting style, or a big, threatening musclebound guy or something. Instead we got an older guy who couldn't move too well using a really, really basic boxing style, and Athos trying to act too tired from blood loss to pull off anything major, and we just couldn't buy it at all.<br /><br />Still...like Al said, this is one of the more hilarious Asylum movies for bad movie buffs to watch. It's a lot of fun--albeit not for the reasons the filmmakers wanted--and has some utterly hilarious "WHAT?" moments. I highly recommend it if you want a bad, but not boring film to watch, especially if you have friends to share it with. See how many possible alternative explanations <em>you</em> can come up with for swords being at Camp David! How long did we discuss that, Al? I think we talked over the possible explanations for like an hour or more. O_O The Asylum clearly took about thirty seconds to go over their ideas before settling on "sword bucket."Robert Mohrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06743186445657692368noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4788538238831756834.post-45174169708113178182012-12-15T10:21:10.671-05:002012-12-15T10:21:10.671-05:00I watched this one with Al, and I just have to exp...I watched this one with Al, and I just <em>have</em> to expand on a few points here to really drive home the stupidity.<br /><br />1. D'artagnan. That's <em>her</em> actual name, and they even note that an ancestor of hers was a Musketeer, meaning that they're claiming the original story was historical fact rather than fiction. Meanwhile, the team of "Musketeers"--and the fact that a US Government team of special agents is named after a French group is a little odd to say the least--has the names of the other Musketeers, but they are codenames. (Or are they? They're clearly set out that way, but then Athos is called "Oliver Athos" at one point...I'm not sure Asylum even knew whether they were writing codenames or highly unlikely real names). It's just an annoying little thing. Seriously, why not have D'Artagnan named something entirely different, and then when she shows up, the others go, "well, you're joining the Three Musketeers, so you must be D'Artagnan?"<br /><br />2. D'Artagnan's introduction is hilarious. You see, she's translating a drama about the Yakuza from its original Mandarin into Arabic. This is silly for a number of reasons. First off, her language skills never much come into play in the rest of the film--since that's her main talent, you'd expect it to feature quite a lot, but...it's barely in the film (in fact, I can't recall a single "translation" scene, though I may be forgetting one). For another, the Yakuza are from Japan. Not China. The Chinese mobsters are the Triads.<br /><br />3. The Sword Bucket. Oh, man. This scene about broke us. A bit of setup is necessary: We're clearly building the entire movie towards a swordfight between D'Artagnan and a general--I don't want to give lots of spoilers, but it's a pretty clear indication from early on that it's going to happen. Both are supposedly skilled in fencing. So when the movie was entering the finale (at Camp David), Al and I started wondering how they were going to work it in, considering no one had swords around. We started thinking of possible ways they could work swords in. Maybe they use combat knives instead, or bayonets on rifles. Maybe there's a few Marine honor guard guys there with those swords they always have in dress uniforms and all, and they get killed and those swords are used. Maybe there's a Revolutionary war crossed-swords decoration on the wall. Maybe the villain plants a couple fencing swords there in an attempt to get the president (who is interested in fencing) to spar against him, but his sword is secretly real. Maybe the North Korean soldiers who came had swords. I don't know. Anyway, we both had like 7-10 possible okay to good explanations in our heads. What did they do?<br /><br /><em>Two <b>real</b> swords just sitting in a bucket for no reason whatsoever.</em><br /><br />Seriously. There is no reason for it. There is no explanation. There just happen to be two real swords sitting in a random bucket in a conference room in Camp David. Is...there some strange element of international politics of which I'm not aware, in which the president regularly duels foreign dignitaries to the death? Why were they there? And why were they in a bucket? I mean...I would even accept them as emergency armaments in case of attack...I don't know why you wouldn't have guns too, but whatever! But at least have them in some secret wall cabinet or something in that case! <em><b>Why are there swords in a bucket in Camp David?</b></em><br /><br />That scene seriously broke my brain.<br /><br />It does not help, by the way, that both swordfights in the film (D'Artagnan vs. the girl Musketeer...I forget if she was Porthos or Aramis...and D'Artagnan vs. the general) were <em>horrid</em>. Pretty painful to watch...clumsy strikes, clear patterns, and an utter lack of any appearance of an actual fight.Robert Mohrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06743186445657692368noreply@blogger.com